You Still Have All of My Heart

Oh how I love the winter. The rain falling down around me, soaking me to the bone. I wonder if that's what it is like when people say they have their sins washed away. Maybe that's what's happening to me now; maybe the rain falling down is some how related to the church (Probably God's tears) that has been sent to wash away the sins of me and anybody who is out. Maybe I will be cleansed and all my sins for being gay will be washed away. Maybe, just maybe, He might be trying to help me for once in my godforsaken life.

The cold water, however, might just be another way to punish me because my parents didn't do it well enough. Nothing they did last night would have ever been good enough to wipe away the shit that I have created for everyone else. Maybe nothing ever would be. Either way, they sure as hell tried their damn hardest last night, nearly knocking me senseless into the next week. To put it into other words; I nearly didn't come into school today because when I awoke this morning, into a house much calmer than I was expecting, I couldn't physically move. But after minutes of fruitlessly trying, I finally managed to drag myself to see my face and cry. It's only now do I see the gravity of the damage they have caused. The bruises across my face and ribs told everything because no amount of make-up could hide the swelling. But that wouldn't change my story; I had done something stupid and had gotten myself into a fight with a load of drunken strangers. Nobody would know any better.

The shelter from the school building grants me sweet relief from the rain, but not from the kids. It's clear from their eyes they want to ask me a million and one questions about how I got the bruises, but I shut them out. I don't need people asking me anything like that right now. After all, if they say one thing I feel that Mike might just blow up beside me. He's a fucking time bomb set into motion and if anyone sets him off he is due to explode. He fists are clenched at his sides as we walk together (Despite me trying to talk to him last night, I think he was in a bit of shock and the tension was still sat between us). What have we done to deserve that from our own parents? Our own flesh and blood! I know what I have done – being gay really wouldn't have helped my case with them – but before they knew that, what was I being punished for? What sins were they trying to rid me of back then?

As I step into first lesson I instantly scan the room for Kellin, not wanting to wait to see his beautiful face light up the room. He wasn't in it, so I sigh, taking my seat and zoning out.
“Woah, Vic, what happened to your face?!” As a boy exclaimed the one thing I was hoping I could hide the whole class took it as their cue to ask or make assumptions about my life and how that came about. I bite my tongue, trying to calm the hissing in my head as I feel myself getting hot under the collar. I can't deal with all this pressure of people looking at me like this; what if they find out the truth about what actually happened? Worse still; what if they have heard about the incident between Kellin and I, and they presume he has done it again? I don't think I could deal with them taunting him again, saying about how he a monstrous killing machine! Calm, Vic. Just breathe. I try to tell myself, but that works to the equivalent of telling someone who is facing sudden death to plan their future. A part of my mind tells me to leave because I am not worth this. I have no worth whatsoever.
But then I realise that is the sound of Dad resonating within my skull and I stand up, “Not that you people really need to know, but last night I was drunk and this other drunk guy bumped into me, so instead of being a normal person I called him out on it and ended up in a fight.” This shuts them up. I don't think anyone in this school has ever seen me drunk so I don't expect they know what to think of it. “For some reason I have a habit of finding the strongest people I can, when I am drunk, and think it would be a good idea to piss them off. Don't ever do that.” I finish before sitting back down.
“Right, class, now this matter is over can I have your attention, please?” I took this as my cue to zone back out and fall into my own little world.

When the bell goes, signalling the end of class, I am so far away in my day-dreams of Kellin that I nearly missed it. Nearly. The sound of chairs scraping the ground around me startle me back into reality. I was having such a nice line of thought about kissing Kellin again, just to feel the electricity pulsing through myself once again, that I could almost see it. I didn't even know how long I had been thinking about it, because I don't remember what has been happening for the pass hundred minutes (Oh, how I was glad to have had double Chemistry first thing).
“Hey, Vic, can you wait a minute?” The teacher spoke. Fuck, I bet he is going to lecture me for zoning out like that. I haven't done it that badly in such a long time; I normally zone out, but I don't tend to go for a whole lesson, thinking and dreaming about some boy that still has my heart. “I just wanted to talk to you about... well about your face. I know you don't particularly want to talk about it, but because this is school I have to make some inquiries. Did you... Did you actually get beaten up by some random drunks last night, or is something else going on that you haven't told us about?”
My jaw clenched, and so did my hands. I wanted to tell him the truth, to get this off of my chest and have everything sorted for once in my life, but I couldn't. There is no way he could know. “No, I got beaten up by drunks last night. Like I said, I am a stupid drunk.” I said, turning to leave.
“Was it Kellin?” I stop dead in my tracks “I know you two have a history and I wanted to ask if he did this to you.”
This pissed me off massively, “No, it was not Kellin. Just because he hurt me one fucking time which was blown way put pf proportion everyone presumes he is evil or something. It will not happen again. He wouldn't lay a hand on me.” I storm out, my head in a mist of anger and confusion; he had no right to blame Kellin for what my parents have done to me. No fucking right! Kellin didn't do this to me; its starting again though and I don't think I can defend myself the second time around.

With my head spinning in rage, I slam the door, clenching my jaw and biting my tongue to stop me from screaming in the middle of the hallway. Although I wouldn't exactly class myself a new here, I am still one of the newest students, and there is no doubt that acting out like that would gain me the reputation of 'insane' within a matter of minutes. I can't lose control and fall down that path again; I can't have people looking at me as though I am a serial killer. I've never hurt anyone, but whenever I get angry people tend to act as though I am either weak or as if I will kill them. Which, might I add, I am neither.

Breathe, Vic, just breathe you goddamn idiot! I don't know whether to like the voice in my head because it seems to be helping, but only proving to me that I am failure at the same time. But the thoughts of how much I fail only make my breaths more sporadic, and so I fight the urge to slam my head into a wall. Breathe, seriously, Vic, just breathe.It doesn't help that my next lesson is Gym and so the teacher will probably pull me aside this time to seriously ask about what is going on. And maybe I will tell him. But, of course, that would never happen.

As I burst through the doors to Gym, I can feel my pulse slowing down – although it is still quite rapid. Despite still silently fuming, I allowed myself to finally just take a breath and let it go. Sure I was nervous as hell, knowing I will have excuse myself from taking part again. I am not sure if all American schools do this, but either way I think my school personally hates me by making up take part in gym once a day. Thank fuck there is only one more day and then it is the weekend because I don't think I would be able to deal with this for much more.
Today, though, as I walk up to Sir he just takes one look at me, “Sit down, Vic, there is no way on Earth you are taking part until you're better,” he says, and I silently thank whatever God there might be for letting me off so lightly. Even though Sir is really nice and understanding, I was so scared to excuse myself – just like I feel every day. I always wonder if he thinks I am just putting it on, but I guess he can't say I'm not today. It he clear to him that I am in physical pain. And with that I can physically feel my anxiety levels dropping; there is nothing that can really happen right now that hasn't happened before.

But as I think about it, I realise that Kellin is in the same Gym class as me, and hurridly shift my gaze to look for him. Where is the perfect boy that still haunts my dreams at night? It isn't that bad; if I am cursed to see him in my dreams at night, at least I am blessed with a curse. Who better is there to dream of? Smiling to myself, my eyes skim over a boy with pale skin, tattoos covering his chest. I would recoginse those tattoos anywhere, and I have to stop myself from placing my lips against his. Damn, he is so hot. My breath falters as he puts on his shirt, my eyes eating up every inch on his skin. I haven't seen him like this since we broke up, and now I just want to see it again. But I realise that people are staring, so I pull my eyes from his delicate body, and direct them to his eyes. He hasn't noticed me but it doesn't stop me from admiring just how beautiful those eyes are; they range in colour depending on the light, turning from a light brown to a brilliant green that captivates me and holds my thoughts for hours. I never knew someone could actually have beautiful eyes that you can find yourself getting lost in. That is, not until I met Kellin.

Like every day, as the lesson starts I follow them to hall in which they will be playing and carry out my simple routine: sit down on a bench and stare off into the distance as I wait for the end of lesson. Of course, school hates me today and so this is also a double lesson, meaning I have nearly 100 minutes of pure boredom. Especially because Kellin is taking part today so there is no one for me to talk to, and I can't just stare at him in class because the last thing I need right now is people asking questions about the two of us. Hell, what would I even answer? That we used to date and that I still have feelings for him that are unrequited? But how would I explain yesterday, then? That can't have just been an accident. It felt real, as though he genuinely loved me again. Maybe that feeling never did die. Maybe we can be together again, but there are just too many obstacles in our way. So I just bring my knees to my chest, resting my head upon my knees, and close my eyes.

“Hey there,” his soft words meet me, calming the panic coursing though my veins from the jolt back into reality. “So... your family weren't that happy. Were they?”
I look up into his eyes, trying to fight the tears that threatened to flood my own ones. “Nope, they... they really weren't happy with me.” I close my eyes, willing the tears back. But one still slid down my cheek.
“Hush, hush, it's going to be okay...” His arms wrap around me, holding me close as he rubs small, soothing circles on my back. I shake my head as if to tell him that it isn't okay but he doesn't pressure me into talking; it just happens.

I sit there shaking as I told him about last night. I didn't want him to think that it was his fault in any possible way, but I think he needed to know about what had actually happened. Mum and dad had come home, there moods clearly no better than it was that morning, so they flipped out at me, accusing me of committing the ultimate sin under their roof. It was hard enough for them to accept that I was gay, never mind them coming to terms with everything else. They thought Kellin had corrupted me, and that when he was bored with me he gave up. But I know that it wasn't true. There was no way I could convince them, though, that Kellin and I weren't sleeping together, but I was just looking after him. Either way, Kellin was there and it didn't go well with them.

“Are you and Mike okay now, though?” he asked, his eyes wide.
I nod, “Yeah, we talked last night and I think he has calmed down although its kinda awkward because he feels somewhat responsible.” I let out a shuddering breath, “Can we got out tonight? I should be there for Mike, but the monsters are out tonight.” I chuckle; I've never called them the 'monsters' to anyone but Mike before.
“Of course; I'll think of something, sweetie,” he said, “Meet me outside just after school, okay?” he said, before squeezing my hand and running off to carry on with gym. Did he just call meet sweetie? My heart does a flip in my chest. I don't even really know what is going on between the two of us!

The rest of the day drags by, my mind slipping between reality and daydreams. Something about Kellin keeps drawing me back to him; maybe it is something to do with how rough he looks and acts, but deep down he genuinely cares about what is going on around him. Deep down he actually cares about what people think of him. I wish I could act as though I didn't care, like he does, though.

As the bell rings to signal the end of day my heart pounds in my chest. I already messaged Mike telling him I am going out for a bit and that he will be okay to go home without me, so I couldn't stop my mind from turning to Kellin and going out with him. He was standing by the front gate, somehow making slept-in clothes look sexy. Is there anyway this boy can not look like a fucking God? I bite my lip as I walk towards him. His eyes run up and down my body, not so subtly checking me out.
“Come on,” is all he says before grabbing my arm and walking with me, away from school. I didn't ask where we were going because, quite frankly, I couldn't care less. As long as I am with Kellin everything will be okay. “Now, where do you want to go?” he asks when we are a safe enough distance from school.
“Follow me,” I say, leading him away.

My heart was pounding in my throat as I lead him down the familiar streets of the town. The rain has eased off from this morning, although my clothes still cling to me with damp. My hand is locked around Kellin's, our two very different skin tones blending perfectly.
“Vic, where are- oh” his eyes go wide as I turn the corner, leading him to the tree we climbed only a few nights ago.
“They're not in,” I say, leaping up to get into the tree and scrambling to the top. It doesn't take long for the taller boy to do the exact same, and it is clear to me that he is much more stable than he was the other day. It's good to know that his use of drugs haven't permanently damaged his sense of control. Despite me having a ten second lead up the tree, he somehow manages to beat me, pushing the window open and slipping through it in one fluid motion. I swear to fucking God that boy is a deer or some shit like that. There is no explaining how he can be so agile.

As I amble to the window, he reaches out and grabs my arm, pulling me through the window. Before I can think better of it, his lips are press against mine. I gasp in shock, immediately kissing back – I can feel him smiling into the kiss. I run my tongue against his bottom lip, begging for entrance, which he allows. His hands are tangled in my hair, and my are around his waist pulling him close to me. A soft moan escapes his lips as he pushes my onto the bed, my heart pounding in my chest, as he climbs up, pinning me to the bed. It's been a long time since I last saw this side of the pale boy that is now straddling me, reconnecting our lips.

The kiss is hot and passionate so I soon find myself dying for air. I break the kiss, looking up into his eyes that are now covered in lust. My trails kisses down my neck, biting my skin lightly as he goes. My breathe hitches in my throat as he finds a sweet spot, so I pull his hair, my skinny jean growing tight. His hands slip under my shirt, moving along my skin.
“Take it off,” he growls in my ear. His low growls are such a fucking turn on. So I sit up a bit as he throws my top off, discarding it onto the floor as he connects our lips once again. His tongue running over my bottom lip, and this time I allow him in, loving how dominant he is being. When he breaks the kiss, he starts to kiss down my jawbone and neck before reaching my chest. He stops dead.

For a second it looks as though he is frozen, numb. But then he leaps up, into the air, shaking. His eyes were wide, his back against he wall. His eyes were trained on my chest, and that's when I realise what he was looking at.
“Did I do... that?” Tears were brimming in his eyes and my heart melted at the sight. Wow, what a way to kill a perfectly good make-out session. I just want his lips upon mine again so we can move on from this moment, but some how I knew that whatever delusion he had created to convince himself that I am at all attractive would have worn off the second he saw the scar that runs along my chest, still purple from where it is healing. I reach out for his hand, to press it to my chest, but he shuffles back.
“I'm not going to hurt you, sweetie, just like this never hurt me. Not inside.” I whisper, but it doesn't seem to help.
“I... I'm sorry...” he whispers. Then he runs away.

Flinging on a top, I run after him, but he is surprisingly fast because he is nowhere to be seen once I get out of the house. Do I run after him? I don't even have a clue where he might go – four months ago I would have gone to his parent's house, but there is no point in doing that now. They don't know – nor care – that he is homeless, so how could they help? As a sigh of frustration leaves my lips I admit defeat, sulking back to my room. He will come around soon, I know. No he won't, Vic, you know that. How can he ever love someone as worthless as you? Thanks brain. But it has a point – Kellin in perfect and amazing, how could he ever love me? How could he ever have true feelings of love for someone as pointless as me – after all, I have caused so much pain in his life.

Maybe it is just better to leave him alone. At least for now so he can get his head back together...