In All Conscience

I stared at black sky, the heaviness returning. That familiar ache was returning. I knew it too well by now. I couldn’t sleep, not with this on my mind.

Slipping out of bed, I looked at the time. It was only three o’clock in the morning. Frowning, I stared at the wall in silence as I debated what to do. I knew what I had to do. It was the only thing that had ever helped. It was late, though. If my parents found out, they’d lose it. I couldn’t resist, though. My heart was breaking all over again. I needed her by my side.

As quietly as I could, I slipped into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Glancing outside, I opted on grabbing a couple of sweaters as well. It wasn’t too late in the summer but the nights lately had been pretty temperamental with temperature. I slipped one on, grabbing my keys and pocket knife as precaution.

I tiptoed out of my room, glancing toward my parents’ room as I shut the door behind me. Its door was closed. Holding my breath, I walked as quietly as I could down the stairs. Reaching the entrance, I checked the alarm. If my mom had activated it, I was screwed. I couldn’t turn it off without waking them. Luckily, they had forgotten it.

Sighing in relief, I unlocked the door. Keeping my gaze on the upper level of my house, I pulled the door open carefully and took a step out. Not a sound came from their room. Smiling weakly, I stepped out completely and locked the door. Turning toward the street, I took a deep breath. This wasn’t the first time I’d done this. I knew the path I had to take by heart. I had taken it far too many times over the past year.

I started walking, looking around the silent street. My heart was still hurting. I still wanted to cry. I was tired of feeling this way which just made everything worse. I couldn’t change it, though, so I had to accept that.

Closing my eyes, I started to hum. The song I was humming…it was special. It was her favourite song. She always used to sing it. I loved hearing her sing it, too. It took my breath away every time. God, I missed hearing her sing it. She did it so much justice in comparison to me. I missed her voice, honestly. I missed the lightness. I missed the operatic tone. I missed the smile that took over when she’d sing anything. This one, though, always made her glow. It had sparked so many things her life. Hearing her sing it always sent chills through me. Now? This song made me want to die.

I had reached my destination. I paused at the fence, looking around to check for unwanted voyeurs. There were none. Turning back to the fence, I climbed over it and walked quietly passed the stones. I ignored them. They meant nothing to me.

The walk to where she was staying was another three minutes. I stared at the ground as I moved. My feet knew where to take me. When I finally found her, I looked up. My eyes rested on the only physical evidence of her existence in this cursed place. Louisa Bouchard. 1990-2013.

I collapsed on the ground before her grave stone. My hands rested on its base as I stared at the name, picturing her face in my mind. The tears were already breaking through. I couldn’t help it. It was why I was here. I needed her near me.

Taking a breath, I smiled weakly through my tears. “Hey there, Lou, it’s me again. Remember me? Eva. Of course you do…”

Trailing off I looked above the stone, picturing her standing there smiling at me. “How have you been? Things have been pretty rough for me lately. I’m graduating, you know? Moving on to the real world, finally. Remember that apartment we had been talking about getting? I found one finally… I think you would’ve liked it. I’m staying with my parents until it’s ready but… I-I’ll be moving in soon. I don’t know how the neighbors would’ve reacted to an opera singer though. You may have shocked them.”

I said that last bit with a smile, remembering just how powerful her voice had been. Fuck, it had filled a fucking room. “I miss it, you know? Your voice…and that smile you always had when you’d sing for me. I miss it. I miss just hearing you speak, too. I miss your energy, your enthusiasm.”

I imagined her sitting next to me, leaning in close like she always used to do. “I got into music, too. I got in for classical piano. The audition was terrifying. It was a success, though.”

I fell silent for a little, closing my eyes. I could almost feel her presence. There was something in me that just screamed at me that she was somewhere out there. If not by my side than she was somewhere in this fucking universe. She couldn’t have disappeared. She couldn’t have left me for good, not the way she chose to leave.

My breath caught as I thought of her death. I still didn’t get it. I felt a sob break passed my lips as I crawled toward the stone and sat on the base of it. I leaned against the stone by where her name was carved, staring up at the heavens.

“Wh-why did you leave m-me? I still don’t understand… You could’ve talked to me. You never wanted to. You never let me in...” I cried, not caring about the volume of my voice. There was no one around. I needed to get this out. “I alwas stood by you! You were the strongest of the two of us! What the fuck does that say about me?! What the fuck am I supposed to do without you? Louisa, what gave you the right to fucking give up on me?!”

I was screaming by now, rage mingling with crippling depression. I even hit the stone a few times out of anger. I buried my face in my hands as the sobs came on stronger. Pain ripped through my chest as I let out a scream. Whether it was a scream of agony or aggravation, I had no clue. All I knew was that it helped.

Rising to my feet, I glared up at the stars. “We were together three fucking years! You couldn’t fucking trust me by then? What the fuck did I need to do for you to trust me? And you said you fucking loved me? How can you leave me like that? You never fucking said goodbye! You just...you just…left me… in this shit hole of a town. You were all I fucking lived for!”

My arms were spread wide as I screamed at the top of my lungs. My anger was getting the better of me now. She never said goodbye. She never fucking explained. She never even fucking hinted.

“You never gave me the chance to save you…” I breathed, collapsing to my knees. “I could have saved you…”

I curled up into a ball. My body was shaking with how hard I was crying. Mind you, it could’ve been cold too. I didn’t feel that, though. I felt numb. I stared at the ground blankly, my mind empty. The tears continued to fall, though. The pain continued to grow. The distance between us would never dwindle. It would just grow. She would never smile back at me. She would never sing for me. I would never see her on stage, performing a main role in some big Mozart or Rossini opera. I would never ask her to take a break from practicing again. I would never hold her, never kiss her again. She would never be there for me again…not physically.

It’s been a year already. The worst part of that is that that year will change into two then three, onto four. Fucking shit, by the time I die she will have been gone for nearly seventy years.

“You were too young to go…” I breathed, returning to her stone, “but you were never allowed to stay. No matter how strong you tried to be, they always brought you down. I knew they were there haunting you. I should have seen this coming. I should’ve have known. I’m sorry I never realised it. I should have known what was going on from the moment that bastard came back into your life…”

I stared at the ground beneath my feet. A few stray tears were rolling down my cheeks now. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure my face was devoid of emotions. The thought of that monster reignited that flame within me for various reasons.

With an empty laugh, I looked over my shoulder. I was still seeing her standing there by my side, arms crossed as she listened to me speak. “But that would’ve forced you to admit what he did to you. You would never have burdened me with such tragic news. You never wanted me to see your pain. I know you felt it, Lou. I saw it in your eyes. Strength isn’t hiding your pain. Strength is knowing when to let it all go, when to cry. Strength is knowing that you’re not alone in this fucked up world we live in. Strength is allowing yourself to break even if it happens every other night.”

And suddenly I had brought myself into the picture. Those words rang all too true for me. “And this…” I breathed with a weak smile, “is where I thank you.”

I stared at the stone then looked up to the sky. “I don’t know where you are, Lou. I never will. I’m still pissed that you did this to me but at the same time, I understand. You had no choice. There was so much darkness in you. It had driven out the light. You were the first to ever show me love. You were the first to show me true, torturous pain. But you…”

Trailing off, I wiped away a few stray tears. “You saved my life. You gave me hope. You showed me the light even if you never found it yourself. Even now, when you’re here lying six feet under…you’ve still done more than you can imagine. You’ve given me strength. You’ve given me a reason to carry on. You’ve given me music. You’ve given me hope for a future. Hell, you’ve shown me my sexuality, too…”

I smiled at that last bit, remembering her incessant claims of me being a lesbian. She never quit. She was constantly making advances on me. I kept turning her down at first. Then one night, she made a deal with me. If I gave her one night, she would prove to me that I was into women. Needless to say, she definitely succeeded. The memory brought back some of the happiness she used to spark in me.

I stared at her name before closing my eyes. In my mind, I pictured her sitting beside me with her arms around my shoulders. I imagined her hand in my own. I imagined her kissing my cheek.

Sighing, I pressed a hand to my chest. The numbness was gone but the aching was still going strong. I hugged my knees to my chest, resting my forehead against them. “I love you. I will never stop loving you. I will find you when my time comes so wait for me a little while longer. I’m not letting you go just yet. You’ll be alive in my heart, memory, and soul. You are a part of me. You will always be a part of me.”

I had turned back to the sky by now. With a soft sigh, I rose to my feet slowly. I stared up at the sky then down at her grave. Bringing my hand up to my lips, I kissed the tips of my fingers before pressing them to the top of the stone. I gazed down at her name longingly for a little while longer. I only realised how long I had been standing there once the sky began to brighten. Smiling softly, I let my eyes take in the sight of the new day. It had been two hours since I had left my house.

I smiled down at the stone. “Looks like we still waste hours together, even when you’re not around…”

Crouching down, I stared at her name before covering it with my hand. Softly, I whispered, “I feel you around me. I feel you within me. You’ll always hold a place in this heart. You’ll live on in my memory, in everyone else’s memories. I’ll live my life. I’ll live it because you wanted me to. I’ll get that master’s degree in music. I’ll get into composition. I’ll honor your memory as you’ve rightly earned. This is all for you, Louisa Bouchard.”

Rising slowly, I added one last thing before turning away from her for the very last time. “I’ll see you when my time comes, my love. Hold on until then.”