Rendering Flames

No sleep came for me that night, only restless turning and reshuffling of the thin pillow that was provided. I didn't want to sleep through something, I didn't want to leave him alone if I could help it; the guilt that pooled in me was almost unbearable. I kept replaying the events up to this, coming to the conclusion that none of this would've happened if I had listened to him. It was something I should've known better to be hopeful for– that there would be a way out of the area that wasn't a trap, that it was just out of the kindness of someone’s heart or a stroke of luck.

When the lights dimmed on, I knew it was 7am. Jaden's eyes were closed and still in sleep, although judging by the bags that sagged under his eyes it wasn't a restful one. I knew that if he didn't show change today, he most likely wouldn't tomorrow and less likely the day after until it was a sure thing that he would remain this phantom of himself permanently.

The images that came to my mind, how he probably wouldn't be cared for long before it was just easier to put him down like a wounded animal. My chest clenched painfully in chagrin and the stinging at the back of my eyes only had me squeeze them shut tighter stubbornly. I would not cry, not when I was being watched; I've exposed enough weakness as it was.

The sound of the door being unlocked bolted me upright, rubbing my eyes alert as the lights turned on fully. Jaden's eyes were open and wide, something that wasn't quite fear played off them but the fog that had settled there was no longer. I felt my heart jump at the change.

“Jaden?” I said his name in worried hopefulness.

The door opened and the same nurse as yesterday entered, not paying any mind to me as she checked his vitals. She reached into her pocket, uncapping what looked to be a thick needle tool. I squinted at the sight in confusion until the sharp tip was jabbed against the top of his finger.

“What the hell are you doing!” I flared, tearing the sheets off me.

The nurse turned to look at me, with an impassive expression. “It’s to measure how certain triggers of pain or nerve stimulation will affect his conscious state, maybe even perhaps help his brain wake up.”

I didn’t like it. Was this why there was that buried alarm in his eyes? Was he conscious of the poking and prodding being done to him? I swallowed hard as she did it again to another finger and then on the tip of a few toes. She recapped the tool, jotting something down into the file hanging at the end of his bed.

In a surprise gesture of gentleness, and presumably general required care for someone in his state, she started massaging his calf before bending his leg up and back down to stretch them. I watched quietly, wondering how coiled his muscles must be– how the pressure from being on his back for so long was yelling out for relief. She moved up to his hands, massaging his palms and between his knuckles.

And then his fingers twitched. I blinked several times, my breath bated with a drowning trepidation that I was imaging things. The breathe was released when I saw it again, the nurse continuing on until she was finished. I looked to her when she turned to me and paused.

“His responsiveness has improved, we’ll take him for treatment today in the gas tank.” My expression blanched.

“Gas tank?”

“Not a torture device– more like a medpod” added with some apology. “He will be injected with an antidote of atropine and pralidoxime and then be placed in the chamber for an additional dosage of atropine but in a gas form with a dilution of benzodiazepines. All of them essentially are antagonists to organophosphate poisoning, we’re hoping readministering them with added therapy will bring him from his stupor state.”

“I want to be there.” I told her evenly.

“There are side effects to these treatments and the way that we’re using them in a period of time is a bit of an unknown variable, if something were to happen, it won’t be pleasant to see and you won’t be able to intervene in anyway.” She advised.

“I want to be there.” I repeated a little more moderately.

She thought for a moment before nodding. “Very well, I will check with supervising staff and Eugene for affirmation.”

“Thank you.” I breathed in a small feeling of relief, watching her leave me stew in silence. I walked over and pulled up a chair next to Jaden, chewing on the inside of my cheek as I watched him carefully. “I believe you can hear us– me, hopefully. I saw the look in your eyes change when the door was unlocked and the lights came on. What didn’t she do to you today that she maybe did yesterday to try and arouse you from this? I kind of don’t want to know or I wouldn’t be able to let them take you anywhere, even if I were to be with you.”

My hand raised to rest on his cheek lightly, my thumb brushing over the scruff that had grown in, reaching up some to smooth the hair from his face. He felt warmer than yesterday and looked less peaky. I dropped my hand back to my lap, chipping my nails against each other in blank thought. My eyes glanced to his hands, wanting to be surprised again by some movement but nothing came.

“I wonder if Orson made it back to Millie and Beth… if he thinks we’re dead or doomed to be lost forever like Mila and Jay. I didn’t think the world could be more unfair to Millie until this happened, now she’s left to wondering what’s become of us too. I mean, are we even going to make it out of this place? I don’t have any idea where we are; I miss the sun and air, being in the open and in danger as compared to being trapped and in danger like we are now.”

My thoughts rummaged back to jumping off the train car, not thinking about if I were going to get back on or not. “I don’t regret letting that woman and her child take my spot on the train though, how could I? The only good thing to come of all this is you throwing your stupid ass off the train to stay with me,” I grinned to myself at the memory that seemed much longer ago than it was.

“If we ever get out of here– if by some miracle you wake up from being some variation of the living dead and we find our way back to Orson and Millie and Beth, everyone– we should try and find Mila and Jay. There’s never not going to be a day where I don’t wonder at least once what happened to them, where they are and if it’s someplace they’re happy. I can’t think that they were killed because no matter how many things are thrown and taken from me in time, I can’t shake the denial that things can’t get worse or surely life won’t be so cruel again and again like it has been. I’m scared to be happy when I know how easily it can be ripped from me, that maybe it’s just easier to just not expect anything. If I don’t expect anything, maybe I’ll keep getting disappointed or burned by a chain of unfortunate events.”

I had been picking at the fraying threads of the blanket covering him, not even really talking to him anymore than I was just to myself. “Maybe I’m only getting what I deserve because of where I came from, what I was molded to be. Surely, I’ve been collecting credit.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of his fingers twitch. I flicked my eyes up to his face and back down to his hand, grabbing onto it with a squeeze. Nothing. A sigh escaped me, “just trying to distract me from my wallowing, then? Getting me to shut up about it, maybe?” I teased a little, but my voice was hoarse.

My smile faded when his index finger stuttered in movement, just ever so lightly wrapping around my own. I could feel my heart almost beating out of my chest at an action so easily done not even two weeks ago. And then his hand went limp, the part of me that inflated in hope deflating once again as I looked sadly into his desolate eyes.

“I know.” I frowned, thinking that he was hearing me, using whatever he has to convey that. “I know what you're trying to say.”

***

“Are you sure you don't want to sit down?” Eugene asked as I looked through the observation window as they settled the gas mask onto Jaden's face, then injecting with the atropine and pralidoxime.

“I couldn't settle if I wanted to. I'm fine.” I answered stiffly.

The nurses latched the lid of the medpod closed, leaving the room as Eugene muttered directions to the woman operating the controls. I looked back to Jaden, my face twisting a little at the sight. It was as if he was already in a coffin.

I was surrounded by too much metal, coolness seemed to be radiating from it. The flat smell of disinfectant and something else familiar enough to start turning my stomach a little.

I winced as a sharp pain shot through my head, grating like shears again my skull. Concentrating on my breathes, I almost missed the triggering words– “Would you like to begin the treatment, sir?”

The words left me in blinding pain, frightening familiarity; I couldn’t more, couldn’t speak. I could see him, through the observation window, circling Jaden like he had me so many times. Blood pounded in my ears at the sight. Gas started to fill in around Jaden, engulfing him until it was too thick to see him through. Fidus stopped, staring down at his son and then looking up to me. His grin grew at the state of me, knowing how weak I was and that I couldn’t get to him from here without taking nurses out.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to even my breathing out. I knew what this was– it wasn’t real, it wasn’t. Then I felt someone behind me, their sound of their deep chuckling had me shaking from a mixture of emotions.

“Look at him, in there. Do you really think these people aren’t connected to me? That they aren’t really finding an antidote for my men? For myself, even? I know you, Evanna. I guided you to who you are today, and all these people,” a hand jerked my chin to look at them, “are harming someone you care about– someone that they did not get permission to harm. They are the ones that need to be punished.” Fidus hissed oppressively into my ear.

I felt my head go lax momentarily, mind swimming at the words. “Punishment is for those who stray from the truth.”

“Yes,” he breathed, hands resting on my shoulder. “Kill them, Evanna. Do your life’s work– protect us.”

Us.

Him and Jaden. They were the two people that needed to be protected? The two people who couldn’t be more different? I felt like I was being ripped in half. One side was readying itself like a well-oiled machine, marking out plan of action in its head before striking. The other side was refusing, shouting at me to think for myself– not for the chemicals that twisted my brain and not for Fidus.

I snapped my eyes open and was met with almost everyone watching me. Their stares were filled with suspicion. “I’m okay,” I assured but partially lied, “just some bad headache.”

“Interesting.” Eugene mused, stepping towards me. “How long have you been seeing things, Evanna?”

“Seeing things?” I could feel something click on inside me, keeping me level. “I haven’t. It’s just a bad headache and probably stress getting to me.”

His eyes narrowed, quickly taking a penlight from his lab coat a shining it in my eyes. I squinted against the sudden brightness. “You’re pupils are responding normal, though your heart rate is a little high.”

“Then maybe I should be sitting.” I suggested, making him feel like I was agreeing with him.

“Perhaps,” he looked back to the screen behind him, “I want to examine you more though later.”

I sank down to the chair, barely keeping myself in control. Just turn your attention to Jaden, keep your eyes on him. The gas was still blocking him from being visible and everyone in the room around me had gone back to their given work. I trained my eyes back onto Jaden, the murmuring from Eugene went up an octave.

And then a hand pressed up against the inside of the pod, sliding away. I was on my feet, eyes wide. “Is he awake? What’s wrong?”

“They’re killing him and he has to suffer like someone buried alive.” Fidus’s voice cut through everything.

“He’s regaining consciousness, Evanna. Just a few more minutes and we’ll go in and check his vitals.” Eugene answered me quickly.

I looked back and Fidus was hovering over the pod, arms leaning up against it almost mockingly as he stared right back at me. My breath hitched a little, watching as Fidus pulled something from his pocket. A syringe, a familiar color. He pulled the cap off between his teeth as his hand reached for the IV tube.

“No, stop him!” I yelled, looking around me. “Can’t you see him in there! He has it– it’ll kill him!”

I ran towards the door but was yanked back by two male nurses. Struggling against them, I looked back to Fidus but went limp when I saw he was gone, that the gas was clearing from the medpod. Jaden’s eyes were blinking in confusion, watching the pod lid open.
“I– I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” I weakly apologized, unable to keep my eyes from him. “I want to see him. Let me see Jaden, please.”

Other nurses had went in around me. I was out of view from him in a second as I was moved away. Eugene stopped in front of me. “I don’t appreciate being lied to, Evanna.”

“I wasn’t. I just– please, let me see him.” My voice was weak. If Fidus were still in front of me, twisting the gears in my head the wrong direction, he would be urging me to do what I know.

Eugene quirked a brow, crossing his arms. “Let her see him.”

I relaxed as I was released, directed towards the door. My eyes looked back for another confirmation, a small part of my head saying that this was a trick. They’re using my weaknesses against me. As soon as I saw Jaden sitting up, talking to the nurse in front of him, I didn’t care. His eyes locked with mine and my feet rushed over, my arms tugging him up against me.

“Are you okay? How do you feel?” I asked breathlessly, unwillingly pulling myself back to hear him talk.

“I feel...weird.” It wasn’t the worst answer to hear– it’d be more worrying to hear that he never felt better, if I had to be honest.

“I was so scared...seeing you so incapacitated.” I swallowed roughly, moving aside as a nurse scooted by. A small prick stung my shoulder, my knees buckling seconds later.

“What are you doing?” Jaden asked, his own weak arms desperately trying to keep me upright.

“Evanna is not sound of mind. I believe it best to separate her for further evaluation.” Eugene’s voice came from behind us, muddled and growing increasingly distant.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Jaden snapped at him, not letting the nurse who had administered the shot touch me. “She’s no danger! This isn’t her first time dealing with this all, she was doing fine until now– before you had to screw with her…”

I couldn’t find the energy to listen. My eyes barely made Jaden out as he clutched my slumping form up against him. When had he gotten down next to me on the floor? He was dripping in a cold sweat, pushing his heart rate up to high, doing too much. My hands moved on their own, dragging slowly against the side of his neck to stop him before he made himself sick.
If they knew where I came from, they’d connect the dots, assume things. I’d be tested on until killed; no mercy for the former right hand of Fidus. The words that were spoken to me popped back up in my head– what if they did work with him? Would I be exposed and killed for real this time? They’d find Jaden, all the dots being connected. I could feel bile burning up my throat as panic gripped me silly. Maybe I had to face facts, the ones that told me that Jadne and I aren’t promised a better life after a miserable one we had experienced in our respective pasts. That all I could do now was appreciated that Jaden was awake, hopefully on the mend, during all the chaos that pulled me down with it.