On the Morning Tide

“You were trying to spare me the humiliation? Me? You are the one that gets pregnant out of wedlock…you are the one who can’t keep a man!” I spat with all the venom I could muster.

She lowers her head as I let go of her wrist; tears pricking the corners of her eyes threatening to spill over. “Why do you hate me?”

A disgusted sigh escapes my lips as I sit down on the side of my bed. “Hate? You think I hate you?”

Then it happens, the tears begin to pour like rain. She falls to her knees in from of me; shoulders shaking uncontrollably. “Why wouldn’t you hate me? I hate me” she says between sobs.

“Fourteen years I looked for you. Fourteen years I cried for you and for Kai. You were my world Myana, I worshiped you! You were the sun and the moon, the reason I wanted to wake up every day.” I whisper as I reach down, grabbing her hands. “But fourteen years of loving a woman who disappeared; loving a ghost…” I pause to shake my head. “It wears a man down baby. I wasn’t able to be with another woman because I loved you so much that I couldn’t let you go, even though you walked out on our friendship and out of my life.”

Now red and puffy, her brown eyes find mine, “I’m sorry Leland.”

“Sorry is not enough. Sorry doesn’t take away the pain of losing my best friend, the woman I loved with all I had to give. Sorry doesn’t heal my wounds or fix the pain I feel in my heart every time I think of Kai.”

I slide down to the floor, sitting beside her. “You took that little girl away from her home.” I say pointing to nothing in particular. “You ripped her out of my life, out of her grandfather’s life!” The pain in my chest was rising; my head was pounding as the anger started to build again. Thinking back to the tears Sonny cried over his only child and granddaughter broke my heart all over again. “You ruined so many lives. And for what?”

“Pride” she replies, staring at her hands. “My pride wouldn’t let me love you.”

“Bullshit.”

She smiles sadly before looking at me, “I didn’t think I deserved a love like yours.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

We’re interrupted by a knock on the bedroom door. I reach over and open the door while still sitting in the floor.

Kai pops her head in the door; looking down at us. “Can I come in?”

I smile, that sweet little girl I loved was standing in my door. “Of course you can.” I reply, scooting over so that she can sit between her mother and me.

“You know-“ she starts to say but pauses, biting her lip. “there’s really no way to resolve all of your problems because no matter what either of you say or do from this point forward it will not change the past.”

“You raised an intelligent woman.” I say, looking over at Mya.

Mya smiles glancing between the two of us, “Thank you. She’s the smart peace maker of all my girls.”

Kai giggles; “I get that from my daddy.”

A pang of jealousy hits me right in the heart as she calls Duane Lee “my daddy” But she was right, he was her daddy, he raised her for the majority of her life. I really had no right to feel anything but happiness that he had given her a great life; one that she and her mother both deserved.

“What do we do now?” Mya asks, staring deeply into my eyes.

Shrugging my shoulders and shaking my head, I couldn't really thinking of anything to say. I wanted them all in my life. I wanted things to go back to normal…the way life use to be.

“I’m willing to leave Duane Lee.”

“What?” Kai and I both say in unison.

“Momma…”

“Mya!”

“What? It’s what we all want…isn’t it?” she asks with a smile playing on her face.

Kai begins to cry, looking so much like the little girl I use to know. “How could you do that to Daddy? He loves you with all his heart! He works so hard for you and for us. He’s never asked anything of you momma. All he wanted was your love…and you couldn't even give him that!” she says angrily. “If you wanted to be with Leland all those years ago why didn't you just stay?”

“Because I’m an idiot and you’re right; Duane Lee loves me wholeheartedly.”

“This is out of hand.” I say, taking both of their hands in mine, wanting nothing more than to feel their touch. “We have this crazy complicated situation that has no resolve other than to just go back to the way things use to be. I’ll live here, you live with your husband; you have a life in Colorado Mya, a family to go home to! What kind of woman would abandon their family for another man? And now Kai is engaged to my son. How fucked up would it be to have your mother and soon to be father-in-law in a relationship? I could never do that to my brother.”

“Uncle Leland” Kai says, squeezing my hand. My heart leapt at the sound of those two words. It has been too long since Id heard them. “Uncle Leland…I’m so happy to be back in your life. I know this situation is weird but I love Cobie and I want to be his wife. And it doesn't matter how crazy my mother is or why she took me away from you when I was four; I'm here now and I’ll always be a part of your life from now on.”