Odd Circumstances
Chapter Three
The next morning, I walked down into the kitchen to see grandma having a fit about something grandpa said, who was sitting over in the dining room. She was standing at the fridge door with the milk bottle in one hand and the fridge door in the other, and she looked like she was about to have a stroke.
“Grandpa has something to tell you,” she said after a moment of me standing there staring at her.
So I turned to grandpa.
“I’m gay,” he said.
I turned back to grandma and took the milk out of her hand. I drank some of it out of the bottle and put it back in the fridge and then closed the door.
“Okay, so grandpa likes it, as Bill Maher would say, ‘up the nasty’,” I said. “I don’t really see why you’re acting so surprised.”
“What?” she said, waving her hands around everywhere. “Aren’t you outraged? Aren’t you afraid for his immortal soul?”
“I’m pretty sure Leviticus only specifies having gay sex is an abomination,” I said. “It doesn’t really say anything about being gay.”
“He’s right, you know,” grandpa said. “I checked. Besides, when have we ever been particularly religious, Maude?”
“We’re religious,” grandma said.
I laughed. “How?”
“Don’t start!” she said, giving me the evil stare. “It’s bad enough him—well, it’s unnatural!”
“I once saw a couple of dogs having gay sex,” I said, raising an eyebrow. “They seemed to be enjoying it.”
“Homosexuality is found in 450 species,” grandpa offered hopefully.
“And gays can’t be stoned to death in this country,” I said. “Hell, it’s not even considered a mental illness anymore.”
“James Dean said he was gay so he wouldn’t be conscripted into the army,” he said. “This was in the 50s, when being gay was thought of as a mental illness.”
At that moment, Jackie walked through the back door into the kitchen. “So who’s gay?” she said, looking at grandma.
“He is,” grandma said, pointing at grandpa. “I think he’s just confused; we’ve been married for fifty years.”
“I’ve had at least a dozen affairs with men,” grandpa said.
“We’re trying to convince grandma that it’s okay to be gay,” I said.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Jackie said. “Hey, Phil’s grandma! You like me well enough, don’t you?”
“Well, yeah,” grandma said. “But you’re not the one who wants it up the nasty.”
She shrugged. “You’re right, I’m not. I’m a lesbian though.” She turned to me and said, “Do you have any milk?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said, opening the fridge door. Jackie took the milk out and took a drink directly from the bottle.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were faking a relationship, Phil?” grandma said. Then she took the milk from Jackie and said, “Don’t do that. It’s disgusting.”
“Heh, that’s not what she said when I did it,” I said. “And it’s because you never asked and it’s mainly for her benefit anyway.”
“But you need kids and a family, Phil!”
“I don’t want kids and a family though.”
Jackie got a banana from the fruit ball and started eating it. “I can see why you never tell them anything,” she said. “They’re freaking out more than my parents would, and they’re fundamentalists.”
And then grandma passed out.
“Rest in peace,” I said as I dialed 000.
“Grandpa has something to tell you,” she said after a moment of me standing there staring at her.
So I turned to grandpa.
“I’m gay,” he said.
I turned back to grandma and took the milk out of her hand. I drank some of it out of the bottle and put it back in the fridge and then closed the door.
“Okay, so grandpa likes it, as Bill Maher would say, ‘up the nasty’,” I said. “I don’t really see why you’re acting so surprised.”
“What?” she said, waving her hands around everywhere. “Aren’t you outraged? Aren’t you afraid for his immortal soul?”
“I’m pretty sure Leviticus only specifies having gay sex is an abomination,” I said. “It doesn’t really say anything about being gay.”
“He’s right, you know,” grandpa said. “I checked. Besides, when have we ever been particularly religious, Maude?”
“We’re religious,” grandma said.
I laughed. “How?”
“Don’t start!” she said, giving me the evil stare. “It’s bad enough him—well, it’s unnatural!”
“I once saw a couple of dogs having gay sex,” I said, raising an eyebrow. “They seemed to be enjoying it.”
“Homosexuality is found in 450 species,” grandpa offered hopefully.
“And gays can’t be stoned to death in this country,” I said. “Hell, it’s not even considered a mental illness anymore.”
“James Dean said he was gay so he wouldn’t be conscripted into the army,” he said. “This was in the 50s, when being gay was thought of as a mental illness.”
At that moment, Jackie walked through the back door into the kitchen. “So who’s gay?” she said, looking at grandma.
“He is,” grandma said, pointing at grandpa. “I think he’s just confused; we’ve been married for fifty years.”
“I’ve had at least a dozen affairs with men,” grandpa said.
“We’re trying to convince grandma that it’s okay to be gay,” I said.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Jackie said. “Hey, Phil’s grandma! You like me well enough, don’t you?”
“Well, yeah,” grandma said. “But you’re not the one who wants it up the nasty.”
She shrugged. “You’re right, I’m not. I’m a lesbian though.” She turned to me and said, “Do you have any milk?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said, opening the fridge door. Jackie took the milk out and took a drink directly from the bottle.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were faking a relationship, Phil?” grandma said. Then she took the milk from Jackie and said, “Don’t do that. It’s disgusting.”
“Heh, that’s not what she said when I did it,” I said. “And it’s because you never asked and it’s mainly for her benefit anyway.”
“But you need kids and a family, Phil!”
“I don’t want kids and a family though.”
Jackie got a banana from the fruit ball and started eating it. “I can see why you never tell them anything,” she said. “They’re freaking out more than my parents would, and they’re fundamentalists.”
And then grandma passed out.
“Rest in peace,” I said as I dialed 000.