Odd Circumstances

An hour later, me, Jackie and grandpa were sitting around in a waiting room.

“You know, I only came round because I wanted your Tim Tams,” Jackie said. “I really don’t have anything else to do today.”

“Tim Tams make you fat,” grandpa said, raising an eyebrow. “I had a boyfriend once who ate two packets of Tim Tams a day, and six months after I’d met him he’d put on at least ten kilos.”

“Oh well,” Jackie said. “What ended up happening to him?”

“He had a heart attack,” grandpa said. “You can’t just put on ten kilos randomly. He was a midget, so it was especially bad.”

“Did he die?”

“No, but his wife found out we were having an affair and kicked me out of the hospital room. I never heard from him after that. Though he probably did die if he had a second heart attack.” He paused for a moment and added, “They had to do a double bypass on him. He was only thirty-six at the time.”

Jackie and grandpa started laughing. I smiled a crooked smile.

“You never did laugh much when you were a kid, Phil,” grandpa said.

“It’s because I never had much reason to,” I said.

“His parents were awfully strict on him,” grandpa said to Jackie. “Did you know that he wasn’t allowed to watch TV until he was six?”

“Really?” Jackie looked at me, her eyes wide with scandal.

“When they finally did, I was only allowed to watch the educational content bullshit,” I said. “I had several episodes of Blue’s Clues memorised line for line until I was sixteen.”

“My parent’s thing was that I was only allowed to watch two hours a day,” Jackie said. “And if they were watching TV with me, they insisted on pointing out the sins of both the good guys and the bad guys.” She scrunched her nose and waved her hand as she said, “Biblical literalists, y’know.”

“We always tried to get his parents to loosen up a bit,” grandpa said. “They never did; not for a moment. I think they really hated us for it. His mother always said that we were too loose when we raised her and her sisters, and that if we had’ve been stricter, some of the things that her sisters did never would have happened.”

“Hey, Phil, how come I’ve never met your mum?”

“After dad died, a lot of things went down between me and her,” Phil said. “I think she was jealous that I got a better cut in the will than she did.”

“Yeah, that, and your parents’ marriage really was on the rocks when he died,” grandpa said. “I mean, you’d just finished school, so the thing they’d just dedicated thirteen years to had just ended, and then they found that they’d grown apart.”

“Dad had been having an affair for nine months when I finished school,” I added. “Plus I think he’d been getting into some pretty weird hobbies around the time he died.”

“Was he buttfucking a pig?” Jackie said.

“No,” I said.

“But he was getting into UFO stuff,” grandpa said.

“Maybe he was abducted and probed?” Jackie said.

“How come I’ve never met your parents, Jackie?” I said.

“Oh, it’s because when I finished high school I quickly moved to the other side of the country,” she said. “They live in Perth. We’d had an argument a few weeks before I finished, because I told them I didn’t want to become a sister in their church and they thought that was the ultimate blasphemy because that’s what they’d always intended for me to do.”

“So what did you do when you first got here?” grandpa said.

“I got a job as a cashier and went to TAFE,” she said. “I have a certificate four in Hospitality.”

“And you direct short films?”

“I don’t like dealing with chefs,” she said. “A lot of the ones I had to work with acted like they were superior because they’d been through an apprenticeship.”

“Have you seen your parents since you’ve lived here?” grandpa said.

“I’ve lived here for four years now and they haven’t even rung me,” said Jackie. “Of course, that’s probably because I changed my number and didn’t bother to tell them, or even mentioned where I was going…come to think of it, they probably filed a missing person’s report on me.”

At that moment, a doctor stepped out of the corridor and sat down near us. “She’s in a coma,” he said.

“Really?” I said, raising an eyebrow. “She’s in a coma? Wow, I never would have guessed that.”

Jackie almost laughed and grandpa glared at me. The doctor looked at me for a moment and looked back down at his pad.

“It’s going to take a while for her to wake up,” the doctor said. “I don’t think it’s anything life threatening; she’s just passed out from the shock. Do you think…?”

“I came out as gay,” grandpa said.

“And you are?”

“Her husband of fifty years.”

“I’m her son,” I offered.

“I’m not actually related to these two,” Jackie said. “I was at their house when she passed out because I wanted Tim Tams.”

The doctor looked at Jackie and raised an eyebrow.

“Phil’s mum was under the impression I was going out with Phil,” Jackie said. “I’m a lesbian though.”

“You’re all very strange,” he said.

At that moment, my mother entered the waiting room. Me and my grandfather just stared at her for a solid minute.

“Who’s that?” Jackie said.

“My mother, who I haven’t seen for over a year,” I said.

She came over to us and sat down. “This your girlfriend?” she said.

“I’m a lesbian,” Jackie said.

“I always thought you were gay,” mum said to me.

“I’m not gay,” I said.

“But I am,” grandpa said.

“Were you gay with that midget back in the eighties?” she said.

“Yeah. We were talking about him a few minutes ago, actually.” He looked at me and Jackie and said, “I’m into younger men.”

“Knew it,” mum said.

“Called it,” Jackie said. “Definitely called you were into younger men.”

“But you didn’t say—”

“You don’t need to say anything to call it,” Jackie said, rubbing her temples and glaring with mock seriousness at grandpa. “You just have to think it.”

I looked at Jackie for a moment with solemn eyes. “Jackie, I think this is the longest I’ve ever seen you go without swearing,” I said.

“You can’t swear in a hospital,” she said. She motioned to a small child with a broken leg on the other side of the waiting room. “There’s children in here!”

“Okay, and back to me,” the doctor said, the discomfort obvious in his eyes. He pointed and clicked at mum. “You’ve just gotten here. The woman I’m assuming’s your mother is in a coma because of shock induced by your father coming out of the closet after fifty years.”

“Okay,” mum said, pausing for a moment. “I’d like to see her.” After another pause she said, “Oh, don’t worry; I’m not like them. I haven’t seen her before in my life and I haven’t seen the other two or my mother for over a year.”

“That’s fine,” the doctor said, standing up. He motioned towards the hall and said, “If you’d step through there, please.”

As mum stood up, she looked back at us and said, “Wait for me. I caught the bus in.”

As we stood up and walked out of the hospital, grandpa said, “Doesn’t she have a car?”

“She did last time I saw her,” I said. “And it’s not like she can’t afford one.”

“What kind of car was she driving?” Jackie said.

“A real nice one,” I said. “A new Mercedes.”

“Fuck,” Jackie said as we finally stepped out of the hospital. “And you’re driving a second-hand Volvo from the late nineties.”

“But Phil’s a bartender,” grandpa said.

Me and Jackie laughed. “Grandpa, there’s something I have to tell you,” I said, looking directly into his eyes.

“Phil’s not actually a bartender,” Jackie said.

“I don’t even have an RSA,” I said.

“Or a real fucking job,” Jackie said.

“Every time you’ve thought I’ve been on a shift, I’ve been in some hotel room watching movies,” I said.

“You don’t even hire a hooker?” grandpa said.

“Not unless I want herpes,” I said.

“They check you for STDs before they fuck you, dickhead,” Jackie said. “Or at least the legal ones do.” She paused for a moment and said, “Dunno about the ones from the adult column in the newspaper though.”

“So why tell us you’re a bartender?”

“It’s because I didn’t want grandma trying to get all my property,” I said. “I kinda need that property and those tenants to pay my rates, y’know. And also grandma would chuck a fit.”

“And I don’t need her chucking anymore fits,” Jackie said. “She paid my rent this month.”

“So the camera…?” grandpa said.

“I found it in the back shed,” I said.

“Are you still going to buttfuck that pig?”

“I’m not actually going to penetrate the pig…”

“No, you’re just going to make it look like you’re penetrating the pig,” Jackie said. Then, with a wide grin, she added in an imitation of a posh English accent, “It’s high art.”

We all cracked up for a moment. And then, mum came out of the hospital and just stared at us.

“Phil, your grandmother is in a coma and you’re out here laughing about it,” she said. “I can’t believe this—”

“We’re actually laughing about high art, mum,” I said.

“Well, he means that and the idea of him buttfucking a pig,” Jackie said.

“In front of a film camera,” grandpa said.

“The pig would in fact be a stuffed animal,” I said. “And it’s not like I’d actually penetrate it—”

“Okay, I think I’ve heard enough,” mum said. “Just drive me to your place, Phil.”