Who Are You?

Kellin ~

I frowned at Vic as he scratched his arm, kind of harshly. He had been absentmindedly picking at it for a few minutes, apparently not noticing that I had caught him.
“Vic,” I said softly and sat down beside him. He looked at me, his hand stilling as he realized what he was doing.
I took his arm, looking down at it. He had managed to reopen a few of the cuts, although they weren’t bad.
I grabbed a tissue and gently blotted at the little spots that were bleeding slightly.
He didn’t say anything as I lifted his arm up and pressed a gently kiss to the inside of it. I repeated it a few times before setting it back on his leg and tangling his fingers with mine. Vic met my eyes, his showing whatever grief he was hiding from me.
I knew he wasn’t okay with telling me why he did this to himself or what had driven him to do it in the first place, but I wished he would at least tell me how to make it easier.
I knew that I couldn’t fix it completely, or maybe even at all, but I wanted to try. I wanted to al least make it the slightest bit more bearable for him to deal with.
I secretly wondered if he was depressed. He hadn’t mentioned it, and Vic seemed like such a happy, playful person. He was just so secretive, it was hard to know who he really was. “I’m sorry,” he whispered finally.
I shook my head and then rested it against his shoulder. “Don’t be,” I said back. “You have no reason to be sorry,”
He looked away from me, towards the window. “What is it?” I asked. “I want to help,”
He just shook his head slightly. “There’s nothing you can do about it. It’s already over,” I frowned deeper and sat back up to kiss his cheek.
“Then how can I make it better?” I asked. “Even if I can’t fix it or change it; I want to make it better,”
Vic sighed softly and looked down at where our hands were intertwined.
“I don’t know Kellin. I wish I did, but…I don’t. I have no idea,” I nodded the tiniest bit and squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry,” I said.
Vic shook his head and met my eyes again. “You have nothing to be sorry for either,” he said and kissed my lips. I smiled a little when he pulled back and leant my forehead against his.
“Kellin?” Vic whispered. “Hm?”
He moved back a little to see me better. “Thank you. For at least trying,” I smiled slightly and nodded. “Of course,” I said back.
He smiled a little bit and then laid back on the bed, still holding my hand. I copied him, the two of us staring up at the ceiling in silence. We stayed like that for a while; with our hands intertwined and our feet dangling off the bed.
We just stared upwards, thinking about whatever was wrong with the two of us.
I knew I should tell Vic what had really happened with my mom. I hadn’t lied to him per say, but I hadn’t told the whole truth. I felt kind of guilty keeping it from him, but I also didn’t want him to be mad at me.
I knew he would be upset if I told him the whole story, and I didn’t want him to be mad. Even worse, I didn’t want him to break up with me.
I really liked spending time with him, and I liked dating him even more. I also really wanted to continue whatever we had managed to start here.
I liked Vic, and I wanted him to be happy; with me. I wanted to be the reason that he was happy, and I wanted to be the reason that he didn’t have the sad look in his eyes anymore. It made me sad to see him upset, especially when I didn’t know what was wrong.
We hadn’t known each other for very long, but I really did want to make him happy. It was just difficult to do when we both had communication issues.
I sighed to myself and looked over at Vic. He was already staring at me, his eyes meeting mine as I looked over. “Kiss me,” he demanded, his voice quiet.
I did as he asked and moved over so that I could gently touch my lips to his. It was a sweet kiss, with no tongue or touching. We were just tasting each other, and it was wonderful to experience. “Kellin?” he asked when we pulled away. “I’m sorry I can't be perfect for you,”
I shook my head and gently squeezed his hand again. “You are perfect. To me, at least,” ~

I woke up as I felt something move beside me. I whipped around, sighing in relief as I saw him. Vic must’ve gotten into my bed with after I went to sleep.
I sighed and laid back down on my side, watching him kind of creepily. I brushed the hair out of his face and smiled, gently touching his cheek.
He looked so sweet and innocent when he slept, his face getting relaxed and soft. I just stared at him for a while, easily entertained by the way his lips would part randomly and then close again.
He made adorable little noises in his sleep, sometimes muttering things to himself. I finally started to get tired, almost asleep when he jumped slightly.
“No,” My eyes blinked open, startled awake again. “No,” he repeated. I watched in confusion as he talked to himself, his face contorting.
“Mom,” I frowned and touched his shoulder lightly, shaking him. He started to thrash around, breathing heavier as he dreamt. “Vic, wake up,” I said quietly.
He just continued to whine, little hurt sounds passing through his lips.
I noticed the little tears dripping from the corners of his eyes. “Vic. Vic, please. Wake up. Vic,” His eyes finally opened, startled and afraid.
His lips quivered as he looked up at me, awake now. “You were just dreaming,” I said, in the most soothing voice I could manage. “It was just a dream,”
Vic shook his head and then took a shaky breath to keep from crying. I frowned and let him pull me down again, adjusting the both of us until he was spooning me.
I held onto his hand as his arms wrapped around me tightly. I was so confused, but I knew it was the wrong time to ask him; if there ever would be a right time.
Vic didn’t say anything, but I could feel his body shaking every so often as he cried. He stayed silent though, so I pretended that I didn’t.
I twined my fingers with his and squeezed his hand gently, wanting to make him feel better. It didn’t work, and I knew it wouldn’t.
We both just lay there, completely silent and unable to sleep. I stared at the wall, wondering what had upset him so badly, and desperately wanting to comfort him. ~