Music and Passion

My night with Yutaka was wonderful. That man never fails to make me smile or laugh. We talked for hours until it was so late into the night we could barely keep our eyes open. But the next day wasn`t exactly fun. Due to my late night I was exhausted and I was only able to get three hours of sleep. Not exactly a great idea when your hormonal and pregnant. Especially when most of your day is full of interviews. Thankfully we`ve been able to keep the photo shoots to a minimum. I don`t really want my belly plastered everywhere, you know?

By now we`re about halfway through our day and I haven`t been able to see anyone outside our band. So I have yet to speak with Kyo and I`m scared. What if someone asked him about it during an interview? I can`t even begin to imagine how angry and horrified he would be.

"Sam!"

Speaking of Dir En Grey, Shinya was walking up to me and Nikki with Die in tow. They were both grinning so maybe no one had asked Kyo about my pregnancy.

"Hey, guys," I greeted. "How are you?"

"Tired. But not as tired as you," Shinya said with a frown. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Three hours," I replied.

"Go take a nap," Die ordered.

"I can`t," I laughed. "We have three more interviews and then rehearsal for the show."

Die grunted and scrunched up his nose. "Nap between rehearsals. If you go on last you can get some sleep."

"That might work. I won`t be able to sleep for very long though," I said with a shrug.

"Any sleep is better than no sleep," Shinya murmured.

"Maybe."

"Can I ask you guys something?" Nikki piped up. "During interviews, did you get any strange questions? Like about Sam or her baby?"

"No," Shinya said with a frown.

"Nothing odd like that," Die added, his face contorting into a frown as well. "Why do you ask?"

Nikki made a strangled noise and shot me a panicked look. I waved my hand dismissively and he nodded in understanding. They would find out eventually anyway. He turned his gaze back to our now worried friends.

"Last night we announced Sam`s pregnancy. The fans started asking questions, the father being one of them. Because of a misunderstanding due to a photo, they want to know if Kyo is the father," Nikki explained.

"Kyo?" Die all but shouted. "Are you kidding me?"

"Why not someone she`s spotted with more often?" Shinya asked. "Even I go out with her more than he does."

"What kind of picture was it?" Die questioned.

"Yutaka gave me another baby book and I was showing Kyo things in it to gross him out. A fan took a picture and posted it," I answered.

"Very easy to misunderstand," Shinya murmured.

"We haven`t been able to talk to him about it yet and we`re worried an interviewer would beat us to it," Nikki said.

"They didn`t," Die grunted. "Be thankful for that."

"He`ll be angry, won`t he?" I whispered.

They shared a look and a shrug.

"I don`t really know," Spoke Die. "None of us really talked about having kids."

"There`s a chance he`ll be angry," Shinya agreed. "But we can`t be sure of that until you tell him. And you need to as soon as you can. This is obviously stressing you out and that`s something you can`t have."

I nodded and ran a hand through my hair. He`s right. Who am I kidding, Shinya`s always right. "Where is he?"

"Finishing an interview with Kaoru," Die said. "After that we go to the venue."

Nikki cursed and shook his head. "No good. We have three more interviews before we can head that way."

"Perfect," I muttered. "Just perfect."

"Stop stressing about it right this minute," Shinya ordered. "We`ll figure something out."

"We always do," Die added.

"Sam! Nikki! Come on, we have another interview!" Jeff called from the car.

"Don`t stress," Shinya quickly reminded. "Let us figure it out. Just focus on your interviews and getting some sleep."

I nodded. "Thank you. We`ll see you at the venue."

Nikki and I left the building and made our way to the car as quickly as possible and drove to another interview. After two more we finally headed to the venue and despite Shinya`s assurances I was still worried and stressed over my inevitable conversation with Kyo. I just don`t want him to be mad at me over this.

When we arrived at the venue Dir En Grey was just about to start rehearsal. And as soon as I walked by the stage I was ordered by not only Die and Shinya but Hidehiko as well, to go take a nap. I`m not sure if it was them or Yutaka who told Hidehiko of my little to no sleep but he seemed just as urging as the others for my nap. So I eventually did.

I got as comfortable as I could and curled up on the little couch in my band`s dressing room. And when I say small, I mean small. It could barely be considered a love seat. But I got to sleep for almost two hours without Nikki`s help. I don`t think Iv`e ever seen my band look so damn guilty for waking me up for rehearsal.

Rehearsal ended up going fairly slow due to me and my sleepiness. I don`t think Iv`e ever apologized so much for messing up my own songs. Sleep deprivation and singing aren`t a very good mix, let me tell you. But I`m sure I`ll get some sleep tonight. I`ll probably pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Afterwards we went out to eat pizza. Yes, this is due to my cravings from last night. Unfortunately during the whole time we were out I could never get Kyo alone long enough to talk to him. Not even after we got back to the venue. We had to start getting ready for the show and Dir En Grey were the first to go on. And per Die`s request, we were on last.

There was a time window between their performance and ours while Buck-Tick played but that window proved to be too small. While Kyo was in the shower Buck-Tick was on and by the time he was done and presentable, Before Dawn had to perform.

I`m afraid my performance wasn`t up to par with our other shows. I was nothing but a ball of stress, nerves, anxiety, and exhaustion. And it proved to be a terrible combination.

"That was a shit performance!" Jeff shouted as soon as we were off stage and out of earshot of the fans. "Where the hell was your head, Sam?"

I winced not only at his words but the force behind them. Jeff doesn`t normally yell at us, much less myself. But sometimes he gets so worked up and pissed off he starts to yell.

"I`m sorry, Jeff. I`m just exhausted tonight."

"That`s what you get for staying out all night," He hissed. "What`s wrong with you? You`re pregnant! You think you can pull that shit when your a mother?"

"Hey! Calm down!" Nikki exclaimed.

"I will not," Jeff hissed.

"Yes you will," Kyo growled lowly as he walked up to us. He looked very angry and all of that anger was pointed at my drummer. "Having friends doesn`t affect her ability to be a mother and don`t you dare say otherwise."

"Kyo," I whispered. "It`s okay. He`s just frustrated and he needs to vent in some way. He`ll apologize later."

"I think he should apologize now," Kyo grunted.

"I don`t care what you think," Jeff said while getting up in Kyo`s face.

"You should. Now apologize!"

"Fuck you! I don`t have to do shit. Your just some washed up musician who can`t even sing."

I winced and watched my band mates try to pull Jeff away while the rest of Dir En Grey tried to pull Kyo away. Funny, I never noticed them arrive.

"I can`t sing?" Kyo questioned with a scoff. "Says the man who can`t play drums." He smirked at Jeff and began hurling insults and cuss words in Japanese. And by the look on Jeff`s face it was clear he didn`t understand a word of it. But that didn`t stop him from cussing him out in English.

"Stop it!" I shouted. "Stop it right now, the both of you!" But my shouts were ignored. They continued to yell and scream at each other in their respective language. If the fans were still in the building I`m sure they could hear everything.

The two continued to scream random insults and cuss each other out. There were words coming out of Jeff`s mouth that I didn`t even know he knew. But every word that flew out of Kyo`s mouth I understood perfectly. He taught me every dirty word he could think of. And when he couldn`t think of anything else he asked others for their input. And with each passing second every word that came from his mouth was worse than the last.

Screams began to blend together and I couldn`t differentiate between English and Japanese until words were nothing but a loud scream that made my ears ring and ache. The world around me began to shift and blur so quickly I couldn`t focus on anything. "Kyo!" I managed to choke out before everything went black.