Music and Passion

Those last two weeks flew by in the blink of an eye and before we knew it the tour was over. After the last concert we had a nice little end of tour party, sharing memories and making plans. We had so much fun, all the while trying to ignore the inevitable: our bitter sweet ending. And sure enough, the next morning was anything but fun. In fact, it was downright sorrowful. None of us wanted to say our goodbyes and part ways but we had to. At least for a little while.

The men of Buck-Tick were the first to line up to say their goodbyes and while the rest of my band gave hugs and promised to come to Japan, I stayed behind, trying not to let my hormones get the best of me and not burst into tears. When it was my turn it became even harder to hold back my tears.

Toll was up first. "I am going to miss you," he whispered.

"I`m gonna miss you too," I whispered back.

"I want to know as soon as the baby is born," he ordered gently.

"Of course. You will be one of many I`m sure. The phones will be ringing off the hook."

He grinned and kissed my cheek. "I expect lots of pictures. Uncle Toll wants lots of pictures."

I giggled and nodded. "I promise. And you better get used to that name. You`ll be hearing it a lot."

He chuckled and nodded. "I look forward to it." After a careful hug he got onto the B-T bus.

Yutaka bounced up to me, a sorrowful look on his face despite his bounce. "Sam."

"Yutaka," I greeted gently.

"This is first time I don`t want to go home," he confessed.

"I don`t want you to leave either. But unfortunately you have to. At least for now."

"You will come to Japan."

I chuckled. "I already promised you that."

"Then keep that promise," Yutaka said.

"I will. But you need to come see this baby. It`ll be awhile before I can travel," I said.

He pouted a little but nodded. "Okay. After she`s born."

I laughed and gently pushed him towards the bus. "Go before we both start crying." After a hug he climbed on the bus with a wave.

Next up was Hidehiko.

"What shall I ever do without my protector?" I teased.

He smirked. "You`ll have plenty. But I will kill anyone that hurts you."

"I`ll keep that in mind," I laughed and then smirked as a thought struck me. "You are gonna have so much fun when she starts dating."

He grunted. "I think I`ll leave that to Kyo."

"Afraid you`ll be too old?" I teased.

"Hush you," he grumbled, pulling me into a hug.

"You need to come visit soon, okay? This little girl is gonna need her uncle Hide."

"Don`t worry. I`ll be fighting for time with her."

We pulled apart and I watched Hidehiko get on the bus before turning my attention to Imai. He looked just as upset as I felt.

"I`m sorry I won`t be here with you when the baby is born," he murmured.

"Don`t apologize, Sweetheart. It`s okay," I consoled, gently pulling him into a hug.

"But I`m a parent," he argued. "I should be helping you with this."

"That`s very sweet of you but I won`t be alone in this."

"No?"

"No. I have Jeff`s parents. Especially his mom. I`ll be surprised if Amanda doesn`t come stay with as at some point. So don`t feel guilty, okay?"

Imai nodded slowly. "I still want to be there with you."

"I know," I murmured. "I`d like for you to be too."

He looked back at Atsushi and chuckled. "I better go before he pushes me out of the way." He pulled me into another hug. "I`ll see you soon."

"You better make that sooner rather than later," I teased.

Imai smirked and shrugged. "I`ll see what I can do."

I turned my attention to a very nervous looking singer.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Hello," Atsushi whispered back, gently clasping our hands together.

"Where to begin?" I chuckled, suddenly feeling a bit breathless.

"Where indeed." He sighed and looked away. "I am going to miss you."

"I`m gonna miss you too. Who else am I going to have my late night dirty talks with?"

He laughed. "I`m sure we can fix that."

"And you can`t play poker over the phone," I pointed out with a grin.

"We`ll find a way," he snickered.

I nodded, my grin slowly fading. "I don`t want you to go."

"I know. I don`t either. None of us do. But we`ll see each other again."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

I nodded and wiped at the tears threatening to spill. I wouldn`t not cry. I wouldn`t let them all know how much this was killing me. I couldn`t. "I`ll see you soon."

Atsushi nodded and kissed my forehead. "Be good and take care of your little girl."

"I will," I promised.

I watched him leave before turning my attention elsewhere. Apparently while I was saying my goodbyes to the B-T boys, my band was doing the same with Dir En Grey. And they all looked pretty choked up. Even Kyo. But that might of been from Nikki threatening him. At least that`s what it looked like. After my band boarded our bus I made my way over to my remaining friends to finally say my goodbyes. And I was instantly pulled into a hug by Die.

"I`m gonna miss you!" Die cried.

I giggled. "I`m gonna miss you too."

"I want a lot of baby pictures!"

"I`m gonna see you in a month, you dork."

"Oh. Right."

I snorted and shook my head. "Oh I am definitely going to miss you the month you`re gone."

He beamed and kissed my cheek. "A month will pass before you know it."

"But not too soon," Toshiya grunted playfully, pushing Die out of the way with a grin. After a little more pushing and shoving between the two, Die gave me another kiss on the cheek and headed for the bus.

"You two are going to be very entertaining for the little one," I chuckled.

Toshiya grinned and shrugged. "Try sitting on a plane with that guy."

"Oh I`m sure you two are ten times worse."

He pouted. "Hey!"

"Stop pouting and hug me," I laughed.

He laughed and pulled me into a quick hug. "I`ll see you in a month?"

"A month it is." I nodded. "Now go play with Die, you crazy kids," I laughed, wincing a little at how awkward it sounded.

He snorted. "I`ll see you later."

After Toshiya got on the bus I turned my attention to a very sullen looking Shinya. Poor thing looked as upset as I was.

"How`s my sweet drummer?"

"Miserable," he muttered.

I chuckled softly. "Don`t be like that. That month will fly be. You`ll blink and you`ll be packing again."

"If only it was that easy," he said.

"Yeah, I feel the same way," I murmured. "It`s gonna be weird."

"What will?" He asked.

"Not having any of you constantly at my side."

"At least we can still call."

"That`s true," I agreed. "And there`s Skype. I don`t know how well it`ll work from different sides of the world."

Shinya smiled. "But we can try."

"We will. I really am going to miss you," I said.

"I`m going to miss you too," he murmured, pulling me into a hug. And as soon as he pulled away Kaoru took his place.

I giggled and hugged him back, waving at Shinya as he left for the bus. "Well hello to you too."

"I`m going to miss you," he said.

"I`m gonna miss you too," I said. "But it`s only a month, yeah?"

He nodded. "I know."

"Ready to be uncle Kaoru?" I asked with a slight grin.

He chuckled and nodded. "I look forward to it."

"Good. Because as soon as she can talk I bet the first word out of her mouth is going to be one of her uncles names."

"Or Kyo," he snickered.

I snorted. "Oh I`m sure he`d love that."

"You never know."

"Oh hush."

Kaoru grinned and kissed my forehead and gently placed his hands on my belly. "Take care of her while we`re gone."

I chuckled. "She`ll be just fine. I think she likes it in there."

"Now that could be a good and a bad thing," he said. "It might make the birth harder on you."

I smirked at him. "Have you been reading baby books again?"

"Maybe."

"You are so sweet," I gushed.

He snorted and rolled his eyes. "I`m going now."

I giggled. "See you in a month. And do me favor? Try and find a place as close to us as possible."

"I will. See you soon."

After I was sure Kaoru was on the bus I turned my attention to the man I would probably miss the most and would definitely end up crying over. "Hello Kyo."

"Hey," he whispered.

"How the hell am I going to live without you for the next month?" I whispered.

He shrugged. "You`ll struggle just as much as I will, I`m sure. But at least you`ll have a distraction."

"Oh so will you," I decided. "Cause you are going to help Kaoru find a place for you all to stay."

"Oh am I?"

"Mhmm. And it will be as close as possible to us. Otherwise I can`t call you at three in the morning every time she kicks."

Kyo snorted. "You are not calling me for something like that. The birth? That`s fine. But anything else isn`t happened."

"You`re right," I said, my tone turning teasing. "You`ll already be in my bed so I can just shake you awake."

"Oh? I thought you didn`t want to do anything until after the baby was born."

I squeaked, my face becoming hot. Oh I don`t even want to know how red my face is. I did not expect him to turn that around on me.

"What`s wrong?" He teased. "Did you not expect that?"

"Shut up," I squeaked, punching his arm.

"Was that supposed to hurt?"

I groaned. "You are terrible."

He smirked. "But you like it, don`t you?"

"Maybe."

He chuckled and pulled me in for a kiss. My belly got in the way just a bit, as expected at this point, but we were still able to get at least one kiss in.

"I`m gonna miss you," I said.

"I am going to miss you too," Kyo whispered.

I buried my face in his shoulder and whispered a muffled, "It really is going to suck being away from you."

"I`m gonna hate it," he grunted, "Not having you by my side."

"Only a month. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that."

"It`s not gonna help."

"I know."

"Kyo!" Shinya called from the bus. "I`m sorry but we have to go."

"I`m coming!" Kyo called back with a grimace. He looked back at me and sighed. "Only a month."

"Only a month," I breathed.

Another kiss and he was gone and I was holding back tears. It was only after the bus was out of sight did I finally let them spill. I hated this. I hated it so much. Even though it was only a month for one and up to five for the other, it was still too long. Way too long. When you have someone by your side every day for months and then having them suddenly gone is terrible.

"Come on, Sweetheart," Nikki whispered, gently patting my arm. "We need to get going."

"I know," I whispered back while wiping away tears. "I`m going to miss them."

"All of us are."

We finally got onto our bus and I made a beeline for the bunks. I was determined to get as much sleep as possible. Especially if we were going to go straight to Jeff`s parent`s place. But a conversation in the living area made me pause.

"Who do you think is going to lose their singer?" Randy asked.

"What do you mean?" Jeff questioned. "Why would anyone lose their singer?"

"Kyo and Sam are dating, right? How long do you think it`ll last without them moving in together? Especially with that little girl on the way. Do you know how attached he`s going to get to them? Either Dir En Grey is going to lose their singer or we will," Randy explained.

"They can`t live in both Japan and the U.S. and still have a healthy relationship," Keith added.

I honestly never thought of that. I knew I didn`t want to quit our band. Even after having my daughter. This wouldn`t be Before Dawn`s last album would it?

The ride back home was long and I spent most of it sleeping. Well, what sleep I could get in a moving vehicle. It`s not always as easy as you`d think. No matter how used to it you get. Insomnia doesn`t exactly help either. Baby or not. It can still affect me. And it sucks.

When we finally arrived back in town we dropped our things off at our respective homes and then went to Jeff`s parent`s place. It was nice to see them both again. And I don`t think Iv`e ever had someone touch my belly as much as Amanda did that night. She was so excited. And as appointed grandmother I guess she should be. Since the only family I have related by blood is the little baby growing in my belly, the loved ones around me have become appointed grandparents and uncles. I don`t mind though. And with how loved my daughter will be, hopefully she won`t mind either. I think it just proves the saying "family isn`t always blood". Because it really is true. Especially in my case. Well, in our case now.

I`m going to have to get used to saying "our" now. And I think I can add that to the list of things I don`t mind. I really do.

The weeks leading up to our trip to L.A. were filled with lots of relaxing, spending time with Amanda and doctor visits. Lots of doctor visits. They were a bit worried about me traveling right at the seventh month mark in my pregnancy. They didn`t want anything to go wrong. And there were quite a few things that could. So that meant doctor visit after doctor visit. And for the sake of my little girls health I would put up with it. I wasn`t going to go anywhere if it meant hurting or losing her. Even if it meant putting the album on hold. Thankfully it didn`t come to that.

Our trip to L.A. was rather long because we couldn`t take a plane. My doctors thought it would put too much stress on my daughter and could already induce labor. So a long car ride was in order. My bandmates tried to make it as much of a fun road trip as possible and at times it worked. But not always. Nothing is fun when your kid is using your bladder as a soccer ball.

When we finally reached our destination I definitely enjoyed the weather. Our flat however was a different story. Don`t get me wrong, Amanda found us the perfect place. But one look and you could tell the place was expensive. Each of us had our own bedroom, mine ended up being the biggest, and there was already a nursery set up. It was more like a house than a flat. I expected something that screamed apartment building. Not warm and homey. Part of me wanted to smack Amanda for getting such an expensive place and the other part of me wanted to hug her. In the end it was a combination of both. I smacked her arm and then hugged her as best I could with my belly in the way.

Sometimes I forgot how rich Amanda and her husband were. They could have four summer homes across the world and still have at least a million dollars left over. Thankfully they know they shouldn`t waste it. The only thing they really "waste" it on are random things for the band like our new flat. Even though we try and do things on our own we still need help at times. And Amanda is always all too happy to help.

We all need a little help sometimes. Whether we want to admit it or not.

We were in the recording studio for a week before the Dir En Grey boys showed up. Turns out they were in the same building recording their album. Unfortunately they were on the other side of the building. So they ended up visiting us more than we visited them. Though that was mostly my fault. Walking clear across the building proved to be an exhausting task. So they all tried to make it easier on me.

The rooming arrangements however were a lot better. Their flat was right across the hall from ours. And we most definitely took advantage of that. It was almost like we were on tour again. Except it was a bit easier to get to each other whenever we wanted.

And as predicted by just about everyone, Kyo and I spent more nights in each others beds than we did alone. And we didn`t mind. Not one bit. It was nice waking up to him almost every morning. It was even nicer to wake up with his hand on my growing belly. I didn`t realize how much I missed it until that first morning.

Between writing songs, recording as much vocals as possible, and doctor visits I was exhausted. Far more than I normally would be when recording. So any free time was spent sleeping. And if by some miracle I wasn`t exhausted, I had date nights with Kyo that more often than not consisted of us relaxing on my flat`s little balcony. And he was somehow able to make it romantic. And I don`t think I`ll ever understand how he does it.

We were about halfway through recording our album when I went into labor. Two weeks early. And I was scared beyond belief. So many scenarios of losing her ran through my head that day. And I don`t think I have ever seen Kyo so panicked. Not even that day I passed out on tour and had to go to the hospital. I`d go so far as to say he was almost as scared as I was. Almost.

After ten hour of labor my little girl was born. Dark brown eyes, pitch black hair, pale as all hell and gorgeous beyond belief. She had to have some help breathing for a little while but she was perfectly fine other than that. I will never forget the moment I got to hold her. Or the moment Kyo did. After everyone else had held her he finally did. Practically shaking the whole time, afraid he`d drop her.

The second she grabbed onto his finger with her whole little hand, Kyo was in awe of her. To be able to witness the moment Kimiko had her new father wrapped around her finger was amazing. And Kyo became her father in every way. It took a little time but he got used to it. After all, James was really nothing but a sperm donor anyway. He never contacted me after we broke up so in my mind he didn`t matter. Kyo was her father. Simple as that. And he was damn good at it too.

In the end, my life didn`t turn out like I thought it would. It was even better. It`s true my life wasn`t a fairy tale. There were many unexpected twists and turns and fights but everything worked itself out for the better. It`s funny how it does.