I Still Get Butterflies

The phone had been ringing off the hook this morning, I was ignoring it since this was my one day I got to sleep in after my trip , of course I checked that it wasn't anything Caiden related.
My son had been at his paternal grandfather for the weekend since his father had landed himself in prison for drunk driving and some other stuff I didn't really care about.
Caiden was just a few months when we separated and I did try giving him part time custody but that didn't work out, he ignored my calls and never came back with Caiden when we had agreed so I got a lawyer and the custody battle began. However it didn't take too long before I had full custody with the agreement that Justin's father got one weekend a month with his grandson.
That was an agreement I happily took since from what I knew his father was a cop and he would do anything for his family.
I did eventually get up and check my phone where I had about 10 missed calls from the same person: Matt Casey.
'What could be so important that he'd call me so many times?' I thought calling him back, After a few rings he answered.
"Hey Matt what's up? I asked.
"Where have you been? I've been trying to call you for days" he said.
"I've been on a short trip" I answered "What's wrong?"
"Heather's been in an accident two days ago" he said.
My first thought were the boys and my heart froze.
"Is ... is she.." I couldn't bare to ask the question that was on my mind; 'Was she dead?' (Morbid much?)
"No she's fine but the passenger, she's in bad shape" Matt answering my unasked question "I need your help here"
"Don't know what I can do" I said.
"She's gonna need a lawyer" Matt said.
"I didn't pass the bar exam Matt, I'm no lawyer" I said
"I know but you might still be able to help" he said "besides I have the boys here and to be honest I'm a bit lost. Griffin refuses to come inside"
I smiled to myself at the thought of Matt trying to take care of Griffin and Ben, they could be a handful at times and since Andy died things had taken a turn for the worse especially with Griffin, he refused to go anywhere near the station or have anything to do with the firefighters.
Loosing a parent was not an easy thing, loosing my brother wasn't easy either but I tried being there for heather and the boys as much as possible.
"I'll be right over" I said grabbing my jacket & keys.
"Thank you Cordi" Matt said with a sigh of relief.
"No problem" I said heading out the door and for my car.
Twenty minutes I reached the station and saw Griffin and Matt sitting on the bench outside.
"Hey you two" I said as I walked up to them.
Griffin spat up and ran straight into me wrapping his arms tightly around me, I did the same.
I looked over at Matt with tears forming I my eyes, how had this innocent boys life become so complicated? It was so unfair!
"Wanna go back to Matt's place?" I asked.
He shook his head and tightened his grip on me.
"I wanna go home" he said.
I looked up at Matt and he shook his head "We can't do that buddy, sorry" I said and stroked the top of his head.
"Go get in the car and I'll get your brother." I said "Then we can go for ice cream and then back to Matt's place"
I knew he didn't want to but what choice did he have, so reluctantly Griffin did as he was told.
"I hope it's ok we use your place, mine's just too small for three kids and myself" I said following Matt inside.
"Yeah it's fine" he said smiling that beautiful, heart melting smile of his.
"Princess in the house" Herman shouted when he saw me.
Princess was my station given nickname, it originated from a Halloween picture of me with Griffin and Ben when they were little and I took them trick or treating, I was dressed as Princess Peach and the boys as Mario and Luigi. The picture was 'borrowed' and copied by one Kelly Severide and was posted all over the station so the nickname stuck.
"Hey guys" I said as they came over to greet me with bear hugs.
"Good to see you Cordelia" chief Boden said coming up to me.
"You too Chief" I said wrapping my arms around him, that brought me back to the day he came to tell me Andy had died and once agin I was tearing up.
Laughter filled the room as Kelly came in with Ben on his shoulders, quickly I dried my eyes and smiled brightly at them.
"Auntie Cordi" Ben shouted as Kelly set him down, he took off running towards me and gave me a hug.
"Hey buddy, did you have fun with Kelly?" I asked.
He looked up at me with wide eyes filled with excitement "Yes, he let me sit in the truck and try on the helmet"
"That's nice of him" I said giving Kelly a kiss on the cheek "Hello Severide"
"Princess" he winked.
"Bud, you wanna go get some ice cream?" I asked.
"Yes!" He shouted.
"Then grab your stuff and go wait in the car with your brother" I said letting him go.
"That was very fast" Matt said causing everyone to late out a laugh.
"I know how to handle my nephews" I joked.
"Better than me obviously" Matt said.
"Not really, it helps having one of your own" I laughed.
"I'll see you tonight then" Matt said giving me his keys.
"Yeah" I said " Bye everyone!"
"Don't be a stranger ok" Herman said coming up to give me another hug.
"Promise I won't" I said gripping him tightly.
"Whatever you need don't hesitate to call ok?" He whispered.
"Thank you Herman" I whispered back.

"Who wants some ice cream?" I shouted when I entered the car.
"I do!" Ben shouted back.
"Stop being such a child, she's just doing it to butter us up and take our mind off the crappy mess our life is" Griffin sneered causing Ben's eyes to start tearing up.
"Griffin" I scolded "Don't say thing like that to your brother, it's not very nice"
"But it's true" he scoffed.
"Enough of that" I said and started the car.
After we had eaten ice cream and done the shopping we went back to Matt's house, Griffin immediately ran up to what I guessed was their room and locked himself inside.
I stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up after him, then I directed my attention to the nephew I knew wanted me around.
"What do you wanna do sweetie?" I asked.
"Can we watch some cartoons?" He asked.
"Sure Bud, but I also have to get dinner ready so I'll sit with you a little while" I said
Ben sat down on the couch and turned the tv on, I sat down next to him for a while before I had to cook dinner.
Matt came home just in time, I had just taken the roast out of the oven.
"Great timing Matt" I said as he entered the kitchen.
"As usual" he said smiling and started to grab the plates and stuff.
"Ben why don't you come here and help Matt set the table" I shouted and almost immediately Ben came running into the kitchen eager to help.
"What are we eating, it smells amazing" Matt said looking over my shoulder.
He was so close I could feel his breath on my shoulder and I had to try so hard to not take a step back removing the space between us, what I wouldn't do to have him wrap his arms around me, hold onto me tightly and kiss my neck that this would be more than friendship.
How I wanted him right now, but this was not the time for this things were already so complicated with all this Heather stuff and Hailey's death.
Even before Hailey died, when they were broken up, I thought Matt had show interest in me but who knew maybe I had misinterpreted everything?
"I tried making Griffins favorite roast with baby carrots, mashed potatoes and gravy but I'm not sure I got it right" I said looking it over, Heather was an amazing cook so replicating something she used to make was nearly impossible.
"I think it looks and smells amazing, I'm sure Griffin will appreciate the effort" Matt encouraged.
"Doubtful, he hasn't been very nice today" I said.
Before Matt could say anything Ben came in to get the glasses.
"How's it going Buddy?" Matt asked.
"Good" he answered and hurried back out.
Matt turned to me and gave me a questioning look.
"It hasn't been say for him since..." I could t say it, I still had problems accepting the fact that my dear brother was dead.
"Since Andy died" Matt filled in.
"Yeah, he's been acting out the poor boy" I sighed.
"It's just gonna be for a few days, Heather will be out soon enough" Matt tried cheering me up "You're doing all you can"
"What if it's not enough?" I asked turning around to look at him.
How could he have this much faith in me, he knew how badly I had screwed up my life by being with Justin.
"We'll make these days work I promise" he said reassuringly.
Then Ben came back into the kitchen to get utensils.
"Almost done?" I asked.
Ben nodded looking really proud of himself.
"Why don't you go get your brother once you're done?" I asked.
"I'll try" he said and continued on his mission to set the table.
"I need to go get Caiden from his grandfather after dinner" I said careful not to mention Hank's name around Casey.
Yes I knew all he had done to terrorize him and Hailey a few months ago but I couldn't stop him from seeing Caiden, we had a court order agreement and I was scared to try and change it knowing what I knew now.
"Why do you let hi spend a weekend there?" Matt asked.
"He's his grandfather and with Justin behind bars he needed a male role model and I thought Hank was a good man, how could I have known he was such a bad man?" I asked " Besides Caiden is his grandson I don't think he'd hurt him in any way"
"True but now you know what he's capable of why not go to court an try to change it?" He asked.
"Because I'm all alone and Hank scares me now, I don't dare challenge him. I have too much to loose" I said.
Matt looked like he was going to argue with me but then calmed down "I'm sorry it's none of my business, it's just I'm worried bout him and you"
There it was again, he cared for me and my kid just like I wanted maybe? Was I being delusional now, was I really so alone and desperate for someone to be with that I interpreted friendly caring for deeper feelings?
"It's good that you care, we really need it. Thank you Matt" I said hugging him.
"I'm hungry" Ben said from the dining room.
"Guess its time for dinner" I said backing away.