When We're Both Thirty

“So someone remind me, why is it that you two hate each other so much? I’m assuming the fact that I am as fantastic as I am may have played a part in why Frank likes me better, but I don’t see why you two have to hate each other so much. Like, seriously, you are both adults, well, I say that loosely as you both act like you’re only six, but you’re still old enough that hating each other over something that happened when you were children seems out of place.”

“We just hate each other, okay?” Gerard says.

“Ah, thank you ever so much for enlightening me,” Mikey says, making a face.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Frank says.

“No, of course not? Because I can’t understand the tribulations between two small children stuck in adult bodies. Who am I to ever come to grips on how idiotic the both of you actually are?”

“He’s just a jerk, okay?” Gerard says.

Frank raises an eyebrow, “Oh now, Gerard, you shouldn’t talk in third person like that. It’s very unsophisticated. I know you’re a jerk, but you can just say it out loud.”

“Bitch,” Gerard murmurs.

“Frank’s right bro, you really shouldn’t be talking in third person like that. You’re never going to get a job if you keep that up.”

“I hate you both. Mikey you promised you’d pay for things?” Gerard says.

“Yeah,” Mikey says, and before he can even ask what Gerard intends to get, he’s calling a waiter over.

About a minute later Gerard has ordered one of each appetizer, six cokes, a bottle of wine, and a Dr. Pepper.

“You deserved that,” Gerard says, grinning after he sends the waiter off.

“That was a mean thing to do.”

“You ambushed me by making me come to a place with my least favorite person. You deserved that. You’re just lucky I didn’t order a more expensive bottle of wine.”

“You’re not even going to drink the fucking wine!” Mikey complains.

“More for you two,” Gerard grins.

“I’m missing something,” Frank says.

“Yeah,” Gerard nods, “it’s called a brain. That must be a bummer, not being able to think for yourself. But at least you identify with the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Except, sadly, you’re not as good looking as him.”

“Did you just call a man stuffed with hay attractive?”

“I just called him more attractive than Frank, but then again, that’s like saying a turnip is more attractive than Frank. It’s just inherently true.”

“Oh please, Gerard,” Mikey says, “you think Frank is attractive. He thinks you’re attractive. I think chocolate cake is attractive.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is appealing,” Frank says.

“Nope. Attractive. I find chocolate cake attractive. Every time I see chocolate cake I think unspeakable things.”

“He’s seen American Pie one too many times,” Gerard says.

“Chocolate cake is sexy.”

“How can you talk about cake like that when you’re literally made out of pipe cleaners and googley eyes?” Frank asks.

“He eats like a pig. I don’t know where it even goes. I think there’s a vortex in his stomach or something,” Gerard laughs.

Frank snorts, “Probably.”

“I don’t appreciate the way you’re talking about me like I’m not even here.”

“I didn’t even realize you were here,” Gerard says, “You probably fall into sofa cushions and stuff.”

Frank nods, “Mikey, tell me, have you ever accidentally gotten sucked into an escalator?”

“Seriously?” Mikey asks. “You’re teaming up on me? You two? Seriously? The two people who hate each other so much they see spots when they look at each other are actually teaming up on me?”

“What size of clothes do you wear Mikey?” Gerard asks, “A boys small? Or do you have to get it custom made because shirts just fall off your shoulders?”

“Shut up,” Mikey groans.

“No, see I think that he probably just hits up toy stores and borrows clothes off of Ken dolls.”

“I seriously thought that inviting you two to sit at the same table would mean that you’d insult each other. I wasn’t expecting the two of you to make fun of me!” Mikey says.

“Well, that’s just what you get for luring me here under false pretenses.”

“Seriously? You’ve already spent like fifty bucks of my money on greasy appetizers and now you’re blaming me?”

“You should’ve gotten extra fries,” Frank says, “I like fries.”

“Me too, it’s not too late. You want something to drink? It’s on Mikey,” Gerard says, and Frank just smirks and looks at Mikey beside him who looks like he’s seriously reevaluating his life choices.

“Now that I think of it-”

“No, Frank,” Mikey interjects.

“I didn’t even-”

“No, Frank.”

“But-”

“No, Frank.”

“You’re not even letting me talk!” Frank says.

“Alright, Frank,” Mikey says, “say what you will.”

“Well I just-”

“No, Frank.”

“Fucking hell,” Frank groans.

“Michael Way, you need to learn to think things through. Before inviting me to a bar to see me and Frank fighting, just remember who you’re messing with. Maybe next time, a park. I can’t bankrupt you at a park.”

“Yes you can,” Frank says, “just steal his wallet and throw it at a duck.”

“If I steal his wallet, I’m not going to waste the effort by throwing it at a duck. Nah, I’m going to move to Australia or something. Buy a typewriter. Get myself a small bird,” Gerard says.

“Maybe invest in a deodorant company,” Frank suggests.

“How much money do you think I have?” Mikey asks.

“Apparently enough to own a small bird, a typewriter, a home in Australia and stock in a deodorant company,” Frank says.

“Okay, I could maybe get you the typewriter and the bird, but I don’t think I’ve got the cash to even pay for a ticket to Australia,” Mikey says.

“Well maybe we can negotiate about trading that typewriter for the ticket to Australia,” Gerard suggests.

“You’re not going to Australia.”

“Please?” Gerard asks.

“No.”

“What about me?” Frank asks.

“I’m not buying you a ticket to Australia?”

“How about you buy me a ticket half way to Australia?”

“Um, I think that would end you somewhere in the middle of the ocean.”

“That’s precisely where you should send Frank!” Gerard exclaims, “And when you drop him off, you should tie an anchor to him.”

“See, that’s what I was looking for. I was looking for you two to make fun of each other and make threats of ugly demise, but no, you got focused on me. That’s not fun. I don’t want that.”

“Mikey, you look like a squirrel,” Gerard says.

“Mikey, you look like a bowl of noodles,” Frank adds.

“Mikey, you smell like you fell in a sewer.”

“Mikey, you’re elbows are sharper than you are.”

“Mikey, looking at you makes me want to chuck myself off a cliff.”

“Mikey-”

“That is enough!” Mikey shrieks, a little too loudly.

“You were literally begging us to do that,” Gerard says.

“This has greatly backfired on me,” Mikey says.

“Mikey, you constantly have the facial expression like you just ate pencil shavings,” Frank says.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Mikey says.

“It’s never enough,” Gerard responds.

“Insult each other some more!” Mikey groans, like he’s a two year old asking for more candy. Gerard raises an eyebrow at him and Frank just shakes his head like he’s disappointed in how quickly they managed to unravel Mikey.

“I think that’s the first thing we’ve found in common,” Frank says, “we both like to make fun of Mikey.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily a favorite pastime of mine, it’s just really easy. I have so much dirt on Mikes. I mean, I’ve known him for his whole life so obviously I know all the things that make him want to crawl under a rock, but seriously, he’s easy to make fun of.”

“Oh really?” Mikey says, looking like he’s got a little bit of Satan in his eye, “when Gerard was twelve he walked into a girl’s locker room by mistake and got chased out by a grandma.”

“Seriously? You wanna play this game, Mikey? Well fine, Mikey made a new friend once and he went over to their house to play hide and go seek, and he walked into the friends’ mom’s room while she was about to take a shower. He then got reprimanded for being a pervert, and was never invited to that house ever again.”

“A lot of your embarrassing stories seem to involve naked women,” Frank notes.

“Gerard tried to impress a guy he liked when he was rollerblading by his house, but he wasn’t looking where he was going so he smacked into their car and broke the window.”

“Oh yeah? Well Mikey tried to impress a girl he liked, and not-so-casually fell down a flight of stairs before he was taken to the nurse with a bloody nose.”

“Gerard’s first boyfriend isn’t even a dude anymore!”

“Hey!” Gerard snaps, “Ellie is much happier now, thank you very much. I have no animosity towards her for that. Besides, we were never serious.”

“Elliot was your first kiss!”

“Actually, I was Gerard’s first kiss,” Frank says.

“You were?” Gerard asks.

“You can’t tell me you don’t remember when we kissed under the mistletoe,” Frank says, looking at Gerard disbelievingly.

He thinks for a moment before he does actually recall that and then he cringes. “Oh god, my first kiss was with Frank. Ew.”

“How come I’ve never heard of this?” Mikey asks.

“You were like two, you wouldn’t remember,” Gerard brushes him off, “Just, ugh, gross.”

“You’re not going to tell me that you’re afraid I have cooties or something,” Frank says, looking entirely unimpressed with how childish Gerard is.

“Well, don’t you?” Gerard asks.

“Oh grow up.”

Mikey decides to interrupt, “Gerard butt dialed me once while he had, uh, ‘company.’”

“Mikey!” Gerard says, actually turning a little pink at that one, because all the other things had been about fifteen years ago, but that last one was like, a couple of months ago. In his defense though, that guy was really hot, and everything other than the whole accidentally butt dialing his brother while in the process of being fucked was great.

“It’s true,” Mikey shrugs.

“Sometimes I wish I had had siblings, but then other times...” Frank drifts off.

“Mikey’s last girlfriend broke up with him by text.”

“Dude!”

“Now we’re even!” Gerard says.

“Your family is so dysfunctional I don’t even have the words,” Frank shakes his head.

“Oh fuck off, Iero,” Gerard says.