The Lies You Tell Yourself

Every moment that I was not in class I was preparing for my trip home. With two days left I zipped my suitcase closed with satisfaction. Now I was only waiting on my mom to forward me my confirmation email from the airport. I grabbed my phone off of my desk and sent a text to Justin.

All packed! I can’t wait to see you. I love you.

After a moment my screen lit up with his reply. K. the past few days had been much of the same, short responses if I was lucky enough to get any response at all. It only compelled me to reach out to him more.

I love you! I repeated.

Ditto he replied after another brief wait.

What's up with you? You've been acting weird. Normally I did not like to confront him, but this felt necessary.

Nothing. I rolled my eyes. I should have figured.

Okay, I attempted a different approach, I'll just see you Friday then.

Yeah, I guess. Bye.

My heart was beginning to pound against my rib age like an unwelcome visitor at the front door. I let myself fall back onto my bed and tried to take deep, slow breaths. I repeated my calming mantra aloud. "You're fine. You're fine. Take it easy. You're fine." My hands were trembling but my breaths stayed steady. I closed my eyes and tried to hold back the flood of "what ifs" that threatened to crash into my brain. I stood up and began to pace the floor, clutching my chest as if to prevent my heart from falling out. He's giving up, the thoughts crept in. He's giving up on you, and himself.

He's depressed.

He's on drugs.

He's going to die.

It's your fault.

You left him.

Why did you leave him?

He's going to die.

You don't really love him.

You shouldn't have left.

You can't imagine the pain he's in.

It's your fault.

You're killing him.

He could already be dead.

I had lost control of my lungs. I was being smothered, choked, suffocated by the thoughts. My chest was caving in and I was drowning. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to shake out my head. “You’re fine. You’re fine. Take it easy…” I chanted between gasps of air as I rocked my body back and forth.

The door clicked as my roommate turned her key and I dove under my blankets. I fought to slow my breathing. You’re fine, you’re fine, turned into, Shut up. Shut up. I forced my anxiety back enough to silence myself.

“Looks like she’s finally getting some sleep,” I heard Ana’s voice as two pairs of footsteps shuffled into the room. “It’s about time.”

“I feel like such a dick.” Jessie was with her. “She’s barely spoken to me since I flipped out on her the other day.”

“Did you apologize?”

“Of course I did, but it’s like she’s not even here. She needs a break. She’s totally burnt out.” Jessie was trying to keep her steps quiet, but I could feel her coming towards me and her gaze falling on me in my lump of blankets.

“But what about you Jess? How are you doing? You can’t just spend all your time—”

“You know she’s not really asleep, right?” Jessie interrupted. I froze and cringed as Jessie jabbed my side and bounced onto the foot of my bed.

I had to stifle a laugh as I tried to save face. “Huh?” I groaned, pulling my pillow over my head. “Jess what are you doing?”

“You’re such a liar,” she shoved me with a strong but playful hand. The spot on my forearm stayed warm from her touch.

“No, I’m not,” I sat up slowly and spoke in a groggy tone, rolling my neck and rubbing my eyes.

“Then how did you know it was me, you dork?” her grin was full of skepticism.

“Because I know you,” I laughed and stuck my tongue out like a child.

“Ugh,” she laughed. “Can we stop being assholes to each other and be friends again?” Her eyes softened, a rare moment of vulnerability that revealed her sincerity.

“I’m sorry,” I hung my head and sighed. Justin and Jessie did not have to be an either-or situation, and forcing it to be that way had done more harm than good. For just a moment, I let myself shove Justin to the side. “I’ve just been stressed.” The truth was sitting right behind my tongue, wanting to force itself out. Everything was threatening to escape, Justin, my fears, the constant anxiety about everything, how being with her was the only thing that kept my feet on the ground and how stupid I was being by pushing her away.

She slung one arm around my shoulders without me saying another word. A magnetic force was pulling me and I was overwhelmed with the desire to relax into her and cry my hear out. Instead I bit my lip and shifted away from her. She mirrored me, pulling herself back. “So, we’re cool?”

“We never weren’t. I could never stay mad at you,” my heart fluttered as the tiny piece of truth escaped and my cheeks grew warm. I stared down at my hands, chewing on the inside of my mouth. Nervous had become my default state of being.

“Wish I could say the same,” she cracked a smile. “But you know me. What am I if not angry?”

I shook my head. “You sell yourself short way too much.” I relaxed my jaw and looked up at her. “Look at it as a strength. You know what you want. You’re strong, and incredibly passionate.” My breath hitched as the words left my lips and our eyes locked.

“Yeah,” she shrugged and turned towards Ana, who was sitting on her bed across the room. “You would call it that.”

After an awkward moment of silence, I offered a change of subject. “So you guys all done with your finals?” I immediately realized my mistake when I was answered with death glares from both of them. I had forgotten my good fortune of being finished with everything early. “Sorry, my bad.”

“How about we take a break tonight though?” Ana suggested. She snapped her textbook closed, indicating that the matter was already settled in her mind. “A few hours not studying should do us some good.”

Half an hour and a few text messages later our room was filled by our tight-knit group of friends. Someone had brought one of our go-to movies and we were passing around a tube of raw cookie dough. We laughed at each other and griped about classes. Jessie managed to get everyone’s focus for a few moments when she told an animated story about a disagreement she had with a professor. Her laugh was too loud and her gestures too strong, but she was a beckon showing my heart the way home. As a soft snow began to fall outside the window, I felt warm and at peace for the first time in days.



The night before by departure date I sat alone in my room, staring out that same window. The snow had never stopped, but instead escalated to blizzard status. Visibility was close to zero and our little college town was in a state of emergency. The electricity was out and my room was lit by the flashlight on my rapidly dying cellphone. The RAs in our building had gotten together all the flashlights and lanterns that they could to create a study spot in the common room. My cell phone was heavy in my hand, displaying my canceled flight email. I wanted to throw it out the window, into the storm. I had texted Justin two hours ago when I first got the cancellation notice, but had yet to hear anything back. As my battery showed another low power warning I realized I was not going to.

My phone is about to die. Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out. I love you. Immediately after it confirmed the sent message, both the screen and the flashlight shut off, sending me into complete darkness. I had been so careful every step of the way, so focused, so prepared. I was supposed to be going to sleep in an hour so that I could be up at 6:30 in order to get to the airport with plenty of time to check in and go through security before my flight would take off. In less than twenty-four hours I was supposed to be falling into Justin’s open arms, taking in his pain and suffering, curing his loneliness. But mother nature had taken over and everything was going to shit.

I buried my face in my pillow to muffle my scream and pounded my fist against the mattress. I was tired of internalizing my feelings. I was tired of the internal chaos that brewed every time a less-than happy emotion crossed my mind. I did not want to choke and shake and tremble and panic. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to punch a wall or someone’s face or anything. I stood up and rubbed my eyes as they adjusted to the darkness. My packed suitcase sat waiting in the corner, still ready to go. I kicked it across the room as tears welled up in my eyes. I kicked it again and again and again before I collapsed onto the floor, crying.

The door creaked open slowly and a beam of light shinned into the room. “Oh Kyle, what’s wrong?” Ana knelt down beside me. Between the dim light and my blurred vision her face was barely discernible.

I only managed to expel a few audible words, “Flight… canceled… Justin.” With his name the sobs took complete control.

“I’m so sorry,” she placed a gentle hand on my back and stayed next to me, silent and supportive, until I calmed down.



A few hours later our hall erupted with cheers as the lights flickered back to life. I immediately plugged my cell phone into the wall and impatiently pressed the power button every few seconds to see if it had enough of a charge to turn back on. It was after midnight and Ana was sound asleep. As for myself, I knew insomnia was winning tonight. I laid down on my back and stared at the ceiling. What was I going to do about Justin? I briefly considered contacting his mother. Maybe she could at least make sure he stayed stable until whenever I managed to get home. But I did not want to take the chance of angering him, he probably did not want her to know about his current mental state, especially if drugs were involved. She was never able to understand him. She divorced his father before the abusive behavior started, back when there were only warning signs. She escaped the trauma that Justin later fell victim to, but no one can just divorce their father. I could never relate to everything that he had been through, but at least I listened. I made sure he knew his feelings were valid, when he was willing to share them. It just seemed like lately there was not much sharing going on, and it was my fault for being so far away from him.

My cell phone vibrated and lit up as it finally awoke. I picked it up and was relieved to see an new text from Justin. At least he was answering me this time. I quickly opened the message, anxious to see any kind of sign that he was holding up.

This is bullshit. Don’t bother.