The Lies You Tell Yourself

Fifteen minutes after getting out of the shower, Justin told me he was going back to sleep. This left me to lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling, restless but paralyzed by anxiety. I chewed on the side of my mouth until it was raw. I only stopped when I started to taste blood. "Shit," I hissed softly. I started to suck on the spot in an effort to stop the bleeding. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to relax.



I had never intended for things to get as serious with Justin as they did. He was supposed to be my rebound. When we started dating I thought at most it would be a summer fling, but with how he treated me and how he made me feel, I knew halfway through the summer that I wanted to make this last. For the first time in my life I was someone’s number one. He texted me good morning every day and we talked on the phone until we fell asleep every night. When we were together I felt lively and bright, like one of the summer flowers he picked off the bushes around town. On one of my rare days off during the month of July, we were driving around in his Jeep and I knew that I had to speak up.

"Justin, I think I love you," I stated abruptly. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and took a few deep breaths. My heart was pounding and my face felt hot.

"Oh," he replied after a moment. "Thanks but... I don't think I'm ready to say that back. I don't want to lie to you."

My stomach fell, and in my panic I lost my breath. The pounding in my chest beat harder and faster, my head was spinning. Sweat started to form on the back of my neck and I was suddenly holding back tears. "It's okay,” I choked out, “Thanks for being honest.”

He turned and caught my gaze for a split second. I quickly turned and tried to blink away the tears. “Aw shit, don’t get like that, please?” He pulled onto the shoulder suddenly while bringing the vehicle to an abrupt halt. “Kyle, look at me.” I kept my head down, biting my lip with my eyes tightly shut. I fought to kept my breathing slow and even so that I would not completely lose control of my emotional response. “Kyle, cut it out.” He reached across the car and grabbed under my chin, forcing me to face him. “Look at me.” With no other option available I slowly opened my eyes, keeping my gaze on the radio. “Kyle!” His voice had lost patience and I snapped my eyes up to meet his.

"Look," he continued. “I like you a lot. And I think I could love you one day. So don't worry about it, no need to stress." He released my chin and took hold of my trembling hands. "You're beautiful."

“No I’m not,” I looked back down at our hands. “I’m pathetic. I’m sorry. I’m such a mess.”

“It’s fine, I’m used to it.” He pushed a piece of hair behind my ear and squeezed my hand. “Just calm down. Do you want some ice cream or something?” I nodded and he kissed the top of my head before putting the Jeep back in gear.



I nearly fell out of bed when my alarm suddenly woke me up. I looked down at myself and found my fists clenched. My heart beat was vibrating through my entire body and my breaths were short and shallow. My blankets were on the floor and my cell phone was sitting on my pillow. I could not remember falling asleep, but it was time to get ready for class. My classmates’ debates were not going to watch themselves, as much as I wanted them to. I rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times, no more ready to start my day. It was going to be a long week.

When I arrived at history class I slid into my seat and let my bag fall to the floor with a thud. The classroom was empty other than a handful of students scattered around the room. I rolled my neck in a failed attempt to crack it, and rested my elbows on my desk. I ran my hand through my unbrushed hair, trying to work out the knots, trying to do anything to keep my mind busy. Whatever sleep I had managed to get had not been restful. I bowed my head towards my desk and placed my forehead in my hands, taking a deep breath as I closed my eyes.

All I saw was that scar, thick and raised, running halfway down his arm. How much he must have bled. How his father must have wrapped him up with a bandage and called him a dumbass. It would not have healed like that with proper medical care. I was the only one who understood the severity of the situation and maybe I was the only one who cared. I tried to shake the image of him laying on his bedroom floor, high on whatever he got his hands on, holding a knife.

"Shit, you okay?" Jessie tore me out of my trance.

"Yeah, just tired," I replied without even thinking.

"Really?" She sat down next to me. "I thought you were done with the late night papers."

"I am, my sleep schedule is just totally messed up. Couldn't sleep."

"Uh huh," she nodded slowly. "How's Justin holding up?"

I snapped my gaze from the top of my desk to her face, and she was looking straight back at me. Her expression stayed neutral, her eyes steady and lips together in a flat line.

"He's fine..." I swallowed hard. "Just anxious for me to come home."

"You just had to say you didn't wanna talk about it. You don't need to lie," she raised her voice, causing a few of our classmates to turn around and look at us.

"Well what was up with that girl last night?" I grasped at the first thing that came to mind in order to change the subject.

“And that is something I don’t want to talk about,” she paused briefly, making me think that I had lucked out and she dropped the subject, but I should have known better. “If you’re having some kind of problem and you don’t want to talk about it, that’s one thing. But blatantly lying to my face about it, that’s shitty. You can’t walk around pretending that nothing is bothering you when clearly something is, and then just keep pushing me away at every chance you get.” The intense volume of her voice attracted the attention of a few more classmates. My face grew hot as I realized how many people were staring at us.

“Shut up,” I hissed through clenched teeth. “Maybe I’m pushing you away because it’s none of your goddamn business.”

My quieter tone was not giving her any hints. Subtly was not her strong point. “You make it my goddamn business by walking around looking so miserable. I worry about you because I fucking care about you. So fucking sue me.” She stood up and slung her backpack over her shoulder. “I have to go. Let me know how class goes later. Or don’t. I don’t fucking care.” She rushed out of the room, leaving me to deal with the half-full classroom staring at me by myself. I pulled out a notebook and pretended to be consumed by doodling until our professor entered the room.

“End of the semester and our group is growing thin I see,” he said as he shuffled to his podium. “Knowing that this happens every semester I decided to give you all a little extra time to get here today, but I guess this is it.” He began calling the names of all the students he did not see in the classroom and I kept my head bowed, waiting for the inevitable moment when he would call Jessie’s name. I chewed on the side of my mouth and continued my doodle.

“Miss Rosenfeld?” the professor surprised me by calling my name instead.

“Present,” I raised my hand, confused.

“Oh, sorry, my mistake,” he chuckled. “I meant your friend, Miss ahh—”

“Jessie had an emergency, she’ll email you,” the standard protective response spilled out of my mouth with ease, and I heard faint mumbles of dissent from around the room, but no one was willing to truly speak up.

“Oh, okay, well let her know we send our best,” he continued down the line of absentees and I could feel someone staring at the back of my head.

I slowly turned around as he came to the end of the list, and I saw Becca, the girl from last night, sitting two rows behind me. I instantly snapped back to face the front of the room. Shit. How had I not recognized her? And why did Jessie let me talk about her with her sitting right behind me? I went over last night’s brief conversation over and over and none of it made sense. She asked if we were friends. Everyone in that class knew we were, revealing that was unavoidable with how loud Jessie could be. Did I miss something?

I chewed on the side of my mouth. I bit my nails. I tore off bits of skin from my lips with my teeth. I tapped my foot and drew scribbles and swirls in my notebook. But I did not hear a single word of whatever went on in class that day. I was somewhere else entirely. Justin needed me and I was failing him. Jessie was mad at me and I was pushing her away. I could not handle both of these problems at once, and my priority was clear.