Under Your Skin

I frowned and bit my lip nervously. I had been dreading telling him all night, and even more so, thinking about it.
“O-okay, well…just be patient okay? I—I’ve never told anyone,” Vic nodded and waited for me to continue.
“Okay…so, right after I turned fifteen, the boy that I liked asked me out. He was seventeen, and I really liked him, so I said yes. He was really nice to me—or at least he pretended to be, and…I fell in love with him.
We, um, we dated for…six months, I think, and after a while he mentioned that he wanted to…he wanted to sleep together. I—I wasn’t really ready to, but I did love him, and I wanted him to be as happy as I was.
He kept bringing it up, and so eventually I just promised that I would.
Um, my parents were away on separate business trips one weekend, and he stayed over. We were going to, but I was virgin, so I was scared, but he kept pushing it.
I ended up telling him that I didn’t want to anymore, and, and he got really upset and started shouting at me.
He said that I was a liar, and if I really loved him then I would do it, but I didn’t want to.
J-Jared got really mad and so he pinned me to my bed and--,” I choked back tears, and took a massive breath as Vic slid his hand into mine.
He twined our fingers together and just held as he waited for me to continue.
I had to get this out.
“Um…h-he t-tied my hands to the bed frame and st-started taking our clothes off. I begged him to stop, and even screamed at him, but we were the only ones there.
He—he put tape over my mouth and th-then…”
I held Vic’s hand tighter as tears dripped down my cheeks. I had never said it before.
“He r-raped me,” I choked and cried for a minute. Vic didn’t move, probably knowing I didn’t want to be touched.
“Um,” I swallowed roughly and rubbed some of the tears away. “He k-kept saying all of these things to me—and, and y-yelling at me for crying, but it hurt. It was s-so painful physically, but, but hurt other ways too.
I th-thought that he loved me, and, and it just hurt so fucking bad Vic,” He squeezed my hand reassuringly and stayed silent until I was ready to talk again.
“He left me there…he threatened me and then just left. Um, o-one of my friends, Justin—he f-found me there, but I was unconscious, and he t-took me to the hospital.
Everyone kept asking what had happened, although the doctors already knew, and, and I begged them not to tell my parents. M-my grandmother paid all of the bills, and even t-tried to get me to sue, but I was so afraid of him and embarrassed that I wouldn’t admit it had even happened. I told everyone that I couldn’t remember.
I…I was just s-so ashamed of myself because of it, and so alone that…… that I just wanted to die,”
I heard Vic gasp slightly although he pretended his hadn’t.
“Um, I t-took a bunch of pills and all I remember is passing out. I guess my parents found me, but I can’t remember………I woke up in the hospital again and, and my parents were there. They put me through therapy, although I never told them what happened.
I couldn’t. I—I just,” I shook my head, Vic finally pulling me into his arms.
I sobbed into his chest, my whole body shaking as I cried. It hurt so much to even think about, but it was also freeing to tell him.
I wasn’t alone anymore. ~

Vic held me the entire time I was crying, although he stayed quiet. He probably didn’t know what to say, but there wasn’t anything he could say to make it better.
I finally stopped, Vic still holding me against his chest gently. “I’m so sorry Kellin,” he whispered and squeezed me.
I had noticed the horrified look on Vic’s face while I was talking, and I imagined that it was probably the same now. I wondered if he was disgusted by me now.
I was tainted, and nothing could fix that. I couldn’t get my virginity back.
“Kellin?” Vic asked, so quietly I almost missed it. “Kellin, you know it’s not your fault, right?” he asked.
I sat up and just stared at him in confusion. Of course it was my fault.
“It doesn’t matter that you loved him, or that you had said no. It was his decision, and it’s not your fault that he took advantage of you. It isn’t fair, and he had no right to do that to you, but please just—just don’t think that you deserved it or that you were asking for it something, because it’s not you fault. And—and you’re still Kellin, and you’re just as good as you were before,”
I threw my arms around him and buried my face in his neck.
I didn’t know it before, but I really needed to hear it. I needed to hear that I wasn’t the one at fault, and that there was nothing wrong with me because of what he did.
Vic held onto me too, leaning his face into my hair.
“I’m so sorry he hurt you Kellin…but I’m glad you’re still here. I’m glad you failed,”
I started crying again, ruining his shirt some more. No one had ever told me that.
Granted, when I woke up, my parents did look upset, and I was pretty sure they had cried. But they never told me that they were happy I was alive.
They weren’t affectionate people, and they didn’t say ‘I love you’ all the time like parents should. I had needed them after what he did to me, and I had needed to feel loved, but I didn’t. I felt shut off from everyone, and like I was worthless.
No one had told me that they wanted me here, or that they wanted me to stay alive; and I honestly needed it.
“V-Vic………I d-don’t hate you,” I sobbed.
I felt him smile against my skin, and then he was rubbing my back.
I didn’t hate him at all. ~