Tomorrow's Money

After Gerard and I had finished our talk, we'd gone back to everyone as if nothing ever happened. We were still a little tense over what had happened, and what I knew I would have to tell Wil, but at the same time, the tension over the whole break up was about cleared. I couldn't decide if it was something we'd ever need to talk about again, hopefully not.

I'd gotten home around 5, leaving just enough time to make dinner. I didn't want to tell Wil anything, but I figured if I didn't I would only feel guilty. So I made his favorite dinner to hopefully soften the blow. I already felt terrible and was a nervous wreck. I only got more nervous when I heard the door open and shut again.

"Hey dear." He greeted, seemingly in a good mood.

"Hi." I said, avoiding the kiss on the cheek I knew I was supposed to get. "Dinner is on." I said, rushing to the kitchen.

"Looks good. Meatloaf is my favorite! Thank you." He said, sitting down. Why did he have to be so happy and grateful. "You know Lilian, I'm pretty lucky to have you. You always put up with my music and me not being around as much, and you're still always so great about it. I really appreciate that you know." He said, as if he knew saying these things would make me feel worse.

"Oh, uh, yeah. I don't know, it's really not a big deal." I muttered, avoiding eye contact.

"It is! Hey, why don't we go to a movie tonight, just the two of us?" He offered.

"No. I'm tired and I have school tomorrow. Thanks though." I said, picking at my food, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to tell him.

"Oh. Well that's okay, maybe tomorrow?" He asked, hopeful.

"No, I have a lot of studying to do tomorrow. I have a test at the end of the week so I need to make sure I study well." I said, only half lying. I did have a test I really needed to study for, but it wasn't the reason I didn't want to go out with him.

"Oh. Maybe another time." He said, sounding disappointed. "How about we get some ice cream and see what's on TV?" he offered, perking up a bit.

"I think I need to lay down." I said, suddenly getting up from the table to go to the bedroom.

"Are you alright?" he asked, following me.

"I'm fine." I said, holding back tears. I hated hurting people.

"What is it?" He asked, jumping in front of the door way so I couldn't go in.

"I just, I don't know." I lied, getting more upset. My anxiety was raging, the room almost spinning, making me sick. "I did something dumb." I admitted, knowing I couldn't hold it back much longer.

"What? What did you do?" He asked, worried.

"I can't tell you." I cried. I couldn't stand hurting him, but I also couldn't stand keeping this a secret.

"You have to. What is it?" He asked, going cold. His face was pale and he stood rigid, trying to hide is already growing anger.

"It's a long story and I want you to sit with me and not say a word until I'm done. Okay?" I asked, forcing him to promise.

"Let's go." he said, opening the door to our room. We sat on the bed together and my stomach churned.

"Okay, remember, not a word." I paused and waited until he nodded to start my story. "When I was 17, I transferred to public school for a semester. I never intended to stay, just try it. And I had this friend whose brother is Gerard Way. And yes, the singer from the band you opened for the other night." I added to ease his questioning face. "And I did something totally stupid. I somehow managed to keep seeing him outside of school, you know because he wasn't in high school, and things got more serious and long story short I was in love with my friend's brother" I didn't want Wil to know the dangerous side of the story where Gerard was actually a 24 year old student teacher. "We started dating for a short time, but in that short time I fell in love and hard. I never meant to.. But I did." I paused, looking at his sad face. I expected him to look more angry. "So after a while, we realized that his brother's girlfriend was obsessed with Gerard, and she somehow knew something was going on between us. So she threatened me, beat me up and freaked out on him. I called him one night after I got home from the hospital and he broke up with me for a lot of different and complicated reasons that were absolutely for the best. He left town, moved across the country in a night, cast away his career and education and he never contacted me again. I was angry at him, so angry.. But when I saw him at the venue the other night, we talked and found out we never really hated each other. And now things are super confusing because I also realized that I have never loved anyone the way I loved him, and I don't think that love for him is ever going to go away. So I told him I wanted to see him again, before he goes back to LA. So today he invited me to a cook out with a few people and we went to talk about everything that happened and we fought and yelled and suddenly everything stopped and I found him kissing me, and.. I.. I kissed him back." I admitted. Of course I wanted to lie. The horrified look on his face said more than I wanted to listen to. "So that's it. I'm very confused right now, I did something I shouldn't have, and now it's in your hands." I said, accidentally quoting Gerard. I felt bad for not telling him the most important part of the story, but how could I just tell him that?

"No it isn't in my hands." He countered me, calmly, though not looking at me anymore. "You've already made this mess, nothing is in my hands. I do care about you, and I would like to stay with you and work through this together, even though kissing him behind my back was wrong. But I want to work it out if you do." He was oddly okay with everything, and I found it strange.

"Why would you want that? I kissed another man behind your back. I'm telling you that I'm pretty sure I'm still in love with him. Why is that okay? Don't you think you deserve to be treated better than that?" I tried reasoning with him. Had he told me he kissed another girl I probably wouldn't have wanted to be with him.

"I want to that because I can't help but feel a part of you still loves me too." He said, a little too heart broken.

"Of course I do." I touched his arm, being as honest as I could with him. "But I love him too. And oddly, I feel completely different about you than I do him. I don't know what it is, but the love I have for you both is not the same." I tried to explain it all as well as I could as to not lead him on.

"Well what now? Is this over? Are you breaking up with me?" He accused, suddenly harsh.

"Wil, I don't know what I want right now. It might be best that we take a break. I don't want to lead you on if I end up deciding that Gerard is who I want to be with. I want this to be as painless as possible." I tried to break this to him as easily as I could, but he became a little hostile and irritated.

"You sound like you've already made up your damn mind! If you want him so bad then fucking go! Don't sit here and try to make me feel better." His raised voice made me uncomfortable. I'd never seen him this way. He was always passionate and kind of hardcore about things, but I'd rarely ever seen his anger directed at me.

"I told you I don't know what I want yet!" I raised my voice back, growing tired of the conversation. I had already explained this and he was just not focusing on reality.

"Fine then." He said, calming down a little. "Take the time you need, but I don't think I stay here while you try to figure it out." He got up to leave the room, but I stood to grab his arm before he could go.

"No. Don't go, okay? You pay for this place. I'm going to leave." I said, not really wanting to stay in a place funded by him.

"Where are you going to go? And what about Princeton?" He asked, sort of in a derogatory way.

"Given the circumstances, I'm sure my parents will let me stay with them for a while. And as for Princeton, I'll just switch to online classes for a while until I can come back to school. It'll be fine." I hadn't really thought it out before then but it sounded like a good idea.

"Oh? So you don't think your parents will mind you breaking up with me? To be with your ex-boyfriend that you dated in high school? You think they're going to be fine with that?" He was getting irritated again. "Do they even know about this guy?"

I let go of his arm, more pissed off than I had ever been at him. "No. They won't be okay with that and you damn well know it. And no, they only knew what I told them." I tried to forget the anger but it wasn't going away, it was just getting stronger.

"Oh, ashamed of dating a poor kid huh? Makes sense. Your parents would have hated the hell out of him anyway." He smirked. He knew he was getting to me and that's what he wanted. To make me feel worse than he did.

"That's not the reason I didn't tell them! I don't care if he has money!" I yelled, getting more pissed than before.

"Oh yeah?" He said, raising his voice a bit, only to piss me off. "Then what is it Lilian? What's the fucking secret?" He kept pushing for answers, but he didn't even really know that there were answers to be given. He must have just tried to get under my skin because his face when I blurted the next few sentences out his face went from snarky to "Oh shit."

"You want to know William?" I yelled, not caring if the neighbors heard (Though I was sure they wouldn't. Thick walls.) "I didn't tell them everything about him because he would have gone to jail! When I met Gerard he was my fucking art teacher! When my parents met him I told them he was 19 when he was actually fucking 24! So yes Wil, I dated a 24 year old teacher when I was 17! Fucking happy now?!" I stopped and breathed heavily, pissed at him for making me tell, pissed at myself for being stupid enough to let my anger control me enough to tell him.

"You what?" He asked, quiet. His voice was soft and his demeanor changed. He seemed shocked and suddenly very distant. "Do you realize how fucked up that is?"

"Yes! I do! Thank you." I said, sarcastically. "But you know what?" I said, calming down. He looked up at me, probably wonder what else I could possibly say after that. "I fucking loved him in ways that I didn't even know were real. He made me feel alive again, he made me feel like I had someone who cared, and really cared. He loved me too and I don't think anyone will ever replace that."

"If he cared so much then why did he dump your ass and skip town?" He asked, looking away from me, trying to get one more stab in before the conversation ended.

"He left to save our futures. His brother's girlfriend knew about us somehow. She only lacked proof. Once she got her proof, Gerard would have been fired, expelled form college, and put in prison. I would have gotten kicked out of school and never have been able to go to Princeton or any good school. He left to prevent a lot of bad things from happening, and I didn't understand that until I got a little older. But he came back Wil. And now there's nothing anyone can do if we want to be together because I'm of legal age to date whoever the hell I want. And if I want to date him, I fucking will." I glared at him, trying to make him leave. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have bags to pack." I turned my back to him and started packing my clothes and most valuable belongings into a few suitcases I had.

Wil got up to leave but stopped at the door frame, not even looking at me. "So I shouldn't expect you back?" He asked quietly, defeated.

"I don't think so Wil." I answered, just barely loud enough to be heard. He walked away, head hanging in disappointment. Of course I felt bad, but his pissy comments made it a little easier to be mad at him. He didn't have to be like that. I understand why he would, he was hurt, but hurting me back intentionally wasn't the best way to go. I did love him, but I knew I'd never love him the way I loved Gerard.