Letters to Nikolai

The second or third time we ever talked on the phone, we spent eight hours on the call. We didn't talk to each other the entire time, but it was still amazing to hear your breathing for eight hours. I could hear when you got up, when you started making yourself food, when you cleaned up, when you started flipping the pages of a book and then flipping through the channels on the tv. We didn't need to talk at all . It felt as if we were together, right next to each other, instead of having almost 2,000 miles (roughly 3,000 km) between us. I think both of us fell in love that day. You always used to ask me to sing to you after that day because somewhere in that eight hour span, I started cleaning the kitchen and I played music and I sang to it. That's what I always did, so I didn't think about changing my routine because we were on the phone. You really loved my singing.

Earlier today you had some free time and we talked on the phone and video chatted for almost four hours. It was amazing. It doesn't matter to me that for months now you've been hurting me. I am in love with you again, Nikki. I"m in love, but I'm so scared.