Crush, Crush

I was sitting alone outside under the patio littered with white fairy lights, watching through the window as Clarissa threw her head back in laughter at something one of her wedding guests had said to her. I was happy for her. Mikey and her had been dating for 10 years now, and had been engaged for 3 of those. His band kept him busy, and Clarissa could sometimes work a little too hard, herself. I was glad to see they'd finally tied the knot.

It felt strange to be back in Jersey after so long, though I guess I’d get used to it. I hadn’t told anyone yet but I’d decided to move back, and had even secured a job for my return. Finally, things were looking up. I’d missed home. I missed a lot of things I’d never get back – my mother’s gentle voice, my second home at the Ways’ house, and friends. Real friends. I guess I’d always had them on my side but when they were always so far away, it was hard to remember them in those times you needed a friend the most. Before tonight, I hadn’t seen Clarissa in a year. I’d only seen Mikey one night when he was passing through town with My Chemical Romance. He’d cried into my shoulder about his fear of being a terrible husband. I’d told him he’d do well by Clarissa, as he always had.

“I still can’t believe you started smoking, you know.” Clarissa came out to join me on the patio. I stubbed out the smoke I’d just lit, not wanting to stink out her wedding dress. She was absolutely gorgeous. I’d been feeling guilty being unable to help her with any of her wedding planning, but she seemed to have done such a good job all by herself. She smiled at me and I gave her a little hug. We sat there for a while and enjoyed the night.

“So are you and Mikey staying in Jersey when you’re done honeymooning?”

“Of course! I love it here. I really wish you’d visit us more often, but I understand.” It was hard enough getting the money together to pay the rent, let alone visit Clarissa. She hadn’t known I’d been saving to move. I hadn’t wanted her to be worrying about me at all. I hadn’t wanted any of them worrying. I’d tell them all soon enough, when I was certain there was no going back.

From the corner of my vision I saw a blur of bright red and I tried my hardest not to flinch. I couldn’t get used to it. It had been 10 years and so much had changed, and yet Gerard’s hair was the thing that was throwing me off the most. I’d watched him perform his best man’s speech earlier and missed most of it from wondering if they had to fight him to get him into a suit. I wondered a little about him over the years. We didn’t really talk about him anymore. I knew why Mikey and Clarissa avoided the topic and I remembered the hissy fits I used to throw when his name was bought up in conversation.

I was staring. I looked away, hoping Clarissa hadn’t noticed, to find that her gaze had been in the same direction.

“So when did he dye his hair red?” I asked. I needed to know. The corner of Clarissa’s mouth twitched into a smile.

“About a month ago. He said it was an important part of the creative process, and no one’s willing to argue with him about it. We tend to let him go.” Clarissa was staring at me now, carefully, seeming to be trying to figure me out. “So does this mean we’re allowed to talk about him? You’re over it? As much as I say he had his reasons I know you’ll never listen, and I’d like to say he’s changed from who he was…”

“… but?” She sighed.

“You see that blonde he’s talking to? She’s my cousin. He doesn’t know that. He’s hitting on her again. He was hitting on her at my engagement party and she told me some of the things he said. I’m not impressed. He’s such a slut sometimes.”

“Oh.”

“He’s so bloody immature. He needs to settle down.”

“Maybe he doesn’t want to. Nothing’s changed there, then…”

“Hey, I stand by thinking that if you hadn’t moved and you’d been there through the next few years, things would be so different. He went through hell, Alison. Absolute hell. Just like you.”

I didn’t like to think about my late teenage years. When I moved state I moved schools and like I’d always wished, I fell in with the wrong crowd. I took up smoking, and drinking, and I didn’t care whose bed I woke up in on Sunday morning. I was in a bad place and it took me a while to get out, particularly when no one dared blame me for it. No one batted an eyelid at my behaviour. Why, I’d just lost my mother, and moved away from my friends. I was allowed to act out. It had been almost expected of me. I ended up dropping out of school and moving out of my aunt’s place into a flat with terrible people. Clarissa had eventually pulled me from that whole situation. She’d got through to me. I believed she’d done the same thing for Gerard, but I never asked about it.

“I should go and circulate a bit. Don’t freeze out here, will you?” I shook my head gently and watched Clarissa’s dress trail after her as she walked off, disappearing into the crowd once she was back inside. My eyes found their way back over to Gerard as I absentmindedly began rolling another smoke, still wondering about that hair; still wondering about him, and wondering if he ever wondered about me. I didn’t let the thought linger all too long. It wasn’t that I was so afraid of myself, just… well maybe a little afraid. He hadn’t tried to keep in contact once I moved and I never managed to get him on the phone when I called. Once he moved out of home, he was as good as dead to me, I to him, too, I guess. It was an organic thing, looking back, but it still hurt like all shit at the time.