Echoes

Scarlett rushed out of her workshop. She looked both ways down the hall for any sign of where Tony had run off to in his haste. Something had scared him and she wanted to make sure that nothing serious had happened. There was a tug in her stomach that assured her that something was wrong with him and it wasn’t some kind of bathroom emergency or a phone call. If she had felt ill in an unfamiliar place and had to leave the room she would’ve gone toward the one place she was familiar with and that would be the stairwell. Tony hadn’t gotten the grand tour. There had been no real time for that before they’d had to run down to her workshop so that she could take her apparently pointless conference call with Nathan.

Sure enough when she got to the stairwell she found Tony Stark. He was seated on the steps with his head resting in his hands and seemingly struggling to catch his breath. His skin was seven shades paler than it had once been and layered in a thin veil of sweat. Elbows on his knees, Tony hung his head forward and was gripping at his hair, his knuckles white.

Tony heard the door open and knew that Scarlett had followed him at once. He wished more than anything that she hadn’t. There was no way he could let her see him in this state. Having someone with him in the room, particularly someone he had been trying to impress, was only going to make things worse. Not only could he not control how he was thinking or feeling, he couldn’t control what he said or did while he was in this state. Wishing over and over again that she would leave him alone and forget that this whole thing had happened, he somehow knew that his wishing was in vain. Scarlett approached him cautiously, taking slow and steady steps. It didn’t bother him at first but when she reached to touch his shoulder to comfort him, he lost it.

“Back the hell off!” He hissed, sounding out of breath and haggard. Much to his surprise she didn’t ask him what was wrong and didn’t question his sanity or even call him names! Instead she took a few steps back and made sure not to try and touch him again. “Leave me alone.”

“Stark…” Scarlett began cautiously, surely about to tell him that there was no way that he was going to be left alone. For someone who had barely met him that morning she sure was being pretty stubborn about this. Considering he’d had a near meltdown in her workshop and had stormed out of there for no reason and had possibly broken a few things on the way he had assumed she would be livid not concerned. That was if she was worried at all, Tony couldn’t tell and he couldn’t focus on her face long enough to get a proper read on her. She’d sounded worried if nothing else.

“I’m fine, leave me alone!” Tony picked his head up and snapped at her again in hopes he would make her angry enough to finally do as he requested.

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that.” Scarlett watched him sympathetically and shook her head to let him know in case he couldn’t hear her over whatever was happening in his head. Tony stared at her with his mouth hanging open in disbelief. She really wasn’t going to leave him alone? Couldn’t she see that he needed her to go away? There was no pity in her eyes as he had expected to find. Tony somehow knew that Scarlett didn’t see him as the pathetic creature he felt he had become. Finally he could focus enough to see that she was, in fact, very worried about something. Could it be about him?

Despite her insistence on staying, Scarlett turned on her heels. He thought he had seen her hold up her index finger to let him know that she would be a minute but he could’ve been mistaken. The world was still spinning even though it had managed to slow down drastically. She disappeared out the door which she closed gently to keep it from slamming. Why would she do that? Tony hung his head in his hands again and concentrated on his deep breaths. It was the only thing he could think to do. The worst thing at the moment seemed to be that his heart was pumping far too hard and fast, his head was swimming, and the ringing in his ears was driving him mad.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” He exhaled desperately. It had only been a video feed with Manhattan in the background! How could it have triggered something so incredibly violent and terrifying? Maybe something else had happened that he hadn’t noticed. Was Scarlett’s office being poisoned by someone? It could’ve been a powerful hallucinogen that was being pumped through her air vents! But then why wasn’t she affected? No, that sounded crazier than him having a panic attack. It was just a video. He had to keep reminding himself that Manhattan was still a good six hour drive away from where he was and an hour long flight. The more he tried to convince himself there was nothing to worry about the worse he felt about having worried at all.

His panic had been so intense that he’d lost feeling in his fingers for a few moments! All of that was caused by a damn video! A video of what was through someone’s window on Scarlett’s computer screen. There was nothing that could’ve happened in that video that would’ve directly affected him even if something had happened there. It was too far away. Why couldn’t he get himself under control? New York wasn’t a scary place, he’d grown up there! He knew Manhattan better than he knew Los Angeles and he’d been to Los Angeles more times in the last ten years than Manhattan. And yet somehow Tony couldn’t look at his former hometown without losing control of his senses.

Despair spread like a cancer throughout his stomach as he considered how broken he had to be in order for this to be damaging him so severely. He’d thought he had made progress by coming to Boston that afternoon but instead there he was practically fighting back tears in a stairwell like a moody teenager who hadn’t gotten their way.

How pathetic. How stupid.

The sound of the door clicking open made him jump and he instantly turned his attention to it, wide eyed as if waiting for the axe to drop. Scarlett walked back into the room, peering in carefully and looking apologetic that the door had made such a sharp noise. She’d obviously tried to keep him from jumping but there was only so much she could control. In her hands she held a glass of water which she had retrieved for him. How could she have known that his throat seemed to have swelled up and was completely dry?

“So this energy project,” Scarlett began, talking over Tony as he opened his mouth to tell her to leave him be until he’d calmed down. He was taken aback that she’d bring that up now. Suddenly she was interested in working with him? Tony shook his head in disbelief with his mouth hanging open stupidly. “It’s powered by your arc reactor, right? Or is it just powered by the element you discovered a year or so ago?” Tony still didn’t respond and instead stared at her, nearly forgetting to breathe. Cautiously she took a step closer to him still holding the glass of water in hand. “If you want me to consider working with you then I need to know more of the details about the project the press will hear about. I don’t want to sound like an idiot when I’m talking about it.”

“I…uh… what?” Tony blinked his eyes a few times and tried to think. His thoughts were fuzzy and hazy but he knew the answers to these questions. Even if they were hard to find he knew them. Of course he could answer the questions about his own technology, he just had to move his lips and get his brain to cooperate long enough to form a few sentences. Scarlett waited patiently in front of him. She wasn’t going to push him into talking if he wasn’t yet ready to but she hoped that she could get him to say at least something.

If nothing else she hoped that she could get him to breathe and drink some water.

“Element.” Tony finally managed to answer; at least he sort of managed an answer. “Not like the reactor in my chest.” Finally words were starting to make more sense and he was sounding less and less like a bumbling fool. “The energy will be created by the element and harnessed by the reactor. Like mine, but on a much bigger scale and less dangerous.” Tony nodded again and much to his surprise the world didn’t spin. He knew technology. It was a safe thing for him to talk about.

“That’s a pretty solid foundation for an idea. So you said there was some kind of problem with it. Tell me more about that.” Scarlett managed to make her way closer to him one step at a time. She leaned against the railing of the staircase and held onto the water carefully. When he was ready to let her close enough she would offer him the water but until then she was going to keep it close.

“Distribution. We currently use nuclear power, solar power, wind power, various methods of energy and it’s all transferred into amps and distributed by power lines throughout cities.” Tony explained even though he could tell that this was something Scarlett was already aware of. “This isn’t the same. New energy, new type of power. Too strong to simply plug in and let it go.” He still felt like Tarzan with the way he was talking. He couldn’t believe the voice coming out of him was, in fact, him. It scared him that he could find himself suddenly that far gone. But at least he could find words now! That was definitely some solid progress from the way he’d been losing his mind what seemed like only seconds ago.

“So the new current can’t translate to the old one?” Scarlett glanced over him as he spoke. While his speech was still incoherent and stuttered, it was still speech and that was progress from what it had been. Yes, he had told her to get lost but there had been no rhyme or reason as to why. She’d gotten him thinking and talking logically. When she was sure that his hands were no longer trembling, Scarlett took his right hand and urged the glass into it. Tony stared at it stupidly for a moment before realizing what it meant. When he didn’t go to take a drink from it, Scarlett urged his other hand around it so he wouldn’t drop it.

His gaze went from the cup to Scarlett who was looking at his hands and then back to the water. Why was she helping him? He expected to see some kind of worry or panic on her face but she was completely calm. If he didn’t know better he would’ve thought they were having an everyday normal conversation. What was this woman?

“That’s it.” Tony spoke but his mouth felt suddenly filled with cotton it was so dry. He took a long drink of the water at last. It was cool on his throat and instantly soothed the desert in his mouth. Greedily he drank until nearly half the glass had disappeared. “The difference in strength is so enormous that the results for testing have been catastrophic at times.” The gears seemed to be turning in Scarlett’s mind but she didn’t let him in on what she was thinking. Was she thinking about what had been going on in the stairwell or was she thinking about his energy problem? Tony wanted to know the answer but he also didn’t want to know.

“Catastrophic? Then the output on that reactor of yours must be far higher than I expected.” Scarlett turned the numbers over in her mind and seemingly answered Tony’s question at the same time. He took another drink and her eyes flitted toward the glass to see how much he’d finished.

“It is. Incredibly so, actually. Working off of palladium my reactor could’ve kept me alive for fifty lifetimes.” Tony felt his hands stop shaking as he held the water. Concentrating on keeping the liquid still seemed to help him find serenity. His breathing didn’t seem as impaired now that he could focus on something. Scarlett’s behavior had, at first, seemed disconcerting but now Tony thought she was smarter than he had expected which was surprising considering how much he already knew about her. “The new element? It’s at least a hundred times that.”

“Wow.” Scarlett sat next to him on the stairs now that he no longer seemed likely to shove her away from him. She made sure to keep her distance from him so he wouldn’t feel crowded but crouching had become uncomfortable.

“Tell me about it, I just lost half a building the other day. Thankfully it was a small building in a contained area on a large piece of land away from the ever-judging eye of the press but still it goes to show you how well the testing is going.” Tony brought the glass to his lips again and drained the remaining liquid inside of it. He felt refreshed.

But he also felt drained.

Whatever these attacks were they left him feeling as though he had just raced uphill for an hour. The panic wasn’t gripping him anymore. Even the image of Manhattan that still remained in his mind’s eye wasn’t causing him the same fear that it had only moments ago. Was that what had triggered it? Maybe it was the combination of being caught off guard and having been outside of his comfort zone for the first time in weeks. Either way, Tony was embarrassed that it had happened in front of Scarlett. Scarlett, however, didn’t seem at all bothered by what had happened. It was the first time that it had occurred to Tony that she must have ran out of her meeting to follow him. Why would she do that for him? The question repeated in his mind and he found no answers.

“So, Stark,” began Scarlett candidly, “how long have you been having panic attacks?” She’d made sure that he’d finished his water and that he seemed okay before asking. The last thing she wanted was to send him back into a fit. Tony stared at her with his mouth agape as he tried to figure out what to say. He hadn’t even come to terms with the fact that what he was experiencing was a panic attack! There Scarlett was, having seen him at it for a few minutes, and knew exactly what he was going through.

There was no way she was that smart.

For the first time in years Tony felt intimidated by someone else’s intellect. Or maybe it wasn’t her intellect but rather her insight that left him feeling so vulnerable. Looking back to the blue eyed woman Tony didn’t see any judgment in her eyes, only concern. Here was a woman he barely knew anything about and she was concerned for him. She didn’t pity him, she wasn’t upset with him, she was genuinely concerned. Even though only a half an hour earlier he had broken into her office forcibly and had scared the hell out of her she was being kind to him.

“I, uh…” Tony’s mouth felt dry again but not from panic. He was nervous to say out loud that the attacks had really become a problem. Admitting it outside of his head would make it very real. He could very easily tell her that it was none of her business. Tony was sure that she would back off immediately since they were practical strangers. It wasn’t her place to nose around in his business. Who knows what she would do with this information? But for some reason Tony knew that Scarlett wasn’t going to tell anyone else what she’d seen today no matter how he answered her question.

“You don’t have to tell me.” Scarlett smiled and nodded in understanding. “It’s a very personal question.” She looked straight ahead at the wall of the stairwell, expecting him to stay silent.

“Ever since I nearly died sending a nuke through a portal into the sky in Manhattan.” Tony spoke almost immediately after she turned her head away. He hadn’t expected to tell her the truth like that. Had he really been having panic attacks for that long? Maybe not attacks, per say, but that had been the root of his problems. The event with the Avengers had ultimately been what caused things to get to this point. “I know it sounds stupid. Some people don’t even believe it happened. But I saw it. I lived it.” Tony turned on the stairs to look back at Scarlett. She had turned her attention back to him but didn’t say anything.

“I got home to Stark Tower and I thought that I’d be okay. I’ve been through worse than that. I made the decision to fly up there. No one asked me to.” Tony continued. He couldn’t stop now that he’d started. Somehow everything that he’d pent up since he’d returned to Malibu was pouring past his lips. “But I started seeing it in my sleep. Armies I couldn’t dream of fighting. And while I was flying I couldn’t reach Pepper to tell her I loved her and I kept losing her in my dreams. I thought it was the city causing me nightmares.” Tony leaned his elbows on his knees and brushed his hands through his hair. “So I went back to the house I had in Malibu. I thought the change would clear my thoughts.”

“A change of scenery.” Scarlett interjected quietly.

“Exactly!” Tony smiled but it faded quickly. She wasn’t judging him. The way Scarlett was talking to him, she was listening to him. She understood. She really listened to him, every word that was coming out of his mouth. “But it didn’t help. I kept having these dreams and eventually it took a toll on me. I’m a problem solver, Scarlett, surely you understand that. So I would get up and when I couldn’t sleep I would work on armor to protect myself, to protect Pepper, to protect my friends. It wasn’t about the world anymore it was about the only people who matter to me. I saved the world more than once now. The world isn’t there to deal with the fallout. The world doesn’t see what it does to you. All they see are numbers. How much damage was done, how much it’ll cost to fix, how much time it’ll take to repair that damage.”

“You can’t expect them to.”

“I know that, I do.” Tony nodded his head to agree but continued. “But I… I couldn’t fix this. I can’t fix it. How am I supposed to fight something I can’t even see or understand?” He nervously clasped his hands together and exhaled deeply. If he panicked again while talking to Scarlett then he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself or likely show his face in front of her again. He thought about telling her about the nightmares and about the way that Pepper had shoved his fears aside. Would she do the same? Was he the one in the wrong? Maybe he was out of his mind to think that anyone should give a damn about the way he was suffering. He already felt stupid enough in his situation; he didn’t want to make it any worse.

“I ignored it and hoped it would go away. Pepper doesn’t get it, Happy doesn’t get it. I think I isolated myself without meaning to.” Tony tasted the words on his lips and winced. Had he? Hadn’t he tried to talk to Pepper? She’d pushed him away, not the other way around. Or maybe they both had. “It didn’t go away. It got worse. Going outside, running my company, it all seemed unimportant. Nothing’s the way it used to be. I don’t know how it ever could be.”

“It doesn’t have to be the same.” Scarlett nodded her head, surprised that he was saying so much. Maybe it was the first time he was talking about it.

There was no way that could be the case. Tony had so many people in his life, surely one of them was helping him.

“I know it can’t be. This is the first time I have been away from Malibu since then. I thought I was okay. I was feeling better and then I saw Manhattan behind your colleague or investor, whatever he was. Something snapped in my head so here we are.” Tony stopped. His mouth felt dry again but only because he’d spoken so quickly and said so much in such a short time. When he’d started talking he hadn’t been able to stop himself. It was the very definition of word vomit. Someone wanted to listen to him for the first time in what felt like forever. Yes, Rhodey had wanted to listen to him but Rhodey had pitied him from the moment he’d answered his call the other day.

“Distraction is your best friend.” Scarlett spoke after he waited expectantly. He had expected her to apologize for his suffering as most people did when they heard someone’s tragic tale. “I know you think working on your armor is a distraction but it’s not. You’re fixating on what’s causing your anxiety.”

“You really think that? Just from what I said?” Tony furrowed his brow.

“I do. Coming here, flying through my window, talking to me. You didn’t do that because of some fear, you did it in spite of it. That’s a real distraction. It’s not always that the distractions work, but they help calm you.”

“That’s why you asked me about the energy project.” Tony tried not to stare with his mouth hanging open anymore but he couldn’t help it. He’d thought she was crazy for bringing up work when he was hyperventilating but now he’d realized how brilliant an idea it had been. When he was thinking about the energy project he wasn’t thinking about what he’d seen and how he’d been panicking. How the hell did she know what to do to help him?

“Yeah, it is. I knew if you talked about something you were proficient in and passionate about you would have to stop thinking about whatever set you off.” Scarlett sighed. Whatever she’d done, it had worked. It was a relief.

“Brilliant.”

“I’ve been told I’m pretty clever at times.” Scarlett smiled and then furrowed her brow. He obviously hadn’t told her the whole story. It seemed to her like he was scared to admit it, as though she wouldn’t listen or wouldn’t understand. “You shouldn’t suffer in silence.” Tony snapped his gaze toward her and stared in confusion. Was it that obvious to her? Apparently so. “If no one knows then no one can understand. It may sound silly outside of your head but if you suffer in silence it will destroy you. It compounds the anxiety and only proves to exacerbate things.” She turned her gaze away from his brown eyes. They seemed to be searching her for more than she was willing to reveal. Her day had been dedicated to Tony Stark far more than she had expected it to be. “You’ll self destruct.”

“How do you know so much about this stuff?” Tony held out his hands, exasperated. Scarlett smiled but seemed reluctant to respond to him.

“I know what post traumatic stress disorder looks like, Tony.” Scarlett finally turned her gaze back to him. He seemed desperate to understand.

“No, I don’t have…” Tony immediately rejected the notion of suffering PTSD. That was for victims of war and who had experienced a significant trauma. Tony was not a victim.

Wasn’t he though? Hadn’t he experienced a significant trauma? He’d never thought of it like that before.

“You are. I’ve been there, Stark.” Scarlett thought about placing a hand on his back and comforting him but didn’t want to cross a line. She barely knew him. “PTSD is different for everyone but it’s ultimately stress created following a traumatic experience. We all hit our breaking point, no one’s immune. Not even the genius Tony Stark.” When Scarlett didn’t elaborate Tony sat next to her in silence. Could it really be true that he was suffering from PTSD? How could that be? Even when he’d come home from Afghanistan after the incident that had left him with the arc reactor in his chest he hadn’t been affected this terribly. Or had he been? Wasn’t becoming Iron Man a way of coping with it for him? In a way, it had been his cry for help and had also become his salvation.

“What I really wonder is what happened to you.” Tony folded his arms on his knees and turned his attention back to her again. “What could you have possibly gone through? You said you’re familiar with PTSD because you went through it. So what happened?” Much to his surprise Scarlett smiled after the intrusive question. He’d expected her to tell him it was none of his business or to get defensive. If she had ever asked him flat out what had happened he might have never told her. Scarlett had known how to maneuver around the hard questions and make him comfortable enough to want to tell her on his own. And of course she had done it like it was no big deal. When he’d told her she was brilliant she’d shrugged it off. It was possible that she actually cared but Tony was still waiting for the axe to drop.

“I’d have to kill you if I told you.” She obviously wasn’t prepared to talk about it with him and Tony couldn’t blame her. He let it go for the time being. Hell, he’d told her way more than he had ever intended to and he wasn’t sure yet if that was a good thing or a bad thing. The weight in his chest was supposed to lift after talking about a great heavy stress, right? It hadn’t. Instead the weight settled right into his stomach and made it churn.

“Still funny, even when talking about such a sensitive subject.” Tony smirked, offering up a laugh in response to her. Scarlett nodded her head but she hadn’t been joking. She probably wouldn’t have had to kill him if he had learned more about her history but there would’ve been consequences. There were perfectly good reasons for her to keep her past out of the limelight and so she would do her best to do just that for as long as she could. Tony clearly thought that she was joking and that her mysteries were part of her persona. At least he could find humor in the situation.

“Why don’t we go downtown and grab a drink?” Scarlett got up from where she sat on the stairs and wiped off her palms. Then she took the empty glass from Tony and offered him a hand to get to his feet. Pursing his lips, Tony stared at her hand and then back up at Scarlett. Her blue eyes were hiding secrets and he wanted to know what they were. But for now he wondered mostly if she was asking him out. Was he allowed to say yes? “You do still drink, right?”

“I do.” Tony took her hand and got to his feet. His legs were surprisingly tense but also wobbly. He was grateful for her help once he’d taken it even though only seconds ago he had been positive that he didn’t need it. Tony made a mental note to ask if panic attacks could cause the physical instability he felt. Even after talking to her he wasn’t completely convinced that was his problem. There were too many symptoms for this to be in his head! “I’m not a cheap date, just a fair warning.” Tony followed her out of the stairwell and back into the empty hallway. He guessed that no one came down this way very often.

“I know.” Scarlett smiled knowingly before walking back into her workshop. She set the glass down on the counter and left it for later. “You had a reputation about your drinking habits. I’m not a cheap date either.” Scarlett heaved a sigh and searched the room. The air felt clear again now that the situation with Tony had been addressed.

“I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression.” Tony wasn’t sure what he had meant when he’d said it, to be honest. He’d been trying to buy time before making a decision to go with her. On one hand he really wanted to go grab a drink with her and on the other hand he knew that he probably shouldn’t. But it seemed more important that he really wanted to. How long had it been since he’d done something he’d really wanted to do?

“I know you’re not single.” Scarlett pulled the ponytail out of her hair and shook it free. Now that she wasn’t going to work on anything it didn’t need to be up. She would have to get changed before going out in public again. “And I’m not the sex fiend that that the reporters make me out to be.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to dismiss that.” Tony would be very disappointed to find out that half the rumors he’d read about her in the last few days had been untrue. He had a very lovely image of her in his head when he’d read them and he would very much hate to lose it. Even if they weren’t true, he had firmly decided that she was as sexually capable as she was mentally.

“It’ll be a working lunch.” Scarlett sat on the table she had earlier used in her meeting and folded her arms over her chest as she faced Tony. “Mostly a lunch of scotch I’m hoping.” She smiled knowingly. “At least for me.”

“That sounds perfect.” Tony couldn’t deny that he wanted to go and he decided not to. Why would he? Scarlett was helping him and listening to him. For someone who had been threatening to have him thrown out of her building only an hour ago she was sure far more understanding than anyone else he seemed to come into contact with. Then again, she hadn’t really threatened to throw him out. For some reason, he’d thought that she would do that immediately after the incident in her office. Scarlett had agreed to hear him out from the get go, he’d only ever assumed that she would throw him out.

“I have to get changed before we go out. The paparazzi are incredibly judgmental.”

“Hopefully back into that little Dior number you had on.”

“It’s not Dior.” Scarlett rolled her eyes and got up from the table before patting his shoulder. “Why don’t you wait in the hall?”

“If I must.” Tony hung his head dramatically and then stepped out into the hallway. He’d expected many things when he’d flown into Boston that morning but what he’d gotten out of the trip thus far had not been any of those things. Refuge was turning out to be worthy of its namesake.