How Will You Fix Me Now?
Please Just Follow Me
(Josh's POV)
(Journal)
When you finally become numb and nobody know what to do, they distance themselves because they are terrified of what comes next. The screaming, the breakdowns, and the scariest part... The stare... The one everyone knows. The one that shows you are defeated by your inner demons. I was at that stage. I felt so powerless in my own life. There was nothing I or anyone else could do. I was spiraling out of control. So I thought about using drugs. Then I acted on the impulses of finding that rush again... That happiness, however fleeting it may be. So I experimented until I found the one that helped. It took forever to get to the point where I required this thing. Once it came to that point. It was a downward spiral that got worse and worse. Finally after losing control of everything...
Let’s start at the very begining. The point where I lost all control. The point where my body and brain decided to betray me. Where my inner demons finally took hold of me. I started with self harm. I felt that it released the pain I felt but that it was way too noticeable.
I started to hate my body more and more. I would fast for days, binge eat and then throw it all up. I guessed no one would notice... They did... So I put on a happy face and behaved normally.
I was still my worst enemy. I still hated the way I looked, the voices nagging me to be skinnier, that I wasn't good enough. For the longest time I almost hoped I'd get caught and one day, I got my wish. The guidance counsellor heard it and asked and I finally came clean.
So I guess this is the point where I fell into drugs... I played around with them until I found heroin. That’s what got me here, stuck writing this stupid journal, hating my life.
Don't get me wrong. I didn't have a horrible childhood; I have no reason to be depressed other than this science stuff...
Apparently the reason for it is that the hormones and stuff in my brain are unbalanced and crappy. Sucks right?
So I guess now everything’s different... I've almost finished my time in rehab... But I don't know if there's anyone out there for me. I left a big part of me behind that was everything to me.
Her name is Kailie. She’s perfect... She and I met at a support group for recovering anorexics. We were there for different reasons however. She a volunteer and I a recoveree... I don't even think that's a word... But meh.
She is freaking gorgeous. She has the greenest eyes you've ever dreamt of. That's my favourite part of her... Physically anyways.
Her hair is as black as ravens feathers, and her skin beautiful porcelain, soft and fragile.
We were together for about eight months when I guess I up and left with “I'm sorry but I'm leaving." I don't know what she'll say when I get back.
(Journal)
When you finally become numb and nobody know what to do, they distance themselves because they are terrified of what comes next. The screaming, the breakdowns, and the scariest part... The stare... The one everyone knows. The one that shows you are defeated by your inner demons. I was at that stage. I felt so powerless in my own life. There was nothing I or anyone else could do. I was spiraling out of control. So I thought about using drugs. Then I acted on the impulses of finding that rush again... That happiness, however fleeting it may be. So I experimented until I found the one that helped. It took forever to get to the point where I required this thing. Once it came to that point. It was a downward spiral that got worse and worse. Finally after losing control of everything...
Let’s start at the very begining. The point where I lost all control. The point where my body and brain decided to betray me. Where my inner demons finally took hold of me. I started with self harm. I felt that it released the pain I felt but that it was way too noticeable.
I started to hate my body more and more. I would fast for days, binge eat and then throw it all up. I guessed no one would notice... They did... So I put on a happy face and behaved normally.
I was still my worst enemy. I still hated the way I looked, the voices nagging me to be skinnier, that I wasn't good enough. For the longest time I almost hoped I'd get caught and one day, I got my wish. The guidance counsellor heard it and asked and I finally came clean.
So I guess this is the point where I fell into drugs... I played around with them until I found heroin. That’s what got me here, stuck writing this stupid journal, hating my life.
Don't get me wrong. I didn't have a horrible childhood; I have no reason to be depressed other than this science stuff...
Apparently the reason for it is that the hormones and stuff in my brain are unbalanced and crappy. Sucks right?
So I guess now everything’s different... I've almost finished my time in rehab... But I don't know if there's anyone out there for me. I left a big part of me behind that was everything to me.
Her name is Kailie. She’s perfect... She and I met at a support group for recovering anorexics. We were there for different reasons however. She a volunteer and I a recoveree... I don't even think that's a word... But meh.
She is freaking gorgeous. She has the greenest eyes you've ever dreamt of. That's my favourite part of her... Physically anyways.
Her hair is as black as ravens feathers, and her skin beautiful porcelain, soft and fragile.
We were together for about eight months when I guess I up and left with “I'm sorry but I'm leaving." I don't know what she'll say when I get back.
♠ ♠ ♠
Um. So I don't own Marianas Trench, though God I wish I did... Um, Kailie is loosely based off what I think porcelain would look like. Any lyrics belong to Marianas Trench unless I say so.