My Journal Surrounded by Darkness

I have been told by my therapist that I need to journal so here goes.
Today I woke up feeling like a loser, a failure, the same way I usually wake up. I hide it pretty well in group so I don’t think anybody really knows how I feel about myself. I’ve been in intensive therapy since September 2014, I should be getting better by now. I have made commitment dates to quit smoking and every one of those dates have come and gone with no change in my habit. I have been talking about losing weight for years and am still way too overweight. I am remembering things that I don’t want to remember and that weighs heavy on my mind. I talk about it in bits and pieces but I don’t go into detail. It hurts to much. How am I ever going to get well, I don’t see it coming anytime soon and it’s becoming overwhelming. I don’t want to live in unhappiness anymore. I just want to go ahead and die already. Why do I have to wake up everyday? I have no purpose or reason to live so why am I still here? I have faith in God but I think I’m one of his big jokes. I have faith that I’m going to be miserable until the day he decides to take me, I have faith that my bills will be paid, I will have food to eat and a roof over my head but I don’t understand why I have to be here. I’m not doing any good in this world so why keep me here. I just exist right now like I have for my entire life. Just exist. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m not destined for greatness, I’m just a blip on the radar and I’m not going anywhere. This isn’t just a setback today, it’s how I have been thinking for years. I was watching a preacher on tv the other day and he was saying that God didn’t put me here to just move along in life without affecting other people in a good way. He hasn’t met me, I think God forgot to give me a purpose. Last week I thought I wanted to write a book and inspire people, maybe do some motivational speaking. I can’t even motivate myself so what was I thinking. I’m a loser in life. That’s my destiny, my fate. I’ve done things wrong in my life, I’ve hurt people in my life so maybe that is why this is my fate, my destiny. To live in misery so that I can repent. I don’t know but I want it to end. I’m feeling like I want to die but I can’t do it myself. I ask God not to wake me up but being the jokester that he is I wake up everyday. I know that we are supposed to live until we fulfill our purpose but what if you don’t have one, do you just live until your body gives out? Why has God saved me from dying so many times. Why does it matter to him if I’m here or not. I know that we go through things in life to prepare us to find our purpose and fulfill it but damn I’m 50 and I am still going through shit. When is it ever going to end. Do I really need to be the one to end it? I have no purpose, I don’t help anyone. I need the help and I can’t seem to help myself. People in my group therapy tell me that I inspire them and that I have a lot of wisdom that helps them realize things about their lives, helps them figure things out. Why can’t I help myself? Why can’t I figure things out and get well? I feel like this is me and I’m never going to change. I’m going to be depressed for the rest of my life. I believe everything happens for a reason but what’s the reason for all of the things that have happened to me? None of those things have helped me become a better me. I’m good to other people but why can’t I be good to myself? Why can’t I love myself? Why do I hate myself so much? Why don’t I see what other people say they see? Maybe it’s because they don’t really know me or maybe I don’t really know me. I don’t know, I just know I don’t want to live anymore. I’m tired! I’m told it takes time to change the way you think about yourself but I don’t have the time. I’m an alcoholic and I haven’t had an episode of a lengthy drunk in almost 8 years but I feel one coming. I just want to go to the store, get some Southern Comfort and drink so I don’t feel anything. I want to go to New Orleans and go back to smoking crack so I can feel better. Lately I smell it everywhere I go. I know that won’t solve my problems but it would make it a hell of a lot easier to deal with them. I’m tired of feeling lonely, I’ve been lonely since I was 12 and my grandfather died. If I drink and smoke I won’t be so lonely or at least I won’t realize I am anyway. I just want to die. I was never the same after he died and I don’t think I will ever get over it. I’ve felt scared and alone ever since. The only thing that makes me feel any different is the high I get from smoking and drinking. I really want a drink right now but I don’t have any money to go get it. I’ve been drinking and smoking weed on and off (mostly on) since I was 10. How do you change that mindset? It’s my go to when I don’t want to think anymore, when I don’t want to feel anymore. If I just had 10 bucks I could go get a bottle and feel better. I don’t have it. Is that God’s way of protecting me right now or another one of his jokes. I don’t really know at this point I just know I want it. Why can’t I just be normal and happy like other people? Why can’t I have a nice little family who loves me instead of the one that want’s nothing to do with me. What did I do that was so bad it can’t be forgiven by them? I say I don’t need them but that’s just a front. I do need them, I do need their love. I want their love. Not really from my family but from someone. I want someone to love me. Anyone. I know they say if you can’t love yourself how can you love someone else but if you don’t have anyone in your life that loves you how can you love yourself. They don’t love me because I am worthless, I never do anything right, I can’t do anything right, I don’t know why. I’ve never even had a relationship work out. I just recently ended a 10 year relationship because it wasn’t working out. We were going in 2 different directions at the same time. We wanted 2 different things out of life. Will I ever find someone to just love me for me? But who am I? How could they know and love me if I don’t know and love me? I feel like I need to take control of my life but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m going to be miserable for the rest of my life if I don’t figure it out soon. I feel like I’m losing the battle again and I don’t want to lose this time. I surrender, I want the help. I want the happiness. The best me I can be. But I feel like I’m never going to get that, like I’m going to be depressed for the rest of my life. I still don’t understand why I’m still here, what my purpose is. I’m really just taking up space that someone better could take up. I have nothing to give this world, nothing to contribute. Please just take me tonight, don’t let me wake up tomorrow. Please. I ask this of God often but he doesn’t listen. Maybe he feels like I needed to have a life of suffering for something I did in another life but enough is enough! I’m so done! There isn’t even anyone that would miss me. I would just be gone so I don’t understand why I have to be here. I wouldn’t be missed, maybe for a week, a month, a year but then I would be forgotten so what’s the point of going on. I hate life! I’m miserable and I just want to die already.