The Moment I Said It

“[…] You told me that there would be no love between us.”

Before I slipped out of our embrace, he took my hand and looked up at me, sadly.

“Not anymore.”

I could still hear Tom saying these two words over and over again in my head, and I still didn’t get it. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt.

No, it’s not your fault!

Was it true? Was I really not to blame, but him alone?

He was the one who told you not to feel anything towards you but platonic love, and all you did was listening to it. You got over it; he is the one behaving like a jerk.

It made me sick – so sick that I had to sit down on the edge of my bathtub and rub my forehead in soothing circles.

Oh god…

I buried my face into my hands, breathing heavily.

***

The following weeks were hell.

My mood switched several times; from happy and content to utterly pissed and disappointed.

He had told me once that he couldn’t love me in any other way but a friendship’s. If he was hurt now, why did I feel the pain then?

Christopher and I had stopped seeing each other after the—let’s call it the incident, for he told me he could see that I would never look at him the way I did at Tom.

Of course, I freaked out. As I told you before, dear reader, my mood wasn’t the best.

I let him know that I knew Tom for a long time and this would be something different, something that actually could never happen. I told him that once a while ago, I had had feelings for Tom, and that he had made it clear that we wouldn’t come together since he only felt platonic love for me.

He had grasped my wrists then, looked me deeply in the eye and asked me to admit that I would never feel for Tom the way I felt for him.

I would be lying if I said I had not told Christopher that it would be impossible for me to not feel a thing for Tom.

Christopher ended things quickly then, telling me it would be for my own good.

I hated him.

I hated them both.

And yet…

Was I really telling the truth when I had told him there wasn’t a thing between Tom and me? Had Christopher been right and it was already more than a friendship?

Now that I think back of it, I know it had been kind of my own fault, too, but I had never really realized it before. I hadn’t been aware that it would cause me as much trouble as it did. I just couldn’t understand why it had ended up like this, why I’d thought things would go back to being the same between Tom and me. I often asked myself why I couldn’t have seen the signs earlier.

How could I not have told Christopher about me and Tom before? Why did Tom have to bring this up when I thought it all to be forgotten?

It became so much – too much – that it made me sick in the stomach. I locked my doors, closed my windows, lowered all blinds and curled up on my bed, ignoring everyone and everything around me.

Right there, in the darkness of my bedroom, I swore to myself – crying – that I would neverlet anyone get into my life, or into my heart.

***

My life changed a lot that summer.

I decided that I did not only have to move on, but move out of this shithole, as well.

I had yet to grow.

I had yet to become an adult.

I threw my clothes and books into a bag, gathered all the things that I had kept in my shitty apartment, and ran. My parents were quite surprised, as was my beloved sister, but I couldn’t live there anymore.

Christopher texted me one last time, wishing me luck and hoping I would be able to find a new place to become happy – honestly, I could have puked. This ass of a boyfriend was the last thing I needed. I didn’t even know why I had kept his number, but I decided to finally erase it.

I had to move on.

Thus, I left London – with a heavy, broken, and aching heart.

I never saw Tom again.

Not until the seventh of June, ten years later.