Fog

It was now December.
The air grew even colder, however we still managed to have hazy mornings on random days.

Today, Michael had locked himself in our bedroom.

I could only sit outside by the door, painfully listening to him groan and curse in frustration while he was throwing and hitting various objects while I was silently praying that he doesn’t hurt himself in anyway – there was a sound of glass shattering earlier.

There’s still nothing we can do to fix this.

The short term memory loss wasn’t bad – he has always forgotten things that I’ve said to him ten minutes ago or misplaced things that he recently had; I was used to it.

I will never get used to him forgetting my name or forgetting that we are going to get married—

…

Were. We were going to get married.

I didn’t stop the tears from falling at the thought.

Why did this have to happen?
Why now? Why us?

“Tyler…?”

A rough, tired voice sounded from the door, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“T-That’s your name, right? I’m not going crazy, am I?”

I wiped my tears away, only to have more of them fall.

“No, Michael. You’re not going crazy.”

A moment of silence, shortly broken by the sound of movement.
The door didn’t open, though.

“Tyler? Are you still there?”
“…I’m still here.”

“Did I tell you that I loved you today?”

I didn’t respond.

Does it even matter anymore?

“I’m a horrible fiancé. I understand that. I mean, what kind of fiancé forgets his own lover’s name? But, no matter what is happening with me, I want you to understand that I still love you. I love you so much and I always will. If I ever forget to tell you that even once a day, please don’t hesitate to tell me, okay? I mean, we are getting married, right?”

The tears wouldn’t stop.
I couldn’t stop the heart-wrenching sobs from leaving my mouth.

The door opened, and I was instantly pulled into his arms.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry. I love you so much, okay? I’m serious: remind me to tell you that, okay?”
“I-I love you too, Micah…”

Of course it matters.
Knowing that he still loves me will probably the only thing I’ll have left.

And the fear of losing that as well just makes matters worse.

| . | . | . |

Three weeks have passed.

The ground was covered in snow while the surrounding houses were decorated with lights, variations of Santa Claus and snowmen, and Nativity scenes.

I found myself singing along to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” as Michael helped me decorate the Christmas tree with popcorn and candy canes – we had to make some sort of effort since Christmas was tomorrow.

Today was a relief from all of the bullshit Michael had to deal with since he was diagnosed.

He seemed happy.
So far, he didn’t forget anything nor did he have any trouble with his emotions or his attention and focus.

It’s almost as if everything was normal again.

But that’s too good to be true, right?

I looked down from the ladder to catch him staring at me.

“What?”
“Just admiring how perfect you are.”

The blood quickly rushed to my cheeks and I was at a loss of words for a moment.

“S-Shut up and hand me a candy cane…”
A small laugh from him as he did so.

“I can’t believe I’m going to be married to you.”

It was quiet, as he said it to himself, but I still overheard him.
It was full of amazement, but also with adoration and so much happiness.

I bit down on my lip as I held back tears.

He doesn’t know.
He doesn’t know and it’s all my fault.

How could I let him think that there’s nothing seriously wrong with him?!
How could I let him believe that he still has a life after next month?!

“Tyler? Are you okay…?”
“I-I’m fine! Everything is fine!”
“Come down from the ladder, please.”

I did so and he didn’t hesitate to pull me into his arms.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”
“Yeah…”

No.

“Then what is bothering you?”
“Nothing.”

Everything.

“Did…Did I rush this?”
I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.

“I mean…Did I rush our relationship? Did I ask you to marry me when you weren’t ready? Is that what’s wrong?”

My eyes widened in shock as I shook my head.

“No…Dear God no! That’s not it at all, Michael…!”

It’s my fault for making him think that.

I rested my head against his chest as I played with the bottom of his shirt.

“I’m glad that you asked me to marry you…! I want to be your husband.”

The problem is that I won’t get to be your husband.

“That’s a relief. To be honest, I’ve been worrying about that for about a month now. But…I guess I don’t have to worry anymore?”
“No, you don’t. I love you , Michael. I really do.”

A small sigh of happiness.

In the distance, I heard my phone ringing over the loud music.

“Who is it at this time of night?” – It was 10:30.
I pulled away from him and rushed to answer it.

“H-Hello?”
“Hello, Mr. Carter? It’s Dr. Nguyen. I know it’s late but I’m calling to schedule another appointment regarding Michael’s condition. Are you available now?”

My heart skipped a beat, hoping that this appointment would be a step into helping him, but also worrying that it could mean something worse has happened.

“Y-Yes! Of course! Let me just tell him so we can be on our way. See you soon!”

I hung up and ran back into the room – he was placing the last couple of candy canes onto the tree.

“Who was that?”
“Dr. Nguyen. She wants to do a check-up on you.”
“…Is everything okay?”

I faked a smile.

“Y-Yeah. It’s just a follow-up to see how you were doing.”
He didn’t question my lie, but I wish he would have done so.

Maybe it would have been easier to tell him the truth.

And so we got into the car and drove to the hospital, mostly in an unnerving silence that was finally broken by Dr. Nguyen when we walked into the examination room.

She finished the tests and left the room for fifteen minutes before coming back.
But I still had hope that things would turn out for the better.

“I’m sad to inform you that your condition has worsened, Michael.”

Maybe we shouldn’t have come to the hospital.
And maybe I shouldn’t have answered my phone.

And maybe I should have told Michael the fucking truth in the first place.

“Worsened? What has worsened? What is going on?!”
I stood there, frozen as Dr. Nguyen gave both of us a sympathetic look.

“I’m sorry. I thought you knew—”
“Knew what?! What the fuck is going on with me?!”

She sighed.

“There is no known name for your illness. The closest diagnosis we could conclude was a complex form of Dementia. You’ve shown some of the symptoms from what Tyler has told me: loss of memory, lack of focus, bipolar emotions. Eventually…”

His eyes widened.

“Eventually what?! What is going to happen?!”
“Your mind will end and remain in a fog, permanently.”

He was at a loss of words, and it hurt immensely to see the pain in his eyes.

But the guilt weighed down on me the most.

“As I said earlier, I’ve called you two in to inform you that his condition has worsened. It’s no longer a fog. It’ll end in failure of the brain to function all together, and he has until January 20th until…”
She ended her sentence there.

He…He’s going to…?

“Michael, I—!”
“No. Stop.”

He glared at me with tears in his eyes.

“You knew about this! You fucking knew about this and you didn’t tell me! No, in fact you lied to me and told me that I was fine! You fucking lied to me and…!”

His hands shook rapidly.

“M-Michael…I’m sorry…!”
I reached my hand towards him.

“I’m so sorry—!”
“Don’t you fucking touch me!”

He slapped my hand away, not hesitating to stand up and grab me by the collar of my sweater, pushing me up against the wall.

“Michael, please calm down!”
Dr. Nguyen yelled, but he didn’t let go.

“Don’t tell me to calm down!”
His grip grew tighter.

“Why did you do it?! Why did you lie to me, Tyler?!”

I couldn’t answer him.
I just stared up at him in fear with tears pouring from my eyes.

He shook me, causing me to hit my head against the wall.

“Answer me!”
“Michael! That’s enough!”

Dr. Nguyen had a syringe in her hand as she glared at him.

He glanced at her slightly, but returned his glare back to me.
He let go of me before he rushed out of the room.

Dr. Nguyen didn’t hesitate to rush to my side.

I didn’t call out to him.
I didn’t try to stop him.

I only fell to the ground in shock.

“A-Are you okay?”
I swallowed thickly before letting out a shaky breath.

“…I-It’s my fault. I deserved it.”

An hour had passed.

She examined my head – there was a small gash from where it hit the wall – and stayed to comfort me until I pulled myself together.

“I have to go find him…”
“Are you going to be okay?”

I stood up from the bed.

“He’s mad at me and he has every right to be, but he wouldn’t hurt me.”
I quickly explained that the head injury was an accident before she could question my statement.

“You said his condition has worsened, right? That’s all the more reason to find him and make sure that he’s okay.”

I grabbed my coat and pulled it on.

“Thank you for your help.”
She nodded and I rushed out the door.

I tried calling his phone.
No answer.

I continued down the road, asking anyone if they’ve seen him.
All of them said no.

I called again – there was an answer, a loud crash with music and cheering, and then silence because the phone hung up.

My heart sunk into my stomach.

He was at a bar.

I ran to the nearest ones, bursting through the doors and asking anyone who was sober enough if they’ve seen him.

After the third one: “Yeah…A tall guy with plugs in his ears? Man, he was pretty pissed about something. Sat down and drunk three beers before leaving heading right about…fifteen minutes ago. You might still be able to catch him if you try.”

I thanked him and rushed back out, running breathlessly down the sidewalk.

I have to find him!
This is all my fault!

I have to find him!

I continued running, but I still saw no sign of him.

The bridge was in sight, and I started to panic even more.

He couldn’t have left the town on foot, could he?!

I continued to walk towards it, noting how empty it was.

Of course.
Normal people would be at home or with family since it’s Christmas Eve.

But it wasn’t completely empty.
There was a figure, standing near the railing – no, outside of the railing.

That’s really dangerous, isn’t it?!

I ran towards the person and when I was close enough, I wanted to scream.
But my lungs ached for oxygen.

I wished my earlier thought was right.

Anything would have been better that seeing that the person was Michael, standing on the edge of the bridge.

“M-Michael…!”
I struggled to breathe, but I did my best.

My chest ached.
My legs wanted to give in.

But I had to do something!

I took in a deep breath and—

“MICHAEL!”

He turned his head to look at me and scoffed.

“Look who found me? Here to see me off, Tyler?”

No. No no no!
He can’t!

My legs finally gave in, but I didn’t take my eyes off of him.

“What…the fuck…are you doing?!”
“What does it look like I’m doing…?”

“Michael…! Please! Get back behind the railing!”
“Why should I?!”

He managed to turn and face me without falling.

“Why shouldn’t I jump, Tyler?! In a month, I’m just going to be a brain-dead corpse wasting away in a hospital bed. Why shouldn’t I end it now?!”

“Michael, please! You’re drunk! You’re not thinking straight!”
Tears poured down my cheeks as my heart raced inside my chest.

“I’m thinking perfectly! This is how I’ve been for the past two months anyway, right?! Why the fuck did you lie to me, Tyler?!”

There was a small sob after his statement.

“Why did you lie…? Aren’t you my fiancé…? W-Why would you lie to me about something like this…?”

“I…I didn’t want to think about it…! I didn’t want you to think about it! You were so happy when you proposed to me and I said yes…who am I to ruin that?”

I wiped the tears away, only to have more fall.

“I thought that if I tried to ignore it, I could believe that I still had a whole lifetime with you! I’m…I’m afraid to lose you Michael. But even with the time that we have left, I want to spend the rest of it with you. I don’t want to lose you so soon. Not like this…! I love you so much…! You can’t just die like this!”

I dropped my gaze to the ground, struggling to move and take another breath.

“P-Please, Michael…! I’m sorry…! I’m so fucking sorry, and maybe I don’t even deserve to be your fiancé after this…! I’m sorry!”

There was the sound of movement, and soon there were hands placed onto my shoulders.

I looked up to see him kneeling in front of me.

“That was really irrational of me. I’m sorry for scaring you like that…”
I didn’t hesitate to wrap my arms around him, burying my face in his chest as I continued to cry.

“All of this is my fault, Michael…If I hadn’t lied, then maybe…”
“Let’s just go home…We can talk about this in the morning…”

We did so, keeping a space between us and not daring to say another thing to each other.

“Tyler…?”
“Y-Yeah…”

This is what’s going to break us, isn’t it?

“…Did I tell you that I loved you today?”
I bit down on my lip.

“…No. You didn’t actually…”

A moment of silence before he stood in front of me to stop me from walking.

“Didn’t I tell you to tell me immediately if I ever forgot…?!”

I didn’t answer as I looked away from him.

That didn’t stop him from grabbing my face and pressing his lips against mine.

“No matter how mad I am at you…I still love you.”
I was at a loss of words as he grabbed a hold my hand.

We continued walking without saying another word.

This is no longer the beginning.