Untitled

I ran offstage, sweat pouring off my body. I could tell my makeup was smudged, but I didn’t care. The audience were here to look at our band, not at my appearance. Damian, our rhythm guitarist, was shouting and clapping backstage as I entered our bands personal area. The growl of the crowd had slowly quietened down to a steady hum in the background.

“Oh my god! That was awesome!” Damian yelled, still not accustomed to the volume difference. He had given his guitar to a tech on the way down here.

Lucas still had his bass as he jumped up and down, pumped from our performance.

“Hey Lucas, did you trip during the show?” Damian laughed.

Lucas grinned. “I thought nobody noticed! I recovered pretty well.”

“I nearly didn’t catch it, but it was during one of the verses you had a bit of a solo. I heard something wrong and then I saw you on the floor.”

“Hurt my fucking ass quite badly!” Lucas whined, taking his bass off and lovingly setting it into his case.

Benji, our drummer saw me enter. “Beth! You did so well!”

“Thanks.” I managed to croak, my voice nearly cracking.

“You okay?” Damian asked.

I smiled reassuringly. “I just need to warm down my voice. Give me ten?”

They all nodded and continued to gush about the show. I made my way to a smaller room where I was alone, giving me time to warm down. I opened up my
Makeup case that stood in front of the huge mirror before starting to tidy up my makeup. I didn’t take it all off, my nights usually run very late with the lifestyle I had. When I was finished with that I changed into some black jeans with a red and black striped singlet. I ran my fingers through my black hair, trying to decide whether to dye it another colour from my usual black. I heard a knock on my door as I stood there trying to come to a decision.

“Come in!”

A blonde woman stuck her head around the door. “Hey bitch.”

“Slut!” I shot back.

“Whore.”

“Hoe.”

“...Goddamnit! I can’t think of any more!”

I laughed loudly, my voice finally starting to become normal. “Hey Kate.”

Kate had been my best friend through high school, and when we finally started up the band I had appointed her our manager. She had been with us ever since.

“That was a fucking kick-ass show! You hit all your notes!”

“Thanks a bunch, I felt like my voice was going to give out.”

“Never noticed.” She reassured.

“I just need to warm down for a little while.”

“In other words, ‘Kate piss off?’”

“That would be right.”

“Hang on,” Kate gasped, as if you she had finally realized something. “You’ll never guess who’s here.”

“Do I really have to guess?” I whined.

“No, you suck at it.”

“I don’t suck!” I protested, “I just can’t be fucked.”

Kate rolled her eyes. “Anyways, I was organizing your radio interview with some reps when this guy appears. He was kinda standing in the background, but I finally realized who he was!”

There was a small silence. “I thought you said I wouldn’t have to guess.”

“You’re no fun. It was Mr. Byron!”

“Holy shit you’re kidding!” I laughed.

Mr. Byron had been my English teacher in high school. Probably one of my favourite teachers there too.

“I told him you would see him?” She said, making it sound like a hopeful question.

“Of course!”

“Good, because he’s backstage right now.” She confessed.

I glared at her for a moment before laughing. “Can you give me some time to get ready at least?”

Her lips curved into a smile. “Sure. Come out when you’re ready.”

“Thanks.”

She closed the door on her way out as I continued to do my vocal exercises. I thought back at my time in class with Mr. Byron. I was always the quiet one, never really wanting to get involved. He was the most energetic teacher in the school, and never judged or treated anyone differently because of their popularity status. He saw my potential and pushed me, eventually making me one of his top students. I couldn’t help but wonder if he ever knew what he did for me.
Suddenly Damian barged into the room, interrupting my thoughts.

“Holy shit! Guess who’s here!” He laughed.

“Hmm... I wonder. Mr. Bryon?”

His eyebrow shot up almost instantly. “Kate told you?” He asked.

I nodded before looking at myself in the mirror a final time. I wasn’t making myself up for him, but I didn’t want to go out there in my sweaty stage clothes and makeup running down my face.

“For a moment there I thought you had telepathy.”

“No. I’m just amazing.”

“That you are.” He agreed.

“Okay, I’m ready.” I sighed happily as I turned to him.

He grinned. “All dressed up?”

I smacked him. “No, just not a sweaty mess.”

“Sounds like an orgy.”

“Out!” I laughed, pushing him out the door before following.

“You know you love me.” He shouted.

“Murder, the ultimate crime of passion!” I shot back, going to the bands personal room.

Damian went the other way to finally take I shower I knew he needed. I hated not showering after a performance, I felt grimy and disgusting. Suddenly I heard a commotion before I even entered the room where everyone was hanging out.

“...and he fell on his ass because of it!”

“Hey! That wire was loose, my foot got stuck. What else could I have done?”

“Looked where you were going?”

“Fuck off Benji. It’s not my fault I have crappy balance!”

I heard laughter drift out of the room. I chose this slight break in the conversation to make my entrance. As soon as I stepped into the room it was just like I had never been away from Mr Byron. His hair still sat in a scruffy mess on top of his head, like bed hair. The same piercing brown eyes held the familiar intensity. And the wisdom on his face had not faded, despite his young age. His casual jeans and white shirt were exactely what I might’ve expected in his class at school. He stood in the centre of the room, joking with Benji and Lucas as they talked about the show.

Lucas saw me enter. “Oh, Beth has arrived.” He announce, a grin breaking across his face.

Mr. Byron saw me and smiled, putting out his hand for a formal handshake. “Nice to see you again.”

I ignored his hand and held out my arms. “We aren’t exactely strangers, and I promise I won’t sue you for sexual harassment.”

He laughed and stepped forward, embracing me. Although he was taller than me, it was nice being able to be so comfortable around him.

“Shit, Tallulah is going to be pissed.” Lucas suddenly cried out.

“Why?” I asked, stepping away from Mr. Bryon.

“Because she has her boyfriend on a tight leash, isn’t that right Lucas?” Benji explained, punching Lucas’s shoulder.

“I have to go meet with her, I promised I’d see her straight after the show! Oh, and fuck you Benji.” Lucas managed to get out before dashing out the room.

“Well...” Benji began, “I’m sure you two have loads to talk about, I need to go talk to some people.”

“Okay Benji, see you later.” Mr. Byron said warmly.

“Nice catching up B-dog.” Benji chuckled as he swiftly exited the room.

“Well I have to hand it to you.” I sighed.

“What?” Mr. Byron said, face scrunched up in confusement.

“You sure know how to clear a room Mr. Byron.”

“Jesus, we’re not in school. Call me Dan.”

“Okay, only if you can call me Beth.”

He smiled.

“Deal.”

I sat down on the plush red couch that sat against the wall and motioned for Mr. Byron - I mean Dan – to do the same.

“So, it’s been a while.” I started.

“It sure has, though I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again after you left school. Now here I am.”

“Did you manage to see the show?”

Dan nodded. “It was very energetic. You have some great stamina, you’re singing is so powerful.”

“Thank you.” I blushed; flattered the compliment had come from someone so deeply rooted in my past.

“I can’t believe that you’re famous now. I mean, it’s not that I didn’t believe in you, but just how quickly fame came on.”

“I know right? It’s like I can’t even walk down the street without having at least one person recognize me. I miss the normal things.”

“But you get so much more in return.”

I tilted my head in a yes/no gesture. “I can reach out to millions, yet I’ve lost so much normality in my life.”

“You don’t like it?” Dan asked, sounding surprised.

“I guess when it comes down to it, feeling the crowd and music on the stage is more than what I’ve ever wanted.”

“It must be overwhelming sometimes.”

“Of course, I’ve had a show that I had to immediately go to hospital after.”

“Why?”

“Exhaustion and dehydration.” I confessed sheepishly.

“Oh damn, that sucks.”

“Tell me about it!” I laughed.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I never figured you to be religious.” Dan said cautiously.

“Religious?”

“That bit at the end of one of your songs... You know? ‘Father protect me, embrace me...’”

“...Love me and I will never leave you.” I finished for him.

Dan nodded, eyes burning with curiosity.

“I’m not religious.” I stated.

A look of confusement crossed his face. “The guys?”

I shook my head. “No, none of us are religious.”

“Then what was that part about?”

I sighed, my mind skipping over memories I was not proud of. I subconsciously found myself avoiding eye contact with Dan.

“It’s a long story.” I murmured, “And it isn’t pretty.”

“I’m up for listening, but only if you’re up to telling me.”

I smiled, hearing the teacher in him. “It’s best you know the truth. The only thing I ask of you is not to spread this. I really don’t need this getting out.”

He nodded loyally, eyes filled with concern.

“In your class, remember the first couple weeks?”

“Yes...” He carefully said.

“How was my academic performance?”

He winced slightly. “You were failing. You’re essays were filled with incoherent statements. Your speeches were horrible, you were giggling all the way through.”

I nodded. “Yes. That was because I couldn’t remember what you had taught me. It wasn’t just English, I was failing a lot of subjects.”

I looked up to see his face scrunched up in severe concentration. “It happened a couple weeks before I came into your class. I was at a party when one of my close friends saw me stressing about my family. My brother was being kicked out, and she suggested that she could take my mind off things.”

I closed my eyes, hoping that I could keep it together.

“To say I had an alcohol addiction isn’t the right wording. Addiction implies that you enjoy it so much you want more. I had... an alcohol dependence. It wasn’t an enjoyment; it was a need, a part of me. It still is, it’s something I’m going to have to carry with me for the rest of my life.”

The blurred nights... or nights that I couldn’t recall at all... Days even. But I wouldn’t tell him about the time I was nearly raped. No, I decided to keep that disgusting memory to myself.

“At school?” Dan asked.

I nodded, head shamefully hung.

“How? How could nobody notice?”

A grim smile appeared on my lips. “I’m a good actor. I have to be.”

“An actor? Why?”

“Do you really think I get up every day pumped to do interviews? Sometimes I want to shout to the world to leave me the fuck alone. But I have to act like I love it every single day or else I’m labelled as arrogant or ungrateful.”

I could see him about to protest but I stopped him. “It’s the audience’s way looking in, they don’t understand.”

“They knew didn’t they?”

I cocked my head. “Who?”

“The band.”

I nodded. “Remember when I had to sit out one of my exams because I had official leave?”

“Italy cultural trip wasn’t it?”

“No. More like rehab. One night I got so wasted that the cops had to come out, I was arrested but they let me off with a very stern warning. The next day my family planned an intervention with anybody who knew about my dependency. I thank them every day for what they did; otherwise I would probably be dead.”

“So you went to a rehabilitation centre?”

“No. I convinced my friends and family to give me one try on my own. I needed to prove to myself that the alcohol wasn’t my whole life, that I could beat it on my own. I moved in with the guys who were flatting the next day and spent an entire week in detox.” I thought about the band with a loving expression. “They were there for the vomiting, the shaking, the crying, the tantrums and the shouting. They stood by me.”

“I always wondered why you were so close.”

I looked at him questioningly.

“It’s just that besides music, I never knew what bound you together. I guess it was more than I knew.”

I took a moment to let my mind flip over the events that followed. Suddenly one thought rose up that I hadn’t remembered in a long time.

“You know what the funny thing is?” I asked, almost like a rhetorical question.

“There’s a funny thing?” Dan joked.

I smiled briefly. “I almost told you.”

“About the alcohol?”

I nodded. “After school, in the library-“

“You were sitting by yourself.” Dan finished, wincing at the thought. “Crying, wet streaks pouring down your face. Nobody had seen you because you had sat there silently for god knows how long. Not moving, not saying a word.”

“Do you remember what you did?”

“Of course. I sat down next to you and told you that you could tell me anything. But you just bolted.”

A small smirk played on the edge of my lips. “I looked into your eyes and I saw this compassion, this concern and I almost spilled my heart out.” I didn’t know who I was talking to at this point, Dan or myself. “I looked into those eyes and I thought... ‘it wouldn’t be fair. Not him.’ The burden I had was just too heavy for you to carry, it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. So I did the next best thing, I ran. I fled from that place, afraid of what I might do if I stayed.”

“What does this have to do with the religion in your song?”

I laughed, thinking back. “You never really had much patience, did you?”

He grinned sheepishly. I continued on, “Well after I beat alcohol this whole chapter of my lift started and following the joy and euphoria of overcoming my drinking came the terror of the unknown. The alcohol had been with me for so long that it was a part of me... A part of me that I had ripped away and banished. And this huge chasm somehow appeared inside myself and I had no idea how to fill it. The addiction had created a huge hole and I craved something to make myself feel complete.”

I could almost see Dan connecting the dots in his mind.

“That’s right, I turned to other things. Such as God.”

“But you didn’t find peace there?”

I shook my head. “I tried to find that connection, which was when I wrote the song. I was trying to make myself accept God, but in the end I realized you can’t force faith.”

“So what did you turn to?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Music.”

“Is that what you guys started the last year?”

Remembering the school days, I smiled. “It sure was. I poured my heart out and look where it got me.”

“You’ve gotten to help millions of people.”

“But before that, you helped me.”

Dan looked puzzled.

“You pushed me and gave me something to focus on. You were part of the reason I got my life back on track.”

“Don’t give me credit, I really mean it. Thank you.”

He smiled warmly. “Anytime Beth.”

A knock came on the door and I called for them to come in. Kate appeared with a clipboard in her hand.

“Hi Mr. Byron! Sorry I have to drag Beth away, you have an interview in 5.”

“Magazine?”

“No, radio. A fan will be asking their questions.”

I turned to Dan. “I’m really sorry, I have to run.”

He laughed, “Busy life huh?”

“You can say that again!”

Kate came over and grabbed my hand, dragging me towards the door.

“Stay, we’ll talk later!” I chuckled as I let Kate have her way.

“I think I’ll do just that.” Came the reply as I was forced out of the room.