Nothing Really Matters

It was hard for him to be on bed rest. He had recovered pretty good already later that evening, but the doctors still wanted him to stay in bed. She hadn’t woken up yet and it made him panicky. Greg had joined us with some food, right after darkness fell over Atlanta. He wasn’t eating much of course, just keeping his eyes locked on her.

“I’m sorry….”

We both jumped a little when he suddenly spoke.

“For what?”

Greg asked, looking at him. He finally looked away from her, over to the pair of us.

“I know this fucks up the scheud…”
“Shut up! Don’t even think about that now, Norman. It’s the last thing you have to worry about. We will figure it out. You just have to concentrate on getting better and on getting her better.”

He bowed his head but nodded towards Greg.

“She should be awake by now.”
“Give her some time. You heard the doctors, she need time to recover. She will wake up when she’s ready. “
I told him, although I had started to get a little bit worried as well, but I couldn’t let him see that.
“We should’ve kept a tighter security.”
“There really wasn’t anything any of us could’ve done to stop this from happening…. I just never thought it would end like this. That what she told me about him was actually true.”
“Do you think what he told her about her mother was true?”
“Yeah… I think that was why he went after her.”
“What about her mother?”
“She apparently passed away a week ago from cancer.”
“So she has none left?”
“She has never had anyone, but no, she has no family left. They’re all dead.”

When Norman spoke I came to think about what she had told me when we had had dinner not long ago. She had told me he didn’t know. I couldn’t stop the smug snort that escaped my lips when I realized she was the only heir to all the millions.

“What?”
Both Greg and Norman looked at me like I was crazy.
“Sorry… I just… She told me something a few weeks back.”
“What?”
“Her family is one of the riches families in the US.”
“Come again?”
“She told me her family was loaded, from oil a few generations back. I just realized that she is the only one left.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. I guess she will have to be declared undead first though.”
“She never told me…. When did she tell you?”
“That night we had dinner at my place and you fell asleep on the couch.”
“It never made any difference.”

Three heads snapped at the same time to look over at her. Her eyes were still closed but it really was her that had spoken. I tried to stop him at first, but figured there really wasn’t any point, seeing as he was already half way towards her before I reacted. She winced when he pressed his lips to hers, making him pull back but keeping his hands on her face. It must have hurt him too but I know he wouldn’t care about that.

“I love you. I love you so fucking much, Lo…”
“I love you too. Could you try not to be so close…? It kinda hurts.”

He had been leaning over her and it must have put pressure on her wound. He pulled away when he noticed.

“Sorry…How are you feeling?”
“I’ve had worst.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Andy, really.”

I got to my feet and walked to the other side of her bed, kissing her forehead before taking a seat on the chair.

“You had us worried there for a while, sweetheart.”
“Sorry. How are you?”
“I’m fine, Lo. Don’t worry about me.”

When she looked back at him it was like we could’ve just walked out the door. They only had eyes for each other. She grabbed his hand, looking at his bruised knuckles.

“Are you ok?”
“Yes… I’m fine as long as you are.”

Her hand gently caressed his face, the swelling had gone down and most bruises had started to vanish but he still looked bad.

“I’m sorry I put you through this, both of you.”

I knew she would say it, that she had to but truth was, I would do it again if it came to that. Seeing them together again, made it all worth it.

………………………………………….

It felt like a war was going on inside me. One part of me had wanted to never wake up again. It would have made things so much easier for him. It would’ve kept him safe. I would always been fucked up with a fucked up past that never would go away. The other part didn’t want anything else then to live a life with him. From the beginning he had said he needed to protect me, that he felt a need to keep me safe. Now I needed to return that favor. I wanted to keep him safe and the only way I knew how to do that was to leave. That was why it would’ve been easier to die. Then I wouldn’t have to make the chose. It was tearing me apart. I wanted nothing more than to be close to him, but once I was the fear of hurting him again was so overwhelming and strong. My body needed him, actually physical needing him and responding to him. I healed quicker then I should’ve and I knew it was because of him. He wouldn’t leave my sight, even sleeping next to me once he had been discharged on Tuesday. A week after everything had happened I found myself with him and Andy and it was the chance had I been waiting for.

“Can I ask you a favor?”
I knew I didn’t have to ask, he would do anything for me.
“Anything.”
“Could you go home and get my iPad?”
“Why?”
“Please.”
“I could…”

Andy began to speak but once I pinched his arm, without Norman noticing it, he trailed off.

“Yeah, could you go?”
“Please, Norman… You need to walk outside these walls sometime. I’ll be fine here with Andy.”

I could tell, by looking at Andy that he knew there was something going on, but he was smart enough not to say anything. It was both a curse and a blessing, but Norman loved me too much to notice anything.

“Fine.”

He was easier to convince then I thought he would be and I watched as he left the room not 2 minutes later. The moment the door closed behind him, Andy turned to me, pining me to the bed with his gaze.

“What the hell are you up to?”
“I need you to do something for me…. I need to… Get away from here.”
“No… No, you can’t. You can’t leave him, London. “
“I need to get my head straight. I just…”

I couldn’t find the right words to describe to him what was going on, but I knew I had to give him some sort of explanation or he would never let me go.

“I have to do this… For him. For us… It won’t be forever, just until I’ve figured things out. I hate this… I hate that this happened to him and to you… It was because of me. Because I let myself fall in love with him.”
“We’re fine, London. We’re both fine, we made it.”
“Yeah, but what if you hadn’t? Your kids wouldn’t have a father anymore, Mingus wouldn’t have a father anymore. That would’ve been on me. Cause I was stupid enough to love him.”
“He’s not going to survive you leaving him again, Lo.”
“I’m not leaving him. I’m just… I’ve to do this. If there’s ever going to be an us, I’ve to do this my way.”
“Meaning what exactly?”
“I need to go home.”
“You’re going back to Boston?”
“Yeah. I’ve to make some sort of…. Closure.”
“What do you need me to do?”
“You have to let me go and you need to make him understand.”
“Understand what? That I let the reason for his existents slip through my fingers? Do you’ve any idea how much he’s going to hate me? Please, Lo there has to be another way.”
“This is the only way I know…”
“Running….”
“Please don’t look at it like that. You know I can’t keep…. I love him, Andy. I love him to death but… I don’t know how to keep him safe if I stay.”
“But there’s no one left, London. He’s dead. There’s no one left to hurt him or you anymore.”
“My demons will never go away, Andy… They will always be part of me, part of who I am.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know…”
“If I’m going to let you do this, you’ve to promise me something in return.”
“I can try.”
“Come back. You’ve to come back. And you’ve to let him know you’re ok from time to time.”
“You know I won’t be able to stay away from him…. I have to do this my way, Andy. Please. This won’t be forever. Hell, I might not make it a week without him.”
“You’re not ready to leave, you haven’t even been discharged yet.”
“When do you suggest I leave then? He never leaves me alone.”

I pulled out the iv from my wrist and got to my feet. I had been up walking for the past 2 days, but that had only been to the bathroom and back. This was different. Andy grabbed me under my arm and held me steady. When I looked up at him, he had tears in his eyes.

“Andy, come on… Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“It’s already hard enough… Please, Lo…He will be devastated. And what about Mingus? And Chandler?”
“Don’t do this to me, Andy. Don’t make me feel worse… I’m asking you, please to just let me do this. You’re the only one that can make him understand. He trusts you. I trust you.”
“Come back.”
“I will… Could you help me?”

I was too sore to life the gown over my head to change into my own cloths. With tears streaming down his face, he helped me get dressed. Once I was dressed in jeans and a black Walking Dead hoodie, he handed me my back pack. I put it on before turning back to look at him. Tears were still falling down his face and he sobbed. I reached up and kissed his check.

“Here.”

He picked up his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans and gave me his credit card. When I shook my head at him, he sighed and put it into my back pocked.

“You’re not hitching a ride all the way to Boston. Take the train.”
“Ok… I love you, Andy.”
“I love you too, honey. Be safe. Promise me, you’ll be safe.”
“Yes, I promise. I’m sorry I’m so fucked up…”
“Do whatever you have to, London, just come back. And please do it quick.”

I managed to chuckle a little at his words and he actually smiled at me, wiping away his tears.

“I will try. I will never be able to thank you for this, Andy.”
“You don’t have to if you just come back.”
“Ok…”

I pulled the hood up over my head and turned to leave the room. Leaving Andy behind. Leaving Norman behind. Again. I had to try to piece myself together if I was ever going to be able to return to him again. He deserved something better then what I was at that moment. He deserved someone whole and someone that would be able to stay whole for him. I didn’t know if I was able to be that someone but I needed to try for his sake and for my own. And to do that I had to go back to where it all started. I had to face my demons, although they might not actually be physical alive still. But there were so much more than just my parents to deal with. I needed to get my life back. I needed to be the one in control of my own life for the first time ever. I did as Andy had told me and headed to the train station. Luck was with me and I caught the last train of the night and climbed into my private bunk to sleep for the entire ride. I was too drained to even dream that night and I think it was what both body and mind needed. Everything was so chaotic and I was terrified to be back.

I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye, but you would never have let me go.
Are you ok?
Yes. Are you?
No.
I love you.
I love you too.
I punched Andy.
I figured you would. Is he ok?
Yeah. I kinda hate you for doing this to me.
You should. Just try and get back to work. You have to focus on Daryl. Do it for me. For us.
Ok.

The house looked just like I remembered it. A two storey all white brick house with a basement. The gate at the beginning to the driveway was steal. On the right side of the driveway the fruit and vegi garden had been neglected. It had been my moms, but this year it seemed she hadn’t taken care of it. On the left of the graveled path up to the house was the vast lawn, ending by the small lake. It probably looked like the ideal place for 2 kids to grove up, but walking up to the house after jumping the fence just gave me chills. Two black cars were parked outside the front door. I had just turned towards the lake, thinking about going out on the dock, when the door opened and 3 people in suits walked out.

“London?!”

The women shrieked my name after starring at me. I should remember her name, but at that moment I couldn’t place her. She had been one of the many people around, helping out with the financials. I think she was an attorney. The other two men I didn’t know and they eyed me uncertainly.

“It is you… Oh my God…”

She took a step towards me, making me back away.

“I’m sorry, I going to keep my distance.”
“Yeah, you should.”
“We really need to talk… After everything that happened with your father and…”
“You’re Mr. Richardson’s daughter?”

I turned and looked at the young man. He couldn’t barley be a year older than me. After eyeing the second man closer I saw the similarities and I figured they were father and son. I nodded my response.

“Your mother confessed what they had done to you. That you were still alive, but I just didn’t… I didn’t know what to think, it just sounded so….”
“Fucked up?”

It probably wouldn’t have been the word she was about to use, but I didn’t know what else to use to put a word to it.

“Yes… Could we go inside and talk?”
“No. Not inside.”
“The lake then? You always loved that lake.”
“I didn’t love anything here… Caroline, right?”
“Yes, I’m Caroline. I was with your mother when she… When she past.”
“We can talk, but not them.”
“Now, Miss Richar…”
“It’s London… And no, I’m not talking to you. I don’t know you.”
“We will wait inside then.”

The two men headed back inside the house and I followed Caroline towards the lake. She did as promised and kept her distance, allowing me to walk a few steps behind her. I had a few memories of her and I think most of them were actually good memories. She had been kind to me. Not around
enough to pick up on the fucked up parts but she seemed to be one of the good guys.

“Your mother died of lung cancer 3 weeks ago now. Your dad lost it after she passed away.”

I sat down at one of the benches down at the dock and she sat down on the opposite, make it possible for her to look at me. I just listened, allowing her to do the talking.

“Your mother told me what had been going on in this house since you and your bother were kids. She told me about your father, what he was like towards you. That they had you declared dead. She made me promise to find you and have you… Undead…. I never thought you’d come back here. Your dad… Being killed on duty it was just…”
“Wait… Is that what you think happened? That he was killed on duty?”
“Wasn’t he? His colleges on the FBI told us that he had been down in Atlanta and something had gone wrong with a hostage situation and he had been killed.”
“He found me.”
“In Atlanta? Your mother said you lived in New York.”
“I did. He came to bring me home. He said it was time for me to be controlled again.”
“I’m sorry, London I didn’t know… He never said… So you were the hostage?”
“I guess. I was with… I was with someone… He tried to kill him, beating him up before stabbing me and putting the gun to Norman’s head. If they hadn’t pulled the trigger on him, both Norman and I would be dead.”

The shock on the woman’s face was something to behold. Her brown eyes widened so much I feared
her eye bowls might fall out. Her small, red lips started to tremble slightly and her oval face drained completely from all the blood. It took her a few minutes to process what I had told her but finally she cleared her throat and began to speak again.

“I’m sorry, London… You’ve a boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“He stabbed you?”
“Yes. I’ve been in the hospital for a week, down in Atlanta.”
“But I tried to find….”
“Well, since I don’t exists, how the hell could you find me? They didn’t even have a record of me in Atlanta. It was just my first name on the chart. I have no social security number or insurance or anything like that. It’s not like you can track me through the paper work.”
“But how did your father find you?”
“He’s FBI, remember? I beat there’s a lot you can do if you really want to find someone and there really aren’t any rules to follow.”
“Apparently… Do you want to get your life back?”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“I can help you with that. In fact…”

She took up a folder from her briefcase and handed it over to me. It was paper works from one of my first arrest, while I was still living in Boston. I had got into a fight with some fellow classmates.

“What is this?”
“When your mother told me you were still alive I knew I had to get hold of something from your old life to prove you really were you if I could find you. You left a DNA sample after that arrest and that is still stored under your name and with your old social security number, the one you got when you were born. Do you still have your birth certificate?”
“Yeah, it’s in my backpack.”

I nodded towards the pack at my feet. I looked through the papers, watching a younger version of myself with a bloody face and angry eyes.

“Is it really that simple?”
“Yes. We just need to match your DNA to the old sample and you can become London Richardson again.”
“I don’t want to be London Richardson. I’ve never had a family here. It was just Alex, not them…”
“Then you can change your name, it doesn’t matter what last name you have, I just need to be able to physical bind you to the family.”
“Why?”
“This is all yours now, London.”
“What if I don’t want it?”
“Then it will go to the state of Massachusetts… There’s a lot of money, London. Your mother did write a will, but your father didn’t. She left you everything. Which is pretty much half of his money, seeing as it’s his side of the family that owned the company once… I know you don’t want anything to do with your father and perhaps your mother as well, but she really did love you, London. She was so sorry for what happened to you. She wanted me to tell you that she was sorry she hit you that day when you were six and came home from the neighbors…. May I suggest you take your mothers money for yourself and donate your father’s money to whatever you feel is worth it. And the house…”
“Tear it down. Tear it down and build a summer camp for abused kids or something.”
“Alright… But first we need to make you undead. I will get the process going right away unless you have any objections.”
“No… No, not at all. Thank you.”

It wasn’t a word I had used that much in my life but now this was really the right time if any. She was helping me get my life back. Something I hadn’t been sure would ever be possible. Caroline left me sitting on the dock, she was already on the phone before she had gotten back up to the phone.

This is where I spent the first 15 years of my life.

I snapped a photo out over the lake and texted him.

Pretty.
I guess it is. I just never saw it that way.
How are you?
Alright. You?
Missing you like crazy.
Me too.

The next text was a picture of his crossbow, lying on the ground next to a walker head.

Being a good boy and doing what you told me.
Thank you.
Can I call you? I just need to hear your voice.
No.
Why?
Coz I would never be able to hang up.
You don’t have to.
I love you.
Love you too.