Explosions

J.J. shook his head, and he turned to leave Charlie standing by herself under the stadium. She ran after him and grabbed his hand. He stopped, but he knew he didn’t have to.

“J.J., please talk to me,” she said.

“What is there to talk about, Charlie?” J.J. said. “Should we talk about how you wanted to talk to him before you wanted to talk to me?”

“He’ll be leaving in an hour,” she said. “You’ll be here forever.”

“Look, I’m not going to be nice about this anymore,” he snapped. “If you’re going to be with him, go be with him. Stop dragging me behind you.”

“You think that’s what this is?” said Charlie. “You think I came to a locker room so I could tell him all my feelings and run back into his arms? You think I came to this locker room so I could leave you behind? What, I’m not allowed to just catch up with him? Last I checked I didn’t need your permission for things like that.”

“Don’t make this my fault”-

“There is literally no one at fault here!” Charlie said, raising her voice. “You’re the one turning nothing into something, something that is apparently my fault. Why am I not surprised there?”

“You want to start this right now?” said J.J.

“You’ve already fucking started it,” said Charlie. “Let’s fucking finish it.”

“Okay, you two!” someone shouted.

Charlie and J.J. turned to see Coach O’Brien with a few Texans players behind him. Behind them were a few reporters and cameramen. Across the hall, Charlie could see some Jets players standing in the doorway. Ryan was not one of them.

“Let’s go somewhere else and chat, shall we?” said Coach, ushering the two of them away. “Before this turns into a three-ring circus?”

Charlie walked steadily forward. It was a long walk to Coach’s office, and she felt like a kid being taken to the principal. J.J. was silent, but she could tell by the way his jaw clenched and unclenched that he was thinking. Coach didn’t say anything either. If he had said something, it might have made it more awkward than the silence that was drifting between the three of them. Charlie wanted to turn and leave.

They made it to Coach’s office, and Charlie looked over at J.J. He glanced down at her, but meeting her eyes caused him to look away immediately. She rolled her eyes and followed Coach into his office. She sat down at the table in the middle of the room, and J.J. sat across from her.

“I care very much about the both of you,” Coach said. “Unfortunately, I don’t give a flying fuck about this drama between you. So I’m going to say one thing, and then I’m going to leave you two to fix your own goddamn problems.”

He pointed at J.J.

“Your anger here translates beautifully to the field,” he said. “Your anger on the field needs to stay the fuck there.”

He turned and walked out of his office, shutting the door behind him. Charlie stared at J.J., waiting for him to continue on his tirade. He took a few deep breaths, and he looked up at her.

“Are you going to say anything to me?” she said.

“I don’t have anything to say to you,” he replied.

“You had plenty you wanted to say to me five minutes ago,” she said.

“Yeah, well I was pissed, okay?” he said. “I’m still pissed. I have every fucking right to be.”

“Why? I can’t hug someone?”

“I don’t fucking know, Charlotte. It seemed like it was a little more than just a fucking hug.”

“Would you have given a shit if I went and saw him if all this shit hadn’t happened?” Charlie asked.

“Probably not,” he said.

“Then why does all of this matter?” she said.

J.J. shrugged and said, “I’m losing you. Seeing you with him…I don’t want to lose you, Charlie. In some ways, I already have. I saw the photos. I saw how you looked at him, and I see how you look at him now. You used to look at me like that, and I wish you still would.”

“I know you’re not sad about any of this,” said Charlie. “I know you’re pissed. I know you think you did something to push me away, but it’s not true at all. You can’t keep blaming yourself for this, and I don’t want you to pretend like it’s someone else’s fault either. The truth is that the more time I spent with him, the more I realized why I had been with him in the first place.”

“Could I have done something to prevent all this?” he asked.

“I don’t think so,” she replied. “That first kiss on New Year’s absolutely destroyed me. I knew I still had feelings for him, but after that, they’d been brought to the surface. I was so confused. My life with you was so perfect, and here I was wanting something else.”

“Tell me what you want me to do,” said J.J. “I’ll do it. Anything at all.”

“That’s not what this is,” Charlie replied.

J.J. put his head down on the table and covered the back of his head with his hands. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but something stopped her. She waited patiently for him. He said nothing for a long time. She watched his shoulders rising and falling, and she finally cleared her throat.

“J.J., I love you so much,” she said. “Look, for a long time, I never thought I would be happy. After Vince, I thought for sure I would be caught in a never-ending battle of heartbreak. Running into you was one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, okay? And I will say that until I die. You made me whole again.”

“But…” he said.

“But I’m not in love with you anymore,” Charlie continued. “It’s nothing you did. It’s nothing you didn’t do. This is what I’m feeling. To be honest, I’m not sorry about it. The only thing I’m sorry about is that it’s hurting you.”

J.J. avoided her eyes as he looked up, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. She had only seen him cry a handful of times. She forgot how painful it was, but she didn’t look away. She needed him to know that she was serious. Charlie grabbed his hand and held it.

“There have been a lot of things in the last year that we’ve both left unsaid,” she said. “Maybe it’s best that some things stay there. I need you to know, though, that you’re a great person. You’re better than I ever could have asked for.”

“What am I doing wrong?” he asked, his voice cracking.

“Nothing,” said Charlie.

She stood up and went to kneel next to him. She tangled her fingers with his, and he inhaled sharply. He blinked a few times, but he squeezed her hand.

“Look, I got the job in Boston,” she said. “They haven’t told me, but I just know. I can feel it. I’m not going to turn this down.”

“You shouldn’t,” he agreed.

“If we’re going to make this work, though, you have to trust me again,” she said. “I’m going to be a thousand miles away. If me hugging someone is going to set you off, then I don’t know how well this is going to work.”

“Charlie, it’s not that it’s someone. It’s that it’s him.”

“J.J., I don’t think it matters anymore who it is. I have to know if you’re going to be able to trust me. I understand if you don’t, but…”

Charlie stopped, but he understood. He put his free hand on her cheek and tried to smile at her. She saw through it, but she leaned in to his hand.

“Then I think this is where our story ends,” he said.

Hearing the words come out of his mouth was completely different than she thought. It hit her like a ton of bricks, and for a moment, she couldn’t breathe. His breathing was shaky and uneven as he touched his forehead to hers. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she let out a single cry.

J.J.’s lips grazed hers lightly, and he kissed her for the first time in nearly two months. It felt strange to Charlie, and her heart no longer fluttered in her chest. She pulled away slowly. He stared at her for a long moment, and she wondered if he had something else to say to her. He smiled at her, but there was pain in his eyes.

“I love you,” he said.

He didn’t give her a chance to reply as he stood up and left the room. She was frozen in her place as she heard the door shut behind her. Her hands felt empty with him suddenly gone, and her body slumped against the chair he had vacated. She ran her hands through her hair. She hadn’t imagined something like this being the end of them, but here it was.