It Happens in Threes

Do you ever hear someone talk and think “you’re unintelligent”?
That’s currently what I’m thinking as I listen to the man next to me go on and on about how Donald Trump is going to better America.
I’ve tried to exit the conversation multiple times but this dude wasn’t picking up my blunt social que, which was me saying “I got to go now”. So, I stood near the door as I sipped my coffee and waited for him to stop talking. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut during political conversations after one too many class room debates.
“…So, yeah, I think it’s time that this county has some real change,” he said before sipping his drink.
“Alright, well, I really got to go now,” I said smiling politely as I opened the door.
“Wait! You should have this,” he said handing me a small little red lamp.
“No, it’s fine. I really don’t need that. I have enough lamps,” I said trying to leave again.
“I insist,” he said smiling.
I sighed, whatever I thought as I took the lamp from the man and put it in my pocket. I thanked him and hurried out of the Starbucks and started my walk home.
I like to go for walks when I need to clear my head.
I got home early from a business trip in LA, yesterday, and deiced to swing by my boyfriend’s apartment to surprise him. He gave me key so I buzzed myself into the building and let myself into his apartment.
To my pleasant surprise I found a half-naked, blonde, chick in his kitchen making herself a bowl of my cereal that I left at his place for when I sleep over.
“Who are you?” she asked eyeing me.
“Who the hell are you?” I asked back.
“I’m Britney, Kevin’s girlfriend,” she said. “And you are?”
“Kevin’s girlfriend,” I said making my way over to his gaming chair, which he never let me sit in. I sat down and took off my jacket.
“What are you doing? That’s his special chair!” she snapped.
“Oh, I know, I was there we he got and you were probably graduating kindergarten. Where is the lying bastard?”
“He’ll be back in twenty,” she said taking a spoon full of cereal. She chewed with her mouth open.
“I’ll wait,” I said crossing my legs. “I suggest you leave”.
“No, I like, practically live here now”.
“I don’t care, snack time is over and you’re in time out. Leave”.
She huffed and walked into Kevin’s bedroom. I closed my eyes and tried to control my anger.
About twenty minutes later the bastard was home and the fight started.
“You really thought that I wouldn’t find out!” I said throwing a spoon at him.
“Jesus Jen!” Kevin said ducking. I played softball in my early years.
“How long has this been going on?”
“Since you left for Cali, the first time”.
“Oh okay, so I leave to get a job and to better myself and to take care of your sorry ass and you find yourself a pre-teen to babysit. How old is she? Sixteen?”
“She’s nineteen and will you stop making digs at her”.
“No, Malibu Barbie will be okay. You on the other hand not so much,” I said throwing a fork at him.
“Jen, stop throwing shit!”
“No! I will not,” I said throwing another spoon. “We dated for three years, I took care of you, I picked you up when you needed me to, I was a good girlfriend and this is how you repay me?”
“You’re so dramatic!”
“Oh so I’m dramatic you want to see dramatic!” I picked up a pot and got ready to chuck it at him.
“Jen!” he said stopping me. “You act like you’re perfect but in reality all you ever did was make me feel like the bad guy, like I was worthless, like everything was my fault”.
“Because it was, Kevin! Our three biggest fights were all your fault and you know it”.
“Oh stop…”
“First fight, I told you to come over at six and meet my parents, you came over at eight thirty and you were drunk!”
“Get over it! I showed up didn’t I?”
“Not the way I wanted you to meet my mother!”
“The second fight wasn’t my fault so just stop”.
“The hell it wasn’t. I threw you a surprise birthday party-”
“That I didn’t want”.
“You could have at least thanked me! But instead you got drunk and showed all of your friends my naked pictures, which reminds me. Give me your phone. I’m deleting all of them,” I said storming over to him. I grabbed his phone and unlocked it.
“I didn’t want a party. I told you that” he said walking away from me.
“You could have thanked me, oh, and don’t you dare tell me that our third fight was my fault. I left for a three weeks for a career and all you had to say was ‘oh why do you have to leave me?’ go fuck yourself!”
“You’re so dramatic!”
“Me leaving does not give you the right to cheat on me with someone who still shops at The Children’s Place. You cheated on me for three months, Kevin. Three months,” I threw his phone at him.
“Jen!” he said running to catch it.
“Have a nice life. If you need a babysitter try Care.com,” and with that I left.
So here I am now, half way home with a coffee in my hand. I just came from picking up my stuff at his place and I just needed to clear my head.
As I waited for my turn to cross the street an elderly woman approached me. She looked like Snow White’s evil step mother after she turned herself into a hag.
“Here, you might need this,” she said handing me a green lamp.
“Oh, no thank you,” I said. “I already have one,” I smiled.
“You need another one,” she said placing it in my hand and walking away.
I looked down at the little lamp and shrugged. Whatever.
I put the lamp in my pocket, with the other one, and quickly crossed the street and headed to my apartment. I opened the huge glass door and entered the warm lobby. I smiled at the door man who opened the next set of doors for me and pressed the up button for the elevator.
Once I was upstairs, I took off my jacket and made my way over to my desk. I sat down and sighed at the two boxes filled with my things from Kevin’s place. I rolled my eyes and got to work.
I was in LA for a fashion show that People Magazine wanted me to cover. I did some interviews and took some pictures. I had a really fun time. I was there for about a week.
I was proof reading my article when I heard some yelling outside. I grabbed my coffee and got up from my desk. My apartment was pretty quiet so whatever the commotion was about, I wanted to know.
I opened my front door and saw one of my neighbors throwing sneakers at her boyfriend.
“…And take your smelly ass sneakers too. I hope you’re happy with your new trick!” she said as he picked up his shoes and hurried off.
I smiled a little, remembering my fight with Kevin. “What’s up?” I asked sipping my drink.
“The asshole cheated on me,” she said with a sarcastic smile. “We only dated for about three months but don’t you dare sleep with another woman. I don’t care if sleeping with her cures cancer, don’t sleep with another woman”.
“I hear that, just got cheated on myself,” I said raising my cup.
She scuffed and rolled her eyes, “What is it with men and the inability to keep it in their pants”.
“Couldn’t tell ya,” I said as a man around our age walked by us.
“Hey, you need this,” he said handing me a purple lamp.
“I have two already,” I said as my neighbor went inside.
He simply smiled, “good, but you need one more,” he put the lamp in my hand and walked off.
“What’s up with these lamps?” I called after him.
“Just be careful what you wish for,” he said over his shoulder.
What?
“Do you even live here?” I asked looking him over. I haven’t seen him around before.
He chuckled, “3E” he said stepping into the elevator.
I looked at the lamp and went back inside. I walked over to my jacket and pulled out the other two. I looked at them and they had nothing special on them. I sighed and put the lamps on my side table and went back to my deck.
I started to proof read again when my phone buzzed. I picked it up and looked at the notification. It was the group chat me and my two best friends started in 9th grade.
Lindsey had texted us ‘Mark cheated’.
Something definitely seems to be going around.
I replied ‘join the club’. I focused my attention back to my article when my phone buzzed again. It was Lindsey again ‘What are you guys around happy hour?’
Amber replied ‘a whole lotta nothing!’
I chucked then typed ‘our usual place at our usual booth at our usual time?’
Within seconds they replied agreeing to meet up at the nearby dive bar around six thirty, when happy hour starts. I smiled and looked at the time. I had about an hour to finish up my work.
******
“He slept with the secretary,” Lindsey said before sipping her third martini.
“Oh!” Amber and I said together, almost laughing.
“Not the secretary!” I said.
“How clique!” Amber said as she slipped her vodka soda.
“I know! The one time I don’t go to his stupid holiday work party he bones the secretary. I’m sorry that my grandmother was lying on her deathbed and wanted to see her family,” Lindsey said.
“What an asshole,” I said before sipping my second beer.
“I know…” Lindsey sighed.
“So now what?” Amber asked.
“Well, he’s currently at his brother’s place because I can’t even look at him. The kids are with my parents and I don’t know what to do,” Lindsey took another sip.
“Stay together for the kids,” Amber and I said together.
“Honestly, couples therapy works,” Amber said. “If I were you, I would have Mark take me out to a fancy expensive restaurant, and I’d look smoking hot, and have us talk things out. Let him know that he has to earn your trust back and he has to fire that hoe. She has got to go! Also, in case things don’t work out, find a job. You need to be smart and think of your kids. You live on a street filled with seventeen year olds that will do anything for a buck. One of them will babysit if not them you got us”.
“I’m not babysitting,” I said bluntly before smiling sweetly.
“Ignore her! Get a job, make some money. Also, get laid! I’m willing to bet that the last time you had sex was when Jonny was born. Let Mark know that you are just as hot and sexy as that twenty something year old that he banged.”
“You make a good point,” Lindsey said.
“I know! Jen, you’re next, what’s up with you and I can’t hold a job?”
I sighed, “He’s been cheating on me for, like, three months with some blonde, Barbie that just screams statutory rape,” I took another sip. “I’m over it, it’s whatever. Like, how many times have I come crying to you guys saying that I’m going to break up with him and that he’s not worth it and how many times have-”.
“He gone down on you and make you forget why you were angry. That pattern happens like three times every year. He’s trash! I told you that from day one,” Amber said sipping her drink. “He can’t even keep a job. You need a man babe, someone who can take care of you”.
“So, what are you going to do?” Lindsey asked dismissing her.
“What I always do. I’m going to burry myself into my work and drink a bottle of wine and cry myself to sleep,” I said finishing the last of my beer.
“You need to get laid,” Amber said. “When was the last time you got laid?”
“Before I left for LA, duh,” I said smiling.
“That’s my girl!” she said grinning back.
“When was the last time you got laid?” Lindsey asked.
“So…remember that guy from Tinder that I’ve been casually seeing?”
“Yeah…”
“Remember how I said I wasn’t going to sleep with him right away?”
“Oh no…”
“Well… yesterday was our fourth date and I spread my legs like the good Catholic girl that I am”.
“Amber!” Lindsey said laughing.
“Why are you surprised? She’s a slut!” I laughed. “How was it?”
“I am not a slut and it was amazing,” she said grinning.
“Did he go down on you?” I asked.
“Did you go down on him?” Lindsey asked.
“I’m a lady, so of course he did,” Amber said smiling, “and yeah I returned the favor”.
We laughed and let Amber gush about her Tinder guy. As we laughed, gossiped and talked it reminded me of us in high school.
Lindsey and I have been friends since we were twelve and she was going on forty. She’s always been a little more mature than us. Always was the mom of the group. She married her college sweet heart. They’ve been together for seven years, married for three of them. They have two beautiful kids and always had a good relationship, well until now.
Amber is the youngest but she’s our reality check. She tells us how it is no matter what and I love her for that. Lindsey and I met her in 9th grade during gym class and we’ve been close ever since. She loves the single life. She likes to hop from guy to guy.
I am nothing like my friends. I’m cynical and rash, impatient and stubborn. I wear too much eye makeup and say what’s on my mind. I’ve had three serious relationships in my life. My girls try to keep me in line and I try and do the same.
“So, please tell me. What’s it like being single?” I asked Amber.
“It’s fun when you’re hot. The three best places to meet men are Tinder, bars and coffee shops,” she said smiling.
“Alright Ms. Starbucks, give it rest,” Lindsey said rolling her eyes. Ever since Amber became the general manager at Starbucks she never shuts up about it.
“You really have to quit that job,” I said. “It is no longer cool to work at Starbucks”.
“It was never cool to work at Starbucks,” Lindsey laughed.
“Alright bitches, I’m going to work there for-”
“One more year then I’ll start my master plan,” Lindsey and I finished, giggling. Amber has being saying that for about three years.
“Other than that, what’s your plan?” Lindsey said.
“What my plan always is; get paid, get laid, stay woke. Oh! Jen,” Amber said facing me. “My employee and I are going out to the bar tomorrow night. Come with us! We’re gonna go chase some tie. Get it? Because guys say chase some tail, but we’re chasing men”.
“I can think of ten things that I would rather do than go ‘chase some tie’ with you and your Starbucks employee,” I said opening my forth beer.
“Oh really?”
“Yeah”.
“Name all ten then,” Amber said sipping the last of her drink.
“Alright, I would rather drive to Canada”.
“That’s a nice trip, it’s long but it’s nice.”
“I would rather swim with the sharks”.
“Nice, adventurous”.
“I would rather baby sit”.
“Lindsey has two great kids”.
“I would rather listen to folk music”.
“Cultural, I like it”.
“I would rather smoke weed,” I said and we all started laughing.
“Oh my God,” Lindsey said laughing. “Do you remember the last time we smoked?”
“We got stupid high!” Amber said laughing.
“We vowed never again after that but I would rather smoke some loud than go to the bars with you”.
“It won’t be that bad,” Lindsey said.
“Bull shit…” I muttered.
“I’m trying to get you laid, I’m being a good friend,” Amber said.
“I can get laid on my own,” I said smiling as Lindsey laughed.
“It’ll be fun!”
“No,” I said remembering the last time I went out to the bars with Amber. Long story short, we ended up in New Jersey.
She huffed and sat back in her seat, “Then give me rest of your list”.
“Fine. I would rather… play softball again, have another beer and risk a DUI, work at Starbucks, call my dad and… work for the New York Times again”.
“Those all sound like fun things,” Amber said nonchalantly.
“The answer is no.”
“Oh come on! We all have to get laid tomorrow night. Lindsey and her husband, you with some hot guy you’ll never see again and me with a hotter guy that I’ll never see again. Please it’ll be like old times”.
“Just go,” Lindsey said.
“I’ll go for one hour,” I said as Amber said yes and threw her hands in the air. “My place at eight, don’t be tardy,” she said.
“Alright ladies,” Lindsey said getting up. “I think we should go”.
“I think we’re too drunk to drive,” Amber said trying to regain her balance.
I pushed her a little as I got up.
“Don’t be mean,” she said glaring at me. “I’ll call us an Uber”.
“Good idea, we’ll fair split. Have him go to my place,” Lindsey said as we headed to the bar to pay. “It’s closer”.
We closed out our tab and headed outside to wait for the Uber driver. We giggled and made small talk as he pulled up.
“We should go out to brunch tomorrow,” Amber said as we pilled in. “We have to come back out and get our cars so we might as well”.
“Deal,” I muttered as I rested my head on Lindsey’s shoulder. I felt her nodded her head in agreement as the driver started to drive.