Rewind and Repeat
Chapter Five
I slammed the door behind me and turned the lock shut faster than I remember ever doing before bolting up the stairs and slamming my respiteblock door shut as well. Leaning against the door, my bloodpusher pounding and my lungs heaving, I realized that I had no idea why I ran from the clearing.
Confused, I leaned my head back against the door and took deep breaths to try and slow my breathing and heart-rate. Residual panic clung to the center of my ribcage and I narrowed my eyes at the ceiling. Why did that cause me to panic? They were just cuffs, but they were shaped like the symbol I wore.
They were also shaped like the cuffs in the myth of The Sufferer.
Of course I’ve heard of it. Sometimes lowbloods in meal halls will tell the story to young trolls in hushed voices and make them take a vow of silence, for that sort of talk could and would get you culled. Details of the stories had been lost to time, as those events happened centuries ago, but overall the story still was passed down from generation to generation of trolls. I was actually told the story by Nepeta, who believed that her ancestor was The Disciple herself.
I stand by the fact that ancestors are a myth. With how trolls reproduce there is no way that anyone could have similar enough genes to be considered related in any way. It was impossible.
This was all stupid. All this cryptic nonsense was stupid.
I ran my claws through my hair, scratching at the horn beds before pulling my palmhusk out of my pocket to open up Trollian. Tavros had finally replied and Sollux had left a mass of messages. I opened up Tavros’ first, seeing as it would probably be faster to answer his before trying to go through Sollux’s. A few more messages came through on Sollux’s end as I opened up the window for adiosToreador.
—adiosToreador began trolling carcinoGeneticist—
AT: uM, i HAVEN'T HEARD FROM ARADIA IN A WHILE,
AT: nOT FOR A FEW NIGHTS NOW,,,
AT: iS SHE OKAY,
AT: kARKAT,
AT: wHAT IS GOING ON,
I made the executive decision to not answer him until I read what Sollux was spamming me about, because it probably had to do with Aradia. I had no idea what he could have found, but it most likely was Aradia just fucking with him.
—twinArmageddons began trolling carcinoGeneticist—
TA: karkat vanta2 you lyiing grubfucker!
TA: ii found aradiia and 2he'2 dead!
TA: and iit wa2n't exactly a recent death eiither.
TA: iit had two have been at lea2t 24 hour2 you 2on of a biitch there wa2 no way you could have 2een her thii2 eveniing.
TA: an2wer me damniit
TA: you have 2ome 2eriiou2 explaiiniing two do.
TA: 2uch a2 where the fuck were you la2t niight??
What the fuck?
How could she have been dead for that long? I literally had just seen her that evening.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CG: I LITERALLY SAW HER THIS EVENING, I WOULDN’T LIE ABOUT THAT.
CG: AS FOR WHERE I WAS LAST NIGHT I WAS IN MY HIVE DICKING AROUND TRYING TO CODE THIS VIRUS.
CG: TEREZI MESSAGED ME SOME WEIRD SHIT BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW.
CG: I DIDN’T SEE HER LAST NIGHT, I SAW HER THIS EVENING.
CG: I HADN’T EVEN SPOKEN TO HER IN AT LEAST A PERIGEE BEFORE THAT.
TA: bull2hiit vanta2 that would be 200% iimpo22iible con2iideriing how dead 2he wa2 when ii found her.
TA: no one who diied recently would be that far iintwo riigor mortii2.
TA: 2he'2 fuckiing dead KK, and ha2 been for awhiile now.
CG: THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
CG: THIS IS HORSEBEASTSHIT SHE COULD NOT HAVE BEEN DEAD THAT LONG.
CG: HAVE YOU BEEN EATING MIND HONEY AGAIN?
CG: YOU TOLD ME YOURSELF THAT YOU SHOULDN’T EAT THAT STICKY, YELLOW SLIME.
CG: IT’S ALMOST AS BAD FOR YOU AS SOPOR.
TA: no 2hiit
TA: ii diidn’t eat any damn miind honey for the record.
TA: now 2hut the fuck up and tell me the truth.
CG: I *AM* TELLING THE TRUTH NUMBNUTS!
CG: WHY ON THE SURFACE OF ALTERNIA WOULD I NEED TO LIE TO YOU?
TA: 2o ii don’t fuckiing eradiicate you
TA: becau2e iif ii fiind out that you had 2omethiing to do wiith iit
TA: ii wiill fuckiing kiill you.
CG: WHOA WHOA CALM DOWN THERE.
CG: I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU ABOUT THIS.
CG: YOU KNOW I WOULDN’T.
TA: how do ii know that?
TA: ii don’t tru2t you riight now.
TA: you 2ay you 2aw her la2t.
TA: after 2he wa2 already dead.
TA: ii don’t tru2t you
—twinArmageddons ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist—
I shoved away from my desk and stood up, roughly shoving my claws through my hair. I stormed downstairs toward the mealblock; I didn’t know what happened to her, but there was no way that she would have been dead last night, I literally saw her this evening. There was no way.
It suddenly occurred to me that the time had seemed to be frozen when I had talked to her. It had been incredibly strange. Yanking the door of the thermal hull open, I stared into it and, not surprisingly, found nothing that would help me. Why did I decide to look in the thermal hull? That was stupid.
I shut the door and sighed. Aradia had always been strange, with her morbidity and obsession with death. She would dig for bones and other “treasures” in the ground around her hive and in the ruins not far from it. It surprised no one when her and Sollux came together in the red quadrant, considering their personalities. Sollux had his thing where he heard the psychic screams of the imminently deceased, and Aradia had her thing about being able to command the dead.
Maybe that had something to do about it.
I walked back upstairs and walked over to the ablutionblock, I shut the door behind me and pulled my hair back out of my face and got really close to the reflectionpane. I stared at myself directly in the eyes to try and find any sort of color that would give me away. Now that my eyes weren’t bloodshot, I could get a better look.
I hadn’t been seeing things before, there was just a tinge of red starting to ring around my pupils.
I inhaled sharply in panic and jumped away from the reflectionpane. Shit. I was so dead. If Sollux ends up believing me and doesn’t kill me, the Imperial Drones would.
I took several deep breaths to avoid hyperventilating and sat on the floor against the wall. I had to figure out what to do. I wasn’t going to be able to stay here much longer, I was going to have to go feral most likely. My meal sac felt like it was holding a stone in it and I had to hold a hand over my mouth to avoid throwing up. I wasn’t sure if I was going to cry or throw up at this point.
Contrary to popular belief, I actually didn’t completely hate how I lived my life. I got by, I got the excuse to read books and watch movies to earn a living, my friends were idiots but I had friends, and I didn’t do anything that would draw the attention of the highbloods or the drones. I knew one day I was going to have to leave it all, but I wasn’t ready to do that.
I took another deep breath and my heart rate began to slow. When did I start wheezing? Whenever I did, it was starting to stop. After what felt like hours I stopped shaking and could breath relatively normally. I shakily stood up, leaning against the wall, and straightened. This all was really getting to me and it really needed to stop.
I walked out of the ablutionblock almost completely out of breath, I needed to figure out what to do about all of this, the nonsense and the reality, really soon.
I needed to do something about it, or I was going to lose my thinkpan.
Confused, I leaned my head back against the door and took deep breaths to try and slow my breathing and heart-rate. Residual panic clung to the center of my ribcage and I narrowed my eyes at the ceiling. Why did that cause me to panic? They were just cuffs, but they were shaped like the symbol I wore.
They were also shaped like the cuffs in the myth of The Sufferer.
Of course I’ve heard of it. Sometimes lowbloods in meal halls will tell the story to young trolls in hushed voices and make them take a vow of silence, for that sort of talk could and would get you culled. Details of the stories had been lost to time, as those events happened centuries ago, but overall the story still was passed down from generation to generation of trolls. I was actually told the story by Nepeta, who believed that her ancestor was The Disciple herself.
I stand by the fact that ancestors are a myth. With how trolls reproduce there is no way that anyone could have similar enough genes to be considered related in any way. It was impossible.
This was all stupid. All this cryptic nonsense was stupid.
I ran my claws through my hair, scratching at the horn beds before pulling my palmhusk out of my pocket to open up Trollian. Tavros had finally replied and Sollux had left a mass of messages. I opened up Tavros’ first, seeing as it would probably be faster to answer his before trying to go through Sollux’s. A few more messages came through on Sollux’s end as I opened up the window for adiosToreador.
—adiosToreador began trolling carcinoGeneticist—
AT: uM, i HAVEN'T HEARD FROM ARADIA IN A WHILE,
AT: nOT FOR A FEW NIGHTS NOW,,,
AT: iS SHE OKAY,
AT: kARKAT,
AT: wHAT IS GOING ON,
I made the executive decision to not answer him until I read what Sollux was spamming me about, because it probably had to do with Aradia. I had no idea what he could have found, but it most likely was Aradia just fucking with him.
—twinArmageddons began trolling carcinoGeneticist—
TA: karkat vanta2 you lyiing grubfucker!
TA: ii found aradiia and 2he'2 dead!
TA: and iit wa2n't exactly a recent death eiither.
TA: iit had two have been at lea2t 24 hour2 you 2on of a biitch there wa2 no way you could have 2een her thii2 eveniing.
TA: an2wer me damniit
TA: you have 2ome 2eriiou2 explaiiniing two do.
TA: 2uch a2 where the fuck were you la2t niight??
What the fuck?
How could she have been dead for that long? I literally had just seen her that evening.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CG: I LITERALLY SAW HER THIS EVENING, I WOULDN’T LIE ABOUT THAT.
CG: AS FOR WHERE I WAS LAST NIGHT I WAS IN MY HIVE DICKING AROUND TRYING TO CODE THIS VIRUS.
CG: TEREZI MESSAGED ME SOME WEIRD SHIT BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW.
CG: I DIDN’T SEE HER LAST NIGHT, I SAW HER THIS EVENING.
CG: I HADN’T EVEN SPOKEN TO HER IN AT LEAST A PERIGEE BEFORE THAT.
TA: bull2hiit vanta2 that would be 200% iimpo22iible con2iideriing how dead 2he wa2 when ii found her.
TA: no one who diied recently would be that far iintwo riigor mortii2.
TA: 2he'2 fuckiing dead KK, and ha2 been for awhiile now.
CG: THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
CG: THIS IS HORSEBEASTSHIT SHE COULD NOT HAVE BEEN DEAD THAT LONG.
CG: HAVE YOU BEEN EATING MIND HONEY AGAIN?
CG: YOU TOLD ME YOURSELF THAT YOU SHOULDN’T EAT THAT STICKY, YELLOW SLIME.
CG: IT’S ALMOST AS BAD FOR YOU AS SOPOR.
TA: no 2hiit
TA: ii diidn’t eat any damn miind honey for the record.
TA: now 2hut the fuck up and tell me the truth.
CG: I *AM* TELLING THE TRUTH NUMBNUTS!
CG: WHY ON THE SURFACE OF ALTERNIA WOULD I NEED TO LIE TO YOU?
TA: 2o ii don’t fuckiing eradiicate you
TA: becau2e iif ii fiind out that you had 2omethiing to do wiith iit
TA: ii wiill fuckiing kiill you.
CG: WHOA WHOA CALM DOWN THERE.
CG: I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU ABOUT THIS.
CG: YOU KNOW I WOULDN’T.
TA: how do ii know that?
TA: ii don’t tru2t you riight now.
TA: you 2ay you 2aw her la2t.
TA: after 2he wa2 already dead.
TA: ii don’t tru2t you
—twinArmageddons ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist—
I shoved away from my desk and stood up, roughly shoving my claws through my hair. I stormed downstairs toward the mealblock; I didn’t know what happened to her, but there was no way that she would have been dead last night, I literally saw her this evening. There was no way.
It suddenly occurred to me that the time had seemed to be frozen when I had talked to her. It had been incredibly strange. Yanking the door of the thermal hull open, I stared into it and, not surprisingly, found nothing that would help me. Why did I decide to look in the thermal hull? That was stupid.
I shut the door and sighed. Aradia had always been strange, with her morbidity and obsession with death. She would dig for bones and other “treasures” in the ground around her hive and in the ruins not far from it. It surprised no one when her and Sollux came together in the red quadrant, considering their personalities. Sollux had his thing where he heard the psychic screams of the imminently deceased, and Aradia had her thing about being able to command the dead.
Maybe that had something to do about it.
I walked back upstairs and walked over to the ablutionblock, I shut the door behind me and pulled my hair back out of my face and got really close to the reflectionpane. I stared at myself directly in the eyes to try and find any sort of color that would give me away. Now that my eyes weren’t bloodshot, I could get a better look.
I hadn’t been seeing things before, there was just a tinge of red starting to ring around my pupils.
I inhaled sharply in panic and jumped away from the reflectionpane. Shit. I was so dead. If Sollux ends up believing me and doesn’t kill me, the Imperial Drones would.
I took several deep breaths to avoid hyperventilating and sat on the floor against the wall. I had to figure out what to do. I wasn’t going to be able to stay here much longer, I was going to have to go feral most likely. My meal sac felt like it was holding a stone in it and I had to hold a hand over my mouth to avoid throwing up. I wasn’t sure if I was going to cry or throw up at this point.
Contrary to popular belief, I actually didn’t completely hate how I lived my life. I got by, I got the excuse to read books and watch movies to earn a living, my friends were idiots but I had friends, and I didn’t do anything that would draw the attention of the highbloods or the drones. I knew one day I was going to have to leave it all, but I wasn’t ready to do that.
I took another deep breath and my heart rate began to slow. When did I start wheezing? Whenever I did, it was starting to stop. After what felt like hours I stopped shaking and could breath relatively normally. I shakily stood up, leaning against the wall, and straightened. This all was really getting to me and it really needed to stop.
I walked out of the ablutionblock almost completely out of breath, I needed to figure out what to do about all of this, the nonsense and the reality, really soon.
I needed to do something about it, or I was going to lose my thinkpan.