Hell Bound

I wasn’t really looking forward to leaving Bucky alone all day. I would have canceled my meetings if so many people didn’t look forward to them. And I didn’t want anyone to become suspicious about my sudden change in routine. So once we were all ready for the day, Graham and I said goodbye and headed to the VA.

“So, what were you guys talking about last night?” I asked as I drove. “I could hear you from my room.”

“Oh, just making some observations mostly. I did most of the talking,” he explained, picking at his fingernails. “He pretty much just grunted at me and contemplated the many ways he could make my death look like an accident.”

“What kind of observations?”

“Um—well—I kind of mentioned that you seemed upset, and the right thing to do would probably be to talk to you. And he asked why I didn’t go talk to you. And I said, ‘Because I’m not the one who made her mad, dumbass.’ And then he put me in a headlock and threatened to put my hand down the garbage disposal.” I was silent for half a minute.

“Are you joking? I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

“I’m not.”

“Christ.”

“Anyway, he probably would have gone to talk to you if he could get up the stairs. He didn’t say that was the problem, but I’m pretty sure it was.”

“So—that’s it? That’s all you guys talked about?”

“No, of course not. Once I was sure I wasn’t going to lose my hand, I mentioned the—you know what we talked about before—the starry eyes thing. And he looked confused about that. I don’t think he’s used to people being able to read him.”

“He’s probably not used to visibly reacting to things. It took me weeks to get him to smile for the first time. Even longer to make him laugh.”

“Yeah, well, that too. But it seems almost like—he’s just not used to people paying much attention to him at all.” I sighed heavily.

“He’s not used to people treating him like a human being.”

“That makes a lot of sense.”

“I also think that’s why—we had the almost thing. I don’t think it was real—just that I was the first person to show him any genuine—warmth.” He shook his head.

“Nah, it’s not like that. He doesn’t look at you like that. He looks at you like you’re the most beautiful and important person in his life.”

I didn’t have anything to say to that. I knew Bucky looked at me differently, but mostly because he just kind of scowled at everyone else. Except for Steve, but he never actually made eye contact with Steve. And I knew there was affection in how he looked at me, even if he didn’t understand why. But I couldn’t imagine it being anything like that.

“I told him that,” Graham continued after my moment of silence.

“You told him what now?”

“What I just told you. I told him that he looks at you like you’re the most beautiful and important person in his life.”

“Oh.” I almost asked him how Bucky reacted to that, but I thought I already knew. He would have just put the scowl back on his face or pretended to be emotionless before making a quick escape into the other room.

“Do you want to know what he said?” Graham asked.

“Wait, he actually had a response?”

“Yeah, he did.”

“Well—does he want you to tell me what he said?” He shrugged a bony shoulder.

“Probably not. Maybe I should just keep it to myself. That way, he doesn’t kill me. You should ask him then. He’ll probably tell you.” I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel.

“Maybe.”

“He also accused me of having a thing for you,” he added.

“Did he really?”

“Yeah, and I told him, ‘That’s crazy, man. She obviously likes guys built like fucking tanks. And not puny kids.’”

“You did not tell him that.” He snorted and shook his head.

“No, I’m just fucking with you. I just said you can’t really keep things like that to yourself, you know? You never really know what’s going to happen. It’s always better to be honest about how you feel. Just in case you never get the chance to say it.”

“Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”

“That’s exactly what he said. Word for word.” I glanced at him. He was staring out the window at passing buildings but not really focusing on anything. Like he was thinking of another time and place.

“So who was it?” I asked.

“Girl I knew,” is all he said.

“What happened to her?”

“She stepped on an IED.”

“Jeez. I’m sorry.” He shrugged like it was no big deal, but it was plain to me why he was so happy all the damn time. It was how he masked his pain. I knew a lot of people like that. People who used jokes to hide their suffering.

“I just kind of figured, you know,” he started. “You still like him, and he still likes you. Even if you think he doesn’t remember. It’s obvious. Maybe if I say something, you’ll both stop being so dumb about it.”

“It’s a little more complicated than that.”

“Isn’t it always? That’s the thing about people like us. You meet someone you really like, and you don’t tell them because you think you have all the time in the world. Then they step on a bomb and die, and you spend the rest of your life regretting all the times you could have told them. But you were too dumb and scared to do it.” I nodded slowly.

“I guess you’re right.”

“Just try and give me a heads up if you guys decide to do the nasty.” And he was back. I rolled my eyes.

“The what?” He turned to give me a look that clearly said, “Don’t play with me,” and also, “You’re full of shit. You know exactly what I’m talking about,” all at once.

“I’m not an idiot,” he stated.

“I never said that you were. I’m just curious about how you came to that conclusion.” I had my eyes on the road, but I could still see him staring at me from the corner of my eye. He still had that same expression on his face. He was silent, and I finally just stuck my hand on his face and shoved him away.

“I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t in your house right now, you guys probably would have done it on the couch this morning,” he told me, laughing and righting himself.

“I was checking his stitches.”

“And sleeping next to him.”

“I had a nightmare.”

“That’s convenient.” I scoffed, but I didn’t disagree. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. I’d spent one night with Bucky. And he’d definitely exceeded my expectations. He was also the last. And it had been a while. “I just want a warning, is all.”

“I’m not going to give you a warning. What the hell do you want me to do? ‘Hey, Graham, I’m thinking of having sex tonight, so make yourself scarce.’”

“At least let me borrow your MP3 player.”

“You can have it. I never use it.”

“I don’t want to keep it. I just want to be able to face the two of you in the morning without wanting to die.”

“Don’t act like you’re a saint, okay? You’re a twenty-three-year-old male. Not a prude.” He shrugged and turned to look at the road.

“I still don’t want to hear it.”

“Just keep the damn MP3 player. It was a gift from Stark. It can hold like a bazillion songs and movies. He already loaded it up with his entire music collection and like seven movies. I’ve only ever used it on flights.”

“Fine. But only because I’m curious about what kind of music Iron Man listens to.”

“Take a wild guess. A lot of Black Sabbath and AC/DC.”

“That doesn’t surprise me at all. It doesn’t turn into anything, does it? Like it’s not going to inject me with poison if someone other than you uses it, right?”

“It’s just an MP3 player. Though he did design it. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it could shoot missiles or turn into a tiny robot.”

“That would be radical. One never knows when one might need a tiny robot.” I just shrugged.