Think of You

1987

"I do so like green eggs and ham! Thank You! Thank you, Sam I Am!" I read aloud.

All the kids began to clap their hands in excitement as I closed the book, placing it back on the bookshelf behind me. "Now-" I began. "Since our character learned to like Green Eggs and Ham, how about we try some out as well?" A couple kids made funny faces while the others looked at me excitedly. "Okay, so you all are gonna follow Ms. Kate and she's gonna get them for you all!" Before Kate could even speak, the kids started running towards the lunch area. Today was my day to read to the kids at the public library, plus I could never turn down a plate of green eggs and ham. Ever since I stopped teaching, I had plenty of time to do things. I always loved being around children, especially those that are just learning about the world of reading. It was so fun to watch their eyes light up in excitement as the characters came to life in the words and pictures. "Thank you so much for bringing the kids actual Green Eggs and Ham, Caroline." Patricia, the head librarian, spoke as she approached me. "I don't think anyone has ever done that before."

"Oh it's nothing. I used to make it for my first graders when we read the book. It was no problem at all." I smiled. "Since next week's book is If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, I was thinking of bringing the kids cookies and some milk. I mean if that's okay with you and all." I backpedaled. I didn't want to overstep my boundary. "That would be fantastic." Patricia smiled. "Thank you." I was about to speak but one of the mom's started calling her name. She quickly excused herself and walked towards the growing crowd of mothers. I knew that some of the mothers weren't fond of me but I wasn't there to make them smile. I was there to make their children smile and that's all I cared about.

I quickly gathered all my things and placed my sunglasses on my face before walking out into the Southern California heat. It was still early in the afternoon but I still had so many errands to run before I could head home. I had to pick up some groceries since the fridge and cabinets were practically bare and I also had to pay some bills that were due. I started the black Range Rover and slowly pulled out of the parking spot. I proceeded to roll down all the window and turned up the radio to listen to whatever song was on....

After completing all the errands and getting our bills paid, I finally arrived home to find several cars parked in our driveway. The gate was closed when I approached the property and I doubt Nikki removed himself from the bedroom to let them in. I remained curious as I placed the car in park and removed myself from the driver's seat. I checked out the car that was parked in front of mine, making sure it wasn't one of the guys. It was a little junky to be honest and looked like it had been involved in a number of accidents. I knew the cars that the rest of the Motley guys drove since they came over quite often, but I had no idea who the owner of this piece of scrap-metal was.

I gathered all the groceries in my arms and made my way up to the door, hearing a male and female voice coming from the other side. I could feel my cheeks starting to slightly heat up as I placed one bag on the ground so I could push open the door. "Hello?" I somewhat yelled as I struggled to pick the bag back up. "Nikki?" I yelled my husband's name. The voices stopped for a second before footsteps started to make their way towards me. Seconds later, Nikki appeared from around the corner. "Hey babe." He slurred his words a bit. "I didn't think you would be home so early." I practically shoved the bag into his chest as I picked up the one I had set down. "What?" He asked confused as I marched past him and into the home. As I got closer to the living room, the sound of whispers could be heard. I didn't know what the hell was going on but by the way Nikki's eyes were glassed over, I knew it had something to do with drugs. My intuition was right when I saw the sleezeball Nikki had gotten mixed up with standing in my living room with a cracked out looking woman. "Hey-" The guy laughed. "It's little miss killjoy." I rolled my eyes as I set the bag on the couch next to me. "You weren't supposed to be home for a while, girl." This guy was the epitome of disgust. He looked as if he hadn't showered for the past three years and his clothes looked as if they were on their last wear.

"Who is she?" The girl asked. Her eyes were just as tweaked out as Nikki's but the way she was chewing her gum was starting to piss me off. She kept chomping on it like a cow chomps on its cud. "I'm the owner of this house; who the hell are you?" I was growing more and more pissed by the second. I wasn't usually a confrontational person, hell I didn't even like cussing, but this whole situation was making me furious. A smirk found its way onto her face as she leaned against the guy. "Wouldn't you like to know." Before I could say anything or even do anything, Nikki came running back into the room. "Get the fuck out, man." He ordered. "Take your whore with you." I didn't know what came over him but I'm glad he told them before I could. "What?" The guy asked confused. "What about our deal?" He was getting angry. "You owe me, man!"

"I said to get the hell out, now!" Nikki's voice raised, causing me to jump in surprise. I could see the guy was extremely angry but Nikki was angrier. "Fuck you." The man spoke lowly as he pulled the girl past us, making sure to knock shoulders with Nikki. Seconds later, the door slammed shut, causing the picture that adorned the wall to fall. Silence fell between the two of us for a brief moment before Nikki decided to speak. "I'm sorry." He whispered. All I could do was stand there and stare at the ground. This wasn't the first time I witnessed this type of behavior. There were many times when I saw his eyes hazy and empty. There were many times when I found that man standing in a part of our house giving my husband drugs and then walking out as if he was Elvis. There were many times when I would find little baggies and choose to ignore it. "I know you're mad, Caroline." He spoke again. "I promise that this is the last time. I just needed a pick me up and that's it." My head snapped to look at him.

"A pick me up? A pick me up, Nikki?" I raised my voice. "Buying cocaine from a junkie is not a pick me up. If you want a pick me up, go outside and see the sunshine once in awhile or do something productive. Buying cocaine isn't a pick me up, it's a fucking death wish." I can't tell you how many times those words escaped through my mouth and he never listened. I don't know how many time I threatened to leave and never come back but we both knew that wasn't a choice. Nikki and I both knew that I would never leave him. I loved him too much to leave him alone. He needed me as much as I needed him.
"I promise this is the last time, baby. I promise." All I could do was look up at him and just nod my head. I knew this wasn't the last time, it was only the beginning....

A couple hours later, I found myself staring at Nikki's reflection as he got ready for Vince's party. We had only gotten the call an hour or two ago and I insisted that we attend. I figured that it would do Nikki good to get out and interact with people who cared for him instead of those just wanting his money. He kept repeating that he didn't want to go out even starting an argument over the whole ordeal. I kept repeating that it would do him good to get out for a while but he refused to listen. "You almost ready?" I finally spoke. He looked at me through the mirror and rolled his eyes. "Nik, please just do this for me?" I walked up behind him. "Everything's going to be okay." I whispered against his bare shoulder.

He stayed stiff for a second before slowly turning to face me. He encircled his arms around my waist, pulling me flush against his body. "How about we just stay here and have a party of our own." A smile appeared on his face. "Have a little wine, sit by the fire, maybe make love all night." I acted like I was considering the offer as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "That all sounds lovely but-" His face fell. "I already told Vince's current girlfriend that we would be there but we can do all that when we get home." Before he could respond, I placed a quick peck on his lips and walked away to finish getting ready....

The party didn't go as well as I had hoped for.

It all started as soon as Nikki and I walked through the door. A large cloud of smoke and the smell of booze filled the air, almost causing me to gasp for fresh air. I had been to a handful of Vince Neil parties but this one was the worst by far. There were girls running around nearly naked or completely naked, not caring that there were other people around. People were doing lines of cocaine off of tables, banisters, and each other for that matter. Last but not least, people were engaged in sexual acts all over the place. This wasn't a party, this was a drug fueled orgy. "Hey guys!" Vince's latest squeeze yelled from the top of the staircase. I watched as she stumbled over her drunken feet, almost falling to the ground once she reached the last step. "So glad you could make it." She slurred. "Help yourself to anything; mi casa is your casa!"

I just gave her a small smile before looking up towards Nikki. "Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea." I confessed. He was pissed to say the least. "You wanna head home?" He looked down at me and rolled his eyes. "You wanted me to come to this party so bad and now you wanna leave?" He questioned as he tore off his jacket. "You can go, I think I'm gonna stay." He practically threw the jacket in my face before walking off into the crowd.....