Break on Me

They say that the second time around everything becomes easier. To this, I would tell them all to suck it. The constant beeping coming from the heart machine that is currently hooked up in my brother's chest has not become any less shrill this time than the first. Watching his hair slowly fade away until it eventually is completely gone is only harder. The road ahead does not seem to be smoother knowing what obstacles stand in the way, but harder knowing exactly what bumps in the road there will be, not being able to turn around to avoid the danger and finding a better path. It feels like that instant you get onto a rollercoaster and are strapped in- the fear finds its way to you even though you know what to expect, there is no turning back.

I sigh deeply staring at the sleeping shell of a man in front of me knowing just how strong he is, but fearing that this time around I will not be strong enough. Just four years ago we were sitting in the same hospital finally awakening from the nightmare that plagued us for 3 years before, hearing the news of remission. We thought that we would never find ourselves back for the same sickness that caused so much pain in the past. But yet here we are again, sitting through chemo only this time it is just me and him. The other three bodies that sat with us are gone; mom and dad literally. And Kip, our oldest brother, lost to PTSD and a damn motorcycle club. I scuff at the thoughts and try to put a smile on my face when I see Luke' eyes flutter open.

"Hey how are you feelin?" I ask in a sweet voice, knowing that if I tried to use my real one it would come out in choked sobs.

"Well considering I'm getting chemo, I would say pretty shitty." He says back humor lacing his words. I never can understand how his attitude stays so amazingly positive, while I'm one second away from throwing up the entire contents of my stomach.

"Very true, I was about to go grab a book out of the car, is there anything you need before I head out?" I ask.

"No thanks I'm probably just gonna pass out again, and wait till this is over." Luke says back, already closing his eyes.

As I walk out of the room I feel my composure start to slip and hurry around the corner so no one is able to see me break down. As I find my way down the hallway and I run into what feels like a brick wall.

I end up on the ground when the figure in front of me opens his mouth to speak, but I can't hear a word he says. I'm too busy staring into what I feel like is my reflection in the mirror. I see blue eyes that are hollow and empty that have a permanent red tint in them that have either come from crying or trying to numb out the pain that caused the tears in the first place.

"I'm sorry I wasn't lookin where I was goin darlin'" I finally process what the man was saying to me. I just nod and turn around to get out of the hallway before my tears threaten to spill over.

The bright light shines on my already hot skin as I finally make it through the door of the hospital. I inhale a deep breath as I stride across the parking lot unlocking the car, and quickly get in.

The sobs fly out before I can have time to even process the emotions that are coming. This continues on for a grand total of 3 minutes until a force myself to stop, fix my appearance in the mirror and grab my book out of the bag on the passenger seat. I finally find my composure and make my way back inside, hoping that I can avoid any more human contact for the rest of the day.

The days passed on the same; bringing Luke to the hospital, breaking down in private, and finding myself slowly falling into a dark place I cannot be in. I've seen the man with the tortured eyes again a few times pacing around the pediatric wing, and can't help but feel sorry for him and wish I knew what caused his pain.

I flip the page to my book absent mindedly, when I hear Luke's strong voice speak up.

"You know, Kip should know what's going on."

My heart aches knowing that my brother is right, but not wanting to talk to the other. Kip and I always had a great relationship and he was actually the peace keeper between me and my twin Luke when our childhood fights turned sour. After Kip's tour and injury, he cut off his family refusing to talk to us even when our parents passed away in the accident a year ago. I now only see Luke as my brother, and not the mechanic who acts like his motorcycle club is his family instead of us.

"You're right, I'll talk to him eventually." I manage to get out, after going through the motions in my head.

"Lilah" he says knowing that his tone will change my mind.

"Fine I'll talk to him when I go get lunch." I say with a huff resembling my days as an overdramatic teenager.

"atta girl." Is all Luke says to me before turning the tv on.

The rest of the morning goes by smoothly, but my heart starts to pound when I find myself in front of TM Motors. I am gripping the steering wheel, the whites on my knuckles showing, until I find the courage to get out of the car. As I get closer I notice that the building seems to be quiet enough to be closed. I go to turn around and head back to my car and mutter out, "Well I tried." When I hear a bang come from behind me. Jumping, I turn around to see a woman who seems to be around her mid-50s with raven black hair and a blonde streak staring at me from inside the garage.

"Can I help you?" the woman asks in the most passive aggressive tone I have ever heard in my life. I almost just turn around and run back to my car, until I remember that I came here for Luke.

"Um yeah actually I was looking for Edward?" I finally manage to stutter out. Edward being kip's real name, I figured he used in the professional world. However professional this "shop" seemed to be.

"Edward? Oh, you mean kip?" The woman says finally after a pause.

I only nod my head back. When she gives me a once over look, causing my cheeks to flush from the intimidation that was radiating off of her tall frame.

"Half-sack!" The woman yells. I throw her a questioning look, but I see Kip walk into the garage. I hadn't seen him in over two years but he still looked the exact same. His curly hair was a bit longer than it had been in his military past, and his skin was a darker gold than I had remembered but the guilt still lingered in his eyes.

"Lilah? What are you doing here?" He finally asks, wiping his greasy hands on his loose jeans.

I try to find my voice to get the news out but settle with the small one I find instead, "Its Luke, he's sick again."

I see his eyes start to get glossy, but before he can speak an older man with grey hair and piercing blue eyes comes out into the garage.

"Half-sack I need you inside, there's a mess that needs cleanin." The tall man says, but not before checking me out from head to toe. I feel self-conscious in my short jean shorts, and grey tank top but try to ignore it so I can focus on the talk with Kip.

Without even missing a beat I see Kip turn to walk back inside, with this motion I am stuck standing there with my mouth hanging open. I cannot believe he would turn his back on this conversation to go clean up a "mess." I feel all of my anger that I have repressed start to bubble up into my chest and make my way towards the door ready to unleash it all onto my brother. Before I can make it the lady grabs me in the arm causing to whip my head around in confusion.

"Trust me honey, you should not go in there." I can see sympathy in her eyes, knowing she had heard what I said to kip, but I couldn't see past my ager and just ripped my arm out of her grasp,

"What I should and should not do, is not up to you." I glare at her as she throws her arms up in defeat, but with a hint of amusement on her face.

"How fucking dare you. How dare you walk away from me!" I yell as I make my way inside not bothering to care about the looks that I'm getting from the men dressed in leather vests.

Kip whips his head up to find that the voice is directed at him and walks his way over to me, "Not here Lilah." He silently pleads.

"Are you kidding?" I continue to shout, "You think I give a goddam about what your motorcycle club thinks about me? I care what my family thinks about me, and right now your family thinks you are a piece of shit!" Words are now just spewing out of my mouth, "how can you abandon us after losing our parents? And now not even taking the time to talk about your brother who is now battling cancer for the second time?! How can you even look at yourself?" I say now throwing my hands up and hitting him in the chest, when he has no response for me.

I feel myself being pulled away from my brother who now looks as pale as a ghost, sadness creeping into his eyes. I turn to hit the body the dragged me away from the therapeutic fit I was throwing, when I realized the eyes staring down at me. The same tortured eyes from the hospital. I now realize he is also wearing a vest as well.

"come on darlin' let's go cool down, yeah?" The man says to me, when I stare at him with the same murderous glare I was throwing at my brother seconds ago.

I barely make it out of the garage when I find myself getting nauseous and bending over to throw up all of the stress that my body cannot any longer hold.

I feel a strong hand on my back as I heave and once I'm done I turn around to finally get a good look at this stranger who has now seen me at two of my weakest points.

"I'm so sorry, I just lost it. I promise I'm not always this-psychotic." I say not able to hide the embarrassment from my face and my voice.

The man who I now notice has a thick blonde beard to match his shoulder length blonde hair, just smiles and says, "I have seen much worse than that, without a doubt. Don't sweat it." I am thankful that the man does not push it, and apologize once more before turning and making my way back to my car. With my luck as soon as I turn on my engine it sputters a few times only to completely fail on me. I grow angry once again, "for one fucking second can I catch I break." I am snapped out of my thoughts by a knock on the window, rolling it down I see the man once more.

"I heard your car from across the lot, good thing you are at a mechanics place." He states with a smile on his face.

"I don't have any time for this I have to get back to the hospital, is there any chance you guys have any loaner cars around here?" I ask feeling the stress begin to seep its way back into my body, knowing that I had to get back to Luke.

"I can give ya a ride darlin', I'm heading there any way myself. Wouldn't mind you hopping on the back of my bike and holding onto me." He offers, with a small smirk on his face from the beginning of his statement.

I huff, and find myself reluctantly agreeing, and getting out of the car.