And Love Said No

Esme stood over her suitcase and stared blankly. She was clueless. With her hand knotted in her hair, she remained pensive. She didn't know why she had let herself in this mess by telling Ville she was leaving the country yesterday. Part of her wanted to leave so that she could move past all of the drama. But part of her wondered if she was overreacting, if she could get past things without sacrificing her life.

She flinched when the front door slammed. “Esmeralda Nikula.” Jussi’s voice was firm, and she could hear the anger boiling beneath.

“In here!” She called out from the bedroom.

He was in the doorway within seconds. His usually styled hair hung softly behind a bandana wrapped around his forehead, and he had peeled off layers of clothing on his way to her. He looked sternly at her, while Esme waited for an explanation. “You’re moving to LA? When the hell were you gonna tell me?”

Shit. “Uh, soon.” At that, he eyed the half-empty suitcase on the​ bed, and she quickly assured, “I was gonna tell you, Jus.”

“Are you really gonna run from him?”

“Is that really the only explanation?” she asked as she threw another shirt into the suitcase. She absentmindedly roamed the room picking up other clothes to avoid eye contact.

“It’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?”

“No, I’m going away for business--”

“That fucking bullshit may have worked for Ville--and I doubt that it did--but it sure as hell is not gonna fool me.”

She bit her lip and turned to face him. “He cheated.”

“So what? You don’t care about that--not really, not as much as you’re making it out to be.”

“How could you say that?”

“Because if you did, you wouldn’t have kissed him or spent the night at his place. And you sure as hell wouldn’t have defended him to Jonna like that.”

“I’m hurt, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving him.”

“Jonna told you that it was her doing. He apologized. What more do you want from him? You know what--I don’t even care. Be with him, don’t be with him. I don’t fucking care. But don’t run. Fucking Christ. You’d live on the moon if it was possible just so that you could be so far away from him!”

“Why are you so upset about me moving?” Jussi stopped short and cocked a brow. “I was going to tell you that I’m leaving.”

“When? As you’re boarding the flight? We've been living in the same city for 30 years, you’re basically my sister, not even my cousin. Lately, you've been evasive and shutting me out, and I've given you the space you wanted but this is ridiculous. You didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me that you’re moving halfway across the world. Who knows when I’m going to see you again?”

“Jussi, I--”

“Whatever. Do whatever the hell you want.” He held up his hand to stop her excuses and left the apartment, slamming the door on his way out.

___

It was the third night of Helldone. New Year’s Eve. Esme stood at the backstage door, trying to convince herself that she needed to be here tonight. With a deep breath, she brushed past security and down the familiar hallway. She had spent the better part of two hours earlier in the day debating whether to be here. She wanted to see her friends, and Missy would definitely suspect something if she hadn’t made an appearance. But she dreaded seeing Ville and Jussi knowing how she left things with them. Jussi hadn't been home since earlier that day when they had fought, and she hadn’t seen Ville since yesterday. She couldn’t leave the country without settling things with her cousin, and if she didn’t see him tonight, he would definitely bring up her absence from the biggest party of the year the next time they saw each other.

Missy caught her by the waist as soon as she walked in and gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “Hey, miss thang.”

“Hello to you, too.” Esme smiled at her inebriated friend.

“You’ve been talk of the town.”

“Uh oh.”

“Mhmm. Trouble. Let's talk.” she took her hand and led her down the hallway to the back door.

Jussi nudged Ville’s knee with his own. “You’re moping.” Ville grunted to acknowledge him but didn’t say more. “Quit moping. Go talk to her.”

“And say what exactly? ‘Don’t leave because I’m still in love with you?’”

“Sure, what’s wrong with that?”

“Because she already knows that, Jussi, and she doesn’t care. She’s willing to look past the years of our relationship because of my fuckup. I mean, I know I fucked up, but… but I love her. I don’t know what else to do, what else to say to make her forgive me.”

“It’s not that she doesn’t care, it’s that she’s stubborn as hell and she doesn’t want to admit it. Of course she still loves you, too.”

Villee threw a look and dismissed the idea by opting to gulp down the rest of his beer. He watched as Esme left the room seconds after she'd come in.

Missy led her down the hallway to the back door. The alley was cordoned off by the club to afford some privacy from wandering fans. People seeking fresh air from the green room opted to take a break here, ironically for a smoke.

“How are you already so drunk?” Esme asked with a laugh.

“New Year's calls for a celebration. But this whole situation between you and Ville is really bringing the mood down, mainly because it means you aren't going to enjoy tonight.” Esme scoffed at the idea, but Missy continued. “So, let's sort it out. Starting with what happened last night.”

“Missy, it's nothing really. I'm handling it--”

“What? By kissing him then running away the next minute?”

“I'm not running away! God, why does everyone keep saying that?” Missy glared knowingly, and Esme looked down at her fidgeting hands. “I don't- I don't know what to do.”

Esme wiped her tears away and reached for the cigarettes in her purse. After taking a long drag, she continued. “Ville, he's… everything. I love him. But after what happened, I just don't know if he still loves me. And I know Jonna had a hand in it, but … the fact that he was tempted is unsettling.”

“I understand, and I'd honestly support whatever it is you decide to do. The problem is that I don't think you're wholeheartedly excited or interested in this move to Los Angeles.” Missy added, “As much as I'd love that you were closer to West Chester, I don't think that's what you want.”

“I don't even know anymore. This whole thing is fucking everything up. Got in a big fight with Jus over it, and I'm too distracted to write and finish my book. It just doesn't have an ending, nothing that ties a neat little bow the way my manager wants. And to top it all off, I went to his place at 3am and kissed him because, you know, things weren't complicated before.” She threw her hands up in exasperation.

Missy smirked. “I honestly don't know what to tell you.”

“No opinion on this?”

“Oh, I have an opinion, you're just not gonna like it.”

“Try me.”

“Well, I think at this point, you've gotten past the Jonna thing. Now you're just afraid of commitment and projecting your fears onto his actions. You said it yourself that you were worried about things when you were planning the wedding. Nothing has changed those feelings.”

“You're right.” Esme snuffed her cig and opened the door to head back inside. “I'm not gonna like it. C'mon, I need a drink.”

“How else do you explain it?” she asked as they continued down the hallway.

“That you're surprisingly coherent for as drunk as you are.”

Missy playfully smacked her arm. Mige came out of the green room as they approached. “Hey, I was just looking for you. I need help with something.”

“Uh, sure, what is it?” Esme clarified.

Mige eyed Missy as he fumbled with an answer, but she quickly excused herself. “I’m gonna go check on Bam. It’s a little too quiet around here.”

Esme looked to Mige for an explanation. “Uh, it’s more something for you to see, I don’t really know how to put it in words.”

Esme squinted her eyes in suspicion, but when Mige turned wordlessly, she followed him down the hallway. They stopped at a door, one of the other green rooms presumably. He motioned for her to enter first and she did, only to see Ville and Jussi standing there. Before she could escape the impending confrontation, Jussi slipped out of the room, stopping only to instruct them to sort things out.

“We're supposed to be on stage soon!” Ville called out.

“Well then you better get to it!” Mige replied through the closed door. “Kiss and make up!”

“What ruse did Jussi use to get you in here?” Esme asked, wanting to have the conversation rather than sulk in silence.

“That we were getting more beers.”

“And that worked?”

Ville shrugged and made a face. “You?”

“Mige said he needed help with something, but he couldn’t tell me what exactly… I’m surprised he didn’t have anything more imaginative.”

“Must have been desperate to get us talking.” Ville walked to the left end of the room and slid down the wall.

Esme awkwardly stood in the center of the room, playing with her hands. “I almost thought you had some grand gesture.”

“No, I’m giving you the space you wanted.” Ville looked up at her. “Besides, you’re not one to be moved by such things.”

She smirked. “Yeah, that’s true.”

She approached and sat down inches away from him. Their eyes were on the floor. She fixated on his tattered black converse with the shoelaces barely hanging in a bow. With their legs outstretched in front of them, the difference in their height was apparent: her legs reached just beyond his knees, since he was nearly a foot taller than her.

“You remember what I said to you the night I called off my wedding?” He broke the silence.

“Clearly.”

“What?”

“That love was supposed to be a happy thing, but she didn’t make you happy…” she added dryly, “Not one of your more creative moments.”

“I was running on empty by then.” he dismissed. “What else did I say?”

“That I made you happy.”

He turned to face her and reminded her. “That every time I looked at her, I only saw your face. That every time I closed my eyes, I only saw you. I wanted to spend every waking moment with you, and I wanted to dream of only you.”

“I remember.”

“I still do. You are a part of me, Esme. I don’t know who I am without you. I fucked that up. I know, and I’m sorry. But there’s never going to be anyone else for me.”

When she didn’t say anything, he kissed her. Pulling her close, he whispered in her ear. “I’m not going to leave you.”

Her forehead rested on his shoulder to prevent the tears from bleeding on his shirt. He was right. She was being reckless. Foolish. She couldn’t move halfway across the globe. Not when her heart was here. Not when her best friend was here. She readjusted to face him but didn’t move out of his embrace. “Neither will I.”