Tonight the World Dies

Over the next couple of days I held onto my anger towards Beks. It's not that I was necessarily angry with her I was just upset that she didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth about what was going on.

A took me a week to realize if I didn't do something I was going to lose her. She had told us Jake blocked all of our numbers and so the only thing to do that sounded reasonable was to get her a phone on my own plan so we could keep in contact with her. At first she refused my gift, and then she took it graciously. She told me she would pay me back somehow but the only think I wanted from her was to leave Jake. Of course, she refused. I knew I had to keep trying though.

I came home that day to find Gena waiting for me on the couch. "Where have you been?" She asked me kindly.

I shrugged. "I went to see Beks."

"How is she?" Gena asked, concerned.

"She's good," I lied.

Gena stood up and walked over to me as I put my keys down and walked into the kitchen. "Let's go out and do something tonight," she suggested.

I grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and opened it before replying. "I don't really feel like it," I told her.

"Can you please stop giving me the cold shoulder?" She asked.

I took a gulp of beer. "I'm not."

"Yes, you are!" Gena yelled. I couldn't tell if she was hurt or angry, or maybe both. "You have been ever since you asked me to marry you! I asked if we could still be together and you said yes, so if you don't want to be with me just tell me!"

I rolled my eyes. "It's not like that, Gena." I was calm; I didn't want to argue with her.

"Then what's it like?" She asked me, shoving her hand on her hips.

I didn't have an answer for her. I loved her, but I was hurt. I wanted to be with her, but I was angry. Instead of telling her this I just shook my head and began to walk out of the kitchen.

She grabbed my shoulder and turned me back to face her with force. Her eyes were on fire as she said, "You do not get to walk away from me right now, Zack! Tell me what's going on! I fucking deserve it!"

I slammed my beer down on the counter so hard I thought the bottle was going to bust. "You deserve it? Are you fucking kidding me? I told you I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, Gena! I completely opened up to you and let you in and you know how hard that is for me! And you fucking rejected me like a dog on the street! I don't owe you anything."

"I didn't reject you, Zack! You've got to stop thinking like that!" She retorted. "I want to be with you! I want to marry you but not right now. Not six months after your best friend died! You asked me for all the wrong reasons and you know it! I'm not rejecting you, Zack! I could never reject you." She grabbed my waist and pulled me into her. "I love you."

I reluctantly wrapped my arms around her as she laid her head on my shoulder. I planted a kiss on her head as she began to cry. "I'm sorry," I murmured.

She sniffled and I knew she was silently crying even though I couldn't see her face. "It's fine," she said. "I know I hurt you when I told you I didn't want to marry you. But it's not just black and white, it's complicated. You asked me three weeks after Jimmy's death. Tell me that didn't have a role in why you asked me."

I sighed. "Of course it did. But that doesn't mean that I didn't mean it when I asked you. I fucking love you and I want to spend my life with you."

"Then why can't we wait?" Gena asked me.

I shook my head and slightly pulled away from her, she let me this time. "Like you said, it's not just black and white."

"What does that mean? If you love me you love me. What's not black and white about that?"

"You hurt me, Gena. My best friend fucking died and then the love of my life rejected me."

"I didn't reject you!" She argued.

"Technicality." I scoffed. She was right; she never said the word "no" so I guess she didn't
technically reject me. Except it felt like she did; she didn't said "yes" or "one day" either.

"So what? Is this how our life together is going to be from now on? You're just going to keep giving me the cold shoulder and I'm going to have to kiss your ass for the rest of my life begging you to forgive me."

"Yeah, you're going to have to deal with me being angry or hurt or whatever the fuck it is I'm feeling towards you right now until I figure it out. And if you can't do that then I guess it's a good thing you didn't agree to marry me!" I shot at her.

She sucked in a sharp breath and looked away from me. I knew I could have - should have tried harder to forgive her but I just didn't have it in me at the moment. After a few more moments of silence I sighed and grabbed her hand. "Baby, I'm sorry." I told her. She still didn't look at me. "I know I've been rough on you for a while. I just need you to give me some more time, okay? I'll try to ease up and be warmer towards you. I love you. I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either," she whispered.

I put my finger under her chin and directed her face so she was looking at me. "It's not always going to be like this, okay?"

She nodded and I brought her lips to mine and then embraced her when we pulled apart.