Tonight the World Dies

Things were going great. After a few days at the hospital the guys and I were finally able to talk Beks into leaving Jake. We decided it would be best for her to stay with one of us so we could keep an eye on her. I wanted her to stay with me, but Matt was able to have more of a strong hand when it came to her. He was able to be mean, and not give in when it came to her. I wasn't. I knew what was best for her, but it was hard for me to be hard on her like she needed sometimes. It’s always been hard for me to be tough on her, even in high school. I always let her have her way, which now that I think about it is probably how she was able to get away with stealing my favorite Iron Maiden shirt in middle school. Spoiled brat.

​​​We moved her in as soon as we possibly could, and kept her busy for most of the time. No one wanted her to miss Jake enough to want to go back to him. She knew that he was no good for her, it was just going to take some time to move on and we were going to be there for her while she worked through it.

​​​Gena, Michelle and Lacey left for Paris a few days ago. They asked Beks to go, and I was surprised at how happy I was when she said she wanted to stay in Huntington Beach. Paris would be a good way to get her mind off Jake, I should have wanted her to go but I wasn't ready to be away from her like that yet. I just got her back, I wasn't ready for her to leave and I wasn't ready to leave her.

​​​Things were okay between Gena and me, but not well enough for me to want her to stick around Huntington Beach. I was so conflicted when it came to my emotions towards her. I loved her, I knew I loved her but I didn't know if I loved her for the right reasons.

​​​A part of me secretly wondered if I only loved her the way I did because we had been together for so long. Another part of me wondered if her rejecting my proposal was a sign that we shouldn't be together. But if all that was true, why was I so hurt that she didn't agree to marry me? Maybe I was just scared of being alone; I wasn't sure. I tried not to think about it.

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I laid in my bed after the movie night with Beks. She was fast asleep in the guest room but I couldn't turn my mind off. I was finally beginning to doze off when I heard Beks shrieking in the guest room.

​​​I jumped out of bed and ran into the room. She was having a nightmare and was screaming my name over and over. I sat next to her on the bed and shook her awake as she called out Jakes name.

​​​"Beks, are you awake?" I asked her. "Are you okay?"

​​​It took her a few moments to register where she was, but when she did she rubbed her eyes. "Bad dream," she told me.

​​​"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked her. "You were calling out my name and...and Jakes."

​​​"I wasn't calling for him out of yearning," She explained. I felt a weight lift off my chest that I didn't even know was there. I was worried she wasn't over Jake, but if she wasn't yelling for him because she missed him then maybe she was more over him than I thought.

​​​I decided not to bring it up. "Do dreams like this happen a lot?"

​​​She shook her head. "No, this is the only one. I think it's just because I saw him today."

​​​"Well, yesterday." I corrected attempting to make light of the situation.

​​​She glanced at the clock and back at me. "I'm going to get some water and cool down a bit," She told me, she pulled the blankets from her and got out of bed.

​​​"Want some company?" I asked, suddenly I didn't want to be away from her. I think it was because of the bad dream she had but I wasn't certain about anything anymore.

​​​She rejected my offer before saying, "Go back to sleep. Really, I'm fine. Sorry I woke you."

​​​"It's okay." I told her. I didn't bother mentioning the fact that I wasn't exactly asleep when she began to scream for me. She walked out of the room and I sat in the guest room for a brief moment before walking back to my own bedroom.

​​​I sat down on the edge of the bed but had no desire of getting in it. I sat in silence and darkness until I heard Beks walk back up the stairs. I wanted her near me. I wanted her near me and it wasn't just because I wanted to know she was safe throughout the night. I wanted her near me because I craved it. I craved her.

​​​I heard the bathroom door open and close and then the sink began to run. I should crawl into bed and ignore how bad I wanted her beside me but I couldn't. A few moments later the bathroom door opened again. Before I knew what I was doing I was jumping off the bed.

​​​"Beks," I called.

​​​She poked her head in the door way, "Yeah?"

​​​I noticed her eyes traveling across my chest before they met mine. I fought the urge to smirk. ​​"Come sleep with me," it was meant as an offer but came out as a sort of demand. "I think, maybe, you'd sleep better with someone beside you." I tried to tell myself that was the only reason I wanted her in bed with me but I knew it wasn't no matter how hard I tried to deny it.

​​​She didn't answer me immediately and then she declined my offer. "It's okay, I'm okay."

​​​She was chewing on her lip so I knew the thought was tempting to her. The dream she had must have really freaked her out. I put my hand on the small of her back and insisted. "We used to share a bed all the time."

​​​I silently wondered if I said that to help her get into bed with me or if I was telling myself so I wouldn't feel bad about inviting Beks into my bed while Gena was away. Of course, it wasn't a lie. Beks and I were constantly sharing a bed when we were in school but I don't think Gena would be happy with it no matter how many times we did it before. I don't think she would care much for the *but she's just my best friend* reasoning, especially since things had been so rocky between us lately.

​​​I pushed the thoughts from my head and wrapped my arm around Beks's waist and began to doze off easily. Moments later I felt Beks shift beside me. I pulled her closer to me, and she shifted again. I peeked one eye at her and noticed she was laying there with her eyes wide open.

​​​"Beks," I whispered after closing my eyes again, "go to sleep."
She shifted again and I could feel her breath on me. "Zack," she whispered after a few more minutes.

​​​"Hm?" Was all I could muster. I couldn't even gain the energy to open my eyes. She didn't reply and so I very slowly opened one eye, worried that she was upset about something. "What's wrong?"

​​​We stared at each other for a long moment, and then she did the unthinkable.

​​​She took my mouth into hers slowly. She kissed me for a few moments, and just as I started to kiss her back she pulled away from me.

​​​I could only stare at her, unsure of what to make out of what just happened. I didn't know what was going through her mind, but I knew what was going through mine.

​​​A fire ripped though me and I pulled her back to me. I tightened my grip around her waist and I kissed her again. She immediately kissed me back, running her hand against my bare stomach, sending chills down my spine.

​​​I kissed her greedily before eventually forcing myself to stop. As much as I wanted - craved this I couldn't do it to Gena. Even if things weren't good between us, I wasn't a cheater. I pulled away from Beks though I didn't want to.

​​​"We should get some sleep," I whispered.

​​​She nodded and flipped over so her back was facing me. I dozed off with thoughts of both penitence and euphoria ripping through me.

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The next day I woke and Beks was still sleeping soundly beside me. I watched her sleep for a few minutes before deciding I should get up and shower. I gently got out of bed, grabbed a clean pair of boxers out of my drawer and headed for the bathroom.

​​​Thoughts of last night clouded my brain as I showered. I wasn't sure how I felt about the situation. Beks and I have been best friends since seventh grade, so it was expected that one - or both - of us would develop feelings. But we already went thought that in high school. I had fallen for her and she had fallen for me but she didn't want to chance fucking up our friendship so nothing never came out of it. Since then, those feelings I had for her were pushed deep down until I forgot about them completely. So why now after all these years were they coming back?

​​​I turned the shower off and grabbed a towel. I began to dry myself off quickly. I needed to speak to Beks about what happened before I thought about it too much.

​​​I pulled my boxers on and walked out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. My heart fell when I realized she had done it again. She ran out on me the morning after prom and she ran out on me this morning.

​​​I turned on my heel and walked down stairs, hoping maybe she was just down stairs. She wasn't.

​​​Have I mentioned that hope breeds eternal misery?


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Over the next couple of days Beks was all I could think about. I didn't call her or text her, but I did receive a text from her on the third day. I was too caught up in my mixed emotions to reply to her.

​​​I was hurt that she left without saying anything. After all, she was the first one to kiss me. She kissed me first on prom night and she kissed me first last night. And that made me angry because she could never make up her mind about what she wanted. Which made me frustrated, but towards myself because I couldn't make my mind up about what I wanted either. I loved Gena but if Beks was willing to give me a chance...

​​​I stopped thinking. She didn't give me a chance in high school and she wasn't going to give me a chance now. And even if she did, why should I accept it? I was with Gena and Gena loved me. Was I supposed to throw everything I had – no, have with Gena so I could be with Beks?
​​Did I even really want to be with her? I didn't know.

​​​I needed to clear my head, but in a situation like this there was no such thing. I was so confused and angry and hurt. Why hadn't Beks tried to contact me other than that one text? Also, who the fuck sends someone 'hey' as if everything is normal when it's not? Did she want to keep everything that happened hush-hush and pretend that it never happened? I didn't know if I could put myself through that again.

​​​Either way, if I was going to stay with Gena, I had to tell her, right? It was the right thing to do. Hell, telling her the truth would be the right thing to do even if I decided I didn’t want to be with her anymore.

​​​On day five of being consumed in thought, I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. I didn't know what I was going to say, and if I was being totally honest I was hoping she wouldn't answer the door. It was just that, if I went to Matt's and she wasn't there at least she'd get the message that I stopped by and the ball would be in her court.

​​​When I pulled up at Matt's, his truck was gone but hers was there. I groaned, but then remembered she and Matt could have gone together somewhere and so maybe she wasn't inside. I got out of the car and walked to the door. I stood there for what seemed like hours before reaching up to knock on the door.

​​​Before my knuckles could make contact with the door, however, it was wrenched open and Beks stood there in front of me. I silently cursed myself as she stared at me.

​​​What the fuck was I supposed to say to her now?
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