A Little Bit Older

When I was in college, chasing boys had always been fun. It was a thing I’d done for shits and giggle. The girls and I would pick targets and see who could flirt their way into someone’s bed by the end of the night. It was a stupid game. Nowadays, when I get in touch with my college girlfriends, we all look back on our silliness and laugh. We’d all agreed that we were too old to be chasing boys.

That concept – that I was too old to chase a man – was the main reason why I’d had such a hard time dating I think. I didn’t know how to play along with the dating game and all the unwritten rules of attraction. That being said, I was now throwing caution to the wind and doing the very thing which I always thought I was too good for.

“Matt!” I yelled getting out of my car and waving at him as he sat in his backyard by his pool.
He shook his head and walked towards the house trying to pretend I wasn’t there. I walked around to the back porch of his house, opened the sliding door, and headed towards his basement where I could hear music playing from. It was a good thing he had a large privacy fence around his house otherwise his neighbors would probably call the cops on me.

“Please don’t ignore me.” I started when I finally found him sitting on his basement couch drinking a beer.

“Rubes, I need some space right now.” He sighed not making eye contact with me.

“You can have your space when I’m in North Carolina. I need you to talk to me right now though.” I said sternly leaving no room for conversation about the matter. We were talking down and he wasn’t getting out of it.

“What about?” He asked and before I could even find the words that I had wanted to say I walked across the room and pressed my lips against his.

Before he had time to react, I pulled away and sat down next to him on the couch. “I like you,” I started grabbing his free hand and holding it with both of mind while taking a deep breath. “Please don’t run away from me.”

“Is that all you had to say?” He asked as though he was completely unfazed by everything that had occurred.

“What do you want from me?” I asked staring at him in disbelief feeling my courage dissolve around me and my resolve starting to break. It wasn’t a good idea to come here. I should’ve just let him walk away. It was a lot easier to have someone walk out and never look back than to have someone tell you face to face they wanted nothing to do with you.

“I want space. That’s all.” He said angrily pulling his hand away from me and taking a large swig from his beer bottle.

“I can’t give you that.” I answered trying to hide the waiver in my voice. I needed to at least pretend that I was strong right now. I had to try and get him to see things from my view.

“What the fuck is up with you?” He asked bitterly and I bit the inside of my lip trying to ignore the harshness. “You didn’t want a relationship and now you won’t leave me alone. Just leave.”

“No.” I said firmly. “I’m not leaving. You can’t say you want to be with me and then leave.”

“Well I just did, so actually I can.” He bit back and I bit down harder on my lip.

“Why?” I asked and my desperation finally broke through and showed on my face. “What is so wrong with being in a relationship with me?”

“Don’t fucking cry on me. Okay, it wasn’t supposed to be serious and now it is so I’m calling it. I can’t do this.”

“That’s not how this works. You can’t just call game over.”

“It’s not a game anymore, Ruby.” He sighed exasperated glaring at me.

“Then don’t quit and run away. Take it seriously.”

“I don’t want serious.” He exclaimed standing up and moving around the room.

“What do you want?” I asked softly staring at him as he paced back and forth. His nervous energy took us so much space in the room that I wanted to disappear. I wanted to curl up into myself and let him have his way.

“I want to be alone.”

“So you don’t want me here?” I asked knowing the answer. This – this attitude – was the reason I was single and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself from letting it shine though. It was like I was trying to get myself hurt and I knew that I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

“No. I want you to leave. We’re not doing this anymore.” My breath hitched in my throat when I heard him finally it.

“If I leave, then that’s that.” I said before I could stop myself. I didn’t mean it – it was an empty threat. I couldn’t leave him behind like that. Not him, not the boys. I needed them in my life. But I let the words slip out because I needed it finalized. I needed him to admit he didn’t want me in his life. I needed him to ruin all my hope of being together.

“Fine. Then go. I don’t care.” He gestured to the stairs and I nodded.

“Okay.” I said simply and got up from the couch and walked to the steps. It was definite. He didn’t care so I couldn’t care. I had to maintain my resolve. I had to follow through. My feet felt like anvils and each step took so much effort.

When I got to my car, I rested my head on the steering wheel and took a deep breath. I wasn’t sure what I just did but I’m sure I’d made matters worse. I was back to square one: single and lonely. Although, now it was worse because I knew what I was missing.

I could feel tears filling up in my eyes and I blinked them away rapidly before starting the car. I wouldn’t cry here – not where he could potentially see me. I needed to go home and get productive. I would clean the house, do laundry, read up some paperwork for the following week, wrap Christmas gifts, pack a suitcase for my week in North Carolina. I would do everything possible to distract myself from what had just happened, I told myself.

When I got home, I didn’t feel better so I started working. I worked on whatever I could possibly find to do and by the time evening rolled around I had exhausted every possibility. I made myself a large dinner – even though I wasn’t hungry – because the act of cooking took up time and provided a much-welcomed distraction.

After I finished eating, and cleaning up from dinner, and putting away the leftovers, I finally broke and called Meghan.

“Hey, what’s up?” She answered and I stared at the wall trying to figure out how best to phrase my reply. “Ruby?” She asked after I waited a couple seconds.

“I think…” I started before sighing lightly, “I think that I fucked it all up, Meg.”

“What do you mean?” She asked and I explained everything that had happened.

“So you’re not even fake dating now?” She asked at the end for clarification.

“Yupp.” I answered sadly popping the p like a small child.

“Come over.” She concluded. “Come hang out with Theo and I. Do you mind if I explain to Zack? I think we need a new approach.” She explained and I paused to think about it.

“I dunno… I just think maybe it’d be better to give it up. Laissez-tomber, you know?”

“No, no. I’m not letting you do that again. Either you come here or we’re all coming to you.”

“It’s not my choice though. I can’t decide that he’s going to fall in love with me and we’re going to live happily ever after. If this is what he wants, I need to respect that.”

“No. You don’t. He’s being stupid. We’ll be there in like 5 minutes.” She responded before clicking off the call and I sighed. I shouldn’t have called her.