A Little Bit Older

After Valentine’s Day, I had finally agreed to go to the doctor. Turns out I had a sinus infection and needed an antibiotic. But after a short week, I was better again. It was exhausting being sick for so long, but Matt had made sure that he let everyone know that I was sick and needed time to get better. I still went to work since it wasn’t terrible, but Julie had been helping make sure that I got off on time and wasn’t working insane amounts of overtime. I had never worked so much overtime before in my life, but the environment was so much different between working in the states and working back in France that I often felt like I couldn’t leave the lab. Ultimately, Matt had given me a long ultimatum though about how I needed to focus on my health before I focused on my lab work. He even went so far as to threaten talking to my boss if I didn’t agree to take more time for myself.
Because of it all though, I was feeling much better. I’d even let him talk me into taking a Friday off work so we could spend the day together. It hadn’t been hard though for him to convince me since I still felt like I’d ruined his Valentine’s day plans. He assured me though that a day filled of video games was a nice relaxing Valentine’s Day regardless, although I knew he could do that most days.

We had gone on a morning jog together and then gotten lunch at a small coffee store and we were now headed back to my house. I wasn’t sure what all we were going to pass the day with, but honestly I had some minor plans of my own and just needed to test the waters and see how receptive he would be towards them. We got to my house and I let him take a quick shower before me. When I finished with my shower, I quickly got dressed and dried my hair. I considered putting on sweats and a tank top but at the last minute decided against it when I noticed the lingerie that I’d bought at Halloween sitting in my underwear drawer.

Instead, I donned the fancy underwear and a short dress that barely covered my rear. It was a bit scandalous given that it wasn’t even two in the afternoon, but I felt like testing my luck. I was healthy again and lately, I couldn’t deny it, I had been feeling a little bit horny. There wasn’t anything stopping us from doing anything except for our agreement to move slow. Hopefully at this outfit would be risqué enough to at least get me a kiss – which I hadn’t gotten any of since we’d agreed to try again.

“Alright, so have you picked a movie?” I asked as I walked into the living room acting nonchalant.

“Yea, I was thinking this one.” He said holding up a case from my small collection and catching a glimpse of me. He didn’t say anything but his eyes widen slightly and I accepted the movie from him.

“Hey, it’s not animated!” I exclaimed – we always ended up watching animated movies together.

“Yea, I was feeling up for a change.” He said as I kneeled next to him and set up the DVD player.

“You look really nice.” He finally said resting a hand on the small of my back.

“Oh, thanks.” I said with a smile leaning over and giving him a small kiss on the cheek. I didn’t want to go through the motions of pretending to watch this movie and I was hoping he would catch my drift soon.

“Have you seen this before? I’ve never seen it.” He said referencing to the DVD case – Dr. Strangelove.

“Yea, it was one of my favorites in college.” I explained and he nodded still staring at me. I pressed play and the stood up and moved towards the couch. I even made sure to “accidentally” hit him with my body upon standing up. “Oh, sorry.” I said placing a hand on his arm as he stood up.

“It’s okay.” He murmured and the two of us went to the couch and sat down besides one another. Cuddling had basically been cut out of lives as part of the “moving slow” transition and it was slowly driving me insane because all I wanted to do was touch him but I was afraid to make the first move and freak him out again.

We went through half the movie sitting next to each other and I could barely focus on the movie. All I wanted to do was lean over and attack him, but I tried to behave. Finally, he moved slightly and placed his arm over the top of the couch and I used that to scoot closer to him.

“I love this part.” I whispered lightly pointing at the screen and explaining a small nuance of the characters before letting my hand fall on his thigh. I wasn’t sure how much more obvious I was going to need to be for him to figure out what I wanted. I had curled my legs up next to me and let my dress ride up to the point where my ass was showing and my front was only barely covered but he paid no attention to it.

By the time the movie ended, I could hardly believe it. I was the worst at seduction. I should’ve called Michelle or Meghan and gotten advice beforehand. I thought I’d done everything right and couldn’t understand why it hadn’t worked. Had I not been obvious enough? Maybe I should’ve worn something lighter so that my lingerie would’ve shown through slightly… this dress was rather opaque.

“That was a good movie.” He concluded getting up and switching the input back to TV and grabbing the remote off the coffee table before walking back to the couch and sitting down farther away from me.

“Yea, you see why I like it?” I asked with a small smile feeling slightly trying to pretend that I wasn’t offended by the distance he’d put between us.

“Oh definitely.” He flipped through the channels a bit and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I was trying to get any read at all but he was absolutely not interested in me right now.

“Matt…” I started softly and he glanced at me quickly before looking back at the screen, as though surprised by my voice.

“Yea?” He asked maintaining his attention on the channels before finally settling on a rerun of a sports game from a few nights before.

“Were you planning on staying the night?” I asked shifting slightly trying to figure out what I could ask to subtly figure out what he was thinking.

“I mean, I can. I was going to go home. But if you want me to. Do you need my help getting the blow-up mattress down from the closet?” He asked and I had to stop myself from sighing. He’d gone out not long ago and bought a blow-up mattress for my house so we wouldn’t have to share a bed if he ever crashed at my house. I hated it because all I wanted was to share a bed with him, but he insisted that he was fine this way.

“You don’t have to. You can share my bed with me, I told you I’m fine with that.” I responded gently and he shook his head.

“No, don’t worry about it. You want me to go grab it? We can set it up before dinner.”

“I can grab it.” I whispered lightly before standing up and heading to the guest room. He was beyond frustrating sometimes. Did I have to trapeze around the house naked for him to catch a hint? I was half tempted to call Meghan quickly and get her opinion, but I knew she would laugh at me. She couldn’t believe when I told her he’d bought an air mattress.

“Are you sure?” I hear him ask and could hear his footsteps following me into the room.

I had already opened the closet door and was reaching for the balled-up mattress off the top shelf when he got there though.

“Woah.” I heard him whisper when he walked in and turned around in confusion.

“What?” I asked as I stretched on my tip toes to reach the mattress and even though I could barely graze it with my hands.

“Uhm, your dress. You should.” He started before walking over and tugging the bottom hem down over my ass. “Sorry.” He whispered before reaching over my head and grabbing the air mattress.

“Don’t apologize.” I responded turning around and taking the air mattress from him and placing it on the floor next to us. We were standing closely and all I wanted was to grab his face and kiss him. I took a half step forward and pressed my body closer to his. “Thanks for the help.” I whispered trying to be somewhat sultry and knowing that it wasn’t probably reading that way, but at this point I’d basically exhausted my option.

“Anytime.” He said before quickly turning around. I could even hear him mutter under his breath, “Fuck” as he started out of the room.

“Are you okay?” I asked following close behind him. I was sure I’d finally cracked him. I just needed him to admit it now and then I’d feel better about making a move. I just needed to be sure I was reading him right.

“No. Jesus, Ruby.” He was rubbing his hand over his face and pacing slightly in the hallway. Pacing was a bad sign and I knew it.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered feeling guilty. It felt like every step forward was accompanied by four steps backward.

“You are just so…” He struggled with looking for a word before finally just gesturing at my body. “I want to touch you so bad.” He finally said.

“But you don’t…” I stared remembering how this had all played out last time. My eyes dropped to the floor and I half considered just going to my room and changing. I felt ridiculous now.

“What?” He asked surprised before finally realizing I was disappointed. “No, no. Not like that, Ruby.” He reached out and pulled me into a hug and I sighed.

“I can go change, this was silly.” I said pushing away from him and heading towards my room.

“What was silly?” He asked confused.

“This!” I exclaimed gesturing at my body and outfit. “Trying to make you want me. Trying to be seductive and shit. Everything.” I could feel tears of frustration forming in my eyes and got even angrier at myself. This wasn’t worth crying over. I quickly left the hallway and walk towards my room pulling the dress off and searching for my sweatpants.

“Woah, no. You want me to want you?” He asked following and then stopping in the doorway and turning around in the doorway so his back faced the room.

“No shit, Sherlock.” I murmured darkly glancing over and feeling distraught. He wouldn’t even look at me.

“But, I thought you wanted to move slowly?” He asked and I rolled my eyes.

“Not this slow. You won’t even touch me!” I exclaimed angrily throwing my balled-up sweatpants at the back of his head in anger. “Or kiss me.” I said grabbing a shirt and throwing that as well. “Or look at me!” I said throwing a tank top and letting my anger get the best of me. “Is it too much to ask for my boyfriend to be attracted to me?” I huffed before sitting on the floor and realizing the outfit I wanted to wear now sat on the other side of the room and feeling like an even bigger idiot.

This was my relationship and I was a terrible girlfriend.