From Darkness

The newspapers on the windows left the apartment dark and shaded. It gave just enough glow so we could see, but it stayed dim like candlelight for the most part. I ran my fingers over Bucky’s chest as we laid next to one another. Even though we didn’t know what was happening in Sokovia, his heartbeat remained calm and even. His fingers twisted in my hair, and he brushed his lips across my forehead.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked him.

“Dreams,” he replied.

“Bad dreams or good dreams?”

“Good. Sometimes.”

“Like what?”

“Sometimes, I have dreams about you. Back home. Meeting you at a different time.” I lifted my head just a little, so I could look up at him. It brought our faces closer together, and he touched his lips to my nose.

“Will you tell me?”

“Last night I had a dream that—I was going dancing at this club I used to like. But Steve—he was still small then—didn’t want to be there. So he left, and I had no one to talk to. I left the club and walked the streets. Then I found you. All dressed up. Nowhere to go. So I took you dancing.”

“Did you know who I was?”

“I don’t know. Just that you didn’t decline my offer to dance. You wore pink.” I smiled.

“Do you ever wonder—how everything would have turned out if things happened just a little differently?”

Usually, I wouldn’t ask a question like this. But lying there waiting for possible death seemed as good a time as any.

“I try not to,” he admitted. “But I have.” I ran my hand up his chest and settled over his heart.

“Will you tell me?” He took another deep breath. His metal hand squeezed my hip. I was resting my head on his other arm, almost chest-to-chest.

“It’s hard to say,” he told me. “I was a different person then. Didn’t really think about things in the long term. Sometimes I think I would have just tried to get you into bed and wouldn't have planned much beyond that goal.” He smiled again. “But so long as we’re thinking in a ‘what if’ scenario, might as well change things up, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“I think I would have liked you. If I'd given myself a chance to really know you. Would have taken you out. I still would have tried to get you into bed, of course, but more than that. There was this place I used to go to. I don’t even know if it’s real or if it’s still there. But I think I remember it sometimes. This place down by the docks right on the river. I used to go down there at night when I wanted to get away. I don’t think I ever took anyone there. It was my secret place. I never even told Steve. I used to just sit there and watch the water—the blackness of it against the city lights. The city was always moving. Always active. And then there was this complete emptiness on the other side. I think that’s why I liked it. Humbling maybe. Brought me peace when I needed it.”

“It sounds nice, Bucky.”

“I would have taken you there.”

“To your secret place?” He nodded. “To seduce me?” He laughed and swept his fingers over my skin again.

“No,” he said. “I would have taken you there after seducing you. After getting to know you better. To share that part of myself with you.” I liked that answer.

“There was this field near my house when I was a kid,” I told him. “I used to do the same thing. Sometimes when I just needed to get out of the house. I’d walk down the road and just go sit out there. There was so much property that there weren’t a lot of lights. If I was out late enough—I could see the stars really well. I think that was my secret place too. If things had been different—I would have taken you there. But I definitely would have tried to seduce you.” He smiled lazily, and I sighed and shut my eyes again. He was so warm in the cold apartment. I felt safe and content just lying there with him, even though we were facing something so disastrous.

“Buck?” I asked.

“Mm?” he replied, sounding just as content as I felt.

“Do you ever wonder why we met? Do you think it was fate that we got caught up in each other’s lives like this?” He thought about it for a long moment.

“No,” he decided. “I don’t think I believe in anything like that. That would just mean the world is far crueler than I already thought it was.”

“Me too. But you don’t think it’s—odd?”

“Odd, maybe. But not fate. Nothing divine about it. That would be too unfair, don’t you think? I think it’s more like—we just got tangled in each other’s trajectory. Like gravity.” I looked up at him.

“What do you mean?”

“Like—comets. Started at different points. Maybe even moving at different speeds. Never meant to cross each other’s paths. No fate or destiny. Just trajectories that happened to overlap through impossible odds. Maybe they swung a little close to each other. Their gravities pulled them back, and changed their trajectories. They spun around and around, closer and closer, until finally coming together. Not predestined. Just happened to be in the same place at the same time and got caught in each other’s gravity.” I blinked a few times as I considered why he was telling me this.

“But what happens when they meet?” I asked. He shrugged.

“Sometimes they crash hard. Sometimes it’s violent and destructive. But eventually—they become one. And it doesn’t matter how it happens—violent or not—it’s always spectacular.” I considered this for a moment before I moved to lean on my elbow so I could look down at him.

“Do you think it’s been spectacular?” I asked. His hand found my hair again. His fingers brushed the back of my neck. He kept his blue eyes on mine, and they seemed so warm in the glow of rapidly dimming sunlight through the newspapers.

“Every second,” he told me.

So I kissed him again, hard and rough, and he moved onto his back and pulled me with him. I slid my leg over his and took my place on top of him. The blanket slipped down my back. His hands came to rest on my hips. He did say something about being better the second time. But it wasn’t really about that for me. It wasn’t even that I wanted my last moments to be with him in bed. It was just that I didn’t want to be anywhere else, period. No matter if it was the end of the world or not.

We’d come together in chaos and violence. It had been destructive and painful when we got caught up in each other’s gravity. But he was right. It was spectacular. I was afraid we wouldn’t live well together. That the romance would fade and die. And I’d have some proof that it was only trauma that brought us together and nothing more. But it hadn’t been like that at all. Every second of our time together had been spectacular. And this moment—was perfect.

I wanted him to know that I didn’t regret him. Not a single second. It wasn’t something I would have said without the threat of death hanging over us, but I felt like he needed to know, just in case I never got another chance. So I pulled my lips from his and pressed my forehead against him.

“I’m glad I found you,” I admitted. “And I’m not just saying that because we might die.” He smiled.

“I love you,” he said. And even though I already felt it, I was startled anyway. Bucky wasn’t usually so straightforward. And I admit, there were still times I was afraid he was only with me because he thought he had to be. “And I am saying that because we might die,” he continued. “But I do mean it. And I should have said it more.” I was speechless for a few seconds before I ran my hands over his hair and smoothed it off of his face. I kissed his stubbled jaw and returned to his lips.

“I love you too. You know that, right?” I asked him.

“Yes, but it’s nice to hear you say it.”

I moved my lips to his neck, dragging them along his flesh until I found the tender spot I knew he liked. Just as expected, his breathing got shallower, and I loved that I had that effect on him. My recovery rate had improved. He’d seen to that himself. So I slid my hand over his chest and began to work my way down.

“I would have married you,” he said suddenly. I froze and then moved my hand to my side so I could hold myself up and look down at him again. His expression was serious, but his eyes were still warm and sincere.

“What?” I asked because that was the only word I remembered how to speak.

“Back then. If things had been different. I would have married you. Or what I should say is that—I would have asked you.”

I nodded slowly. My heart was pounding, and I didn’t know how to speak. How was I supposed to answer? Was I even supposed to have an answer? I knew he was just spilling his heart out because we might die soon, but I definitely didn’t expect that. Marriage wasn’t something I ever really thought about once I grew up and faced the harsh realities of war and life. But I guess growing up in a different time, it was more important back then. Of course, it was something he would have thought about. Even if he hadn’t wanted it. Even if he knew he couldn’t have it.

“You’ve—you’ve thought about that?” I asked, finally finding words.

“I try not to. It hurts too much to think about what I would have done differently. But as long as we’re being honest, the thought has crossed my mind.” I nodded slowly and sat back. We were working on it but hadn’t quite gotten there yet. He sat up on his elbows and looked up at me. “I said the wrong thing, didn’t I?” I shook my head.

“No,” I replied. “Just caught me off guard.” He moved his hand out to touch mine. His fingers gently skimmed over my skin as if he was trying to comfort me, but too afraid to come on too strong. Which was funny. Since we were both completely naked in the bed we’d broken in repeatedly since we got it. I leaned down to kiss him and then pulled away to whisper. “I would have said yes.” I found his eyes so he could know I was serious. “If things were different. I just want you to know that. I would have said yes.”

He nodded slowly and moved his hand back to my waist. His fingers dug into my skin as he tried to pull me to him again, so I moved forward and hovered over him. His hand moved through my hair, and he pulled me down to his lips. We didn’t talk about it again, but I knew as I kissed him that it was the closest we would ever come to having something normal.