Scribbles of a Broken Heart

“The next day I tried my hardest to look my worst. The only jewelry I wore was the ring that Garrett gave me. I wore ugly brown loafers and the thick cable knit socks instead of the cotton. I didn’t shave or lotion. I purposely made my hair a little frizzy and threw it up into a loose, side messy-bun. I didn’t want to look the least bit attractive.”

Ms. Templeton looked at me, her eyebrows raised.

I tried to explain, “I didn’t want Garrett to miss anything. I thought that if I looked my worst, it wouldn’t hurt so much for him. I didn’t want his last face-to-face memory of me to be a good one. I figured that if he remembered me as ugly, it’d be easier for him.”

“Did it work?”

I scoffed, almost painfully. Even though what I was telling her happened close to ten months ago, I didn’t enjoy remembering it. I hated this part of Garrett and mine’s relationship.

“Not really. Things that we didn’t want to hear was said. Words that neither of us could take back…some of them we didn’t want to.”

I practiced the words I was going to say to Garrett in front of the mirror before leaving for school. Throughout the day I replayed the lines over and over in my head, wanting the execution to be perfect. I wanted our goodbye to be as painless as possible.

I slipped a note in Garrett’s locker, much like he did that day almost two months ago. It said for him to meet me behind the second stairwell—the most private place in school—twenty minutes after the final bell. Not as many people used it since it was at the end of the hallway and there was a small passage there where cleaning equipment was stored; after school, it was practically deserted.

I rushed out of the classroom as soon as the 3:00 bell rang, not even bothering to go to my locker. I carried all the books I needed in anticipation for this moment.

The two sets of stairs could easily fit three people walking side by side, but I was alone as I made my journey down. All the students around me were bustling about plans for this weekend, rushing to get outside or go to their lockers. I sharply turned when I reached the bottom and hid behind the thick barrier. I pressed my back against the cool tile and slid down until I was sitting with my knees pulled up. I pulled the sleeves of my maroon school sweater over my hands and I waited.

Fewer and fewer people exited down the stairwell as 3:20 approached. I ran the dialogue through my head a countless number of times. Things had to go as planned.
For a while, thick silence surrounded me. But then I heard the clunky of dress shoes, and I knew that it was Garrett. I kept my eyes straight ahead, not even turning when I felt his presence towering less than a foot away from me.

“Constance,” he said worriedly.

“Hey,” I muttered and finally looked up at him. The sight of him still made me forget to breathe.

“How are you?”

I shook my head, “Not good.”

I placed my hands on the floor and steadied my self to get up. I ignored his extended hand of help. I just stared at his chest; I wasn’t ready for this.

“How bad is it?”

I clenched my teeth, “Really bad.”

Garrett reached out to touch me, but I took a step back. He parted his lips to say something, but I beat him to it.

“We can’t see each other anymore. I’m not allowed to have any contact with you. My parents
decided this last night, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I can’t fight them on this one. This is the last time we can talk to each other.” I looked down, not wanting to see the expression on his face. “I really like you Garrett. I like you so much more than I’m supposed to. These past two months have been amazing, and I wouldn’t take them back for anything. But we both knew that this couldn’t go on forever.” I finally met his eyes and my breath hitched as I did so. They were so hurt. I could tell by the way that they were extra shiny, and two shades lighter than they were just a mere minute ago. I tried hard to keep my composure. “This is goodbye for good.”

“No,” he refused. “They can’t do that. I see you everywhere. They can’t expect us not to talk at school, they don’t have control over that. And what about swimming? I mean, we carpool together after those late nights from the meets. And-and your mom and mine are best friends. And we’re neighbors for Christ’s sake! We’re effin’ neighbors. We can’t not see each other, no, it’s impossible.”

I searched through my head for the answer that I had prepared for this reaction. I thought of every scenario before-hand and created a description for each and every one. I could do this. I could break it off with him without breaking myself.

“Don’t try to make sense out of this. It won’t do anyone any good.”

“Why are you talking like this? This isn’t you, Constance. Be real with me. Don’t say what you think I want to hear and what’s easiest for you to say, just talk to me.” He ducked away from me and ran his hands through his hair. I didn’t like how hard his breathing sounded.

I leaned my entire left side on the wall, “I can’t.”

Garrett stepped towards me and put his hands on the upper part of my arms.

“Why not?”

“I’ll say all the wrong things otherwise.”

I mentally groaned. This conversation was going down a path that I swore to avoid. I had to say what was necessary and then leave. Veering off track would cost too much.

I shrugged away his hands, “We can’t talk after this. This is it.”

“It’s close to Christmas," he blurted. “You can ask them for us to be your Christmas present.”

I closed my eyes tight and shook my head. “Nothing can change their minds, trust me on that.
This is the way that it has to be.”

Evidence of shock was splattered all over his face. I looked down at my right hand and removed the ring from my thumb. I took his hand and placed the silver in the center of the palm of his hand. I enclosed his fingers around it and rested my hand on top of his for a while.

“Merry early Christmas, Garrett.”

I went around him to leave, determined to not back.

“I love you, Constance.”