Somnia

“I want to sleep with you, fall asleep and sleep. That magnificent folk word, how deep, how true, how unequivocal, how exactly what it says. Just - sleep. And nothing more. No, another thing, and know right into the deepest sleep that it is you. And more: how your heart sounds. And - kiss your heart. - Marina Tsvetaeva”

I found this note when I peeled my blanket back. It was the week after Nick and I had kissed, and I hadn’t seen him since that morning.

I climbed into bed and slipped the paper under my pillow. My mind couldn’t even process it, and I became so overwhelmed that tears welled up in my eyes.

I had been so certain, just a few weeks before. I was convinced that I would be cold, that I would forever have a hole in my heart. The dream I’d had, of myself alone and without meaning; it had been so real to me.

Nick ripped that all away from me without warning. But I hadn’t forgotten it, and I never would. I wondered if he knew how much it meant to me, but I already knew the answer. Nick knew everything. I was like a raw, open wound to him.

The tears dissipated before they could fall, and soon enough I was asleep.

Nick was winged again, and he was so beautiful and clear. He took off into flight. I could feel the wind myself as he flew through the air. When I looked down, I saw lush forests of green, and healthy gardens, overflowing with fruit and flora.

Finally, we landed at a cabin in the woods. It was small, but not ordinary. There were engravings of ancient symbols all along its outside walls. Nick knocked on the door.

A young man answered the door for us, but did not say a word. It was as though we were so close to him that words were not necessary, somehow. This man wore strange clothes of a ruby color, something like what the characters of the tarot wore. He invited us in.

There was a wonderful but unidentifiable smell drifting throughout the place. A fire was burning in a hole in the wall that had been crafted to look like the mouth of a dragon. When I looked up, I could see that the roof was made of mosaic stained glass.

I had never seen such an incredible place.

There was a fountain in the center of the room, with a glowing purple sphere in the middle. The liquid flowing through the fountain rolled over the sphere, as if it was some sort of purification device.
The man dunked a cup into the liquid, and handed it to Nick. He took a sip of it.

The young man who had invited us in was now old. His hair was long and white, as was his beard. His brilliant outfit was replaced by a tattered smock. He only had one eye.

He pulled Nick in for a hug, and it was as if I was Nick, because I could feel it as well. It was somehow proof that there was more to life than the cold.

-

That weekend, there was a fair in our town’s park. It was the annual fall festival, and Christian and I had gone every year in memory. I didn’t know why we still went, since we were growing older.

He and I walked together, and once we arrived, he met up with a group of his friends. I was disappointed to see that Nick wasn’t one of them. But I couldn’t really talk to him when he was around my brother anyway.

I wandered off and sat down on a bench somewhere. Smells of festival foods filled the air, bringing back memories. I could hear a band playing folk music in the distance, as smoke wafted through the air.

I scanned the passing people to see if I recognized any of them. I saw some classmates here and there, but none were my friends.

Eventually, I saw the face that I’d wanted to see most of all. A smile broke out on my face.

He waved at me and walked over.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey.”

He sat next to me, and there was this energy of history between us. Neither of us could stop smiling.

“How are you?”

“I’m good, how are you?”

“Good.”

We wanted to touch each other, I think, but we couldn’t.

“I was wondering,” I said. “When did you leave that note on my bed?”

“I came over to your house that day after class,” he said, “I snuck into your room and left it there.”

“Oh,” I said.

-

We spent a couple of hours at the festival together. My brother must have left with his friends, because we didn’t see him.

Nick bought me lunch and we ate together. I got a purple flower painted on my face. We played some games, but we never won any of them.

He invited me over to his house, and so we walked there about an hour before the sun would set. His parents were out of town for the weekend, so we had the house to ourselves.

We hadn’t mentioned the kiss, let alone kissed again. I wanted to, but part of me feared that it was just a drugged up incident to him. Or maybe he didn’t even remember it. I tried to push these fears out of my mind, remembering the note he’d left for me and everything we’d said to one another that night.

His house was large, and it was clear that his family was richer than my own. The house was probably a hundred years old, with two stories. The columns on the porch were constructed out of gray stone. The ceilings inside were high, and there were large windows in each room, letting in the warmth of the sun.

Nick invited me up to his room almost immediately, and so up the wooden staircase we went. His room was decorated with beautiful artwork, rather than the posters that adorned my brother’s walls.

“Wow,” I commented, “I love the art.”

He laughed.

“Yeah, I’ve been painting for a while.”

I was looking closer at a particular piece that depicted a young woman sitting alone at a table, looking out the window. My heart thudded in my chest. How did he know?

“Wait, you did these?” I said.

“Yeah,” he replied, “You didn’t know I go to school for art?”

I shook my head.

“No. But you’re so good at it.”

I suddenly felt his arms snake around me from behind. I turned to look up at him. He smiled at me, his eyes glittering in the orange sun.

“Thank you,” he said.

I turned around in his arms, and hugged him tight. He didn’t forget. Of course he didn’t forget.

He walked us over to the bed, and we fell on it together. Before long, both of us fell asleep.

-

We were awoken when it was mostly dark outside, by the sound of people yelling.

“What the fuck,” Nick mumbled, yawning.

Two of his friends walked into his room. They were drunk already, singing and joking around together like idiots.

“Oh, Nick has a girl here,” one said to the other, laughing.

“Who’s this?” the other asked.

“Siv,” Nick said, “Christian’s sister. Now what do you want?”

I sat up in the bed, hugging the pillow out of insecurity. I hadn’t met either of these guys before.

“We’re picking you up for the party!” the shorter one said.

He had short brown hair and wore a black turtleneck with black pants. He was very thin. I’d seen him playing soccer sometimes in the fields at my brother’s school, but I didn’t know his name.

“Oh, I didn’t even know there was one,” Nick replied ambivalently.

“Yeah, it’s supposed to be really big; everyone’s going there after the festival,” the other guy said.

This one was tall, fair and had somewhat of a large nose. If I’d seen him around the village, I didn’t remember him.

I felt awkward. These guys obviously didn’t know how to act towards me, and I didn’t know either.

They acted as if I wasn’t even there, and so I kind of felt like I wasn’t. I felt like they knew a different version of Nick than I did, and I just wondered which version of him was real.

“Well, it’s up to you, Siv,” Nick said, “I’ll go only if you want to as well.”

I felt my face go red as they all turned to look at me.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I said.

I wasn’t going to stop Nick from partying; I especially wasn’t going to deny him that in front of all of his friends.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

I nodded.

-

We all walked to the party together. It wasn’t too far away, only two streets over from Nick’s house. There were eight or nine cars parked around the house, and we could hear the music playing from a block away. The four of us shared a joint as we walked.

“What are we going to do at the party?” I asked Nick.

He and I were walking a few steps behind his friends. I’d found out that the blond one was Tommy, and the soccer player was Jack.

“We can do whatever you want. I won’t leave your side,” he said, “Unless you want me to.”

I shook my head.

“No, stay with me.”

He smiled, and pecked me on the lips.

Our small group dispersed once we entered the house, but Nick stayed with me. I recognized a lot of the people there. They went either to my school, or to the college. Somehow, they seemed a lot less distant at this party than they did at school. I supposed that this happens when you see someone outside of the environment that you’re used to seeing them in. I could see that they were seeing me in a different light as well. Perhaps especially because Nick and I were holding hands.

We went to the kitchen and both got a cup of beer, and then we walked around for a while mingling with various people that Nick knew.

I felt dignified by being seen with him. His reputation was high among the young people in our town. If you were close with him, then people wanted to be close with you. His personality was so subtle, but that was what made him so charismatic. He was not the jester or the show off; he was the guy who didn’t have to prove why you should like him. You just liked him.

Eventually we found ourselves upstairs. I realized once we were there that I didn’t know who the house belonged to. There were baby pictures on the dresser, as well as family photos on the wall. I didn’t recognize any of the people. But I didn’t care either. I was too high from all the attention.

There were two girls in the room. One was named Janie, and the other was Marta. I had gone to school with them my entire life. I had been invited to Janie’s birthday parties a couple of times when we were younger, but besides that, I’d never spent time with them outside of school.

They had white powder arranged in short, straight lines on a book, which was on Janie’s lap. Marta was lying on the bed, leaning over the book. I watched as she snorted the powder.

I looked up at Nick to see his reaction, and he shrugged. He was used to it, but knew that I wasn’t.

I watched as Janie snorted the next line. She sniffled afterward, wiping her nose.

“Want some, Siv?” she asked.

I hadn’t even realized that she knew I was standing there. I was startled by the question, and I didn’t know how to answer. But I’d been trying a lot of new things, and they all seemed to be going well. So I accepted.

I sniffed a line, as did Nick, and we escaped to the bathroom.

We both looked into the mirror, but not at ourselves. At one another.

Nick was beautiful, but not in a warm, easy way. He had an alien beauty, that was hard to understand. Girls found themselves attracted to him, but they couldn’t pinpoint why. He had ginger hair, acne, and a lot of the time, tired eyes. But in those eyes you could see him, and you could see that he was burning inside.

His features were classical, but this passion that he emanated made him different. Knowing that I had him - me, and not any other girl, ever - made my own fire grow and grow. My heart was pounding from the drug, and I couldn’t look away from his reflection, until I could see his wings sprouting.