Status: Complete; unless I get requests to continue
Circle of Fear
Left Behind
3 days later…
I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t know why I continue to hurt myself time and time again. I should have known he doesn’t love me. If he did he never would have cheated on me that night years ago.
Sid hasn’t spoken a word to me or even come near me after the other day. They continue recording every day but thankfully the next 2 days are ‘free’ days. Meaning we get to do whatever we want.
For me that just means I have to edit and submit all my pictures and any videos, which ends up taking all day. By the time I’m done, it’s past 8 pm. I’m surprised no one bothered me but they probably know by now not to interrupt my work.
I went downstairs to fix something to eat. All the guys were downstairs talking. They all said they already ate and I continued my mission. When I went into the kitchen, Sid was in there grabbing a beer from the fridge. He looked at me and went to walk off.
“Sid, what the fuck?” I asked him. He turned around and faced me. “I can’t.” Is all he said before he turned around again and walked off. I gritted my teeth. I ended up just fixing a grilled cheese and eating it right there over the counter. I threw what I didn’t eat in the trash and went upstairs to my room.
I sat there for a few minutes, thinking entirely too much about things. If Sid wanted me to lose all feelings for him, he was doing a damn good job so far. Men will do any fucking thing to get laid.
put on my bikini, deciding to go for a late night swim. By the time I got out there, I saw Jim was already in the pool, looking up at the night sky. He turned around when he heard the door close and smiled warmly at me. He waved me over.
“There’s plenty of room for two.” He said and I nodded. I slowly got in, letting my body adjust to the temperature of the water. We stayed out there for a long time, smoking cigarettes and talking about shit. We got out and he handed me his towel. I realize I forgot to bring one out here. “Oh shit. Nah, it’s ok. I’ll just air dry.” I told him, handing the towel back. He refused.
I dried myself off and handed him the towel. “It’ll kinda work?” I said questionably. He laughed and took it. I started walking inside and turned around once I got to the door. He picked his head up to look at my face. I blushed, knowing where his gaze was moments ago. “Thanks for the talk and the company.” I said to him.
He smiled again and put the towel over the banister. “Like I said before, any time.” He said as he approached me. He reached in front of me and opened the door for us. I blushed again and walked in. I got to my room first and Jim called out goodnight to me. “Night Jim.” I said and walked in, shutting and locking my door.
I took a hot shower and collapsed into my bed. I cried myself to sleep like the weak woman that I have become.
I woke up this morning with new found inspiration. I grabbed a notepad and wrote for about an hour. When I was done, I went and knocked on the door to Jim’s room. He answered it, his hair all over the place. “Did I wake you?” I asked him. He shook his head. I bit my lip, looking at his bare chest. I shook myself from my thoughts and shyly asked for a favor. He raised an eyebrow. “What does this favor entail?” He asked with a wink.
I tried to force out a laugh. “Your fingers.” I said to him. When I realized how it sounded I literally smacked myself in the forehead. I was mortified, and he stood there laughing. “Well damn, darling. Tell me what you really want.” He said. I shook my head. “I need you to play the piano for me.” I said.
“Oh, of course. Let me grab a shirt and I’ll be right down there.” He said and walked away from the door. I went downstairs and entered the recording room. I went over and grabbed the same acoustic guitar that I used the other day. I put the notebook up on the stand and waited for Jim.
“Alright, so what am I playing?” He asked, sitting at the piano. I carried the guitar back out to that part of the room and played the cords of what I wanted him to play. We went over it a few times and then he played it back to me. “Perfect.” I said to him.
“Ready” I called to him and he nodded. I didn’t know the other 8 guys had followed into the room to listen to us.
What a waste of life this is. Every altercation I permit is like a quiet sigh, from a woman resigned to a place that was never hers. And the hours are long, even in a world where I belong. Every second stays, every minute counts against my sentence. I fall – I had to let you go. What I tried to accomplish died. Every offer of faith I had to fight and a dream unfolds. The moon is cold because the sun left early. And the days go by – even when my conscience just won’t try. Every week decays. Every mouth is rotten – I am forgotten. I fall – I had to let you go. I fall – my mind is all I know. I fall – the table turns to dust. I fall today, and let go of my trust. What a waste of time I am. Every ounce of life is just dead flesh. I can’t forget, but then again you can’t let me remember. When I try to speak, every word I say comes out so bleak. I don’t want this. I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone. I don’t want anyone. I fall – I had to let you go. I fall – my mind is all I know. I fall – the table turns to dust. I fall today, and let go of my trust. I let go of my trust!
The Day I Let Go – Stone Sour
I heard clapping and I looked into the other room. I saw the other 8, yes 8, guys in there as well as the producer. I looked at Jim and he looked equally surprised. We walked out and Corey pulled me in for a hug. “That was beautiful. It sounds like something I would write.” He said. I forced a smile and laugh. “Yeah.” I said and walked out of the room.
I felt someone grab my hand and turned around. “Can we talk?” Sid asked me. “No, Sid. We can’t talk. I have nothing left to give you.” I said and pulled my hand out of his grasp and walked away. “Ashlee!” He called but I didn’t turn around. I heard him cuss and punch the wall.
I asked Corey to do a duet with me, as the recording grew to its close. He agreed with no hesitation. It felt good to have my friend back. It seems that he finally accepted the way things have to be if he’s going to be around me. Although there will be no life with Sid, that’s become crystal clear.
[ For this part, A= will be for Ashlee’s part and C= will be for Corey’s part of who sings what. ]
A= Every now and then a lifetime needs a second chance to find another one like you. Don’t forget your better reason – all your silly risks will bring you down.
C= Several years of bitter Mondays take a heavy toll. And then you realize it’s you. Until you make this easy harder, no one else will care if you’re around. If you live your love with no to most, every day is just about the sorrow. You should know what they want to get. If it’s you, they won’t let you forget.
A= So much for gentle lions gathering the sheep. All I wanted was something safe.
C= Show me your ungrateful tyrants, I’ll point out the mirror – point to you.
A= This is where forever gets us. Immoral wishes and oblivion. I can’t stay – I don’t need the conflagration. I don’t need the hate and I don’t need YOU.
C= If you live your love with no tomorrow, every day is just about the sorrow. And you should know what they want to get. If it’s you, they won’t let you forget.
A & C= So if you live a life with no tomorrow, every day is just about the sorrow. You should know what they want to get. And if it’s you, they won’t let you forget.
A= Oh, I’m on my own. I’m on my own…
We were enjoying our last couple of days in the mansion. They finished recording early but as long as we act like we need to fix a few things we can stay the last 2 days that we signed for.
Jim asked me to accompany him in a drinking game while the others went out. I wanted to stay here – it wasn’t a good night for me to go to a bar. Especially since Sid was going, and he would be all over any hot chick that walked by. Jim stayed – I don’t know why. He said he didn’t feel like it.
I accepted his challenge. We were playing a board game, Sorry, that we found in the basement. Funny story actually. Joey went down there for something. I guess he thought he was Dora the Explorer or some shit. But he started yelling like a little girl that something sexually assaulted him down there.
When we investigated, we found this game and decided to play since there’s nothing better to do.
“Ash, you really do have talent. You could go far with it if you pursued it. You write some good shit, you can play anything on guitar, and you have the vocal range of a God.” Jim said to me before taking a long swig of the rum in his glass.
I laughed. “Yeah okay James. Whatever you say.” I said to him, using his full name. “Oh no you didn’t” He said, getting an evil look in his eye.
I shook my head, backing away from the game board. “And just what are you gonna do about it, big guy?” I teased him, getting ready to make a run for it. He launched toward me and I tried to jump up and run off but he grabbed my foot so I ended up falling back down.
I screamed with laughter at the thrill. My adrenaline was pumping through my body. He put his hands at my sides and tickled me.
I stopped laughing and looked at him. “I’m not even ticklish, asshole!” I said to him and putting my hands on top of his to remove them. He looked clueless. “What? Who the hell isn’t ticklish?” He asked seriously. I laughed loudly. “So that means you are ticklish then?” I asked him. I hadn’t let go of his hands yet. He gulped of nervousness. I released his hands and put my hands on his chest, pushing him over.
He landed with a grunt. I sat on his stomach and before he could react I dug my fingers into his ribs, tickling him. His hands shot to my waist, trying to lift me up to stop me. In defense, I tightened my thighs to keep my grip on his body.
He tried for another moment but couldn’t because he was laughing too hard. I let up after a moment to wipe the tears running down my face from laughter. He took this as his opportunity to pick me up off of him which made me pout. He kept his hands on my waist but didn’t actually make the effort to pick me up.
Instead he sat up so that our faces were inches apart. I brushed the hair out of his face with my hand. And in my drunken state, I trailed my fingers across the features of his face. “You have beautiful eyes, Jim.” I told him sweetly.
He leaned in and placed his lips softly against mine. He moved one hand up to my face, tracing circles into my skin and moved his hand to my neck, removing his lips from mine to follow his hand. He began to kiss and bite the flesh on my collar bone, making me moan. He laughed against my skin.
When he brought his face back up to mine to kiss me, I felt the desire burn through my body. Before things could go any further, the door slammed open and I immediately jumped away from Jim. Sid was the first one walking in the house. The look in his eye was one I haven’t seen in a long time. “Did we miss something here?” He asked, looking between me and Jim.
I didn’t know what to say so I just sat there, staring at Sid like he was an alien. He gave me a glare and walked away. The rest of the guys looking confused.
I spent my entire last day at the mansion packing. I didn’t talk to any of the guys. A bunch of them were asking about last night, about Sid, about where I was going when I left here, etc. I wasn’t in the mood so I eventually locked myself in the room.
When it was time to go, we all piled into the cars that we arrived in. I gave almost everyone a long hug.
I approached Sid and outstretched my arms to him, biting my lip. He sighed and pulled me into a hug, “Goodbye, Sidney.” I said into his ear. I pulled away after a moment before either of us had a chance to say anything else. I knew this would be the last time I saw any of these guys, so I didn’t want to skip any goodbyes.
When we got back to Corey’s house, he kept asking me the same questions over and over. I still refused to answer – honestly, because I had no idea how to. When he finally left me alone in my room, I packed the rest of my belongings.
I would be signing the papers today to my new home and getting my keys. It’s time to start my new life. I didn’t tell any of the guys where I was moving to, because I didn’t want anyone trying anything. The only person who knows is Shanna and she doesn’t have contact with any of the guys anymore. She is actually moving in with me to help pay some of the bills.
The house is a beautiful single-story, 3 bedroom house with a huge back yard and a pool. It’s in down a long, private driveway. It’s in Iowa City, not very far from Des Moines, but far enough to me. It was built in the 1950’s so it has a lot of character. I fell in love with the house when I saw it and when Shanna said she couldn’t afford the rent she was paying, we decided we could split everything with this house – and the payments are cheaper.
I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t know why I continue to hurt myself time and time again. I should have known he doesn’t love me. If he did he never would have cheated on me that night years ago.
Sid hasn’t spoken a word to me or even come near me after the other day. They continue recording every day but thankfully the next 2 days are ‘free’ days. Meaning we get to do whatever we want.
For me that just means I have to edit and submit all my pictures and any videos, which ends up taking all day. By the time I’m done, it’s past 8 pm. I’m surprised no one bothered me but they probably know by now not to interrupt my work.
I went downstairs to fix something to eat. All the guys were downstairs talking. They all said they already ate and I continued my mission. When I went into the kitchen, Sid was in there grabbing a beer from the fridge. He looked at me and went to walk off.
“Sid, what the fuck?” I asked him. He turned around and faced me. “I can’t.” Is all he said before he turned around again and walked off. I gritted my teeth. I ended up just fixing a grilled cheese and eating it right there over the counter. I threw what I didn’t eat in the trash and went upstairs to my room.
I sat there for a few minutes, thinking entirely too much about things. If Sid wanted me to lose all feelings for him, he was doing a damn good job so far. Men will do any fucking thing to get laid.
put on my bikini, deciding to go for a late night swim. By the time I got out there, I saw Jim was already in the pool, looking up at the night sky. He turned around when he heard the door close and smiled warmly at me. He waved me over.
“There’s plenty of room for two.” He said and I nodded. I slowly got in, letting my body adjust to the temperature of the water. We stayed out there for a long time, smoking cigarettes and talking about shit. We got out and he handed me his towel. I realize I forgot to bring one out here. “Oh shit. Nah, it’s ok. I’ll just air dry.” I told him, handing the towel back. He refused.
I dried myself off and handed him the towel. “It’ll kinda work?” I said questionably. He laughed and took it. I started walking inside and turned around once I got to the door. He picked his head up to look at my face. I blushed, knowing where his gaze was moments ago. “Thanks for the talk and the company.” I said to him.
He smiled again and put the towel over the banister. “Like I said before, any time.” He said as he approached me. He reached in front of me and opened the door for us. I blushed again and walked in. I got to my room first and Jim called out goodnight to me. “Night Jim.” I said and walked in, shutting and locking my door.
I took a hot shower and collapsed into my bed. I cried myself to sleep like the weak woman that I have become.
I woke up this morning with new found inspiration. I grabbed a notepad and wrote for about an hour. When I was done, I went and knocked on the door to Jim’s room. He answered it, his hair all over the place. “Did I wake you?” I asked him. He shook his head. I bit my lip, looking at his bare chest. I shook myself from my thoughts and shyly asked for a favor. He raised an eyebrow. “What does this favor entail?” He asked with a wink.
I tried to force out a laugh. “Your fingers.” I said to him. When I realized how it sounded I literally smacked myself in the forehead. I was mortified, and he stood there laughing. “Well damn, darling. Tell me what you really want.” He said. I shook my head. “I need you to play the piano for me.” I said.
“Oh, of course. Let me grab a shirt and I’ll be right down there.” He said and walked away from the door. I went downstairs and entered the recording room. I went over and grabbed the same acoustic guitar that I used the other day. I put the notebook up on the stand and waited for Jim.
“Alright, so what am I playing?” He asked, sitting at the piano. I carried the guitar back out to that part of the room and played the cords of what I wanted him to play. We went over it a few times and then he played it back to me. “Perfect.” I said to him.
“Ready” I called to him and he nodded. I didn’t know the other 8 guys had followed into the room to listen to us.
What a waste of life this is. Every altercation I permit is like a quiet sigh, from a woman resigned to a place that was never hers. And the hours are long, even in a world where I belong. Every second stays, every minute counts against my sentence. I fall – I had to let you go. What I tried to accomplish died. Every offer of faith I had to fight and a dream unfolds. The moon is cold because the sun left early. And the days go by – even when my conscience just won’t try. Every week decays. Every mouth is rotten – I am forgotten. I fall – I had to let you go. I fall – my mind is all I know. I fall – the table turns to dust. I fall today, and let go of my trust. What a waste of time I am. Every ounce of life is just dead flesh. I can’t forget, but then again you can’t let me remember. When I try to speak, every word I say comes out so bleak. I don’t want this. I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone. I don’t want anyone. I fall – I had to let you go. I fall – my mind is all I know. I fall – the table turns to dust. I fall today, and let go of my trust. I let go of my trust!
The Day I Let Go – Stone Sour
I heard clapping and I looked into the other room. I saw the other 8, yes 8, guys in there as well as the producer. I looked at Jim and he looked equally surprised. We walked out and Corey pulled me in for a hug. “That was beautiful. It sounds like something I would write.” He said. I forced a smile and laugh. “Yeah.” I said and walked out of the room.
I felt someone grab my hand and turned around. “Can we talk?” Sid asked me. “No, Sid. We can’t talk. I have nothing left to give you.” I said and pulled my hand out of his grasp and walked away. “Ashlee!” He called but I didn’t turn around. I heard him cuss and punch the wall.
I asked Corey to do a duet with me, as the recording grew to its close. He agreed with no hesitation. It felt good to have my friend back. It seems that he finally accepted the way things have to be if he’s going to be around me. Although there will be no life with Sid, that’s become crystal clear.
[ For this part, A= will be for Ashlee’s part and C= will be for Corey’s part of who sings what. ]
A= Every now and then a lifetime needs a second chance to find another one like you. Don’t forget your better reason – all your silly risks will bring you down.
C= Several years of bitter Mondays take a heavy toll. And then you realize it’s you. Until you make this easy harder, no one else will care if you’re around. If you live your love with no to most, every day is just about the sorrow. You should know what they want to get. If it’s you, they won’t let you forget.
A= So much for gentle lions gathering the sheep. All I wanted was something safe.
C= Show me your ungrateful tyrants, I’ll point out the mirror – point to you.
A= This is where forever gets us. Immoral wishes and oblivion. I can’t stay – I don’t need the conflagration. I don’t need the hate and I don’t need YOU.
C= If you live your love with no tomorrow, every day is just about the sorrow. And you should know what they want to get. If it’s you, they won’t let you forget.
A & C= So if you live a life with no tomorrow, every day is just about the sorrow. You should know what they want to get. And if it’s you, they won’t let you forget.
A= Oh, I’m on my own. I’m on my own…
We were enjoying our last couple of days in the mansion. They finished recording early but as long as we act like we need to fix a few things we can stay the last 2 days that we signed for.
Jim asked me to accompany him in a drinking game while the others went out. I wanted to stay here – it wasn’t a good night for me to go to a bar. Especially since Sid was going, and he would be all over any hot chick that walked by. Jim stayed – I don’t know why. He said he didn’t feel like it.
I accepted his challenge. We were playing a board game, Sorry, that we found in the basement. Funny story actually. Joey went down there for something. I guess he thought he was Dora the Explorer or some shit. But he started yelling like a little girl that something sexually assaulted him down there.
When we investigated, we found this game and decided to play since there’s nothing better to do.
“Ash, you really do have talent. You could go far with it if you pursued it. You write some good shit, you can play anything on guitar, and you have the vocal range of a God.” Jim said to me before taking a long swig of the rum in his glass.
I laughed. “Yeah okay James. Whatever you say.” I said to him, using his full name. “Oh no you didn’t” He said, getting an evil look in his eye.
I shook my head, backing away from the game board. “And just what are you gonna do about it, big guy?” I teased him, getting ready to make a run for it. He launched toward me and I tried to jump up and run off but he grabbed my foot so I ended up falling back down.
I screamed with laughter at the thrill. My adrenaline was pumping through my body. He put his hands at my sides and tickled me.
I stopped laughing and looked at him. “I’m not even ticklish, asshole!” I said to him and putting my hands on top of his to remove them. He looked clueless. “What? Who the hell isn’t ticklish?” He asked seriously. I laughed loudly. “So that means you are ticklish then?” I asked him. I hadn’t let go of his hands yet. He gulped of nervousness. I released his hands and put my hands on his chest, pushing him over.
He landed with a grunt. I sat on his stomach and before he could react I dug my fingers into his ribs, tickling him. His hands shot to my waist, trying to lift me up to stop me. In defense, I tightened my thighs to keep my grip on his body.
He tried for another moment but couldn’t because he was laughing too hard. I let up after a moment to wipe the tears running down my face from laughter. He took this as his opportunity to pick me up off of him which made me pout. He kept his hands on my waist but didn’t actually make the effort to pick me up.
Instead he sat up so that our faces were inches apart. I brushed the hair out of his face with my hand. And in my drunken state, I trailed my fingers across the features of his face. “You have beautiful eyes, Jim.” I told him sweetly.
He leaned in and placed his lips softly against mine. He moved one hand up to my face, tracing circles into my skin and moved his hand to my neck, removing his lips from mine to follow his hand. He began to kiss and bite the flesh on my collar bone, making me moan. He laughed against my skin.
When he brought his face back up to mine to kiss me, I felt the desire burn through my body. Before things could go any further, the door slammed open and I immediately jumped away from Jim. Sid was the first one walking in the house. The look in his eye was one I haven’t seen in a long time. “Did we miss something here?” He asked, looking between me and Jim.
I didn’t know what to say so I just sat there, staring at Sid like he was an alien. He gave me a glare and walked away. The rest of the guys looking confused.
I spent my entire last day at the mansion packing. I didn’t talk to any of the guys. A bunch of them were asking about last night, about Sid, about where I was going when I left here, etc. I wasn’t in the mood so I eventually locked myself in the room.
When it was time to go, we all piled into the cars that we arrived in. I gave almost everyone a long hug.
I approached Sid and outstretched my arms to him, biting my lip. He sighed and pulled me into a hug, “Goodbye, Sidney.” I said into his ear. I pulled away after a moment before either of us had a chance to say anything else. I knew this would be the last time I saw any of these guys, so I didn’t want to skip any goodbyes.
When we got back to Corey’s house, he kept asking me the same questions over and over. I still refused to answer – honestly, because I had no idea how to. When he finally left me alone in my room, I packed the rest of my belongings.
I would be signing the papers today to my new home and getting my keys. It’s time to start my new life. I didn’t tell any of the guys where I was moving to, because I didn’t want anyone trying anything. The only person who knows is Shanna and she doesn’t have contact with any of the guys anymore. She is actually moving in with me to help pay some of the bills.
The house is a beautiful single-story, 3 bedroom house with a huge back yard and a pool. It’s in down a long, private driveway. It’s in Iowa City, not very far from Des Moines, but far enough to me. It was built in the 1950’s so it has a lot of character. I fell in love with the house when I saw it and when Shanna said she couldn’t afford the rent she was paying, we decided we could split everything with this house – and the payments are cheaper.