Let's Pretend It's Love

If everyone in the world could agree on one thing, I reckon it would be that January is the worst month of the year. The world seems to be in a perpetual state of darkness and everyone’s pale, fat and broke from Christmas. While the new year is supposed to offer new opportunities and adventures, there’s absolutely nothing to look forward to in the month of January. No holidays, no parties. Just darkness and fatigue.

With one week in I was certain my year was headed downhill. Things at work were the absolute worst. In addition to having to cope with the awkwardness and guilt of working with Jessa and the constant fear of being blackmailed by Murray, sales were at their very lowest. Jess was afraid we’d have to close down the shop. She had long phone conversations with her parents on the daily and most of our lunch breaks were spent having financial conferences. It was becoming a chore just to get up in the morning and I dreaded going to work.

I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I just wanted things to stop, to have some time to catch my breath. But I couldn’t. Penny’s wedding was fast approaching and there were still so many things to get in order. I didn’t have time for the emotional crisis I could feel approaching. I had to suck it up and move on. Like I always did.

“ Shoulda worn wellingtons.” I grumbled to myself as I maneuvered around a large rain puddle and scurried to the safety of the sidewalk, careful not to ruin my boots.

It was a cold, rainy Saturday and Penny was having her bridal shower at another one of her favorite restaurant. Having the day off I seized the opportunity to sleep in however, that didn’t quite work out in my favor. With the nasty weather and slush on the roads, cab traffic was fickle and I’d had to walk several blocks. I was hoping that my hair hadn’t frizzed and my nose wasn’t running but after such a long trek I’m not sure I cared at this point.

I clutched the expertly wrapped present to my chest, inspecting it for any rain drops before walking into the restaurant and approaching the front desk. I tapped my fingernails against wood smiling at the attractive host.

“I’m here for the Taylor bridal shower.” I announced plainly.

He smiled his dark eyebrows raising slightly.

“Right this way, miss.”

I smooth a hand over my head to keep down the hypothetical frizz as I followed the host to a party room decorated with violets and baby breaths. There were so many of them I was surprised no one had had an allergic reaction yet. The rest of the decorations consisted of eyelet lace and purple satin ribbons, the kind that belonged on vintage dresses and a grandmother’s tea table.

There were a few people I didn’t quite recognize, grouped into round tables. I spotted Penny and the rest of the bridal party sitting at their own table. She must have spotted me come in because she stopped her conversation with Charlotte to wave at me.

I put on a faux grin as I approached the table, present in hand. Penny smiled brightly. She was wearing this lilac colored dress with a Peter Pan collar and her hair was styled in an elegant updo. She reminded me a bit of an ice princess.

“Presley! I thought you weren’t coming.” she spoke excitedly.

I’m surprised she hadn’t gotten used to me being tardy. I was late for almost everything.
I waved briefly to the other girls before shrugging.

“Couldn’t find a cab. I came bearing a present so I reckon I’ll be excused.”

Penny grinned widely before taking the present from my hand.

“Thanks I hope it’s better than those monogramed towels Susan got me, ” she rolled her eyes. “Want something to eat? There’s quiche.”

My mouth watered at the thought of the savoury pastry.

“I am quite hungry after that walk.” I replied and Penny seemed pleased.

While assessing the spread of food I’d noticed just how many of Mum’s friend’s were in attendance and just how little of Penny’s were. It actually made me feel a bit of sympathy for her but also made me kind of thankful I wasn’t Mum’s chosen child. If I do ever get married, there’s no way I’m letting her have full control over everything.

I grabbed my plate and headed back over to Penny’s table making myself comfortable in the empty seat between Charlotte and Penny. Charlotte rolled her eyes at me and I rolled them back before turning to Penny.

“This looks like Nana May’s 98th birthday party last year.” I announced.

Penny frowned before taking a sip of tea.

“I know. All Mum’s idea. We have to do it big for the Hen Do. Shirtless waiters, male strippers. I want penis themed everything. Mum is not invited.”

I nearly spat out my lemonade.

“That’s a bit extreme don’t cha think? What is Liam going to say about this?” I coughed.

Penny shrugged. “He doesn’t have to know.”

The rest of the bridesmaids giggled and I cringed. Maybe I can skip the hen do.

“So, Mum told be about your holiday rendezvous. Spill the details.” Penny continued.

I gave a tight lip smile but cringed at the possibility of sharing such personal information with the table.

“Well, I really like Harry’s family. His mum is probably the sweetest lady I’ve ever met, his sister and I are practically spirt animals and his niece is adorable.” I replied honestly.

Penny scoffed. “No fair. I wish Liam’s family was like that. His sisters are so nosey. The only level headed person besides himself is his dad.”

I shrugged, my lips curving up into a small smile.

“Guess I got lucky.” I popped a piece of quiche in my mouth. It was true. I had gotten lucky with Harry in so many more ways than I could tell.

“So, did you get any goodies for Christmas?” Libby winked. I was hoping to not be the topic of conversation anymore. The rest of the girls looked on expectantly.

“Well there’s this great scrub from Lush that Harry got me started on and-”

Penny groaned. “C'mon, Presley! You’re not that innocent. She’s talking about sex! How was the sex!”

I put down my fork full of pasta salad in fear that I’d choke and my stomach twisted into weird knots. These were the last people on earth I’d rather discuss my sex life with and it’s not like I had anything to talk about. I wasn’t going to tell them about our failed New Year’s attempt. It was already embarrassing enough to even breathe around Harry after that.

“Oh, yeah..” I trailed off hoping they’d just drop the subject.

Penny’s eyebrows pinched together so furiously I was afraid they’d be stuck like that.

“What? You mean he didn’t give you any Christmas sex? You didn’t give him any Christmas sex? What is wrong with you people!” she exclaimed dramatically.

I rolled my eyes. Maybe it was easy for me to realize that sex wasn’t everything because I didn’t have a steady sexual partner. Or maybe because Harry and I were nothing more than just friends.

“There’s so much more to a relationship than just that.” I replied quickly.

Penny scoffed. “Yeah but you two are grown adults. It has to happen at some point.”

She was right but she didn’t understand the real reason why Harry and I haven’t shagged yet.
“Is he, you know, impotent?” Alisa whispered across the table.

I trapped my bottom lip between my teeth. Why are we having this conversation like we’re all best mates who tell each other every detail about their lives?

“What?!” I snapped.

Charlotte smirked, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “I reckon he’s not even into girls. What straight bloke wears painted on jeans?”

That was it. Who the hell does Charlotte think she is?

“Would you like me to unravel my scarf and answer your question,” I growled referring to the fading love bites Harry had left from our New Year’s tryst.

“or should I explain how he was willing and ready to fuck me on my own sofa? Sure he’s not traditionally masculine but I’m sure he can get it up faster than any bloke you’ve been with before.”

The table was silent, everyone starting at us with eyes as wide as the tea saucers. I’d managed to surprise myself and silently prayed the ladies at Mum’s table hadn’t heard anything. I glanced over at Penny who’s jaw had dropped slightly.

“What I meant to say, Char, is that maybe you shouldn’t worry about my boyfriend so much.” I smiled sweetly before taking another sip of lemonade. Charlotte just glared, probably trying to burn holes through my soul.

“Umm, I’m going to go grab a scone. Anyone want one?” Libby questioned nervously.

“Perhaps you should get Charlotte some ice instead.” I suggested.

Penny placed a hand over her mouth in an attempt to muffle her giggles.

“Enough about that, yeah? Let’s plan this hen do.”

The bridal shower ended in the early afternoon and the rest of my day was spent handling house hold chores. I’d had much contact with Harry in the past week, just good morning text every now and then. I was far too busy trying to adjust to things at work. Time away from Harry was both good and bad. I didn’t feel so guilty around Jess and I had time to recharge my batteries. But time away only made me miss him and only left me with lingering thoughts about my feelings.

He was lovely. So, so lovely. But we were never meant to be so close. I was likely to hurt him. It’s usually what I do in the end. Maybe it would just be better if I ended it all now. Then no one could get hurt. Not Jess, not Harry and not me.

After sorting the laundry I shuffled through my contacts and found Harry’s number. I ran a hand through my hair as I waited on the dial tone.

“Hey, love. I was just going to call.” he rasped into the receiver.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t do this over the phone.

“Come and get me?” I questioned .My voice cracked slightly.

I could hear Harry sighing on the other end.

“Everything alright?” he drawled, his voice rising slightly.

I bit my lip to stop its sudden trembling.

“Yeah, H. I’m fine. I just- I just t have some place I need to go and I want you to take me there.” I replied quickly hoping I sounded believable.

“Alright. See you in a few?” Harry questioned.

“Yeah. See you.”

I could feel this mixture of excitement and nervousness building in my stomach as I pushed open the doors to my flat building. A gust of winter wind hit me and I could spot Harry’s car in the dark parked across the street. I tightened my scarf around my neck before pacing across the street and tugging on the passenger’s door.

“Hey.” Harry spoke, startled.

“Hi.” I replied sharply before buckling my seatbelt.

I leaned over, pressing a firm kiss to his mouth. Harry deepened the kiss, caressing the back of my head and gently bringing my mouth closer to his. He grinned widely once we’d pulled a part, a quarter sized dimple denting his left cheek.

“Well, that’s a nice form of cab fare,” he spoke sheepishly, licking his bottom lip.

“Where to?”

I pressed another kiss to his jaw before sighing deeply.

“ I don’t care. Let’s just drive.”
******
It felt like we’d been driving for hours. The main attractions of the city had long disappeared. The ride was silent for the most part a part from Harry humming along to his Led Zeppelin cd. We hadn’t talked much. My gaze had been fixed on the darkness out the window. A combination of steam from the heating system and condensation from the cold fogged my view but I didn’t care.

My heart flipped as I felt Harry’s free hand reach for my own . He intertwined our fingers with a contented sigh and I couldn’t help but steal a glance at our tangled hands.

They almost looked perfect together. Almost.

“Are you sure you’re alright? It’s not quite like you to call me up like that. You gave me a fright.” he drawled, turning to face me briefly.

The night shadows gave his face a gorgeous and different aesthetic. I’m not sure if I can ever recall his green eyes shinning so brightly.

I sighed.

“I’m sorry. I just needed some fresh air.” I replied quickly.

He hummed shortly, stealing another glance at me as if he could see right through my lies. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could. The more lies I told the worse I seemed to get at telling them.

“So, what’d you do today?” he questioned returning his gaze to the road.

“Penny had her bridal shower today. The wedding’s about a month away, you know.” I informed.

His lips curved into the slightest grin.

“Dully noted. I’ve already been fitted for my tux. Unfortunately, neither Liam or Penny would allow me to leave my shirt buttons unbuttoned.”

I grinned for maybe the first time that day.

“I’m glad they didn’t. It’d be quite horrible of you to flash your nipples at everyone in the church. Mum would have a heart attack,” I smirked. “ on second thought, maybe you should do that.”
Harry chuckled.

“You’re somethin else, Presley.”

I giggled.

“I’m an evil genius. Admit it, Harry.”

He only grinned, shaking his head.

“I bet Penny’s pretty excited.” he spoke, moving the conversation along.

I sighed.

“She is. I really hope her and Liam last.”

“Like your parents?” he questioned, his eyebrows raising slightly.

I frowned. My parents had been married for quite sometime but I always felt their marriage was dry. I hadn’t seen them kiss or embrace in years, just small gestures like touching each other’s arm. They only seemed to stay married for the sake of Penny and I or just the simple principle of being comfortable.

“No. They’ve been married for a while but they seem like roommates if I’m being honest. You see how my mother is.” I replied.

Harry crinkled his nose.

“Yeah.”

“My grandparents on the other hand a great marriage. They were together for nearly fifty years.” I declared.

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive.” he replied.

If there was one couple that could make me second guess my view on love and relationships, it’d be my grandparents. They’d had a classic whirlwind romance. The kind that hopeless romantics dreamed about and novelist like Nicholas Sparks wrote about.

“Nan was super feminist and hated Poppy’s guts in the beginning. But he was persistent and wouldn’t stop until he broke down her walls. I guess in the end he did.” I continued.

My face flushed red once I realized I was still holding Harry’s hand and I was thankful it was dark out.

Harry tore his gaze away from the road to glance over at me. He smiled softly, his grin adorably lopsided.

“That sounds a lot like us.”

Us. The pronoun slipped out of his mouth so effortlessly , with such familiarity and confidence.

I scoffed.

“ I don’t hate you. I didn’t hate you, I was just indifferent, as all. Still am.”

He smirked.

“Sure, Pres. So they lived happily ever after?” he concluded, positive of the ending.
I sighed.

“For a while. Nan got alzheimer’s. She didn’t remember Poppy anymore, or how much he loved her, ” I could feel the tears forming in the corner of my eyes. “the day she died, she asked him to tell her their love story. He never got to the end.”

I could feel the lump forming in my throat and I regretted revealing such intimate information.

“Gee, m'sorry about that. What they had sounds quite beautiful.” Harry replied softly.

I returned my gaze back to the window.

“It was.”

Things were silent between us for sometime until Harry spoke.

“Do you ever think there could be more to us than just, you know, friends?” he drawled, breaking me from my trance.

A light shower of rain began pelting against the window and my eyebrows furrowed deeply.

“What do you mean, Harry?” I questioned innocently although I knew damn well what he was asking.

Harry laughed sharply his hand untangling from mine to rest on the steering wheel.

“C'mon, Presley. You know what I mean.”

I sighed deeply.

“I don’t know. It would complicate things for us. It’d be likely to end in burning flames.” I replied.

I glanced over at Harry who ran a hand through his hair, his jaw clenching slightly.

“But what if it doesn’t? You never know till you try, right?”

I sighed deeply, a mixture of emotions washing over me in a huge tidal wave. The lump returned to my throat.

“You wouldn’t want a girl like me, Harry. I’m cynical, insufferable, just damaged goods. You’re a sweet guy, H You deserve more. So much more.”

The tears pricked my eyes and my words came out choppy. The car came to a sudden stop on the side of the road.

“But don’t you deserve just as much?”

Harry wiggled out of his seat so that his body was angled towards me. His green eyes burned into mine and I had to look away.

“Harry, please.” I whispered.

“Answer my question, Presley.” he spoke firmly ignoring my plea.

I sighed. I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes and I just wanted him to stop. I just wanted it all to stop.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, H.” I choked.

Harry sighed before reaching out to move a fallen piece of hair out of my face. He fastened his hand to my chin, staring me deep in the eyes again.

“Sure I don’t know everything about you, Presley. But I know enough to know that you deserve so much more than you think you do. I- I care a lot about you and it sounds hella cliché but I promise,”
he chuckled shortly before running a hand through his disheveled hair.

“I’d give you the world. If you’d let me.”

His voice was deep and laden with sincerity and it scared the hell out of me. I wasn’t going to play stupid anymore. I knew exactly what he was trying to say and that scared me even more.

I broke, the hot tears spilling from my eyes.

“Stop, Harry. Stop. Just stop!” I sobbed.

I couldn’t control myself as I swatted his hands away, striking his chest with my palms as hard as I physically could.

His eyebrows furrowed deeply and green eyes widened in shock.

“Presley, what-”

“Stay away from me, Harry. Just stay away!” I shouted before furiously unbuckling my seatbelt and yanking open the passenger door.

The rain seemed to sting my face and I knew I was going to have a terrible cold after this but I didn’t care. I ran. I couldn’t quite see where I was going and I nearly tripped in the snow but I ran.

“Presley! ” I could hear him shouting in the distance, his voice cracking slightly.

I quickened my paced but my legs grew weak and I knew I couldn’t run anymore. I’d been running for so long. I collapsed onto my knees., my palms landing hard on the ground to break my fall. His footsteps grew closer and soon felt his hands pressing into my shoulders.

“Presley, tell me what’s wrong.” he cooed.

I shook my head, blinking back the tears in my eyes.

“Please. Don’t.” I choked out. My breath came out in puffs and my hair clung to the nape of my neck, wet from the rain.

“Do you want me to take you home? I can take you home. You need to get out of this rain.” Harry spoke calmly.

It was a wonder he was so calm in the middle me of having somewhat of a panic attack.

I swear, this man is an enigma.

A deep sigh escaped his lips and he extended his large hand which I reluctantly took. Harry’s nose had reddened from the cold and the rain had soaked his clothes, causing his hair to cling to his face and neck. There was something different in his eyes, a combination of fear and concern.

The world felt as if it was spinning as I stood to my feet and I gripped tightly to Harry’s arm to keep from falling.

“Alright?” he asked as I tried to steady my breathing.

My only response was to stretch on my toes, wrap my arms around his shoulders and burry my face in the crook of his neck. Harry didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me, rubbing soothing circles up and down my back.

“’S’ alright, love” he drawled.

“Please. Don’t.” I whispered into his skin.

“Don’t what?”

“Please, don’t try to love me.”