Disenchanted

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

No.

No. No. No. No. No.

The doctor’s words kept reverberating in my head, but all I could think to do was deny it. This had to be a joke, right? I mean, it was a sick joke if I ever heard one, but at this point, I think I could handle that. It was better than the alternative, that’s for sure.

The reality that I had literally lost five years of my life was not something I could comprehend, let alone accept. Who would? After all, it sounds so absurd. Even now, it’s like something straight out of some stupid mellow drama on cable TV.

Imagine waking up one day to find that everything in your life was just ‘poof’, gone. Really, who in their right minds would accept that without at least a little bit of denial?

I kept shaking my head, mouthing ‘no’ over and over in hopes that if I resisted enough, it just couldn’t be true.

“It’s true, baby.” My mom whispered, stepping in front of the two nurses so she could crouch by my bedside. She took my shaking hand and gave it a firm squeeze. “I’m so sorry...”

I stared at her, desperate to push her words aside, but I knew her too well. After years of practice, I could tell when my mom was telling the truth, even when it hurt to hear it. “The truth, no matter how painful it is to hear, is better than living a lie,” She’d say.

I’d learned this at a young age.

Growing up, I had a golden retriever named Daisy. She and I were like two peas, always causing ruckus in the house. We were nearly inseparable since the day my mom brought me home from the hospital. But when I was eight, Daisy died while I was at school. I came home like normal, having no idea that the pet I’d had all my life was no longer alive. She’d pulled me aside as soon as I dropped my backpack by the door, and though I knew it was hard for her, she didn’t sugarcoat things with me despite my young age. She put on a brave front, telling me with a crack in her voice that Daisy had passed away and was in heaven now. That same sorrow I’d heard in her voice was present now, and that’s when I knew.

She was telling the truth.

My breathing grew panicked as silent, wet tears began falling down my cheek in a steady stream. “No...” I choked, my voice barely above a whisper.

A nurse next to my mom hushed me and told me to rest my vocal chords, but I growled, feeling the urge to yell at the top of my lungs, I was so upset. I didn’t end up yelling--I didn’t think I could’ve physically muster a yell at that point in time even if I wanted to, but I did give out a few good sobs in it’s place. My mom soothed me as best as she could, even telling me that the rest of the family’d be there shortly to visit, but that was far, far from what I needed, and she knew it. “I need Jack.” I sniffled after a particularly hard sob.

At the mention of my boyfriend, my mom barely flinched. She must’ve expected this. Who am I kidding, he was the father of my child; of course she did. She gave my hand another tight squeeze before nodding in response. “Don’t worry, Christie. I called Jack, too.”

My eyebrows fell at her oddly neutral response, making me wonder why her voice grew flat at his name. I mean, when your girlfriend suddenly wakes up after being in a coma for five years, you’re gonna wanna book your ass to the hospital, right? Why would my mom expect anything less from him? I pursed my lips, deciding to tentatively press on. “Where is Jack, anyway? Is the band still together?”

My mom smirked, as if I’d spouted crazy talk. “Oh, they’re together, alright. Still touring like crazy, those boys. They actually just wrapped up a tour not too long ago, I think.”

I nodded slowly, happy at least to hear my accident hadn’t totally ruined Jack’s life. I could feel my heart quicken as the likelihood of seeing Jack that day increased. I needed to see him desperately, so he could somehow help make sense of the flipped over reality I found myself in. If he still had his place in LA, he could be here in a matter of minutes. “So...he’s in town?”

She took a breath, and was about to open her mouth to respond when the doctor interrupted, nodding towards my quickened BPM on the heart monitor. “I think that’s enough excitement for now, Miss Lawson. We’ll let you have a few minutes alone to process this--meanwhile Mrs. Lawson?” His attention turned to my mom, whose gaze shot up from me to him at the use of her formal married name. “May we have a word outside?”

“I’ll be back in a minute, sweetie.” She whispered to me before complying with the doctor’s wishes, following the small group of medical professionals out the door, leaving me with nothing but my confused thoughts and the sound of my heart monitor to keep me company.

I felt like a child. I was unsure why things happened the way they did, and I was honestly unsure if I wanted to believe what the doctors and my mother, the ‘adults’ were telling me.

And actually, what proof did they have that it was really five years in the future? I couldn’t spot one thing in that room that looked even a bit futuristic as someone who’d only just woken up from 2011. As far as I could tell, anyway.

But then my thoughts flew to my mother, and how devastatingly sad she looked when she confirmed the doctor’s words, and it made my head hurt over the contradiction. She may drive me crazy sometimes, but when it came down to it, I trusted my mother. I trusted my mother to tell me the truth.

And this truth? This truth was a hard sucker to swallow.

My warring thoughts made me ache for Jack. I ached to see that lopsided smile, to lose myself in those chocolate brown eyes. I needed to hear his voice tell me that everything was going to be okay even if from the look of things, nothing was ever going to be the same again.

~*~

Within a half hour, my family was in my room, filling the space to the absolute capacity the hospital would legally allow. “Chris!” Anna ran straight to my bed as soon as she entered the room. Her torso practically fell on top of me as she squeezed me tight. “I’m so glad you’re awake!”

Well, at least Anna hasn’t changed.

“Hey...” I laughed horsely, partly due to the the sore throat and partly due to the fact she was squeezing me so tight. “How’ve you been, cuz?”

“Same old, same old.” Anna shrugged as she released me, smirking as she did so. “Still stuck in San Diego.”

“You weren’t always.” My Aunt Julie piped up, looking over at her daughter from afar. “You went to school in LA, remember?”

Anna rolled her eyes while I stared at her in shock. “You went to school in LA?” I asked.

“Yeah, sorta...” Anna shrugged again, not looking too keen on talking about her education. “I mean, I went to UCLA for like a year to study music, but then I dropped out because the professors were douches and classical snobs. I’m telling you Chris, they wouldn’t know the first thing about rock music.”

“You dropped out?” My jaw unhinged, shocked that she’d give up so quickly on her dreams like that. “But what about your dream of becoming a producer or--”

“I don’t know, things changed.” She sighed. Her gaze fell to the floor. “I don’t think I want that anymore. Music isn’t that important to me, after...” Her voice faded into oblivion, but I could put the pieces together. Had my accident really messed her up that much?

I pursed my lips, knowing that no matter the case, I couldn’t see a version of Anna without music in her life, but didn’t press further. Now was not the time to dig deeper in her psyche. “Oh, okay...”

Paige was next to fill me in. She was now married to some guy who’d founded a big tech conglomerate so she was totally loaded. Of course she bragged about it. I don’t think she meant to, it was just her life after all. It kind of reminded me of when I’d visit my family with Jack; how whenever I talked about my ‘rockstar’ lifestyle, it could’ve been seen as bragging in a way, despite it literally just being the life I fell into. Bragging or not, my aunt was quick to subdue Paige’s tales of grander, allowing other family members to fill me in on what I’d missed while I’d been a sleep.

Madison pretty much looked the same the last time I’d seen her. She’d cut her hair into a long bob and now sported a scar just above her lip, but other than that it looked to me like she hadn’t aged a day. I assumed the scar was from the accident, but she didn’t mention it and I didn’t want to ask. Instead, she told me about how she’d moved back to San Diego the second as she was out of the hospital, and ended up taking a job as a school psychologist to pay the bills. She was now engaged to a teacher at said school.

Then, just as I thought I’d had my fill of catching up with people, a sharp wrap on the door slammed any sort of conversation we’d been having to a halt. I gulped, knowing it either had to be a nurse telling everyone it was time to leave, or it was Jack. From the way the rest of the room was deathly silent, everyone else must’ve come to the same conclusion.

My mom, having moved back to the outer edge of the group, was the closest to the entrance and, after sharing a weirdly hesitant glance with Anna, she opened the door to reveal a disheveled, out of breath looking Jack. “I came here as soon as I could.” He told my mom before his eyes darted up to me. His eyes grew wide, as if he had to do a double take he wasn’t seeing things, that I was really awake after all this time.

“Thank you for coming, Jack.” My mom replied as she opened the door wide enough to let him in the room. As he passed, she grabbed his shoulder and lowered her voice, but considering the utter silence of the rest of the room it wasn’t too hard to miss. “She’s been asking about you.”

I almost retorted with an “I’m right here, you know” but wisely stopped myself at the last second. I wasn’t sure that after five years, those were the first words I would want Jack to hear from me. So instead I kept my eyes glued to him, watching him as he carefully approached my bedside. He took each step carefully and with precision, yet his familiar brown eyes were locked on me.

“I...I can’t believe it.” He whispered. The corners of his mouth jumped up for just a split second, daring him to give that classic Barakat smile, but he resisted. “You’re really awake...” He shook his head slightly and his eyes continued to study me carefully, as if he were afraid that looking away from me for one second would change my current status of not being in a coma.

I swallowed hard, my throat weak and feeling like I’d spewed fire after stubbornly conversing with my family for the last half hour or so. Still, he came all this way, and I wasn’t about to go back to writing on that stupid legal pad. “Jack...” I croaked out. My voice was raw and horse, and it was really starting to throb. “I need to hear it from you. I need to hea--” My voice hitched, but I stubbornly cleared it before simplifying my question. “Is it true?”

He pursed his lips, glancing over at the rest of the family. “Uh, could we have a few minutes alone?”

My mom nodded, ushering the members of my family one by one. Then, just as she was about to exit the room herself, Jack stopped her, whispering something in her ear. She nodded again and, with one last glance towards me, she was out the door.

He didn’t say anything at first. Instead, he grabbed a chair from the corner of the room--the same one my mom had been in when I’d first woken up, I think, and pulled it close to my bedside. He sat down and leaned forward so his elbows rested comfortably on his knees before he uttered a word.

“It’s all true.” He sighed, his tone more serious than I’d ever heard from him before. “The accident changed everything. One second we were about to have a baby together and the next, you were in a coma and I was left at home with a new born.”

I felt a wave of guilt hit me, knowing I should’ve been there. But, instead of dwelling like I easily could’ve, I decided instead to ask Jack what else I’d missed since the accident.

“Uh, the guys’ are still good.” He shrugged, rubbing his jacketed arm in a short, mindless trance. “We’re still touring and putting out music, in case Anna didn’t already tell you.”

“She was oddly mute on the subject, actually.” I replied, tempted to ask him what the hell was up with her, but decided to put it off. It wasn’t like I was already getting hit with a ton of new information as it was. I could hold off on a few things.

Jack just nodded, and I got the feeling he wasn’t all that surprised my cousin didn’t fill me in. “Well, we are. We’re actually getting pretty big, if you can believe it. Maybe not Fall Out Boy, big, but it’s only a matter of time, I’m telling you.”

My eyebrows shot up as my jaw dropped. “Seriously?”

“Yep.” He smiled proudly. “We’re on the radio and everything.”

I laughed, for once feeling not all that shocked over the information I’d just been given. After all, it was always pretty obvious to me that All Time Low were a talented bunch of guys. In my eyes, it was only a matter of time before the rest of the world saw that, too. “It’s about damn time.” I told him with a smirk while he sheepishly smiled back. “I’m proud of you, Jack.” I paused, my mind drifting to another big band in my life. “And Midnight? I mean, I know they probably had to replace me, but Jo had to’ve continued--”

Jack’s smile fell. “Uh, well...” He scrunched up his nose as he hesitantly explained, “That’s actually not the case.”

I stared at him, shocked. I mean, if All Time Low was able to continue their career, why couldn’t Midnight? Sure, I sang the songs, but knowing Jo, she should’ve found some way to get the music out there, even if it meant replacing me for a while. If she had, I knew it wouldn’tve been anything personal. “What?”

“After your accident, Jo decided to disband right away. She says it’s because she couldn’t fathom replacing you after everything you’d done for them.” Jack told me. “Landon and Sam are back in Baltimore, fiddling around with the local scene. I think they even have a side project together, some electronic-punk fusion thing. Mark got married and hasn’t done anything since, as far as I’ve heard. And Jo decided to move more behind-the-scenes. She’s a big producer now. Basically every other song on the radio she’s a part of in some way.”

“That’s amazing.” I breathed, truly happy that despite breaking up, the former members of Midnight still managed to make their mark, however big or small. “Go Jo.”

He chuckled at my mini cheer, “Yeah, she’s definitely a force of nature...”

Silence eloped us as I glanced down at my arms folded over my still-blanketed body. It was so strange, talking about the things I’d missed out on. Everything I’d known was so...different. All Time Low was famous. So was Jo. Midnight was no more. Madison lived in LA. And for whatever strange reason, Anna lost her passion for music.

And good or bad, I missed out on it all.

Suddenly, it was all too much. I swallowed back a new wave of tears, his words hitting me to my core. I felt like I had abandoned him, abandoned my family. “I’m so sorry...”

He frowned at me, confused by my oddly timed apology, “Why are you apologizing? You couldn’t control how things played out. Everything is fine, I promise. I mean, fuck, you’re awake and talking to me, so everything’s already so much better than it’s been in a long time.” He suddenly grabbed my hand and gave it a tight squeeze, the first time I’d felt his skin graze mine since waking up in this hell. He smiled weakly at my sullen face, adding meekly, “And hey, despite all the odds pointing against me, I somehow managed to raise Melody without one trip to the emergency room. So--”

I sucked in a breath, finding it crazy to hear our daughter’s name come from his lips. When my mom had said it, I was still in a hazy state of denial, but now...now I couldn’t deny it any longer. “Mom said that’s what you named her.” I murmured, smiling to myself at the memory of our ‘bet’ on naming the baby.

“I told you I would.” He chuckled, teeth creeping from underneath his lips as he gave me a flash of that familiar Jack charm. “I really hope you’re okay with it cause it’s kinda like, five years too late to change it.”

“I love the name, don’t worry.” I told him honestly as I laughed at his attempt to lighten the mood.

His smile practically lit up the room. “Good.”

Again, the silence consumed us, but oddly enough our conversation never stopped. Though no words were spoken, he kept his gaze on me, silently asking himself if we were really here, in that moment. After all to him, not even an hour ago I was basically nothing but a memory. I let him take this new reality in while I felt an odd calmness wash over me. It was weird, but even with the fact that the world I once knew was literally a thing of the past didn’t scare me. Not when Jack was with me.

It was a good few minutes before he cut through the silence again. Breaking our eye contact, he glanced down to his lap before beginning carefully, “Now, uh...” He cleared his throat. “Speaking of Melody, before you say anything, I should say I didn’t wanna freak you out--I know how surprises go with you, but actually if you’d like, I brought Melody with me. If you’d like to meet her...” His eyes met me once more as he let the sentence hang in the stark air.

She was here? Waiting to meet me?

“Sh--she’s here?” I stuttered, unsure how to process this information. As if this was more shocking than anything else I’d heard that day. I was loosing track over how many shock worthy bits of information I’d been given, but finding out my daughter was waiting to meet me really hit home.

Jack slowly nodded. “Yeah. She’s in the hall with your mom right now, actually.”

I swallowed hard, trying to picture a girl resembling Jack and I with my mother. “With my mom?” I numbly repeated, brows furrowed as a fuzzy picture of a girl with Jack’s dark hair began forming in my mind.

Again, he patiently nodded, watching my reactions closely with observant eyes. “Yeah...do you...do you want to meet her?”

“Well does she know who I am?” I asked, suddenly panicked. This was by no means the way I’d envisioned meeting my daughter for the first time. “I don’t wanna frighten her or anything.” I gestured to the blue dressing gown and the overall bleak appearance of the hospital room. To a child, this couldn’t be the most welcoming of places, especially if in her mind she was just seeing some random lady.

“Of course she knows.” Jack replied, almost looking offended I’d even ask that. “I used to take her to visit you all the time when she was younger, though it’s been harder recently since she’s started school--”

“She’s already in school!” My jaw dropped. I threw my head against the mountain of pillows keeping me in a seated position on the hospital bed. “Fuck, Jack. I’ve already missed so much...”

He sighed, dropping his shoulders slightly as he did. “It doesn’t mean you have to miss out on anything else. I mean, I get that she was a baby yesterday to you, but this is your reality now. She’s a walking, talking five year old girl who has heard stories about her mom since the day she was born. Now, I’m not gonna force you, but she’s really excited to meet you, if you’re willing.”

I stared at him then, at a loss over what I wanted to do.

Was I willing? After all, I’d already been thru a hell of a lot for a lifetime, let alone one freaking afternoon. I was pretty sure Jack would understand if I wanted to hold off meeting Melody.

But, thing was, I knew I was kinda dying to see her. I desperately wanted to see the beautiful tiny human Jack and I had helped create, to see what she was like. Which is why, before I could second guess myself, I nodded and said with the most confidence I could muster, “Yeah. I want to meet Melody.”