Bury Me

I blankly stare up at the ceiling my mind still racing from Jared’s words. This couldn’t have come at a worse time. I can hear him breathing uneasily next to me as he anticipates my reaction. I slowly turn on to my right side to face him. He’s giving me that look, that one that he has before he gives me bad news. The one that says ‘I’m sorry but please understand this is hurts me too.’

He pulls his blanket up to his neck like a small child who’s afraid of the dark. “Are you mad at me?”

I pull my beanie off of my head and toss it on the floor. Yes, I’m mad. I’m incredibly annoyed. I’m shaking inside. I’m mad that my boyfriend is leaving again for the second time this year and not because he has to go but because he wants to leave. Instead of saying that, I shake my head no and say. “You just got home, Jare and you’re leaving again. Not to mention you’re telling me the night before you leave...” I feel my breathing getting shaky. “Our relationship is on the back burner again, you forget about me.”

“Willow.” He rests his hand on my hip and pulls me closer to him. “I’ve never forgotten about you and babe, I’ve always come home to you. When have I ever forgotten about you?” His blue eyes stare at me with concern resting in them. “You can always come and tour with me. You know we always have stuff to do and the guys love you. I love you.”

I roll my eyes and turn to my other side. Staring at the white wall I do my best to contain my emotions. I never thought it would be this hard, trust me. It was much easier before his fame exploded into what it is now.

“I can’t go with you and you know that.” I bury my face in my pillow. “I can’t just take time off from school and pretend like I’m a rock star too.” I remind him. “I’m graduating in five months and you’re not even going to be there for it. I hate that.”

I feel Jared scoot closer to me. He lightly snakes his arms around my waist and pulls me close to him. His lips gently brush against my neck and his breathing sends chills down my spine. The warmth of his body instantly relaxes mine. All I want to do is melt against him but I’m being stubborn and I want to stand my ground even if it sounds pointless.

“Can’t you take winter term off and go back in the spring? C’mon, I’ll be back and we can have late study nights again…we can role play and, you know stuff.” The vibration of his voice pulsates through every single one of my cells sending tiny butterflies through my stomach. He tightens his grip around my waist and lightly nibbles at my ear.

“You can’t ask that of me. I’m not asking you to stay here and forget about your dreams of being an artist. You can’t ask me to prolong my dreams either.” I remind him. “Besides, the longer I procrastinate the longer I will be stuck in school and I won’t be able to be with you.”

I finally give in and turn to my side. Our foreheads lightly touch and our nose barely brush against one another’s. I lightly kiss his lips causing his excitement to grow. I can feel a smile form across his lips as he pulls me closer. I’m not giving into him, not yet. I gently pull away from him and lightly run my fingers through his shaggy black hair.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” He lightly adjusts himself in the bed causing my head to drop to his chest. “Can’t we do online schooling? It’s the best of both worlds. I get to have you with me and you won’t have to miss me.”

I put my hand under his shirt and gently run my hands over his toned chest. “They don’t offer that for lawyers. You said it yourself it’s only six months. You’ll be back in no time.”
Call it whatever you may but getting under Jared’s skin was almost a hobby. Besides, those are the exact words he used on me earlier in the day.

He deeply sighs. “Six long months.” He stares up at the ceiling. “All of those women…god, it’s going to be really painful for me.” He teases.

I pull my hand out from under his shirt. I feel my body start to tense. I know he’s kidding but he’s hitting my worst fears and insecurities. I wonder if he knows how much I think about him leaving me for another woman or him slipping up and cheating on me. In my heart I knew he wouldn’t do it but a part of me gets nauseous every time I think about it. It’s not like the public knew we were more than friends. Jared didn’t allow that to be known he says it’s for my own protection and that he wants me for himself but sometimes I wonder if he was ashamed of me or if it was our age gap that made him feel weird but nine years wasn’t that big of an age gap, at least not in my mind.

“Hey.” He pulls me right back to him and kisses my temple. “I’d never do anything like that; you have to know that by now.”

I bury my face in his chest. “Then stop saying it.” I mutter. “You’re saying it like it’s nothing but how am I supposed to feel? You’re miles away from me all the time, J.” I feel my emotions growing more intense. “It’s hard enough living in this secrecy and people not knowing you have a girlfriend. It makes me feel gross knowing that women throw themselves at you thinking they could possibly have a chance with the man I love!” I can feel my blood boiling. Why does he think it’s so funny?

He tightly squeezes me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Look, I love you and only you. I need you to understand that the only reason I want to keep you out of the limelight is for your own protection. You’re twenty-five and have a life that is already difficult enough without the paparazzi.”

“I know you think you are protecting me Jare, but there has to be some point when I can post a picture on Myspace of us having fun together and not worry if I say something like ‘me and my boyfriend having a blast’ It’s been five years…”

Jared pulls his arm out from underneath my head and lays flat on his back. His eyes travel around the ceiling. He won’t make eye contact with me. “I don’t know what to tell you. Why’s it such a big deal? Do you want people to be invasive in our lives?”

I’ve had enough. He doesn’t seem to get it and I don’t know why I bother to explain myself anymore. I sit up and hang my feet over the side of the bed. “I’m just tired of everyone calling me your best friend when I’m more than that. I’ve been here for the rise of your fame. I’ve stuck by you this whole time. You used to hold my hand in public and let it be known that I’m your girlfriend, now it’s like I’m nothing and I’m tired of it.” I stand up and grab the throw blanket from the edge of the bed.

He sits up. “Where are you going?”

“To the couch. I can’t stay in here and argue things that you won’t try to understand from my perspective.”

He rolls his eyes obviously growing frustrated from my words. “You’re age is showing right now.”

My heart beats faster in my chest. I’m going to explode. I take in a deep breath as I walk out of the room I say, “Goodnight Jared.”