Anxiety

"What are you doing?" Tyson came into the room in the back that my regular bar lets me have for when I perform. I looked up from my book to respond to one of the people that I resented the most yet still loved.
"Uh, reading?" I held up the book to show him, not that he really cared. He rolled his eyes and strolled up to me to snatch the paperback from my hands.
"We don't have time for that. You should be practicing and warming up." His annoyance made me want to snap back but I knew better than that. I held my tongue, especially since I was about to go on in just a few short minutes.
"Okay." He stepped a little closer towards me.
"Don't start getting shitty with me. I'm not in the mood for it today." It didn't matter what way I talked to him, he always thought I was being shitty with him. I feigned remorse and looked down.
"I'm sorry." He snorted as a way that led me to believe that he didn't actually think I was sorry.
"Yea, I'm sure you are. Start warming up." He left the room, taking my romance novel with him.
He wasn't a fan of me reading. He hated it actually. Thought it was a sign of weakness, especially when I get really wrapped up in a story. And if I cried because the woman fell in love with the man that was pursuing her, or the woman of his life died in a car accident, oh it was game over. I'd have bruises for a week for crying over something so stupid but not crying because I'm so in love with him. I wouldn't say that I'm in love with Tyson. I care for him and I do love him. But I'm not in love with him. Who could be? Who could be in love with a monster? A woman beater? A cold and heartless human being who couldn't care less what happened to the woman who he supposedly loved or was in love with. The woman who he married and shared vows with. The woman he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with. It's almost as if the moment we said 'I do' he stopped caring. It was about a week after our honeymoon that he finally decided that I wasn't living the way that he wanted. That's when he decided to take over my singing career and become my manager. That and he didn't approve of all the men gawking at me while I was on stage, not that there's anything he can do about that. He knows as well as I do that the moment he strikes another man for looking at me the wrong way, he's out.
The boss of the bar that I normally do shows for, Edgar, is a very sweet older man. He loves his bar almost as much as he loves his wife. He takes care of me too. But Tyson is not someone he tolerates. He makes sure that Tyson stays away from me when I'm on stage. I wouldn't say he knows exactly what goes on between the two of us but I do know that he knows something isn't right with our relationship. Edgar is one of the sweetest men I have ever come to know. He gives everyone a chance before he turns them down. Especially with the shows that he puts on. He lets random people in to take a shot on stage and ALWAYS makes sure I'm available to come and sing for his regulars who have come to love me.
"Is that what you're wearing?" Tyson interrupts my train of thought eyeing the outfit I've chosen to wear. A simple black dress with sparkles that line the bottom hem and a v-line neck. It shows off a little more cleavage than what I would normally wear but it was a dress from my mom and I wanted to wear it in case they decided to show up tonight. Usually they make an appearance to at least two of my shows a month but tonight is a special night for me. We're celebrating my year of performance at Edgar's bar "Lifes Choices."
"You know I got this from my mom. If she shows up tonight I want her to see me in it." I try to defend myself.
"You know I don't like those kind of clothes on you. They make you look slutty. And I'm not about to have every single pervert in this damn place gawk at you like they're some teenage boy looking at a porn magazine for the first time ever."
"Well if you want me to change then you're going to have to go home to get clothes. I didn't bring anything else with me." Tyson slammed the door shut to my room to keep our conversation private from the employees that could easily hear us.
"You did that on purpose didn't you?" His accusatory tone ran chills down my spine.
"No, I didn't think you would disapprove."
"Of course. You never think. You're dumber than a box of rocks. You'd be lost without me." He always like to tell me that. I wouldn't survive without him. I'm helpless. I can't do this. I can't do that. He has to do everything. I sat there and listened, knowing better than to say anything back to him for fear that he might strike like a venomous snake. "Are you listening to me?" I looked up.
"Yes, I'm listening. I'm sorry. Next time I'll be sure to ask your permission before I dress myself. Since I'm so dependent on you." I walked around him to exit the room. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
"Just because you have to go does not mean this conversation is over. We'll talk about this and your attitude when we get home." I pulled on my arm to make him release me and he did. I didn't dare say another word. I knew I had already said too much. I got an attitude, yes, but I'm tired of it. I want nothing more than to leave. I want to be swept away by the man of my dreams. Not the man of my nightmares.
"Harley!" The shout made me jump and I quickened my pace.
"Harley!" This time I recognized the voice as sweet Mr. Edgar. I stopped and turned around to face him.
"Hi Edgar. Sorry about that. I didn't hear you." I quickly lied to avoid discussing the conversation. He noticed.
"Everything okay?" His concern made me smile.
"Yea, I'm good. Did you need something? I'm about to go on."
"Oh, of course. I'll make this quick. I have a new guy who just came in this morning to inquire about the live show we do here. He offered to give me an audition so I could hear his pipes and I was completely blown away." I loved listening to Edgar boast about newbies. It makes me so happy that he has found happiness in listening to others sing. "Anyways, before you turn me down, I wanted to see how you would feel about doing a duet with him. Maybe you two could get together sometime after one of the shows and write something together?" I was taken away with his suggestion.
"Am I not living up to your expectations Edgar?" The hurt on my face must have been pretty obvious.
"Oh, honey, no!! You are amazing. I was only thinking that we could do this to kind of spice things up a bit. It's nothing against you sweetie. You're the main talent I have. I think if the two of you paired up it might make things a little more interesting for you. I would hate for you to leave us because you got bored. You understand right?" He seemed incredibly remorseful.
"I understand. How about you call him in and we can do some vocalizations after the show. I'd love to hear him." I smiled at the little old man. He was like a grandfather to me. I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me so this must mean he's finally found someone to pair me with since he knows that I have gotten a little bored singing by myself. I've been looking for someone to sing with for months. But I was searching for someone that was a little more on the lady side of life, per Tyson's rules. Shit. Tyson. "Um, I'm not sure that Tyson would agree to this." Edgar gave me a sardonic look.
"You let me deal with him. He can't control every aspect of this career honey. If you want to make it out there with the big leagues you need to start doing whats best for you. And, even though i know you would make it out there on your own, this man might help you get to where you need to be. You let me deal with Tyson." I smiled and nodded.
"Okay Edgar. I trust you. I'm going to head out there now."
"Alright honey. Knock 'em dead!" He hugged me and headed back in the direction of my room. Every ounce of me wanted to run in there to beg Tyson to let me do this. I've been dreaming of having someone to sing with for months now. This is my opportunity. I can only hope that Tyson agrees to this.
I walked up to the edge of the curtain and let Alexis fix me up with the mic. I closed my eyes and imagined how it would feel to be able to sing with someone. To do a duet with someone. Sing something original. I don't sing any of my stuff. Tyson makes sure to write what I sing. Which is one of the most frustrating things I have ever had to deal with. I hate the stuff he writes up. Not much of the crowd likes it either but they like the way I sound. I normally try to switch it up and add my own words. But only when I feel like I can take the heat from Tyson later. When I mix up his songs or add my own lyrics to it he likes to make sure that I know that I'm an ungrateful piece of shit. Something I've grown very used to though.
"All set girlfriend. Set them on fire." Alexis smiled at me and stepped away. I took a deep breath and stepped out onto the stage to do the thing I loved most.
Once my set was done I stepped behind the curtain to greet Tyson, who looked like he was eager for my arrival. I knew that Edgar had talked to him. I just wasn't sure why he didn't look as upset as I assumed he would. He looked... almost happy.
"Did Edgar talk to you?" He smirked. He knew I knew that he did.
"Oh yea, old man must have lost his mind. Thinking I would let you sing with another male, that's priceless." I knew it, I thought to myself.
"So you're answer was no then?"
"Guess again." I looked up from my fixed spot on the floor.
"You said yes?" I don't get it. What's he up to?
"Yep. I'm not going to let him run the way me and my old lady do our job. You're going to go to this little vocal thing and then you're going to tell him yourself that you're not interested in singing with him because you don't think he has what it takes to get you where you need to be. I trust that you can manage that on your own. I do have things at home that I would like to get done. Catch a ride with someone, yea?" And with that he walked away in the direction of the exit for employees.
I knew it. I knew I would never be able to do something that I wanted to do. I mentally kicked myself for getting my hopes up, thinking that Tyson would for once let me do something that could take me to bigger and better places. Maybe i shouldn't do this. Maybe I should just go home. I could tell Edgar that I'm really tired and need to go home to rest. I can't do that to Edgar though. And as much as I didn't want to, I started walking towards Edgar's office.