Three Guys and a TV Show
Episode 1
SCENE 1
(Scene one begins with Dave, Cory, and Steve driving down the road on their way to California.)
Cory
So Steve, you're telling me that you just completely broke it off?
Steve
Oh yeah! She was super depressed when she found out... We were supposed to go out tonight and celebrate our one year anniversary together. ....Nah.
Dave
Dang. Heart of a serial killer right there.
Steve
Look. It's not that difficult… She wasn't a good cook. Might as well cut this thing off now before I have to choke my way through another to steak or God forbid, her dry brownies. The kitchen is a foreign land to this woman and she clearly can't speak the language.
Cory
Let's back up a minute here; what do you mean when you say "when she found out?" Didn't you tell her face-to-face?
Steve
Oh no way, I would've been late for our road trip.
Dave
So...
Steve
So what?
Dave
What happened?! How did she find out?
Steve
Oh, I figured that was obvious… She's at dinner, and I'm not. She's been blowing up my phone the whole time we've been in the car.
Cory
That's cold man. I mean I understand she was a terrible cook but that's a skill that you can learn. I'm not sure if that merits you leaving her the way you did.
Dave
Yeah man, I'm kind of worried about your social skills. That's not how you end a relationship.
Steve
Thanks Dr. Phil...means a lot coming from someone who went to college for a day. Guys, for real, this is simple okay; she can't cook and I'm moving across the country… It's over. Business is business.
(Dave goes to talk to Steve again and Cory makes eye contact with him in the rear view mirror, shaking his head no (basically saying it's time to give up on this conversation.)
It's quiet for a minute. Sound of the car driving down the road and rush of passing cars.
Dave
All I'm saying is...
Cory
Dead horse man. It's over.
Steve
I don't know what you guys keep crying about. I'm a free man...I’m feeling that OJ kind of freedom. I'm happy. I'm moving to Cali with you guys so I don't have to make any new friends. Plus, I just farted and I'm locking the windows.
(Cory and Dave slowly feel and smell the stench overtaking the inside of the car.)
Dave
Cmon! Why???
Cory
Dave hold your breath!
(Cory takes a deep breath in before the smell hits him.)
Dave
You do realize that the humidity in here just changed. It's easily 60-70 percent higher.
Steve
You're in the jungle baby!! I needed to drop heat 25 miles ago.
(The guys look back at Cory still trying to hold his breath so he doesn't have to smell the fart.)
Steve
You know you've made a decision here, holding your breath, that's got some pretty devastating consequences.
Dave
Yeah, initially it's smart...a knee jerk reaction, fight or flight if you will. You hold your breath in an effort not to take in the smell yet you forget to realize that Steve has unleashed a hellcat that's hellbent on destroying your sense of smell forever.
Steve
Like Jordan dunking from the foul-line...he's just hanging out. You really think you're going to outlast this don't you?
Cory
(Shakes his head yes but he starts to reach for the window and shows a little bit of panic.)
Dave
It's not that bad once you get it all in your system. It's something you have to accept and live with...it literally will grow on you. (Coughs and gags.)
Cory
(Starts to hit the window.)
Steve
(Looks at Cory in the rear view mirror)...Growlers coming for ya.
Cory
(Tries kicking the window.)
(Takes a huge breath in to keep from passing out.)
Oh. Oh. Oh, God! Dude, it's in my throat!
(Gags)
(Coughs)
How does this happen?! Why? I need a rape whistle for my nostrils. It would literally be better to have two broken legs right now. Steve pull over...Steve, seriously, I think I'm going to puke. Steve! Steve!
(Dave and Steve are laughing so hard in the front seats they start to tune out Cory's complaining. Cory pukes in the backseat and kills all the laughter. The guys are immediately and negatively affected by both smells mixing together in the now humid air of the vehicle.)
Dave
Geez dude, what's wrong with you?
Cory
What's wrong with me?! He's on a full, Skittle-duster rampage.
Steve
Oh it's more than a duster.
Dave
Steve put the windows down, this is too much.
Steve
I can't.
Cory
What do you mean you can't?
Steve
I mean I cannot put the windows down.
Dave
As much as we all love it and never feel awkward at all when you commit to taking a joke extremely too far; I need to know for real: you cannot or you will not put the windows down?
Steve
I mean that it's physically impossible for me to put the windows down. Something is broke. They aren't working right for some reason.
Dave
Oh God.
Cory
Gas station! (Cory points to a gas station close by.)
(Steve pulls into the gas station and the guys all but dive out of the car. Cory's door is locked and he fights with it a few seconds before he can get out like Matthew Perry, "The Whole Nine Yards" style.)
SCENE 2
(Scene 2 opens up with the guys walking through the gas station finding snacks to eat and supplies to clean the car.)
Bill the Thrill
If you boys need any help just let me know. I'll be up here reading my horoscopes and watching my soaps.
Steve
Yeah sure. Thanks.
Cory
I'll be in the bathroom.
Dave
Yeah, good call. Hey, what's up with stoner McNam over there?
Steve
Not a clue...he's scrambled eggs upstairs for sure.
Dave
I guarantee you he's got some human flesh ready for the grill somewhere around here.
Steve
I'd go for a few femur steaks right now; I'm starving.
Dave
So we're going full-blown cannbalism here huh?
Steve
Oh yeah. I'm guessing that you could throw a little breading on pretty much anything and it would be a suitable meal at this point.
Dave
So do you think Cory could eat human meat? You know with his food allergy and all.
Steve
Well if you take of the breading off I'm sure it'd be free game for him. We could probably find some real snacks though.
Dave
Obviously that's what we're here for, I'm just saying...I've been watching these videos on human cloning. Everyone is all worried about identities being stolen and whatnot but I can't ignore the fact that it would make for a steady supply of food after the markets crash for the final time.
Steve
Well, now I've got questions.
Dave
Shoot.
Steve
First off, you're proposing that we grow humans just to eat them?
Dave
Oh yeah. We do it with cows and chickens.
Steve
Ok, just making sure I heard you correctly. So the markets?
Dave
Well Stephen, you'll see. After the elites back out and ship off to their private islands we'll all be stuck here with an upturned government and society led by anarchists.
Steve
Gotcha.
Cory
You guys ready to get outta here?
Steve
You're not going to get anything?
Cory
Considering I just threw up the food I ate earlier plus whatever amount of fart I ingested I think I'm good for a day or so.
(Steve reaches for a king-size bag of Skittles. Dave looks him right in the eyes and they have a brief stare down. Steve looks at the skittles and then back at Dave. Dave looks at the skittles and then back at Steve. Cory stands there with a panicked look. Steve slowly reaches for another bag on the shelf. Dave smacks the skittles out of his hand and they roll all over the floor.)
Cory
Alright then, good talk.
(The guys walk up to the register.)
Bill the Thrill
Where you boys headed?
Steve
Back out to our car.
Cory
Sorry, it's the sugar talking.
Dave
We're heading to California...going to write our own TV show. Make it big. You know.
Bill the Thrill
I've had this idea for a TV show for a long time: it's a boxing ring that just drops out of the sky and then people fight in the ring.
Steve
Hey Cory you getting all this down on paper? Don't want to miss out on any good ideas.
Cory
(Walks up in front of the other guy the the register.)
Get whatever you guys want, it's on me.
Dave
Oh yeah? Where's all this money coming from all of a sudden?
Cory
A few friends I got together with before we left: Capital One, American Express, and Discover.
Steve
Is that a Victoria's Secret credit card?
Cory
What? No.
Steve
Dude, that a Victoria's Secret credit card. Explain.
Cory
They've got these socks that are unbelievably comfortable.
Dave
Lies.
Cory
The men's cologne...
Dave
Lies.
Cory
Honestly...
Steve
Out with it!
Cory
It's my moms.
Steve
Stop.
Dave
There we go. Gross. Let's just say it's for the cologne so I can sleep tonight.
Cory
Anyway...I've got just enough of a credit line left for these snacks and a tank of gas.
Steve
I'm hoping that means you've got a $200-$300 credit line.
Cory
Let's add a few zeros...say four more?
Dave
$30,000?!??
Cory
Oh yeah. Baller.
Steve
Not at all. So you're $30,000 in debt?
Cory
Yeah. Well, per card so like $90,000ish.
Steve
Stop. Give me all of your cards right now.
Cory
Dude chill...it's all good. We're moving to California. That's like thousands of miles away. If we ever move back then I'll be in deep but Cali is a fresh start!
Dave
You're never off the grid man. They'll get us all eventually...just a matter of time.
Steve
Wow. Just so I'm sure I heard this correctly...you're saying that this tremendous debt was incurred over...?
Cory
Well, yesterday. So one day.
Steve
One day?!? This is almost unbelievable. Give me your wallet.
Dave
So $90,000...where is everything at then?
Cory
That's the thing. There's actually nothing left.
Steve
Haha this just keeps getting better.
Dave
Yeah, so what's the deal here?
Cory
Well on Monday when we planned to leave I had this thought: "why not one last hurrah here before I leave." So I applied for a few credit cards and boom I'm rich.
Steve
Well no. It's not your money...or money at all really.
Cory
So you're a financial advisor now?
Steve
Well let's start here: I have a savings account that I put money in on a regular basis.
Dave
Oh wow. I really need to get my life together.
Steve
What, you don't save your money?
Dave
Not a penny.
Steve
You physically have money on you or in an account somewhere, correct?
Dave
Well let's not get all crazy here, never can be too sure who is listening.
Steve
Do you have money?
Dave
Welllll... let's define money. See there is actually no backing for the dollar. They want us to think that there's a bunch of gold but I've got my suspicions. Probably a bunch of hipsters making scarves and drinking twenty dollar espresso shots over at the Reserve.
(Steve stares at Dave almost emotionless and dumbfounded by what he's just said.)
Steve
Wallets.
(Steve motions for the guys to cough up any credit cards or cash they have on them. Cory and Dave reluctantly, like children being scolded, hand over their wallets as they all get into the car.
Steve
There we go.
(The guys take off in the car and make there way down the road. Dave changes the radio stations to try and find something to listen to. He comes across a country music station...)
Cory
Oh! Hold it.
(Dave stops on the channel and it's a horrible sounding country song.)
Steve
Nope.
Dave
Big fan of this stuff eh?
Cory
I meant like hold on because I thought I left my phone back at the gas station.
Dave
Yeah but what you really mean is that you like country music.
Cory
Who, me? Oh no, not at all. I say we take all of the country folks and string them up for the whole world to see.
Steve
A bit excessive but I like it. I'm definitely hearing a love for country music though.
Dave
Yeah, you're trying too hard to prove you're hatred for it. It's the same tactic that closeted gay guys use? "Oh this is my wife, so-and-so. We never make love but I shop with her and we go to anti-gay rallies." Turns out he really likes to mud wrestle with dudes and has a boyfriend on the side.
Cory
Yeah but I'm not gay.
Steve
Interesting.
Dave
Very interesting.
Cory
What now?
Steve
Well I'm just spitballing here but it would also seem that you bat for the other team. Or catch, I'm not sure yet.
Cory
Ha ha ...that's hilarious. I'm just saying that a gay guy reference doesn't apply here because I'm not gay.
Dave
I can see that this has completely floated over your head so maybe we can let this go.
Cory
Whatever you say man...I'm just saying, I'm not gay.
Steve
Can't do it. I can't let it go. Look, here's the thing. Nobody was calling you gay. Dave was using an anecdotal situation to reference the main principle behind your actions regarding country music.
Dave
Yeah, but instead of hearing my point you adamantly had to let everyone know you weren't gay...just like you were so quick to try and prove that you hate country music.
Cory
Proves nothing.
Steve
Dude it's okay if you're a sword fighter. It's not okay if you like country music.
Dave
Agreed. Liking dudes might actually be easier than dating women. But there no excuse for listening to country music.
Steve
How so?
Dave
Let's talk money. Men earn way more than their female counterparts.
Steve
Amen.
Dave
On average a man makes at least 100 times more than his female counterpart and the females are a weak-wristed species not being able to break through the glass ceiling and all.
Steve
Solid stats there. They're good in the kitchen though. Well not everyone obviously...that's why she's still sitting at dinner by herself.
Cory
After hearing that, gayness and country music are the least of our problems.
Dave
Yeah Steve, I was just stating facts. Now you're just sounding misogynistic.
Steve
Women are made for the kitchen: fact.
Cory
All downhill from here.
Dave
Steve, you know you can't say these things outside of this vehicle, correct?
Steve
They told me I couldn't piss into the wind but you don't see me going with the flow do you?
Cory
Not sure what you mean there. I mean I feel like we usually understand one another fairly well but this one is just too far out there. You gotta reel yourself back in if we're going to make any traction in this conversation.
Steve
I'll admit, I was trying extremely hard to make the phrase "pissing in the wind" fit there but I agree it lacked context and the X factor I was looking for.
Dave
Steve I need my wallet.
Steve
Nah, I'm good.
Dave
Seriously, I need to pay a bill online real quick and I need my debit card.
Steve
Only on one condition...
Dave
Whatever is going to speed this process up. AT&T don't play games and I can't risk having my phone cut off.
Steve
It goes right back into my pocket when you're done.
Dave
Sure. Why not? Whatever you say Dad.
(Steve hands Dave's wallet over to Dave and Dave looks at his card and starts typing his number into his phone. Steve looks over to double check he's doing what he said he was going to do.)
Steve
Are you shopping on Amazon?
Dave
No, I'm paying bills.
Steve
Let me see that.
Dave
Dude, chill.
Steve
I don't want to have to do this but you guys are forcing my hand here. I figured you both would at least like to eat food again at some point in your lives, correct?
Dave
Welllll... let's define food here. See, the pharmaceutical companies own the farmers...
Steve
And I own your wallets. At least until we get to California. Then if you guys feel like starving to death I'll come and watch.
Dave
Let's not forget who got us into this mess in the first place.
Steve
Yeah. So, Cory how do you plan on taking care of this financial noose you've willingly slipped your neck into?
Dave
Well I was thinking about the Bush administration but...
Cory
We are currently in the midst of my plan; move out of state and start over. I'm still pretty sure that debt stays in the state it was incurred in. I can't imagine the credit card companies from home having any interest in a California resident.
Steve
We're going to have to invest in some serious financial education for you. Going by what you just said I'm having trouble believing that you dress yourself in the morning.
Dave
I have a question: how do I stop this awkward situation that's happening between us all right now?
Cory
Not sure that’s helping but nice try.
Steve
Let's just drive. Let's forget about the mistakes we made and the people we left at the dinner table alone and just enjoy the open road.
Dave
Sounds good to me.
(Cory is scrolling through his phone like a mad man because he sees a local newspaper article about Dave and how he quit his job at the music school he gave lessons and recorded at.)
Cory
Whoa. Dave, I like your style here man.
Dave
Haha, what?
Cory
Looks like you made a few questionable decisions before we left too. Check out this article in the Local Times. The title literally says, "Local Music Teacher Verbally Abuses Students." Hahaha
Steve
Oh wow! This could not have come at a better time; South Dakota Is. The. Worst.
Cory
Says here that you referred to one of your students as a "little accident put on this earth by mistake."
Dave
Okay, that's a bit extreme. What I said was, "You're all little accidents and that's no mistake."
Steve
Pretty sure the degree of verbal abuse in both statements is equal.
Dave
Oh what, you guys all of a sudden grow a liking for little kids?
Cory
Nope.
Steve
Not at all, I applaud your efforts sir. Still would really like to hear this story though.
Dave
There's really no story. When we decided on Monday that we were officially leaving I made a list of things and then said a few out loud on my last day.
Cory
Premeditated. That's like 25 to life.
Steve
Worth it.
Cory
So where's the list? Let's hear it.
Dave
I didn't keep the list. Just a frame of reference for the day of.
Steve
You're telling me that you didn't save the list from what was possibly the best day of your musical teaching career? The list that you used to stiff-arm these young-bloods into their rightful place? The list that could very well change the course of your career forever? Dave I need the list, even if it's just to get me through South Dakota.
Cory
No need. I read down farther here and it says they actually found a list in Dave's desk drawer in his office at the studio. It’s all posted right here.
Steve
You're going to want to go ahead and forward me that article.
(Show cuts to a flashback of Dave telling students off and throwing things in the classroom.)
Dave in flashback
"Well, well, well...here we are. All of us. Together. Not for much longer though. You're going to grow up and honestly at least half of you won’t make it. I mean that literally; half of you will die without accomplishing anything in your short lifetime. But hear me now you little accidents, and that’s no mistake. None of you should be musicians. Ever. I'd encourage every single one of you to put your instruments down and never pick them up again.
(A kid puts his guitar down and goes to walk out of class. Dave chucks a chalkboard eraser at him and hits him right in the back of the head and chalk dust explodes out of the eraser.)
Dave in flashback
(Talking to the kid he just hit in the head with the eraser)
And you! Don’t you ever change Jimmy.
School Kid
(As he’s wiping chalk dust out of his eyes and of of his face)
Mr. Dave my name is Eric.
Dave in flashback
Jimmy listen to me real close here for a second. Have you ever heard of cancer? They say that by the time you turn eighteen one out of every two musicians will be diagnosed with an untreatable form of cancer. Here’s the good news Jimmy; you’re not, nor will you ever be a musician so you only have a one and three chance of dying from this deadly disease.
(Dave looks at the overweight kids in the class.)
Any of you plan on walking after the age of 21?
(Kids stare at Dave mindlessly)
Let me fill you in on something here...it’s called Diabetes. I’m pretty sure that all of you already have it but I just want you to know that you can’t play an instrument without limbs.
(One of the overweight students staring at Dave opens a bag of Cheetos and starts eating them as Dave is talking about diabetes.)
Dave in flashback
You’re kidding me right? You can kiss all your fingers goodbye after you’re done licking all the Cheeto dust of of them.
(Security announces themselves and bangs on Dave’s classroom door. Dave lets them in and mouths to his students “Not a word!” He looks at the chubby kid again because it seems as though he is going to speak up to the security guards. Dave looks at him and mimes a pair of scissors cutting of finger on his other hand and points directly at the kid.)
Security
Sorry, we heard some loud noises in here and the administrator asked us to come and check it out.
Dave in flashback
Oh, no problem at all. Sometimes their love for music can get the best of them. Some up-and-coming musicians in here I’ll tell you.
(The security guards see the kid covered in chalk dust. They look at him and he just stares at them helplessly. There’s an awkward pause and moment of silence in the classroom. The security guards look at Dave like they are about to question him on it.)
Security
Well...we’ll get out of your way. You all have a good day.
(Security guards leave and as the door shuts behind them Dave addresses the class once more)
Dave in flashback
Did everyone take notes? Good, good...because most of you will peak as a part-time security guard somewhere in this failing town.
(Cuts back to the guys in the car as Dave finishes telling the guys about everything)
Dave
And that’s pretty much it. Teaching is all about give and take. They’ll all thank me someday.
Steve
Yeah, that’s if they don’t spend the rest of their lives trying to hunt you down and murder you with a rifle as they sit high up in a clock-tower. They would have already known you were going to be where you were going to be that day so they’ve been sitting in this tower for three days living off of protein bars and soiling themselves...just waiting for the right moment. The moment you walk into their crosshairs and...BOOM.
Cory
That’s pretty specific. Also scary.
Steve
Just a dream of mine.
Dave
I’m just glad that it was only in our local paper. Nobody reads that and I’m convinced that half the people in our old town can’t read anyway.
Cory
Scratch that. I’ve got in on Huffington Post and Buzzfeed so far.
Steve
Brilliant.
Dave
I don’t even know where to start with this. Do I get paid for this? Is this considered slandering my character?
Steve
Pretty sure you already did that yourself.
Cory
The enjoyment is payment enough. This is all pro-bono Dave.
Dave
It’s not that big of a deal right? It will eventually fade away when someone’s grandma breaks a hip trying out a hoverboard or a celebrity posts another nude selfie on Instagram.
Steve
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Dave
Thanks.
Steve
Seriously though, we might be able to leverage this at some point and use it to our advantage for the TV show.
Cory
There we go. Always got the ideas that lead to the money. You’re like a young Bill Gates with way less money or potential.
Steve
Thanks man.
Cory
Anytime.
Dave
How much longer are we thinking for this drive?
Steve
GPS says about another four hours.
Dave
Let’s stop at the next gas station...I need to eat something. I’m starving.
Steve
Yeah that’s fine, we need fuel anyway.
Cory
Funny thing here; we’re probably going to have to pull over now.
Steve
No-can-do. We’re making some great time and we need to hit LA before rush hour or we’ll be stuck in traffic for hours.
Cory
I’m telling you I can’t wait. I think some of the snacks we bought at the last place had something in them that I’m allergic to. I’m about to light this whole vehicle up with a soupy diarrhea smell like you’ve never smelled in your life.
Dave
Steve, I’m only going to say this once...pull over or I’m jumping out. We’re barely free from your Skittle rampage earlier and I don’t really do science but all these smells have to be dangerous at some point.
Steve
Where do you guys expect me to pull over? There is absolutely nothing around here.
Cory
Dude! Just give me those trees, now!
(Steve pulls the car over immediately and Cory stumbles out as soda cans and water bottles come crashing out with him. Cory yells back at the guys as he runs and stumbles into the woods.)
Cory
Wait for me! Wait for me! Trust me this will be quick.
(Steve and Dave rifle through the different snack bags, reading through the ingredient lists to see what might have triggered Cory’s allergic reaction.)
Steve
Disodium Phosphate. Blue Lake 40. Diglycerides. I can’t even pronounce half of this stuff. What is all this?
Dave
Chemicals. Pure chemicals.
Steve
I’ve never read or seen anything like this. What is it though?
Dave
I’m not a scientist but I’d say that’s one big money maker list you’re reading there. See, the pharmacies create the food with chemicals that keep us sick so we will need to buy their drugs to stay healthy. It’s a vicious cycle.
Steve
You know what? That actually makes sense. I get that but what is this list?
Dave
You mean the ingredient list?
Steve
Ahh, that makes sense.
Dave
You’re telling me that you’ve never heard of an ingredient list? You’ve never read through the ingredients on the food you eat or buy?
Steve
Nah. I’ve never really seen the point. My body always works at 100% efficiency. I’ll eat, my body uses what it needs for energy and muscle mass and then immediately evacuates all remaining waste.
Dave
That sounds like a condition. I’d probably get that checked out as soon as possible. You know what? You might have an allergy like Cory.
Steve
Nope.
Dave
I think science would disagree but it’s your life man.
Steve
100% efficiency. That’s all we’re dealing with here Dave. What’s taking him so long? Diarrhea is a quick hitter.
Dave
Yeah, I feel like this should finished up already.
(Cory shouts from the distance)
Cory
Guys!! Guys can you hear me?
Dave
(To Steve)
It looks like we have a decision to make here. He obviously needs something and I’m not walking over there.
Steve
(To Dave)
Not a chance man. I’ve actually never needed help with restroom activities...even when I was a kid. 100% efficiency.
Dave
(To Steve)
So do we act like we can’t hear him then?
Steve
(To Dave)
Yeah I’m cool with that.
Cory
(Shouting louder)
GUYS! GUYS!! I feel like you might be ignoring me because you’re thinking that I need one of you to walk over here for some reason. Look, I’m a grown man asking for some mercy here. I’m not proud of it. I’m not proud of this moment at all as a matter-of-fact. In my rushing out here it seems I’ve forgotten the roll of toilet paper I keep in any vehicle I drive or ride in.
Steve
So you’re telling me that whatever car you’ve ever ridden in there is a toilet paper roll stashed in there?
Dave
If that’s true I will be extremely impressed.
Cory
Yes! Absolutely. I was batting 100% too until I forgot to bring the roll out here with me. I pride myself on always having the right tool for the job and I’ve never been without a trusty roll of TP.
Dave
Wow. Talk about 100% efficiency.
Steve
Dude, now I’m thinking that either you’re mocking me or your understanding of 100% efficiency is completely misinformed and incorrect.
Dave
Definitely mocking you.
Cory
Guys! All I need you to do is get the roll out of the backseat and throw it as far as you can in my direction.
Dave
(To Steve)
That doesn’t seem completely unreasonable.
Steve
(To Dave)
I agree but consider this: do you want to live the rest of your life knowing that you helped another grown man complete his bathroom routine?
Dave
(To Steve)
You know what? You saved me a lot of therapy right there. I’m still torn though. What if I don’t do it to help him but to help us from sitting here indefinitely?
Steve
(To Dave)
That’s risky because even though your primary concern is yourself you’re also inadvertently helping a grown man complete his bathroom routine.
Dave
(To Steve)
Okay I’m tracking with you, but what about this? What if I don’t throw it at him directly? I’ll act like he’s not even out there helplessly waiting. I’ll have him yell one more time and then I’ll chuck it way in the other direction. That way I’m actually making it more difficult for him and nobody would ever suspect that I helped a grown man through his bathroom cycle.
Steve
(To Dave)
(Steve waits before he responds, like he’s doing math or adding the situation up in his head to see if it all checks out.)
Honestly...you’re solid with that. It covers all the bases and in the end everyone wins.
Cory
Guys c’mon! I’ve been in the squatting position for at least ten or twelve minutes now and I’m shaking like an orphan with no coat.
Dave
Alright, alright. We’ve got a plan here. I’m going to throw you the toilet paper but I can’t throw it to you...you’re going to have to go and get it in the distance to your left.
Cory
Wait?! Why? This seems ridiculous.
Dave
Steve made a good point…
Steve
I think you’ll understand this when you hear it. None of us ever want to have to live with the memory that we helped another grown man get through his bathroom routine.
Dave
Makes sense though right?
Cory
Uhh...well...as much I hate this I really can’t disagree with that.
Dave
See he gets it.
Steve
Yeah I figured he would listen to reason.
Dave
Even reasonable decisions are tough to understand when you’re squatting in the woods with firehose diarrhea.
Steve
So true. So true.
Dave
Okay dude, you ready? 1...2...3…
(Dave chucks the toilet paper rolls and it soars through the air with the unrolled part waving like the tail of a kite.)
Dave
It’s on its way!
Steve
Wow. You’re a natural Elway. I never pegged you to have a good throwing arm.
Dave
This is basically all I did in high school.
(Dave and Steve watch Cory’s only roll of toilet paper sail directly into a tree. It rolls down branch by branch but by the time it hits the ground there is no paper left on the roll.)
Cory
Alright, where did it land?
Steve
Here’s the thing...it landed but maybe just not in anyway that’s helpful to you.
Dave
Look, I’m going to be honest here...it’s in a tree.
Cory
What?! Why did you throw it in a tree?
Dave
It wasn’t a decision that I made...probably just my natural instincts trying to protect me from ever having to assist a grow man with the completion of his bathroom routine. You know...some kind of Darwin-istic trait that we all have but don’t really know about until we have to use it.
Steve
I think we’ve done all we can do here. Good luck man. I’d hurry up though...we really need to beat the LA morning traffic.
Cory
Seriously?! You guys are going to leave me out here?
Dave
It’s for the good of us all.
Steve
Figure it out man..we gotta get going.
(A few minutes pass by and Cory comes walking out of the woods without a shirt on. Dave and Steve are laughing as Steve is filming Cory’s walk of shame.)
Steve
Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
Cory
Turn that off. It’s embarrassing enough.
Dave
Yeah i understand how you feel. I came extremely close to helping a grown man make it through his bathroom routine.
Cory
If it’s not apparent enough, I’ll have you know that I used my t-shirt to finish the deed.
Steve
Like a real man.
Dave
Yeah dude I’m proud of you...didn’t even need our help in the first place.
Cory
Either one of you have an extra shirt?
Dave
Fresh out, sorry man.
Steve
I’ve got some Nike shirts in the back but those are for me so…
(All of a sudden an RV pulls up behind them with it’s bright lights on. Bill the Thrill steps out and approaches their car.)
Bill the Thrill
Where you boys going?
Steve
The highway. We’re going to the highway.
Dave
I’m pretty sure we had this conversation already but we’re heading to California. Going to write our own TV show. Make it big. You know.
Bill the Thrill
(Looks over at Cory.)
Forgot your toilet paper huh?
Cory
How did you…?
Bill the Thrill
I can’t even tell you how many times I went shirtless over in Nam. Left a lot of fertilizer over there for them foreigners. I’ll be right back.
(Thrill walks back to his RV)
Cory
Okay let’s leave while he’s in his camper.
Dave
I’m kind of curious to see what he comes back out with.
Cory
Murder. When he comes back out he’s bringing murder with him.
Steve
Or maybe some of those femur steaks.
Cory
Guarantee we’re all dead and tied up in the back of his RV in five minutes or less.
Steve
So are we dead or tied up?
Cory
What?
Dave
You said dead and tied up but I’m curious as to why he would tie up dead guys.
Steve
Exactly. There’d be no point in tying up dead bodies..they’re not going anywhere.
(Bill the Thrill comes stumbling out of his RV and walks over toward the guys and hands cory a pink “Jesus is my Homeboy” t-shirt.)
Bill the Thrill
Well, it might be a little tight on you but it’s better than living in you’re smooth, bare skin.
Dave
So are you planning on living in his skin at some point then?
Bill the Thrill
You boys be safe out there.
(Thrill walks away, gets in his RV and peels out)
Steve
What. The heck. Was that. Easily the weirdest dude I’ve ever come across in my life so far.
Dave
Cory, he’s looking to make you into a skin-suit man.
Cory
Yeah I got that from the conversation we had two seconds ago. Let’s just get the heck out of here.
(The guys take off and make their way to California. Episode closes with Bill the Thrill sitting in front of his RV in a gas station smoking something staring off into the distance.)
(Scene one begins with Dave, Cory, and Steve driving down the road on their way to California.)
Cory
So Steve, you're telling me that you just completely broke it off?
Steve
Oh yeah! She was super depressed when she found out... We were supposed to go out tonight and celebrate our one year anniversary together. ....Nah.
Dave
Dang. Heart of a serial killer right there.
Steve
Look. It's not that difficult… She wasn't a good cook. Might as well cut this thing off now before I have to choke my way through another to steak or God forbid, her dry brownies. The kitchen is a foreign land to this woman and she clearly can't speak the language.
Cory
Let's back up a minute here; what do you mean when you say "when she found out?" Didn't you tell her face-to-face?
Steve
Oh no way, I would've been late for our road trip.
Dave
So...
Steve
So what?
Dave
What happened?! How did she find out?
Steve
Oh, I figured that was obvious… She's at dinner, and I'm not. She's been blowing up my phone the whole time we've been in the car.
Cory
That's cold man. I mean I understand she was a terrible cook but that's a skill that you can learn. I'm not sure if that merits you leaving her the way you did.
Dave
Yeah man, I'm kind of worried about your social skills. That's not how you end a relationship.
Steve
Thanks Dr. Phil...means a lot coming from someone who went to college for a day. Guys, for real, this is simple okay; she can't cook and I'm moving across the country… It's over. Business is business.
(Dave goes to talk to Steve again and Cory makes eye contact with him in the rear view mirror, shaking his head no (basically saying it's time to give up on this conversation.)
It's quiet for a minute. Sound of the car driving down the road and rush of passing cars.
Dave
All I'm saying is...
Cory
Dead horse man. It's over.
Steve
I don't know what you guys keep crying about. I'm a free man...I’m feeling that OJ kind of freedom. I'm happy. I'm moving to Cali with you guys so I don't have to make any new friends. Plus, I just farted and I'm locking the windows.
(Cory and Dave slowly feel and smell the stench overtaking the inside of the car.)
Dave
Cmon! Why???
Cory
Dave hold your breath!
(Cory takes a deep breath in before the smell hits him.)
Dave
You do realize that the humidity in here just changed. It's easily 60-70 percent higher.
Steve
You're in the jungle baby!! I needed to drop heat 25 miles ago.
(The guys look back at Cory still trying to hold his breath so he doesn't have to smell the fart.)
Steve
You know you've made a decision here, holding your breath, that's got some pretty devastating consequences.
Dave
Yeah, initially it's smart...a knee jerk reaction, fight or flight if you will. You hold your breath in an effort not to take in the smell yet you forget to realize that Steve has unleashed a hellcat that's hellbent on destroying your sense of smell forever.
Steve
Like Jordan dunking from the foul-line...he's just hanging out. You really think you're going to outlast this don't you?
Cory
(Shakes his head yes but he starts to reach for the window and shows a little bit of panic.)
Dave
It's not that bad once you get it all in your system. It's something you have to accept and live with...it literally will grow on you. (Coughs and gags.)
Cory
(Starts to hit the window.)
Steve
(Looks at Cory in the rear view mirror)...Growlers coming for ya.
Cory
(Tries kicking the window.)
(Takes a huge breath in to keep from passing out.)
Oh. Oh. Oh, God! Dude, it's in my throat!
(Gags)
(Coughs)
How does this happen?! Why? I need a rape whistle for my nostrils. It would literally be better to have two broken legs right now. Steve pull over...Steve, seriously, I think I'm going to puke. Steve! Steve!
(Dave and Steve are laughing so hard in the front seats they start to tune out Cory's complaining. Cory pukes in the backseat and kills all the laughter. The guys are immediately and negatively affected by both smells mixing together in the now humid air of the vehicle.)
Dave
Geez dude, what's wrong with you?
Cory
What's wrong with me?! He's on a full, Skittle-duster rampage.
Steve
Oh it's more than a duster.
Dave
Steve put the windows down, this is too much.
Steve
I can't.
Cory
What do you mean you can't?
Steve
I mean I cannot put the windows down.
Dave
As much as we all love it and never feel awkward at all when you commit to taking a joke extremely too far; I need to know for real: you cannot or you will not put the windows down?
Steve
I mean that it's physically impossible for me to put the windows down. Something is broke. They aren't working right for some reason.
Dave
Oh God.
Cory
Gas station! (Cory points to a gas station close by.)
(Steve pulls into the gas station and the guys all but dive out of the car. Cory's door is locked and he fights with it a few seconds before he can get out like Matthew Perry, "The Whole Nine Yards" style.)
SCENE 2
(Scene 2 opens up with the guys walking through the gas station finding snacks to eat and supplies to clean the car.)
Bill the Thrill
If you boys need any help just let me know. I'll be up here reading my horoscopes and watching my soaps.
Steve
Yeah sure. Thanks.
Cory
I'll be in the bathroom.
Dave
Yeah, good call. Hey, what's up with stoner McNam over there?
Steve
Not a clue...he's scrambled eggs upstairs for sure.
Dave
I guarantee you he's got some human flesh ready for the grill somewhere around here.
Steve
I'd go for a few femur steaks right now; I'm starving.
Dave
So we're going full-blown cannbalism here huh?
Steve
Oh yeah. I'm guessing that you could throw a little breading on pretty much anything and it would be a suitable meal at this point.
Dave
So do you think Cory could eat human meat? You know with his food allergy and all.
Steve
Well if you take of the breading off I'm sure it'd be free game for him. We could probably find some real snacks though.
Dave
Obviously that's what we're here for, I'm just saying...I've been watching these videos on human cloning. Everyone is all worried about identities being stolen and whatnot but I can't ignore the fact that it would make for a steady supply of food after the markets crash for the final time.
Steve
Well, now I've got questions.
Dave
Shoot.
Steve
First off, you're proposing that we grow humans just to eat them?
Dave
Oh yeah. We do it with cows and chickens.
Steve
Ok, just making sure I heard you correctly. So the markets?
Dave
Well Stephen, you'll see. After the elites back out and ship off to their private islands we'll all be stuck here with an upturned government and society led by anarchists.
Steve
Gotcha.
Cory
You guys ready to get outta here?
Steve
You're not going to get anything?
Cory
Considering I just threw up the food I ate earlier plus whatever amount of fart I ingested I think I'm good for a day or so.
(Steve reaches for a king-size bag of Skittles. Dave looks him right in the eyes and they have a brief stare down. Steve looks at the skittles and then back at Dave. Dave looks at the skittles and then back at Steve. Cory stands there with a panicked look. Steve slowly reaches for another bag on the shelf. Dave smacks the skittles out of his hand and they roll all over the floor.)
Cory
Alright then, good talk.
(The guys walk up to the register.)
Bill the Thrill
Where you boys headed?
Steve
Back out to our car.
Cory
Sorry, it's the sugar talking.
Dave
We're heading to California...going to write our own TV show. Make it big. You know.
Bill the Thrill
I've had this idea for a TV show for a long time: it's a boxing ring that just drops out of the sky and then people fight in the ring.
Steve
Hey Cory you getting all this down on paper? Don't want to miss out on any good ideas.
Cory
(Walks up in front of the other guy the the register.)
Get whatever you guys want, it's on me.
Dave
Oh yeah? Where's all this money coming from all of a sudden?
Cory
A few friends I got together with before we left: Capital One, American Express, and Discover.
Steve
Is that a Victoria's Secret credit card?
Cory
What? No.
Steve
Dude, that a Victoria's Secret credit card. Explain.
Cory
They've got these socks that are unbelievably comfortable.
Dave
Lies.
Cory
The men's cologne...
Dave
Lies.
Cory
Honestly...
Steve
Out with it!
Cory
It's my moms.
Steve
Stop.
Dave
There we go. Gross. Let's just say it's for the cologne so I can sleep tonight.
Cory
Anyway...I've got just enough of a credit line left for these snacks and a tank of gas.
Steve
I'm hoping that means you've got a $200-$300 credit line.
Cory
Let's add a few zeros...say four more?
Dave
$30,000?!??
Cory
Oh yeah. Baller.
Steve
Not at all. So you're $30,000 in debt?
Cory
Yeah. Well, per card so like $90,000ish.
Steve
Stop. Give me all of your cards right now.
Cory
Dude chill...it's all good. We're moving to California. That's like thousands of miles away. If we ever move back then I'll be in deep but Cali is a fresh start!
Dave
You're never off the grid man. They'll get us all eventually...just a matter of time.
Steve
Wow. Just so I'm sure I heard this correctly...you're saying that this tremendous debt was incurred over...?
Cory
Well, yesterday. So one day.
Steve
One day?!? This is almost unbelievable. Give me your wallet.
Dave
So $90,000...where is everything at then?
Cory
That's the thing. There's actually nothing left.
Steve
Haha this just keeps getting better.
Dave
Yeah, so what's the deal here?
Cory
Well on Monday when we planned to leave I had this thought: "why not one last hurrah here before I leave." So I applied for a few credit cards and boom I'm rich.
Steve
Well no. It's not your money...or money at all really.
Cory
So you're a financial advisor now?
Steve
Well let's start here: I have a savings account that I put money in on a regular basis.
Dave
Oh wow. I really need to get my life together.
Steve
What, you don't save your money?
Dave
Not a penny.
Steve
You physically have money on you or in an account somewhere, correct?
Dave
Well let's not get all crazy here, never can be too sure who is listening.
Steve
Do you have money?
Dave
Welllll... let's define money. See there is actually no backing for the dollar. They want us to think that there's a bunch of gold but I've got my suspicions. Probably a bunch of hipsters making scarves and drinking twenty dollar espresso shots over at the Reserve.
(Steve stares at Dave almost emotionless and dumbfounded by what he's just said.)
Steve
Wallets.
(Steve motions for the guys to cough up any credit cards or cash they have on them. Cory and Dave reluctantly, like children being scolded, hand over their wallets as they all get into the car.
Steve
There we go.
(The guys take off in the car and make there way down the road. Dave changes the radio stations to try and find something to listen to. He comes across a country music station...)
Cory
Oh! Hold it.
(Dave stops on the channel and it's a horrible sounding country song.)
Steve
Nope.
Dave
Big fan of this stuff eh?
Cory
I meant like hold on because I thought I left my phone back at the gas station.
Dave
Yeah but what you really mean is that you like country music.
Cory
Who, me? Oh no, not at all. I say we take all of the country folks and string them up for the whole world to see.
Steve
A bit excessive but I like it. I'm definitely hearing a love for country music though.
Dave
Yeah, you're trying too hard to prove you're hatred for it. It's the same tactic that closeted gay guys use? "Oh this is my wife, so-and-so. We never make love but I shop with her and we go to anti-gay rallies." Turns out he really likes to mud wrestle with dudes and has a boyfriend on the side.
Cory
Yeah but I'm not gay.
Steve
Interesting.
Dave
Very interesting.
Cory
What now?
Steve
Well I'm just spitballing here but it would also seem that you bat for the other team. Or catch, I'm not sure yet.
Cory
Ha ha ...that's hilarious. I'm just saying that a gay guy reference doesn't apply here because I'm not gay.
Dave
I can see that this has completely floated over your head so maybe we can let this go.
Cory
Whatever you say man...I'm just saying, I'm not gay.
Steve
Can't do it. I can't let it go. Look, here's the thing. Nobody was calling you gay. Dave was using an anecdotal situation to reference the main principle behind your actions regarding country music.
Dave
Yeah, but instead of hearing my point you adamantly had to let everyone know you weren't gay...just like you were so quick to try and prove that you hate country music.
Cory
Proves nothing.
Steve
Dude it's okay if you're a sword fighter. It's not okay if you like country music.
Dave
Agreed. Liking dudes might actually be easier than dating women. But there no excuse for listening to country music.
Steve
How so?
Dave
Let's talk money. Men earn way more than their female counterparts.
Steve
Amen.
Dave
On average a man makes at least 100 times more than his female counterpart and the females are a weak-wristed species not being able to break through the glass ceiling and all.
Steve
Solid stats there. They're good in the kitchen though. Well not everyone obviously...that's why she's still sitting at dinner by herself.
Cory
After hearing that, gayness and country music are the least of our problems.
Dave
Yeah Steve, I was just stating facts. Now you're just sounding misogynistic.
Steve
Women are made for the kitchen: fact.
Cory
All downhill from here.
Dave
Steve, you know you can't say these things outside of this vehicle, correct?
Steve
They told me I couldn't piss into the wind but you don't see me going with the flow do you?
Cory
Not sure what you mean there. I mean I feel like we usually understand one another fairly well but this one is just too far out there. You gotta reel yourself back in if we're going to make any traction in this conversation.
Steve
I'll admit, I was trying extremely hard to make the phrase "pissing in the wind" fit there but I agree it lacked context and the X factor I was looking for.
Dave
Steve I need my wallet.
Steve
Nah, I'm good.
Dave
Seriously, I need to pay a bill online real quick and I need my debit card.
Steve
Only on one condition...
Dave
Whatever is going to speed this process up. AT&T don't play games and I can't risk having my phone cut off.
Steve
It goes right back into my pocket when you're done.
Dave
Sure. Why not? Whatever you say Dad.
(Steve hands Dave's wallet over to Dave and Dave looks at his card and starts typing his number into his phone. Steve looks over to double check he's doing what he said he was going to do.)
Steve
Are you shopping on Amazon?
Dave
No, I'm paying bills.
Steve
Let me see that.
Dave
Dude, chill.
Steve
I don't want to have to do this but you guys are forcing my hand here. I figured you both would at least like to eat food again at some point in your lives, correct?
Dave
Welllll... let's define food here. See, the pharmaceutical companies own the farmers...
Steve
And I own your wallets. At least until we get to California. Then if you guys feel like starving to death I'll come and watch.
Dave
Let's not forget who got us into this mess in the first place.
Steve
Yeah. So, Cory how do you plan on taking care of this financial noose you've willingly slipped your neck into?
Dave
Well I was thinking about the Bush administration but...
Cory
We are currently in the midst of my plan; move out of state and start over. I'm still pretty sure that debt stays in the state it was incurred in. I can't imagine the credit card companies from home having any interest in a California resident.
Steve
We're going to have to invest in some serious financial education for you. Going by what you just said I'm having trouble believing that you dress yourself in the morning.
Dave
I have a question: how do I stop this awkward situation that's happening between us all right now?
Cory
Not sure that’s helping but nice try.
Steve
Let's just drive. Let's forget about the mistakes we made and the people we left at the dinner table alone and just enjoy the open road.
Dave
Sounds good to me.
(Cory is scrolling through his phone like a mad man because he sees a local newspaper article about Dave and how he quit his job at the music school he gave lessons and recorded at.)
Cory
Whoa. Dave, I like your style here man.
Dave
Haha, what?
Cory
Looks like you made a few questionable decisions before we left too. Check out this article in the Local Times. The title literally says, "Local Music Teacher Verbally Abuses Students." Hahaha
Steve
Oh wow! This could not have come at a better time; South Dakota Is. The. Worst.
Cory
Says here that you referred to one of your students as a "little accident put on this earth by mistake."
Dave
Okay, that's a bit extreme. What I said was, "You're all little accidents and that's no mistake."
Steve
Pretty sure the degree of verbal abuse in both statements is equal.
Dave
Oh what, you guys all of a sudden grow a liking for little kids?
Cory
Nope.
Steve
Not at all, I applaud your efforts sir. Still would really like to hear this story though.
Dave
There's really no story. When we decided on Monday that we were officially leaving I made a list of things and then said a few out loud on my last day.
Cory
Premeditated. That's like 25 to life.
Steve
Worth it.
Cory
So where's the list? Let's hear it.
Dave
I didn't keep the list. Just a frame of reference for the day of.
Steve
You're telling me that you didn't save the list from what was possibly the best day of your musical teaching career? The list that you used to stiff-arm these young-bloods into their rightful place? The list that could very well change the course of your career forever? Dave I need the list, even if it's just to get me through South Dakota.
Cory
No need. I read down farther here and it says they actually found a list in Dave's desk drawer in his office at the studio. It’s all posted right here.
Steve
You're going to want to go ahead and forward me that article.
(Show cuts to a flashback of Dave telling students off and throwing things in the classroom.)
Dave in flashback
"Well, well, well...here we are. All of us. Together. Not for much longer though. You're going to grow up and honestly at least half of you won’t make it. I mean that literally; half of you will die without accomplishing anything in your short lifetime. But hear me now you little accidents, and that’s no mistake. None of you should be musicians. Ever. I'd encourage every single one of you to put your instruments down and never pick them up again.
(A kid puts his guitar down and goes to walk out of class. Dave chucks a chalkboard eraser at him and hits him right in the back of the head and chalk dust explodes out of the eraser.)
Dave in flashback
(Talking to the kid he just hit in the head with the eraser)
And you! Don’t you ever change Jimmy.
School Kid
(As he’s wiping chalk dust out of his eyes and of of his face)
Mr. Dave my name is Eric.
Dave in flashback
Jimmy listen to me real close here for a second. Have you ever heard of cancer? They say that by the time you turn eighteen one out of every two musicians will be diagnosed with an untreatable form of cancer. Here’s the good news Jimmy; you’re not, nor will you ever be a musician so you only have a one and three chance of dying from this deadly disease.
(Dave looks at the overweight kids in the class.)
Any of you plan on walking after the age of 21?
(Kids stare at Dave mindlessly)
Let me fill you in on something here...it’s called Diabetes. I’m pretty sure that all of you already have it but I just want you to know that you can’t play an instrument without limbs.
(One of the overweight students staring at Dave opens a bag of Cheetos and starts eating them as Dave is talking about diabetes.)
Dave in flashback
You’re kidding me right? You can kiss all your fingers goodbye after you’re done licking all the Cheeto dust of of them.
(Security announces themselves and bangs on Dave’s classroom door. Dave lets them in and mouths to his students “Not a word!” He looks at the chubby kid again because it seems as though he is going to speak up to the security guards. Dave looks at him and mimes a pair of scissors cutting of finger on his other hand and points directly at the kid.)
Security
Sorry, we heard some loud noises in here and the administrator asked us to come and check it out.
Dave in flashback
Oh, no problem at all. Sometimes their love for music can get the best of them. Some up-and-coming musicians in here I’ll tell you.
(The security guards see the kid covered in chalk dust. They look at him and he just stares at them helplessly. There’s an awkward pause and moment of silence in the classroom. The security guards look at Dave like they are about to question him on it.)
Security
Well...we’ll get out of your way. You all have a good day.
(Security guards leave and as the door shuts behind them Dave addresses the class once more)
Dave in flashback
Did everyone take notes? Good, good...because most of you will peak as a part-time security guard somewhere in this failing town.
(Cuts back to the guys in the car as Dave finishes telling the guys about everything)
Dave
And that’s pretty much it. Teaching is all about give and take. They’ll all thank me someday.
Steve
Yeah, that’s if they don’t spend the rest of their lives trying to hunt you down and murder you with a rifle as they sit high up in a clock-tower. They would have already known you were going to be where you were going to be that day so they’ve been sitting in this tower for three days living off of protein bars and soiling themselves...just waiting for the right moment. The moment you walk into their crosshairs and...BOOM.
Cory
That’s pretty specific. Also scary.
Steve
Just a dream of mine.
Dave
I’m just glad that it was only in our local paper. Nobody reads that and I’m convinced that half the people in our old town can’t read anyway.
Cory
Scratch that. I’ve got in on Huffington Post and Buzzfeed so far.
Steve
Brilliant.
Dave
I don’t even know where to start with this. Do I get paid for this? Is this considered slandering my character?
Steve
Pretty sure you already did that yourself.
Cory
The enjoyment is payment enough. This is all pro-bono Dave.
Dave
It’s not that big of a deal right? It will eventually fade away when someone’s grandma breaks a hip trying out a hoverboard or a celebrity posts another nude selfie on Instagram.
Steve
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Dave
Thanks.
Steve
Seriously though, we might be able to leverage this at some point and use it to our advantage for the TV show.
Cory
There we go. Always got the ideas that lead to the money. You’re like a young Bill Gates with way less money or potential.
Steve
Thanks man.
Cory
Anytime.
Dave
How much longer are we thinking for this drive?
Steve
GPS says about another four hours.
Dave
Let’s stop at the next gas station...I need to eat something. I’m starving.
Steve
Yeah that’s fine, we need fuel anyway.
Cory
Funny thing here; we’re probably going to have to pull over now.
Steve
No-can-do. We’re making some great time and we need to hit LA before rush hour or we’ll be stuck in traffic for hours.
Cory
I’m telling you I can’t wait. I think some of the snacks we bought at the last place had something in them that I’m allergic to. I’m about to light this whole vehicle up with a soupy diarrhea smell like you’ve never smelled in your life.
Dave
Steve, I’m only going to say this once...pull over or I’m jumping out. We’re barely free from your Skittle rampage earlier and I don’t really do science but all these smells have to be dangerous at some point.
Steve
Where do you guys expect me to pull over? There is absolutely nothing around here.
Cory
Dude! Just give me those trees, now!
(Steve pulls the car over immediately and Cory stumbles out as soda cans and water bottles come crashing out with him. Cory yells back at the guys as he runs and stumbles into the woods.)
Cory
Wait for me! Wait for me! Trust me this will be quick.
(Steve and Dave rifle through the different snack bags, reading through the ingredient lists to see what might have triggered Cory’s allergic reaction.)
Steve
Disodium Phosphate. Blue Lake 40. Diglycerides. I can’t even pronounce half of this stuff. What is all this?
Dave
Chemicals. Pure chemicals.
Steve
I’ve never read or seen anything like this. What is it though?
Dave
I’m not a scientist but I’d say that’s one big money maker list you’re reading there. See, the pharmacies create the food with chemicals that keep us sick so we will need to buy their drugs to stay healthy. It’s a vicious cycle.
Steve
You know what? That actually makes sense. I get that but what is this list?
Dave
You mean the ingredient list?
Steve
Ahh, that makes sense.
Dave
You’re telling me that you’ve never heard of an ingredient list? You’ve never read through the ingredients on the food you eat or buy?
Steve
Nah. I’ve never really seen the point. My body always works at 100% efficiency. I’ll eat, my body uses what it needs for energy and muscle mass and then immediately evacuates all remaining waste.
Dave
That sounds like a condition. I’d probably get that checked out as soon as possible. You know what? You might have an allergy like Cory.
Steve
Nope.
Dave
I think science would disagree but it’s your life man.
Steve
100% efficiency. That’s all we’re dealing with here Dave. What’s taking him so long? Diarrhea is a quick hitter.
Dave
Yeah, I feel like this should finished up already.
(Cory shouts from the distance)
Cory
Guys!! Guys can you hear me?
Dave
(To Steve)
It looks like we have a decision to make here. He obviously needs something and I’m not walking over there.
Steve
(To Dave)
Not a chance man. I’ve actually never needed help with restroom activities...even when I was a kid. 100% efficiency.
Dave
(To Steve)
So do we act like we can’t hear him then?
Steve
(To Dave)
Yeah I’m cool with that.
Cory
(Shouting louder)
GUYS! GUYS!! I feel like you might be ignoring me because you’re thinking that I need one of you to walk over here for some reason. Look, I’m a grown man asking for some mercy here. I’m not proud of it. I’m not proud of this moment at all as a matter-of-fact. In my rushing out here it seems I’ve forgotten the roll of toilet paper I keep in any vehicle I drive or ride in.
Steve
So you’re telling me that whatever car you’ve ever ridden in there is a toilet paper roll stashed in there?
Dave
If that’s true I will be extremely impressed.
Cory
Yes! Absolutely. I was batting 100% too until I forgot to bring the roll out here with me. I pride myself on always having the right tool for the job and I’ve never been without a trusty roll of TP.
Dave
Wow. Talk about 100% efficiency.
Steve
Dude, now I’m thinking that either you’re mocking me or your understanding of 100% efficiency is completely misinformed and incorrect.
Dave
Definitely mocking you.
Cory
Guys! All I need you to do is get the roll out of the backseat and throw it as far as you can in my direction.
Dave
(To Steve)
That doesn’t seem completely unreasonable.
Steve
(To Dave)
I agree but consider this: do you want to live the rest of your life knowing that you helped another grown man complete his bathroom routine?
Dave
(To Steve)
You know what? You saved me a lot of therapy right there. I’m still torn though. What if I don’t do it to help him but to help us from sitting here indefinitely?
Steve
(To Dave)
That’s risky because even though your primary concern is yourself you’re also inadvertently helping a grown man complete his bathroom routine.
Dave
(To Steve)
Okay I’m tracking with you, but what about this? What if I don’t throw it at him directly? I’ll act like he’s not even out there helplessly waiting. I’ll have him yell one more time and then I’ll chuck it way in the other direction. That way I’m actually making it more difficult for him and nobody would ever suspect that I helped a grown man through his bathroom cycle.
Steve
(To Dave)
(Steve waits before he responds, like he’s doing math or adding the situation up in his head to see if it all checks out.)
Honestly...you’re solid with that. It covers all the bases and in the end everyone wins.
Cory
Guys c’mon! I’ve been in the squatting position for at least ten or twelve minutes now and I’m shaking like an orphan with no coat.
Dave
Alright, alright. We’ve got a plan here. I’m going to throw you the toilet paper but I can’t throw it to you...you’re going to have to go and get it in the distance to your left.
Cory
Wait?! Why? This seems ridiculous.
Dave
Steve made a good point…
Steve
I think you’ll understand this when you hear it. None of us ever want to have to live with the memory that we helped another grown man get through his bathroom routine.
Dave
Makes sense though right?
Cory
Uhh...well...as much I hate this I really can’t disagree with that.
Dave
See he gets it.
Steve
Yeah I figured he would listen to reason.
Dave
Even reasonable decisions are tough to understand when you’re squatting in the woods with firehose diarrhea.
Steve
So true. So true.
Dave
Okay dude, you ready? 1...2...3…
(Dave chucks the toilet paper rolls and it soars through the air with the unrolled part waving like the tail of a kite.)
Dave
It’s on its way!
Steve
Wow. You’re a natural Elway. I never pegged you to have a good throwing arm.
Dave
This is basically all I did in high school.
(Dave and Steve watch Cory’s only roll of toilet paper sail directly into a tree. It rolls down branch by branch but by the time it hits the ground there is no paper left on the roll.)
Cory
Alright, where did it land?
Steve
Here’s the thing...it landed but maybe just not in anyway that’s helpful to you.
Dave
Look, I’m going to be honest here...it’s in a tree.
Cory
What?! Why did you throw it in a tree?
Dave
It wasn’t a decision that I made...probably just my natural instincts trying to protect me from ever having to assist a grow man with the completion of his bathroom routine. You know...some kind of Darwin-istic trait that we all have but don’t really know about until we have to use it.
Steve
I think we’ve done all we can do here. Good luck man. I’d hurry up though...we really need to beat the LA morning traffic.
Cory
Seriously?! You guys are going to leave me out here?
Dave
It’s for the good of us all.
Steve
Figure it out man..we gotta get going.
(A few minutes pass by and Cory comes walking out of the woods without a shirt on. Dave and Steve are laughing as Steve is filming Cory’s walk of shame.)
Steve
Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
Cory
Turn that off. It’s embarrassing enough.
Dave
Yeah i understand how you feel. I came extremely close to helping a grown man make it through his bathroom routine.
Cory
If it’s not apparent enough, I’ll have you know that I used my t-shirt to finish the deed.
Steve
Like a real man.
Dave
Yeah dude I’m proud of you...didn’t even need our help in the first place.
Cory
Either one of you have an extra shirt?
Dave
Fresh out, sorry man.
Steve
I’ve got some Nike shirts in the back but those are for me so…
(All of a sudden an RV pulls up behind them with it’s bright lights on. Bill the Thrill steps out and approaches their car.)
Bill the Thrill
Where you boys going?
Steve
The highway. We’re going to the highway.
Dave
I’m pretty sure we had this conversation already but we’re heading to California. Going to write our own TV show. Make it big. You know.
Bill the Thrill
(Looks over at Cory.)
Forgot your toilet paper huh?
Cory
How did you…?
Bill the Thrill
I can’t even tell you how many times I went shirtless over in Nam. Left a lot of fertilizer over there for them foreigners. I’ll be right back.
(Thrill walks back to his RV)
Cory
Okay let’s leave while he’s in his camper.
Dave
I’m kind of curious to see what he comes back out with.
Cory
Murder. When he comes back out he’s bringing murder with him.
Steve
Or maybe some of those femur steaks.
Cory
Guarantee we’re all dead and tied up in the back of his RV in five minutes or less.
Steve
So are we dead or tied up?
Cory
What?
Dave
You said dead and tied up but I’m curious as to why he would tie up dead guys.
Steve
Exactly. There’d be no point in tying up dead bodies..they’re not going anywhere.
(Bill the Thrill comes stumbling out of his RV and walks over toward the guys and hands cory a pink “Jesus is my Homeboy” t-shirt.)
Bill the Thrill
Well, it might be a little tight on you but it’s better than living in you’re smooth, bare skin.
Dave
So are you planning on living in his skin at some point then?
Bill the Thrill
You boys be safe out there.
(Thrill walks away, gets in his RV and peels out)
Steve
What. The heck. Was that. Easily the weirdest dude I’ve ever come across in my life so far.
Dave
Cory, he’s looking to make you into a skin-suit man.
Cory
Yeah I got that from the conversation we had two seconds ago. Let’s just get the heck out of here.
(The guys take off and make their way to California. Episode closes with Bill the Thrill sitting in front of his RV in a gas station smoking something staring off into the distance.)