The Graveyards We Leave Behind

Every time Nyx hears Echo's hushed whispers it brings her back to the days she would wait for the conversation to end so that she could throw her arms around Roan. It's been so long now that she doesn't remember how it feels to be in his grasp. The hundreds of nights she's had to spend in a bed all alone on this fucking ship are suffocating her. In the beginning all she could do is cry herself to sleep at the lack of his warm body beside her, but now she finds herself lying awake thinking of Bellamy's warm breath on her face.

As she listens to the woman's whispers now on the way to her room, a jealousy claws its way up her throat. Nyx can't stand seeing her so close to Bellamy. Their hushed voices, gentle smiles, and light grazes makes her stomach churn and her skin rise. She's been watching them do this for a year now and it's driving her to insanity.

Meanwhile, she can swear Bellamy is flirting with her. He puts her in these compromising positions where she can't help but want to kiss him, and then he always leaves her hanging thinking what if. That's driving her to insanity too. Why is he playing games? Does he want her or does he want Echo? Or is it this fucking ship that's making them all a little mad?

In her steel cage room, Nyx lies awake. "Goddamn it!" a shouting whisper emerges from between her rosy lips. The tossing and turning is endless. Sitting up in the bed she runs a hand through her messy hair before glancing over at the cuirass on her chair hoping to see Roan staring back at her. To her disappointment the eyes belong to Bellamy, and she jumps out of the bed to shove it back in a drawer. The sense of being haunted is present, but how can a living soul haunt someone? When this desire for the past overwhelms her, she finds herself begging for the universe to let her see Roan again. It doesn't work, and the only ghost that's following her is Bellamy.

Nyx tries to shake the feeling of nostalgia and decides on a walk around the Ark. It is still early and the ship is in night mode to promote healthy circadian rhythms, but she is surprised to see a bare backed Bellamy standing in the room of the airlock chamber, staring down at the barren planet Earth through the only open window.

The ashy red planet resembling Mars draws her in, and Nyx finds herself taking audible steps until she is standing next to Bellamy's toned body. She's surprised by the ease with which she approaches him, but she settles in the space suddenly hoping he'll let them stay in silence.

Bellamy has to admit that he is also a little shocked when Nyx walks to his side. She is usually asleep at this time. He hears her on his own insomniac walks, and she is always sobbing. Though the weeps are muffled by heavy blankets, he knows she is crying. Sometimes he sits by her door listening. He had promised Roan that he would take care of her, and he can't help but to feel that he is doing a terrible job. His arms are crossed in front of his chest, and he raises a brow as he glances at her.

"What are you doing up?" he turns to ask her. His arms fall to his sides as he leans a shoulder against the steel frame of the window. His eyes takes in the skin she's revealing in her tank top, and he can feel a smile growing on his face.

Nyx's eyes fall to his bare torso and travel all the way to the waistband of his black snug pants. When she feels her cheeks warming up she looks away saying, "I can't sleep. What about you?" She has taken these walks before and has never seen him. The airlock is her room. She's filled it with her sorrow enough to be able to claim it.

"I haven't been sleeping much lately," he answers as if it should be enough. There is a smirk instantly plastered on his face when he notices the pink on hers. Was she up thinking about the almost kiss they shared a few weeks ago? About all the times he's pressed his body against her, hoping for her to give in?

Nyx look away and out the window once more. She's nervous, and it makes her miss the emptiness she used to feel. "Do you think they're all still alive?" she asks leaning against the steel wall wishing Roan was down there waiting for her to come back. He's not, and she is tired of looking for a sign of habitability. It seems hopeless. Raven's daily scans turn up nothing every time, and it seems futile to plan a journey back when they could melt on the spot.

"I have to. If Ocatavia's not down there…" he trails off looking to the ground. His curls hide his face, but she can see his expression vividly in her mind. He doesn't have to finish his sentence for her to understand what he means. Hope is so necessary for them. If there is nothing to return to, then what is the point in their own survival?

"Do you ever think we'd be better off staying up here?" she is surprised that she's asks the question when the words leave her lips. She has spent plenty of days thinking that their life is simpler now, and she enjoys that simplicity so much. Even if the tin can is a prison. Bellamy's brown eyes look at her intensely before they turn back to the windoe

"I don't know if we'd be better off, but we have to give it a shot don't we? We left all those people down there - what if they are alive? Whether we die up here or down there doesn't really matter," Bellamy tells her. He needs Octavia to be okay.

"I guess not. As much as I fucking hate it up here, it's easier," she admits. Nothing to do is driving her crazy, but they have food, oxygen, shelter, and a way out if the want it. She glances at the chamber quickly before looking over at Bellamy.

"Easy is not the way out," he tells her, not failing to notice the glance she gives the room to this right. Why is she so intent on killing herself? He wants to ask, but is scared of what the answer may be. "We're definitely not easy, but you haven't given up on that," he teases with a grin on his face. She's going to squirm, and he wants to see it.

Some time during their conversation he has moved closer to her. His hand sits against the wall right over her shoulder, and she can feel his pelvis pressing into her from the closeness.

"I don't know what you mean," she says looking the other way. She's forgetting to breath, and she's sure he can feel it, but she doesn't know if she can have this conversation with him.

"I mean I can see that blush on your face," he leans in to whisper into her ear. His stomach is swarming with butterflies, and he can only imagine what she's feeling.

The breath from his sentence tickles her ear, and she feels herself tense up. Bellamy makes no attempt to move his head from the crook of her neck. She can't tell if his lips are on her, or if it's just his breathing, but it's driving her so crazy that she wants to throw her arms around him.

"Bellamy," his name leaves her lips so unsurely as if she is asking him a question.

"Yes?" he responds, grazing his nose along her skin and down her shoulder.

Nyx doesn't know what to say. She is breathless. Her eyes are fluttering around the room, trying to find a way out of this situation, but her body is so close to flaccid she think she may fall down, and just like that the lights on the ship turn on announcing day mode. She doesn't know how it's possible that they've spent an hour together, but she's glad because it's a way out.

"Everyone's going to be getting up; it's almost breakfast time," she says, trying to wiggle her way out. Suddenly his left arm is around her waist, and she is pinned up against the wall. Trapped. Her heart is racing so fast it might beat through her chest as the room begins to spin.

"You're worried about everyone seeing us? I didn't realize we needed to keep this a secret?" he questions. His nose sits on her cheek now, and he can feel how hot her face is. A small smile finds its way to his lips when he realizes he is driving her wild.

She is about to respond, but the footsteps and voices in the hallway make her panic. She pushes Bellamy back, and rushes toward the corner hoping to stay out of sight. She is trying to get Bellamy's attention, but he doesn't want to move. Instead he leans against the wall crossing his arms in front of his chest.

As the voices pass the room, Echo catches view of Bellamy from the corner of her eye. She tells Harper to go on without her before she walks in and struts over to him.

"What are you doing in here?" she is smiling as her hands run along his body before settling around his shoulders. Her hair is long and wavy and nestles in between her delicate shoulder blades as she reaches her arms up.

"Wanted to see what the weather is like outside," Bellamy jokes as his head jerks toward the window. Nyx rolls her eyes at his bad joke before leaning over to place her forearms on her thighs.

Echo looks over to the window, but returns her gaze to him quickly. She doesn't think his joke is funny so she ignores it as she reaches up to plant a kiss on his lips before saying, "it's time for breakfast."

Nyx watches the display. Her face is as empty as always, but inside she is horrified. Are they together? If they are what the hell is Bellamy doing flirting with her? This fucking ship, she's sick of it.

When Echo turns around she can't miss Nyx in the corner. Her eyes squint at Nyx's body folded over itself on a chair. Their gazes meet, but Nyx's is empty even though Echo's could burn a hole through her. Echo glances over at Bellamy as if to ask him what she is doing here. When the man says nothing, Echo rolls her eyes and pulls him out of the room. She has seen the two in more compromising positions, but Nyx took her king from her, and she's not going to take Bellamy.

Nyx watches the pair leave and lets out a sigh. She shakes her head at the stupid thoughts about second chances and heaves herself up. "Ow," she says as she walks out of the room and collides with a body. "John, hey, sorry," she laughs as she grabs onto him to stabilize her feet.

He glances over her head into the room before squinting his eyes at her.

"I was just looking out the window, promise," she insists, but she can tell he doesn’t believe her as they walk toward the dining hall together.

"Bellamy was in there, and I went to talk to him," she admits biting her lip.

John stops in his tracks. "And?" He is surprised she had the courage.

Nyx laughs, "I didn’t talk to him about my perpetual love for him, John." Her hand swats at his shoulder as if he should know better.

"Then what did you talk about?" he asks her with a raised brow. He disapproves. She's letting him toy with her.

"Little things, like if he thinks everyone is alive down there," she sighs as she thinks about how everyone isn't. "Do you think he's interested or what?" she's confused. If they were on the ground she'd run far away, but up here there's no where to run, and it's fucking with her so much that she's considering what it would feel like to be with Bellamy again.

"I think he wouldn't mind fucking you," John answers with an eyeroll. He is irritated by the question, by her desperation to be with this guy. What anyone sees in him goes right over Murphy's head.

"John…" Nyx sighs in disappointment. John's not being fair.

"I don't get you two. Just tell him you like him, Nyx," he says before starting the walk again. He's ready to talk about something else, anything else.

"He doesn't like me. I think he's with Echo," she says in a whisper just loud enough over the sounds of their footsteps on the steel floor.

"He's fucking Echo. There isn't much else to do up here," he sighs out. He doesn't keep his voice down because he doesn't care. "Just tell him already or forever hold your peace," John adds as they walk into the dining room.

Monty is already up as well, and Harper has already set the table. Nyx sits down next to John, as always, saying, "thanks, Harp," when the woman places a bowl in front of her. She decides to eat her meal slowly today, enjoying the laughter of the others. It's been a while since she's felt happy, but with her knee against John's and the merriment of the others, she manages to let out a smile that comes naturally to her lips.

"Today's algae was particularly horrible, even Nyx took her time," Raven says with a burp that makes her frown. It almost tastes worse coming up than going down.

The others laugh and Nyx shakes her head. "Tastes a little green today," she adds with a grin on her face. It's a bad joke, but Monty will appreciate it.

Monty lets out a hearty laugh. He knows the hard time they give him is just love. Without him they would all be dead. "I'll make sure supper tastes like purple then," he sticks his tongue out at her.

"Anyone wanna stay for spades today?" Harper asks as she collects all the empty bowls. A card game seems to be tradition in the mornings.

Nyx grabs the deck and shuffles before looking over at John, "partners?" He nods like it's obvious, and she deals the cards.

The game lasts a while, longer than Nyx expected it to. They win three rounds, and every time Nyx turns to John with a grin on her face. They high five as the party begins to break up.

"We'll get you guys tomorrow," Harper warns with a smile on her face. Monty and her were so close all three rounds, but no one is as competitive as Nyx and Murphy.

"Got anything in mind for the day?" John asks turning on his stool to face her.

Nyx shakes her head no but says, "today is laundry day, if you want to help me with that." He doesn't say anything but stands to show her he's ready. "Everyone walked their baskets to the laundry room last night?" Nyx asks right before the room is cleared, and there is a resounding 'yes' before the bodies fade into footsteps down the halls. She gets up and follows John down the hall too.

The pair loads up all the sheets into one machine, and all the clothes into the other. Like little kids, all their names are written on the tags, and Nyx will separate them in their respective baskets before she returns them later.

She runs the water in the sink were five wired bras sit for hand washing to extend their use. Murphy is soaping them up, and Nyx is rinsing them out and hanging them to dry. As she reaches up to hang one she feels a cold splash on her back. When she turns Murphy is grinning ear to ear, and before he knows it they are on the floor wrestling. Nyx doesn't like to lose.

The sound of an audible throat clearing gets their attention, and when Nyx catches sight of Bellamy at the door she lets go of John and stands to straighten her shirt. Her breaths are heavy, and her heart is beating fast from the roughhousing, but Bellamy is making it thump even harder as he stares at her.

"I'm sorry. I guess I misplaced some socks," he says pursing his lips as his eyes divert to Murphy who's standing behind Nyx trying to catch his breath. Bellamy watches him run a hand through his hair, slicking it back, before he reaches it over to rub Nyx's back. It makes his blood boil.

Nyx is grateful for John's reassurance. It gives her the courage to walk over and grab the green pair, color coded to indicate who they belong to. When he holds onto them, she looks up into his eyes. They seem to be blank, but she knows what he wants - confirmation that this display with Murphy is not romantic, that she only has eyes for him. When she gives him nothing he purses his lips once more and lets go, walking out as fast as he came.

Nyx looks down at her feet for a second. She's a little disappointed, a little self-conscious, and a little annoyed. Bellamy is acting like he's still a boy.

"You gotta let it go, Nyx," John says as he takes the socks from her and throws them into the machine. He knows that look, and he's fucking sick of Bellamy getting to her.

Nyx just nods in response, returning to the duties at hand wishing those chestnut eyes weren’t staring at her in her mind.