In Sickness and in Health

No improvement. No sign of Ellie waking up. Axel sits with her all day, right the way through until two pm, when her mother arrives to come in and sit with her. She gives her car keys to Tony as Axel leans over the bed rails, and kisses Ellie’s forehead and then leaves with his father.

“Are you okay?” Toby asks as the two of them get into the car, and close the doors behind them.

“No.” Axel shudders as he clicks his seatbelt into place, and then leans forward and rests his head on the dashboard as he begins to cry. Tony just places a hand on his son’s back, sitting in silence for a few moments. He just lets Axel get it out of his system, let’s the tears fall freely, but also keeps an eye on him to make sure his breathing stays steady.

“Just to let you know, your maman called Doctor Jarvis. She’s told him what’s happened, he’s going to come down and see you. He just wants to talk okay?” Tony tells Axel, who nods, and slowly sits back up.

“I’m probably going to have a massive attack tonight.” Axel declares calmly as his dad starts driving.

“Yeah, we’re expecting it.” Tony replies and quickly glances over to Axel. “But you’re doing the right thing, you’re doing what we always taught you. I know it’s nerve wracking but it’s what you’ve got to do.”

“As long as people don’t think I’m heartless by doing it.” Axel concludes. “I’m going to see Mason about having a collection at the end of the show for the RNLI, one of Ellie’s charities. She would collect for one of my hair ties if it was me in her position and it helps get rid of bad publicity.”

“Actually your maman says the reports have all been quite good, there’s not really been anything bad.” Tony replies. “Just a couple of remarks about why neither of you were wearing a lunge, but you’ve never worn a lunge for that half of the act so.”

“Yeah and they know Jack shit.” Axel sighs.

The rest of the fifteen mile journey back to the ground is spent in silence. As Tony had actually expected, Axel falls asleep, and only wakes again when they reach the field. Yes there are reporters there from a couple of newspapers, but he ignores them, and once they are parked up he gets out of the car, and heads straight in to his mother and Mason sat playing with the twins.

“Papa!” Alexi pipes up loudly, and goes waddling over to greet him.

Axel does his utmost best and puts on a show, smiling and hoisting his son up into the air, letting him walk on the ceiling and then bringing him back down.

“Have they asked for Ellie at all?” Axel asks as Alexi hoists himself up this time, walking up Axel’s legs while Axel holds tightly to his son’s little hands.

“Bonnie cried for her once but she’s okay now.” Mason replies. “Any change yet?”

Axel shakes his head and cries out a little as Alexi’s foot makes contact between his legs.

“Okay you go down now.” Axel tells the little boy, and firmly puts him down, then let’s go.

“Papa!” Bonnie calls out now and comes crawling over to him.

For the next hour it’s non stop play. Axel finds himself giving “pony rides” to both of his children around the trailer. They build blocks and kick them over. They lay out a roll of bubble wrap and got stomping all over it. Even the two dogs get involved, and play about in the mayhem.

For a few precious moments, Axel completely forgets what has happened, and just enjoys spending time in the moment, with his children and their dogs.

But then the time comes for all of that to change. Two shows means that come three thirty, Axel needs to end play time, and head off into his bedroom to begin getting ready. He doesn’t go with his regular costumes, he can’t. All of his regular costumes are for his partnership with his wife. So instead he goes through the wardrobe looking for anything that stands out that won’t remind him of Ellie. Ultimately there is nothing here that doesn’t remind him of her though. So he takes out a pair of black jeans effect pants, that he sometimes wears while performing with Ellie, and tears some holes in the legs. Next he yanks the chains off that have been sewn on, and then lays the pants out on his and Ellie’s bed. They’ll do. Going back into the wardrobe he picks out a black sleeveless bodysuit with royal blue flame embellishments and studs. He changes into the costume, and slips on a couple of black leather wrist cuffs. He leaves his hair as a wavy mop, and quickly puts some foundation on, as well as his usually eyeliner, only today he decides to go heavier with the eyeliner, and even puts a pair of blue contact lenses in. Once satisfied, he picks up his front of house jacket, and walks back out into his living room, where just his parents wait now while the twins lay on the floor and on the couch, asleep.

“Woah. Gone for a goth look today?” His father asks.

“Oui.” Axel replies and nods. “Je ne fais pas la finale.”

“That’s okay nobody’s expecting you to perform, let alone do the finale.” Tony replies in English rather than French.

“Maman.” Axel gets his mother’s attention. He goes over to her then, and wraps his arms around her. “Pendre soin des jumeaux. Ne les laissez pas dormir trop longtemps car le sommeil est dans trois heures.”

His mother simply tells him to relax and stop stressing out. That he doesn’t need to worry about the twins being asleep now as he has just mentioned to her, she knows their bed time is in three hours but she will handle it. He just nods, and then heads out of the trailer and over to the tent.

Inside, he tosses the jacket down onto the ring boxes, lets down the rope he uses to climb up to his trapeze, and climbs it. Once up there, he has a quick practice of what he is going to do, much to the surprise of the other artists and staff that are walking in. Eventually he calls out for Mason who has just walked in, to bring the rope over as it has drifted out of his reach, and he safely comes back down.

“Remember your lunge belt.” Mason tells him.

“Soon as my act’s done in the second show I’m going up the hospital.” Axel tells him without emotion, and without looking at him. He goes up to the bandstand now and through into the control room to meet with Simon, the show’s lights and sound technician, gives him a memory stick with his solo music on, and then walks back out, ready for the doors to open.

“Guys can I call a quick meeting?” Mason calls out to everyone in the tent, but Axel pays him no attention, and just heads out to the foyer. It’s an action that gains people’s attention.

“No no he’s okay leave him be.” Mason tells them all, and so they leave Axel to it, and gather in a group in the centre of the ring.

“Okay so I know my sister told you all how Ellie’s doing earlier.” Mason starts. “As you can expect Axel’s taking it really hard, he’s going to perform solo for the foreseeable future, but at least for now he’s not going to be in the finale. I just wanna day please don’t bother him, give him his space. He doesn’t mean to come across as rude, he’s just going through too much right now is all okay?”

Everyone just nods silently and Mason carries on.

“Okay so people are gonna ask questions, you tell them nothing. You just say she’s in the hospital she’s doing okay. They don’t need to know anything. This is personal to us, no one out there needs to know anything.”

Again everyone nods silently, and Mason calls an end to the meeting and tells everybody to get ready to open up. Mason goes over to Axel three, and places a hand on the young man’s shoulder, who flinches and shoves Mason off.

“Hey it’s okay it’s me.” Mason tells axel, who calms then and sighs heavily.

“You okay for me to open up?” Mason asks, and Axel simply just nods without saying a word. So Mason goes over to the foyer door, and opens it, allowing the public to start entering.

As expected, news of the accident has spread, and people ask Mason non stop about Ellie. They also of course gravitate over to Axel, asking him a million and one questions, which he does his best to graciously answer, until he can take no more, so he calls Mason over, and hands him enough money for change before leaving and just going round to sit backstage.

“Let me guess, they didn’t shut up?” Denis, the show’s unicyclist asks.

“It’s all the same question over and over and over.” Axel replies as he sits down. “I mean it was okay at first but it was constant.”

“When Danjela fell three years ago in Lithuania it was the same.” Denis tells him. “And then one person told the whole town that she had died.”

Axel’s eyes widen at that and he exhales heavily.

“Anyone tries that one here I’ll punch ‘em.” He declares, and then gets up and grabs a yoga mat out of a bag that lies next to the chair he has been sat in. He lies it out on the floor and then removes his front of house jacket, and drapes it over the chair, then pulls his jazz boots out of the bag and puts them on. He spends the next ten minutes stretching and warming up on the mat.

Once the show starts he gets up and jumps about a little bit just to get his heart rate going, and then goes to take his place behind the curtain. As Denis finishes his act, A el finds himself wishing he hadn’t gotten his heart rate going, because now it’s going too much. He listens as Mason talks a little about what happened, telling the audience that Ellie is recovering in hospital and that he hopes to welcome her back into the ring soon. Then the moment finally comes. Mason declares that the show must go on, and introduces Axel as a solo performer for the first time since he met Ellie.

The sound of Queen’s The Show Must Go On fills the extremely large tent, and Axel steps through the curtain, his mind on autopilot as walks down the steps and into the ring.

He remembers everyone earlier telling him he must use the lunge, and so once he has climbed the rope and is sat on the trapeze, he clips the lunge rope to his belt, and then takes a deep breath as he drops into his first neck hold.

The rest of the routine is a complete blur. The only thing he is overly aware of is he empty trapeze adjacent to his, where Ellie would be during the second, more up tempo part of their act. But today he skips the swinging, he just sticks to static, and once he has completed the final trick, he finishes the way he always has done, by letting go and letting himself fall from the trapeze, to be lowered down gently by Mason who is holding the lunge rope.

Once again Mason calls out for the crowd to applaud Axel, and Axel very quickly disappears out of the ring.

The second he is behind the curtain, Axel’s legs give out. He falls to the floor, his body wracked with sobs, his breath heavy and broken. Three of the other artists come hurrying over to him and help him up off of the floor, taking him out of the bandstand, and down the steps to where his chair is backstage.

He isn’t sure how many people are crowded around him, he doesn’t care. He just yanks the wrist bands from around his wrists, and uncontrollably begins to scratch at his skin. Crying out a little as his hands are pulled apart from each other, and then, his father’s voice.

“Axel.” Tony speaks with a calmness to his voice that commands his son to listen. “Axel I need to you calm down and come with me okay? The audience can hear you.”

“Non.” Axel snaps at him, and looks up to meet his eyes. If looks could kill then this look surely would cause a genocide. “Je veux mourir.”

“Non tu ne.” Tony replies, and then looks round to see the show’s hand balancer. “Seth go grab Mason for me.”

Suddenly Axel breaks free of the people holding his hands apart, and manages to throw everyone off of him before getting up and going outside. Tony quickly follows him out, watching as Axel tears his costume apart. So before the young man can do any more damage Tony rushes up to him, grabs him and throws him to the ground harshly, straddling him and pulling Axel’s arms behind his back. Much like Mason had had to do the day before, much like they often have to do when he slips into one of his attacks.

“Get off me!” Axel cries out, struggling against his father’s hold, and then lets out a frustrated and angry cry.

“I’m not getting off of you, and you do not want to die.” Tony speaks, detaining his calmness at all times.

“Grrrrr fuck off!” Axel still cries. “Get off!”

“Okay I’m here.” Mason calls out as he runs over with heavy footsteps. “Sorry I just had to finish the skit with Benny.”

Inside the tent the show is still going on, the very man Tony had sent to get Mason is performing, giving Mason a seven minute window to help dissolve this situation.

“Could you go grab his meds please?” Tony asks.

“Yeah sure, back in a few.” Mason replies, and hurried off across the field to Axel’s trailer. Before he reaches it though, Axel’s mother has the door open and offers him a bottle full of pills and a bottle of water.

“How did he do?” She asks.

“He did great, he just doesn’t see it that way.” Mason replies, and then turns to head back over to the commotion. Once there he kneels before Axel, and helps him up into a kneeling position while Tony still holds his arms behind his back.

“I’m scared.” Axel cries now, all traces of anger gone.

“I know.” Tony speaks calmly and softly to him. “If I let you go can you hold the water bottle?”

Axel shakes his head, as his whole body quakes violently. So Mason gives him one of his pills and helps him with the water bottle. He can’t stay after that though as the act going on in the show is finishing, so he gets up and goes inside, while Tony sits with Axel, and waits for the attack to subside.

“Dad?” Axel asks as he lies back down and the attack begins to fade with the help of the medication.

“Yeah?” Tony asks, stroking Axel’s hair as he lies with his head in Tony’s lap.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shhhh.” Tony soothes. “No need to apologise, it’s okay. You did really well in there. First is always the worst one but you’ve done it now.”

“I want her home.” Axel carries on talking, his speech beginning to slur now.

“I know.” Tony tells him, and then helps him up. “Come on, lets go get you changed. You going to do the other show?”

“Yeah.” Axel nods as he speaks quietly, slurred and subdued. “Ellie’d tear my bollocks off and feed them to the dogs if I didn’t.”

Tony chuckles at that, and takes his son back over to his trailer, and picks him up to carry him into his bedroom, where he lies him down on the bed so that he can rest for a while until he has to get ready again.

“Dammm myfflemum.” Tony hears as he’s about to leave the room, and turns to face his son.

“Say again?” He smiles, but Axel is already asleep. So Tony leaves the room, and goes out into the living room, where his wife sits with the twins while they eat their dinner.

“He’s asleep.” Tony announces to his wife. “I’m gonna tell Mason to take him out of the first half and put him in last, that way he can just stay there until the interval of the next show and get at least three hours in.”

“Ok, sounds good.” His wife tells him, as she attends to the twins, helping them to eat without making a complete mess of themselves for a change.

A few short minutes later, the door is pulled open, and Tony returns.

“Okay that’s that sorted.” He announces.

“His panic attacks are bad right now no?” Axel’s mother, Janae asks her husband as she continues to clean up after the twins, and then lifts them out of their high chairs in turn.

“Yeah.” Ton replies as he sits on the floor, and lays out a water colouring Matt for the twins to safely scribble all over without getting any ink or crayon or anything like that anywhere.

“It’s brought five years ago back to the front of his mind.” Tony tells her calmly as he hands Bonnie a water pen, and then grabs Alexi and picks him up to take him across to another part of the trailer.

“Darling where’s the changing bag?” He asks, and so his wife picks it up and takes it to him. “Little stinky bum bum.”

Alexi lies perfectly still as his grandfather changes him, and then disposed of the used things. He doesn’t bother to put clothes back onto the toddler as he has a sneaking suspicion he’s only going to get in a mess again anyway.

“Mama.” Bonnie suddenly demands as she stops scribbling, and then gets up, and goes over to a backpack by the door, Ellie’s backpack. “Mama.”

“”No sweetheart mama’s not very well today.” Tony tries to tell his grand daughter, and then winds up having to make a mad dash to catch her as she toddles over to the door, and tries to push it open.

“Mama!!!!!” The little girl screams now. Her grandfather quickly shushes her, but she begins to cry loudly.

In the bedrooms Axel opens his eyes, and lies motionless in his bed listening to his daughter scream for her mother. It isn’t her fault she’s screaming. All she knows is her mother is gone and she wants her back. She has no way of understanding why her mother is gone, just that she is gone. With a sigh he pushes himself to sit up, unaware of how long he has been asleep, and gets up out of bed.

Once he has passed through to the living room, he calls out for his daughter, and she escapes her grandfather’s grasp to come hurrying over to her dad.

“Papa.” She cries as Axel scoops her up.

“I know princess, I know.” Axel carries her over to the couch, and sits down with her. Alexi soon joins them.

“I know you both miss mummy.” Axel speaks calmly. “But mummy’s poorly right now, she’s got to stay away for a little while.”

Without another word, Bonnie calms down in her father’s arms and begins sucking her thumb, as Alexi goes and grabs a book from on top of the toy box across the room, and brings it over to Axel.

“You want this?” Axel asks.

“Yeah.” Alexi answers, and so Axel shifts Bonnie to sit next to him, then picks Alexi up to sit the other side of him, and starts to read the book to both of them.

As he reads, his parents quietly leave the trailer, giving their son some much needed time with his children. The first show of the day is ending now, and in a couple of hours Axel will have to go back into the the tent and perform again.

“Do you think we should tell him not tonight?” Janae asks as they stand outside together, watching as the audience begin to leave the tent.

“No.” Tony shakes his head. He takes a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, removes one and lights it. It may be an awful habit, but right now it’s providing a release that he so desperately needs. He exhales heavily before he next speaks.

“When we lost Roman, he fell apart.” He starts, and takes a drag of the cigarette again. “Right now, yes he’s having a lot of attacks, a lot of flashbacks, but he’s coping. He’s still performing, he’s still willing to perform. When we were in the hospital he started filming a video diary for Ellie for when she wakes up in case she doesn’t know who anyone is.”

Janae shudders a little at hearing the name Roman.

Five years ago, when Axel had been just fourteen years old, he and his older brother, who was the same age Axel is now, had been performing a duo straps act together, when their winch cable got caught, and instead of releasing, it snapped, sending both Axel and his brother Roman hurtling to the ground. Roman has landed head first, Axel had landed on top of him. But where Axel was able to get up, and walk away from the accident, Roman had died instantly upon hitting his head on the floor. Ever since, Axel has struggled with PTSD, and extremely bad panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, the works. Not catching Ellie yesterday had quite literally been his worst nightmare.

“I just worry is all.” Janae replies, and watches as Tony drops the cigarette and stamps it out. The two then go back inside the trailer, where Axel now has the twins in their bed clothes, and is lying them down in their cots.

Janae and Tony watch as he tucks them in, both of them already asleep, and then leaves a nightlight on in their room.

“Hey.” He whispers and smiles up at his parents. “They shouldn’t wake up until at least 4am now.”

“You okay?” Tony asks.

Axel nods, and then goes over to his wardrobe, and pulls out a fresh costume to change into ready for the show. He’s going with the exact same look as he went with for the first show, only a different body suit, a purple one.

“I’m sorry I’m so all over the place.” He whispers an apology as he begins to get changed. “When me and Roman fell, I wished it was me that hit the ground first. Then last night, all I could think was why Ellie? Why not me? But then, I look at my kids, and, well I don’t know. But it doesn’t seem so bad.”

Janae doesn’t say a word, she just goes over to her son, and pulls him into a tight hug, then lets him go so he can continue to get ready.

Later that night, Axel performs his solo act to the best of his ability, and then hurried back out of the ring, a lot calmer than the first show, and even stays to do the finale. With quick hugs and well wishes from everyone after, Axel makes a beeline for his trailer, but is met half way across the field by his father, looking white as a ghost.

“What?” Axel asks. “Is it Ellie? Please no, no please tell me she’s-“

“She’s awake.”