Salt

Eventually, my legs were screaming for mercy and I perched on the edge of a bench. The world was spinning and I had no stable thing to hold onto. The vertigo was rising.

How could this have happened? How did we get here?

Throwing my head into my hands, I immediately shivered when the cold washed down my back. The gust of wind wasn’t anything new.

The shift on the bench, however, was.

“Babe, what are you doing? Come here.”

Allowing Lu to pull me closer, his heartbeat lulled away the madness. Until every drop was spent and aching for another taste.

I threaded my fingers through his spare hand, seeing he was wearing those same fingerless gloves he almost never went without. Ripped and old, anybody else would've traded them in for new and cleaner ones, but not Lu.

“Jesse, he…”

“Ssh, it’s okay. I’ll kick his ass later.” Voice dropping low, he placed a delicate kiss to my hairline. This boy was always there whenever I needed him most, I couldn’t say for sure when I last did the same, and I’m not even sure if I deserved it. “You have cried way too many tears over that boy.”

If there was ever a time to envision Lu rolling his eyes, it was at that comment.

But he was right. As stupid and as eternal my love in Jesse was, he was also the reason I collapsed a lot. Boys hadn’t gotten to me quite like he did. Young boys broke hearts and refused to apologise. Jesse knew just when to say sorry, worked on his problems and promised to do and be better. And went through with it.

For more than a third of his life, he’d lost moments and memories to addictive substances. He was trying, so hard.

Then, why did I feel empty?

I pursed my lips, pulling back the sob before it escaped. I couldn’t do it anymore.

“I’m not going to cry,” I said, sitting back up, yet my hand gripped his harder. I blinked, facing the town, as the breeze tore its way through. It wouldn’t dare fuck with me. “I’m confused, and angry, and tired. Every time I think it can’t get any worse... Can I ask you something?”

He shifted on his spot, but his black eyes never faltered.

“Of course.”

“Jesse revealed why he broke up with me. Apparently, I’m not that observant. Did you know?”

Something flashed across his face, but it was fleeting. My heart was beating so fast I was afraid it would burst through its rattling cage.

Meeting my eyes once more, he just nodded.

There weren’t many words that could describe the flush that spread throughout my body. I couldn’t dampen it, the chill in the air simply wasn’t enough.

“I don’t believe this,” I exhaled, gently pulling my hand out from under his.

“Ash, we were pro–”

“Protecting me? I’m not a child, Lu, I can make decisions without somebody to advise me. I’m twenty-one, why treat me like a kid who doesn’t know any better?”

He shrugged, albeit half-heartedly.

“I’m sorry. He asked me to keep it to myself when I found out. Jesse’s my friend, too, Ash, I couldn’t betray that trust.”

“So, what about mine?” I squeaked out. My throat was constricting so harshly, I couldn’t believe it whenever I saw my breath in the air. Everything was crushing, the weight too much for my wiry frame. “I’m supposed to be your best friend.”

“You are.”

“Best friends don’t withhold secrets like this. For more than a year I was in a relationship with a–” I cut myself off, I couldn’t say it. “And you knew. God, you knew!”

Bolting upright, I started walking away from him, but was almost immediately brought back by the incessant tug of his hand on my sleeve.

Swatting him off, I carried on walking, hoping he’d return to the bench and think about what he’d done.

But he didn’t, he followed, pleading.

“Yes, I did, and I hated keeping it from you. Which is why on Founders Day, at the campfire during story time, I confessed that I… I…”

I whipped around, fury blazing as I grounded my teeth.

“You what?”

He swallowed, looking up at me past his lilac locks. Those brown eyes sunk deep, but I refused to drown this time.

“I think I’m the reason he didn’t go to rehab sooner. When I found him, he was supposed to be shopping for your birthday present. Instead, he was slumped over a trashcan, drooling over days old melon cake. I thought maybe there was something wrong, but then there was the needle protruding from his arm. I put two and two together and took him home. That’s why last year he painted you instead. We didn’t get your present.” His eyes were soft, genuine, so much so that I couldn’t look any longer. “When he came to, he was resolute on getting help and telling you, but I told him not to. I knew it would wreck you and that’s the last thing I ever wanted.”

I crossed my arms, still reeling from all this information. First Jesse, now Lu. My system was overloaded, I was shocked I wasn’t fried by this time. Soon, the fire would spread, because that’s just how it worked.

“At the campfire, I was third to go. I wouldn’t say it with-out his permission, so I faced you directly. I said I had such a big secret that I couldn’t tell. All this time, it’s been killing me and, as awful as it is, it’s not the end of the world, Ash. Jesse, me; we’re human. All we can do is make mistakes and learn from them. And we’re sorry.”

My jaw clenched on its own, frozen, but not just from the cold.

I avoided Lu’s gaze, I couldn’t remember the last time we fought. It must have been more than five years now, so where did it leave us?

I shook my head, blinking away deceptive secretions.

“I don’t care,” I bit my lip, as in my peripheral vision, he slumped and pouted. “Whatever we had, it’s done. Officially. I’m done.”

Briskly walking forward, I didn’t give in when he called me back. He didn’t run after me, didn’t cry, or plead. He knew I meant it.

And then, I was alone. In the same state of my birth, but without much more meaningful connections to speak of, this foetus was undeveloped and dying.

And I surrendered too.