Salt

Fluttering my eyes open, the crust around them fell inside, an immediate bad omen to the start of my day. I went to sit up and rub them clean, but the constant thrum of my head stopped me dead. Twinging me with a hate for the hundreds of brain cells I purposely killed last night.

Rolling over, I snuck a glance at the clock. The arm was a fraction over eleven, but as I prepared to close my eyes again, the shrill melody of my mobile startled me.

I picked up and answered groggily, "Yes?"

"Gee, Ashley, surely you're not still in bed?"

I groaned, pressing a cold hand to my burning neck, while also propping me up.

True enough, the sun was drenching the town in all of its misplaced glory. Not often was it warm enough to be deemed a sunny day. Apparently, this was the day that all changed.

"Of all people, I didn't think you'd be the one to shame me for sleeping in, Jett." As soon as I said it, I sighed. "Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean–"

But he laughed.

"Shut up, you duck. Anyway, I'm on my way to the drug-store if you feel like taking a drive with me... please?"

He spoke slowly, most likely knowing I was already throwing the covers off. So, I stated I'd get him outside in twenty minutes.

Getting washed and dressed quickly, I was tying my hair up when I could hear the heavy footsteps of my mother ambling all over the wooden floors downstairs. She could be bouncing around, given that by this time she would've had about three or four coffees already.

I bit my lip, the lingering salt alerting me I'd forgotten to brush my teeth.

Chewing some gum, I descended the stairs swifter than a crack of lightning on a sailor's winter night. Slipping easily into my sneakers, I had just cracked the front door open when my mother's voice boomed.

"Ashley, could I speak to you for a moment?"

Bracing myself, I didn't turn around, much to her obvious chagrin.

"Where are you going?"

"Out." I replied, almost instantly. I could feel her eyes burning into my shoulder blades, creating cuts of their own. No matter how many wounds she inflicted upon me, the fact was that the knife was buried in so deep that everything else was shallow.

"Seriously, where?"

"Does it fucking matter?" I sighed. I was twenty-one years old, not a child, giving her my whereabouts all the time was no longer required.

She groaned, but didn't reprimand me. I guessed she knew there was no point.

So, I left, seeing that Jett's car was already parked in our driveway. The black shine stood out like a dark hole that was seeking to destroy and consume what looked like an otherwise glorious town.

As soon as I got in, he didn't pocket his phone, like he usually would. He casually scrolled for a couple more moments before his eyes met with mine.

"Hey there. Pharmacy?"

I nodded.

The drive was short, and quiet. And that was okay. With Jett, the world could seem so peaceful, even if it was busy and stressful. He enjoyed the privacy and right now, so did I.

We parked out front, but my friend didn't move for a good handful of time. Instead, his concentration kept wavering in between peering through the window and the other stationary cars in front of us.

I snuck a quick glance.

The man behind the counter smiled at the frail old lady he was currently serving. His soft caramel-colored hand touched hers momentarily before she turned to leave.

"You should go in now, Derek looks happy."

Jett chuckled. "Derek's always happy."

"Exactly. Pop that cute butt of yours in there, get your prescription and bag that date." When he just blinked at me, I winked. "Go, I'll be fine."

Still unsure whether or not it was by my encouragement, he exited the vehicle and quickly headed in, chains on his jeans clinking. I craned my neck to watch as he waltzed in, grabbing the young man's attention immediately. Dimples appeared on both his cheeks.

Sitting back, I relaxed into the cool leather as I watched the world around me. There was a bite of frost on the edges of my window and when I touched it, still, it refused to melt. I was just as cold.

I exhaled. My breath was there, but my heartbeat was not. If I was so alive, then why did I feel like I'd died a long time ago?

I shut my eyes. The best way to stop that kind of thinking was to block it out, right? I shifted my interest to better things in my life, such as my friends.

Friends, is that what they were?

Opening my eyes again, I wasn't startled when I noticed a blurry watercolor in the far distance. It was getting closer, with every step. Not any clearer, of course, but I refused to break contact with it. If it was just a shadow my mind had conjured up to place blame on, then that meant it was harmless. There was nothing else to it.

It just meant one more snake in the grass. Not just me, but the one thing I should always rely on. Listen to your head, they say, after all.

But how could I?

It was perhaps only three cars away, when the vehicle changed weight. And I blinked.

Of course, that meant it was gone. Scared away for now, until next time.

"That was... horrendous." Jett sighed melodramatically, as he stuffed his prescription in the backseat and quickly typed on his phone. When I cocked my head to lookout for Derek, my friend shook his head, grin beginning to gather on his face. "I can't believe it worked."

My expression mirrored his, even if the warmth didn't spread beyond that.

"So...?"

He bit his lip as he turned his mobile to me, where the pharmaceutical man's name glowed in porcelain. On either side of it, there were two pink hearts.

About to claim that I knew he'd get his number, suddenly his face fell. He stared at the screen, jaw clenching before putting it in his pocket.

"So, what? Does this mean Stevie was right about me? Am I a f–"

"Hey! No. You can be whatever or whoever the hell you want to be. That man does not rule over you anymore. I mean, you're Jett Lawrence, that's exactly who and what you are." Slowly inching my hand towards his, our fingers intertwined. Mine looked so small in comparison. "You're perfect."

Jett's smile was soft, breakable. If only there was something I could do to make it more permanent. He'd been through so much in just twenty-two years, no one deserved that kind of heartbreak.

"You know, my psychobabblist suggested to me the idea of forgiveness. People change, I know that. For all I know, his mates jumping me wasn't planned. Or not by him anyway. He's locked up, do I really think he'd risk extending his sentence for the likes of me?" He huffed, rooting around his jacket for his cigarettes. He lit one up and took a long drag. "Not really. He's calculating but it's not exactly smart."

The smoke stung my eyes so I chose to look down. My fingers were squeezing his so tightly.

The thought of letting go never crossed me.

"He did something so disgusting, so despicable that I now no longer have the most important person in my life. How can I possibly forgive that?"

I didn't face him, but I didn't have to. I knew his face was twisted.

"He's the reason I did what I did, I became who I was. I didn't have that guidance anymore. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I didn't... I didn't have anything."

I swallowed. This was getting heavy, not something I was particularly used to with Jett. Although, it was starting to be a habit, too.

"Is what he did forgivable? No. Do I want to try anyway? Maybe." His cigarette pressed firmly between his cracked lips. "He's not perfect. Fuck, he's got more flaws than redeeming qualities, but I'm not either. We all make bad choices, sometimes it's all we do, but we shouldn't be defined by them." He turned to me, stubbing out his poison on the aluminum of his vehicle. "Didn't you say something similar?"

I exhaled. My mind was spinning a million miles per hour and, no matter how far I reached, I couldn't grasp onto a single thought.

On one hand, I wanted to scream at Jett that forgiving his father was stupid. On the other, I guess I could relate.

My mother wasn't just having a full-blown affair but had created this twenty-five year old love story with Mr Ford. She was genuinely trying to be happy, and I spat in her face and told her she was messing up everything she'd built up to now.

I mean, I hadn't changed my mind. She was being stupid and irresponsible – but it wasn't my decision to make.

And, yes, it wasn't to the same degree of Stevie killing his mom, but forgiveness is a funny thing. We don't do it because someone deserves it.

"I don't see why you'd forgive him..." I stared ahead, seeing his face change wouldn't help the burning resolve in my gut that told me I was correct.

He exhaled, starting the engine once again.

"Does it matter?"

We began driving again, but while I saw it all pass by me, I still wasn't sure where we were going. Although I was aware we obtained what we came out for, the very last thing I wanted to do was face my mother and possibly have a screaming match with her.

His words circled my head and, as we predictably stopped outside my house, I didn't move. He didn't say anything either, instead he got out his phone and was furiously tapping away. I didn't have to guess who it could be.

When I made no indication to move, his fingers slipped in between mine.

"Whatever it is that has you so drained today, it will get better."

"And if it doesn't?"

Jett squeezed my hand, I could feel his pulse throbbing. It was oddly rhythmic.

"You're Ashley Hawkins, I don't think there's a single thing you can't conquer." Laughing lowly, it only went on for a few beats before he stopped. "I've never met a better person. You've got this."

Blind faith, that's what he had in me. Which was stupid. Sweet – but stupid.

I breathed out, despite the fact I was losing more oxygen the longer I stayed.

"Did you know Jesse was an addict?"

Without missing a beat, he nodded. "Yeah, for a while. I take it you–"

"Just discovered it like the ignorant fool I am? Yep. Safe to say I don't think I reacted too well." When he just made a half-effort murmur, I looked at him. He was purposely looking through the windshield. "Does everyone know? Why did no one tell me?"

"And take away Jesse's choice to do so? No thank you. We're his friends, Ash, not his boss. Look, it's not pretty, but that's the reality. He's got demons, big ones, and they're never going to disappear. There's always this hunger, no matter how long you've been clean. You can still want it even though you know you don't need it, or vice versa. And maybe, yeah, he could fall off the wagon. Perhaps a few times. But... now that you know, it must be a relief. Instead of being afraid of him and who he was, you can stand with him. Don't underestimate the power of support. Especially yours."

"Why me?"

Again, he laughed.

"Are you kidding me? You're the most important person in his life. You're his muse. The reason he got clean in the first place. In the end, if he doesn't have you in his corner, then it's all moot."

There was a time when I'd have become giddy at a statement like that, being told I was Jesse's everything. The worst part was it was like that until very recently.

I'd spent more than two years in love with someone I barely even knew. He spent all that time lying to me, covering up who he was. If he told me from the get-go, did he think I'd be angry?

Because I wouldn't be. I'd have known what I was getting myself into. I could've helped.

But now – now was different. I wasn't angry, I never was.

Hurt, though? Most definitely.

Kissing Jett's cheek, the bruise on his skin could've easily transferred to mine, since the smile on my lips was obviously forced.

Entering the house before he pulled out the driveway, I was placing down my shoes when I heard a voice melodically laughing.

Slowly, I approached the kitchen, almost instantly finding my mother and Bryce Ford cooking together. His arms were wound tight around her plump waist and his head was buried in the crook of her neck, kissing her flesh.

She was about to scold him, when we connected eyes. The knife in her hand halted in its feeble attempt to chop carrots.

Knowing she was a few seconds away from stirring up a conversation, I turned on my heel and walked out.

I couldn't offer her the support she wanted right now, but I figured peace would be the next best thing.