Be All Mine

“Now, you're absolutely sure you want to go with me today?” I asked Matt. I was busy cleaning up the mess we'd made trying to make cookies and he was at work on mopping up the floor where flour had spilled. I never thought a guy like Matt would find baking as much fun as a little girl did, but he started to tease me with the spoons full of cookie dough and I threw flour at him. He'd thrown the flour all over my floor as a joke and I grabbed the spoon I'd used to beat the batter and got the dough all over his face.

Matt smiled and leaned on the long handle of the mop. “Of course I do. I asked, remember?”

“True,” I said. “But sometimes guys get weird and back out. Don't know why.”

“Did Mark?” asked Matt.

I looked over at him and paused to throw my dirty dish towel in the sink. “No,” I replied, spraying the island counter down with 409. “No, Mark just never went. He was either busy, or he said he just was too tired to go because he'd been so busy.”

Matt nodded slowly.

“But who cares,” I said, throwing my arms around Matt's neck as I kissed his chin. “You're going with me this time and I appreciate it a lot more that if Mark went.”

“Good,” he said, kissing my forehead before adding, “Now I'm gonna go start the car so you'll be nice and cool. It's your day to relax.”

“I ain't helpless yet,” I said.

He shrugged. “Yes...But I like having you at my fingertips.”

I threw the fresh towel I'd gotten out of the drawer at him and laughed as he ducked it and ran down the hallway to the garage.

Once the kitchen was clean and I'd changed into a pair of shorts and a baby doll halter top, I hopped down the stairs of my front walk way and locked the house behind me. Matt was idled in the driveway, the garage door closing as I jumped into the passenger seat, Matt smug behind the wheel of my SUV.

“I like this type of car,” he said, pulling out of the drive way and into the street before zooming off. “It's not so cramped. It feels like a giant living room on the go.”

“All they need to do is make a car with a toilet that doesn't smell in the back of the car,” I joked, Matt rolling his eyes and laughing to himself. “But yes, it's a nice change from the usual Corvette or Ferrari. It's cozy.”

We drove through Starbucks before finally arriving at the hospital where we were going to discover my baby's gender and size. Matt was seemingly more excited than I was and I couldn't stop grinning as he held my hand and led me inside.

I signed in with the front desk and took a seat beside Matt as he sipped his frozen coffee slowly. “I really hate waiting for doctors,” I whispered, watching the nurses look over at me and Matt and then talk amongst themselves secretly. “Everybody makes the atmosphere so uptight.”

“It's a hospital,” Matt said. “Of course it's uptight. They have to look, act, be, and talk clean. If they didn't they would say goodbye to their large income and patients.”

I nodded in agreement as a woman in a typical-white doctor's coat walked towards Matt and me and smiled. She was older, with long, dulled-brown hair and large blue eyes that had subtle wrinkles at the side of her eyes. Her pale skin looked extra pale as it clashed with her bright red lipstick.

“You must be Audrey,” she said, putting out her left arm as I shook her hand and stood up. “I'm Dr. Washburn. Your regular doctor, Dr. Thompson? He's out for about a month in Africa. So he asked if I could handle your first couple of months' exams.”

“Okay, cool,” I said calmly. I would have preferred my old doctor because he was fresh and young with a lovely attitude and had a great atmosphere to him. “That's fine with me.”

She smiled and nodded before extending her arm for Matt's hand shake. “Are you the father?” she wondered, as I blushed and Matt smiled.

“No, no,” he said. “I'm just the boyfriend who's here to be a comfort. Plus I wanted to see what went on.”

She obviously must have thought twice about me because she seemed more snobby. “Oh, Okay,” she said. “I'm sorry. I just assumed.”

“It's okay,” I said, as she led us down the long hallway to our room. I rolled my eyes at Matt as he just smiled and hid a smug laugh.

Dr. Washburn had me lie down on the long bed-like table and took my usuals like heartbeat and blood pressure before she had me lie completely down and left. Matt and I sat in silence for a minute or two before I finally asked, “Like it yet?”

He got up off of the chair and came to my side as he kissed my forehead sweetly. “If you mean do I like being with you no matter what? Then yes. If you mean do I like her? Hell no. She made you seem like whore or something.”

I laughed and held his hand as she walked back into the room with her gloves on and a large package of the goo that would soon be spread over my stomach like peanut butter and jelly on a piece of bread.

“So do you know how this works, Audrey?” she asked me, sitting down on the doctor's chair that had wheels as she opened up the drawer to retrieve the actual devices used for ultrasound exams.

I nodded and replied, “I have a five year old son. I remember this part very much.”

She nodded and I held Matt's hand still as she slathered the clear goo all over my abdomen. My body tensed from the coldness of the stuff, and I smiled at Matt who looked quite intrigued by the whole prospect of goo being able to paint a picture for us.

“So...The head is right...here,” she said, smoothing the ultrasound equipment over to the right side of my stomach. I watched and grinned as I saw it's tiny little head. “And...oh!”

I quickly looked at her. “What? What oh? What's wrong?”

She smiled and said, “Congratulations. You're having twins. The other head is on your left side and their feet are near one another's. See?”

“What!” I yelped, forcing myself to not only keep lying down but keep myself from crying or hyperventilating. “I'm...I'm having twins? Are you sure?”

Dr. Washburn gestured to the blue-gray screen and pointed out both of the babies as I squeezed Matt's hand tightly. All of my breaths seemed quick and scared as I viewed the images of a boy and a girl appear on the screen. They were beautiful, and I think that's why I started to cry right in front of Matt and the doctor. I couldn't believe that I was giving birth to two remarkable beings at once. I was overwhelmed the first time I got an ultrasound with Mikey, but now I was hysterical.

The doctor congratulated me once more before leaving the room to give me time to clean up and clam down.

“You okay?” Matt laughed, smoothing my hair back from my forehead as I nodded and smiled through blurry eyes. “You're gonna be a great mom, Audrey. If you ever need help with the little ones, I'm definitely here for you. You know that.”

I nodded again, unable to speak or laugh as I rubbed away the tears on my face. “I...I just didn't think I would h-have t-twins. I...I'm so happy! I can't...I c-can't speak!”

Matt laughed and threw his arms around my shoulders as I hugged him as well. We eventually let go so I could get the crud off of my stomach, and then I took his hand as he led me down the hall and out to the parking lot.

“I have to tell Mark,” I said, getting my cell phone.

“Right now?” Matt asked, obviously annoyed by the sound of Mark's name within the car.

“Why wouldn't I, Matt? He's the father,” I said. “Why? Do you not like it when I talk to Mark or something? Because I hate to admit it, but I'm not ever going to not talk to him for any reason.”

Matt gripped the steering wheel and sighed. “I just, I hear you talking to him and I can hear the love that is still in your voice,” he confessed, as I tensed up in my seat. “You may not realize it, but you still love him more than I really like.”

I gulped down a wad of air and turned to face Matt. His eyes stared directly into mine as I tried to search through them for the right words to say. “I do still love Mark, Matt,” I started. “But it's the kind of love where you would do as much as you could for them to help them and you would care for them if they were ill. He's probably my best friend. He's the father of my beautiful son, and unborn children. Of course I love him.”

As I paused to let the first part sink in, I watched Matt turn his head away from me and look at the floor. He was hurt and I could sense that, but I wasn't trying to be the root of his pain.

“Matt,” I said sympathetically. “I may love Mark to death, but it's you that I would take a bullet for, and we've only been together a few weeks. That should say more than enough. I've always been an independent girl, and for me to sudden;y realize that you are the person I'd die for, lie for, kill for, that should say a lot more than it seems.”

He looked up at me and I put my hand on his right cheek gently. “I'm in love with you, Mathew Saunders. And I don't deny that, if I could, I'd rather you be the father of these children than Mark, because I know that you would at least be here for them more than he would. But I can't change that. I love you. Okay?”

Matt nodded and pulled me as close as we could get over the arm rest in the middle. I kissed his cheek and then his lips as he said, “I love you, too, Audrey. I'd die for you, too.”

We pulled apart and I smoothed my hand on his shoulder as he started off towards his house once more. I didn't put the radio on or roll the windows down because I felt that the silence in the car was the best thing right now. I wanted to give him some time to realize that all I'd said was from my heart and that it was true. I really did wish that my kids were somehow his and mine because they would be the most loved and adored children on this planet. But, like I said, I can't change something as big as that. Mark was the father and I thanked him everyday for giving me three children that would grow up to understand just how much they were loved and appreciated. They were my children, why wouldn't I kill for them?

Matt pulled into his driveway and I quickly said, “Matt? Are you okay? If I hurt you, I'm sorry.”

He leaned over and kissed my lips for a long while before finally talking to me. “I'm not mad, or hurt,” he answered. “I just wish for the same thing as you.”

I looked at him quizzically.”What was that?”

“I wish they were my children,” he said. “I know the first day I was with you that you were the one I wanted to share something as beautiful as this with, and when I found out you were pregnant with Mark, I did sort of freak, though I lied about it. I wanted to be able to give to the world something that you and I created, whether it was as simple as a song or as grand as a child. I would die for not only you, Audrey, but for your son, for your future kids.”

My eyes began to water up as I finally let his words settle within my soul. This was the man I'd dreamed about, and yet he was so much more than that. I knew him better than I think I should after only a couple of weeks, but I knew there had to be reason behind it.

“I never told you what happened with my ex,” Matt said quietly and fearfully. “How really I had been the one who wanted a family, even a small one, and she wanted to do the rock star life style. We'd been dating almost three years and we found out she was pregnant. I was...I was like you in the hospital. I was scared, yes, but I was excited because I always wanted a son of my own, or a little girl.”

Body shaking, I struggled to clam my breathing as Matt suddenly relayed this news to me. I was scared because I didn't know what he was going to confess to me. I wasn't angry, I was in love with a regretful and seemingly lonely man. Of course I was scared of what he would say at this moment.

“She got angry with me, said I wasn't being sensible; she said ruined her life.” He gulped and held onto my hand as it shook violently within his own warm and sweaty palm. “She wouldn't answer my calls for two weeks, and finally I found out why. She'd...She'd moved away after getting an abortion.”

Matt looked at me as I watched his eyes carefully. He was hurt and alone as he relived that moment of his life. I wish I could have been there for him, maybe then he would have realized that life wasn't so scary.

“When I saw you and Mikey, I was suddenly aware that I wasn't looking for more fame, more money...I wanted what you and Mikey had: a family. It may not be a normal family, but it was one none-the-less.”

I hushed him and shook my head slowly. “Stop,” I said hoarsely. “You're wrong. You already are in our family. Mikey called you his dad one night, Matt. I heard it and I pray to god that Mark didn't. You've impacted Mikey's life so much that I think he's truly confused on why Mark is his daddy and you're not. Mark just...he just doesn't see how badly Mikey wants to talk to him like he can to you. You don't treat him like he's a kid, but like a true, fully grown person, complete with an understanding of feelings and emotions and ideas. You are his father, Matt. Maybe not legally, or biologically, but emotionally and mentally you are.”

I watched as Matt suddenly broke down and started to cry and I unbuckled my seatbelt to scoot on top of the arm rest and throw my arms around his shoulders. He cried into my chest, occasionally saying, “I love you, Audrey...Audrey, I love you.”

Resting my cheek on his head, I quieted him and kissed his shaved head. I didn't want to hear him cry anymore because it showed just how badly he was in pain and struggling within himself.

After some time, I got him to follow me to his bedroom where I let him lay down and rest his eyes a bit. I climbed in next to him and lied face to face with him as he held me close to him. “I love you Audrey,” he whispered.

I kissed his chin and said, “I love you, too, Matt.”

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” he wondered.

“After today? I better be,” I said, as he smiled and kissed my lips.