Be All Mine

The aroma of the sirloins cooking on the grill made my mouth water as I played football with Mikey and Matt. Mikey chased the ball and I ran to pick him up and spin him, but Matt came up from behind and did the same to me as I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Matt!” I shouted, as he continued to run with me towards the patio, his muscles obviously not getting weak at all by my weight. I pretended to be some sort of damsel in distress as Mikey ran over to Matt and shot him with his imaginary laser gun.

“Ah! Mikey, you shot me!” Matt wailed, falling to his knees as I giggled and got to my feet. He fell over and I laughed as Mikey jumped on him and pretended to punch him and then run off.

“What do you teach that boy?” Matt joked, getting up and brushing grass off of his butt. Not that I was looking.

I shrugged and said, “I teach him how to be a man when he needs to be and a human being when he's not kicking the crap out of bad guys. Nothing wrong with that. I'm gonna check on the food. Mikey! Get out of the dirt!”

Mikey smiled then ran towards us and flew his arms around my waist as I waddled towards the grill. I loved it when Mikey held me like he was. His affection shows that I am doing my best job as a parent and that I am succeeding at it. Plus he is the cutest little boy there possibly is in this world.

“You need any help there chef?” Matt, asked, standing beside me and laughing as Mikey played with the chain on his wallet. “I know how to cook to, ya know. I'm not completely useless.”

“Almost though,” I laughed, as he pretended to glare at me with those gorgeous eyes. “Mind taking Mikey inside to get the plates and silverware. Then I will have you make the salad.”

He smiled and walked away with Mikey of his hip as I watched in adoration and want. I wanted Matt to be mine so bad, not for anything physical, but because when I was with him I did feel safe, though sometimes my old self wanted to prove that Matt was in it only for the physical part. I didn't want to believe that, and couldn't, so I wasn't going to.

“Alright,” I sighed, closing the grill and setting the tongs on the side as Matt and Mikey both carried the plates and cups outside. I grabbed the heavier things and put them in their laces on the round, glass patio table where the umbrella was raised and shaded.

“Salad time,” Matt said, grabbing the large bowel and following me and Mikey inside.

After we had prepared dinner and everything was laid out of the patio table, I sat Mikey down on my lap and put out plates together as Matt took the largest steak of the bunch.

“So are you guys working on a new album?” I asked Matt, taking a large bite of my steak and laughing as Matt choked a little from the very hot potatoes.

He nodded. “Yeah,” he replied. “We're gonna release a self-titled album and go on tour in about six months.”

My heart dropped and I felt sick all of a sudden. I didn't want him to leave that soon. It may be far off for normal people, but six months wasn't very long when you'd dealt with rock stars your whole life. “Wow,” I said, eyebrows raised and fork now down. “That's, that's awesome,” I lied, but sounding as thrilled as possible.

I think he noticed my uneasy feeling, because he looked somber, like he did this morning. “Well, I guess,” he said. “But I'm much more of a sit at home person. If I could sit at home and not do year long tours, I would. But I have to sacrifice somethings sometime, right?”

I nodded and said, “That's what Mark struggled with all of the time. He wanted to sit at home and play with his son and take us out to the park; normal people things. But he was always half way across the world or the country about eighty percent of the time.”

Matt watched Mikey for a minute, then wondered, “How did you explain that to Mikey?”

“I didn't,” I confessed, cleaning up Mikey's chin which had gathered butter. “Mark sort of said, 'Daddy's got to make green sheets of paper so Mikey can get more toys. I'll be gone awhile, but I'll always be a phone call away, okay?' So Mikey basically understood that it was in his daddy's job to leave a lot.”

“Must have been hard on him.”

“Not really,” I said. “I mean, he was two, so he really didn't know the feeling of homesickness or whatever goes with missing your father, and when he was three and started to remember how he never really saw his dad, he was used to it. He'd cry maybe once or twice when his dad was gone, but never more than that.”

“That must be your sacrifice,” he said.

I looked at him quizzically. “What is?”

“Having to watch your husband be gone for long periods of a time and take care of a child who was in need of a father figure. I think, for me, it would be a sacrifice of venting your own emotions, ya know?”

“Yeah...I guess so,” I admitted. I'd never truly realized that I had given that up before. I was so used to tending to Mikey that I didn't care what happened to me, as long as Mikey was safe. I never told anyone how it ached to lie in bed and not have the arms of my husband around me as we fell asleep. A lot of the times I would wonder if Mark was staying committed to me, or if he was being a typical rock star. I never ever told him that though. That would have made the relationship really bitter.
“What is it?” he asked.

Shrugging my shoulders and letting Mikey get off my knee to go play in the sandbox, I replied, “Nothing. I just never really thought about it that way. I was so used to just taking care of Mikey that I never realized that I'd bottled up my emotions, like you said.”

“I'll stop talking if you'd like, “he laughed, but being serious to the fact that I was slightly uneasy talking about the subject with him just yet. It was our first hang out day and i was spilling my guts.

I smiled at him and said, “It's okay. You're just being a friend. Can I ask you something though?”

Matt looked at me with suspicion.

“It must be weird having your life poured out to your fans sometimes,” I started. “But I do know you had a girlfriend for like, three years.”

“Where's the question here?” he laughed, sipping the Corona I had given him earlier.

“Well, what happened? Don't have to detail it, just wanted to know,” I said quickly, trying to sound like I was digging at his life, but just as a friend from way back or something.

Matt sighed and looked at Mikey, who was busy building a large pile of sand with his shovel. His eyes were glued to Mikey even as he replied, “We both wanted different things in life. She wanted to party and get engaged, but I wasn't ready to just yet. I still wanted to make music, try different things. Travel, ya know?”

Once again, I felt my heart thud then fall over. Why are you so stupid, Audrey? You just met the guy and you're wanting him to be ready to take your hand and make a family with. What the hell!

“Yeah,” I finally said, after gulping down a wad of air and disappointment. “I can see where you're coming from.”

“Did you want kids right away?”

I sipped my Iced-Tea and shrugged. “not right away,” I answered. “I was fresh out of college and not even legal to drink at my own wedding. I was hoping to have children though. I've always loved kids. My foster parents raised my along with four other children, all the same age. So I was around infants and toddlers since I was thirteen. I guess I knew right away that I wanted to be a young mother and start out with a good outlook on life rather than later.”

“But didn't you still want to go out in the world and see and do things?”

“Of course I did,” I laughed, more out of the fact I was trying to cover up my own anger towards myself. I loved Mikey, but if I could have saved having him until now, I would have. Not because I disliked being a mother, I just agreed fully with Matt. I wanted to go out into the world and do all of the things I never will be able to now that I have to be an upstanding model for Mikey. “I dreamed of singing in musicals, of being a producer. A lot of things. I wanted to go to Hawaii and swim in the ocean. When Mikey was born, though, I wasn't as depressed as I thought I'd be. He's my son. I was a mother. It was what I dreamed about for the longest time. Plus, I cared about Mark and knew he wanted it too.”

“Audrey?” Matt said innocently.

I just looked right into his gaze.

“Didn't you love Mark ever?” he asked, taking me off guard completely. “You always say you cared for him, and that you were the best of friends, and all that good shit, but did you ever really love him?”

I gulped and said, “It's complicated, Matt. You wouldn't really understand-”

“Try me,” he said seriously.

I wanted to slap him for being too caring and friendly, for wanting to know me, not what I liked or didn't like, but for me. “I'd never really dated in my school years. I was too young for the guys in high school, and too weird for the guys in college. I didn't know what being in love or at least what having a crush felt like. So when Mark actually chose me out of all of the girls he could have had, I thought it was it. I followed him like a lost puppy dog and catered to him like I was the typical wife.”

“But you weren't in love?” he wondered.

I shook my head. “I wasn't truly in love, but I thought I was,” I admitted. “I knew I loved Mikey, but I never really knew what I thought about my feelings towards Mark. He was my first everything, ya know? Everybody remembers their first, and almost all of us can't let them go when the time to separate comes and knocks at our door.”

My head felt really pressured and I wanted to go inside, but I knew this whole confession thing was good for me. So I kept confessing. “I actually would look at guys and feel more love towards them sometimes then I felt towards Mark. But I was still so young. I still feel that way now.”

Matt nodded and laughed as Mikey ran towards me and kissed my cheek randomly. “Well I think you're very mature for a person your age. Even though I am only like, what? Three years older?”

I laughed and got out from the table, Matt following as I stood. “I think I need to put this one to bed-”

“No!” squealed Mikey. “Please! You and Matt can watch some TV with me before I fall asleep. “

“I don't know, Kiddo,” I said, unsure of why he was so anxious to keep all three of us glued all of the time.

“Then sing me to sleep! Please!” he said.

I looked at Matt and blushed a bright shade of red, I could feel it. I hadn't really ever sang in front of an audience of one except when Mikey was trying to sleep. But now Matt was here to watch as well and I felt my blood pressure rise.

“If I sing one song, will you get ready for bed?” I asked.

He nodded and ran up through the house and up the stairs as I turned towards Matt. “You don't have to stay, “ I said. “You can go if you're tired. I know how weird my kid is.”

He laughed. “And miss a free show? Hell no. I'm weird, but I ain't retarded.”

He trailed behind me as I led him up the stairs to Mikey's very rock and roll bedroom, filled with racks of Cd's and records. I had slaved for hours painting a mural of all of his favorite rock stars on his walls and also painted the headboard of his bed with music notes on a staff. His bed covers were plain white and his little toddler keyboard was sitting on top of it as I went to roll back his covers.

“You sure spoil him good,” Matt commented, as he took a seat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, diagonal from Mikey's bed. I had put it there when he first started to sleep in a big boy's bed so I could make sure he fell asleep no problem and wasn't too restless that he would fall out of the bed.

I smiled and helped Mikey into bed, teeth brushed and pajamas on. “Alright, buddy,” I sighed, taking a seat on his bed as he lay under the covers. “What will it be tonight?”

Mikey thought to himself, little index finger to his mouth and eyebrows furrowed. “Sing my song,” he replied.

When he was little I'd written him a lullaby and sung it every night so he could sleep. After awhile he'd gotten so used to it that he would hum it to himself and just fall asleep. Lately, however, I'd only sang songs from Led Zeppelin or anything acoustic.

“You sure?” I said, eying Matt at the corner of my eyes. He was leaned forward in curiosity and I smiled at him really quick to make sure he didn't feel forgotten.

Mikey nodded and waited to be serenaded to sleep. I took a deep breath and said, “Alright. Here it goes.”

My voice was amazingly perfect, not shaky even though I was as nervous as I could possibly be. I was normally a tenor voice, but I did have the vocal chords to go at least five different octaves, which was actually pretty good.

With closed eyes and open voice, I sang Mikey's lullaby and could feel my heart flutter when I thought about how Matt was sitting there listening to me sing. I wanted to know what he was thinking, since we were both singers and artists in our own ways.

When I did finish, I opened my eyes to find Matt sitting next to me and Mikey asleep, his favorite stuffed dinosaur in his arms. “I didn't even know you moved,” I whispered to Matt, getting up and following him into the hallway, closing the door behind me.

He smiled and stretched. “I needed to hear it up close. You're amazing. You need to do something with it.”

I laughed and said, “Thanks, but I'd crap myself. I'm so out of touch with having people hear me sing. I wouldn't even sing in front of Mark when we were married.”

Matt smiled and said, “Well thank you for letting me witness the show. I appreciate it. I have to get up early tomorrow though for this surprise thing for a friend. But I'm gonna call you tomorrow. You'll be up at like, noon, right?”

I warmed and nodded. “Yes,” I answered too quickly.

He laughed and bent down to kiss my cheek as I felt my head spin and legs struggle to stand. “Bye,” he whispered, as I said good bye and watched him disappear down my stairs and out the front door.

“Please be mine,” I said to myself, leaning against my hallway with a smile on my face.